It’s not SVU, I’ll give it that much. I’ve long been on the record as thinking Special Victims Unit—currently in its 287th season—has been an unbearable slog. I wouldn’t watch it if I weren’t able to vent my spleen about its many faults in these articles. So you’d think I would be delighted by the change of pace Organized Crime presents. It’s night and day the difference. Well, see, the thing is, the show still has to be good. Being different isn’t sufficient. Still, the difference at least makes writing these articles a little more novel. You know, I don’t have to recycle the same complaints week to week. I get to make all-new, all-different complaints! That’s not nothing. Organized Crime is the first Law & Order spinoff in quite a while; it was reasonable to think Dick Wolf was done with growing the franchise, given he’s been busy cultivating new empires with the Chicagoverse and the FBI Galaxy. The last spinoff, besides the stillborn Hate Crimes, is True Crime, which had Edie Falco taking on the Menendez murders. (I’ll get to it in this column someday, I promise.) That bore little resemblance to the franchise and seemed to take the mantle solely for the marketing bump. By contrast, Organized Crime couldn’t be anything other than a spinoff, seeing as it follows a character who once starred on Special Victims Unit. This is unprecedented, giving a character a show to call their own; although Don Cragen made the jump from Law & Order to SVU, it’s not the same. Mike Logan also did that several seasons into Criminal Intent. Given I’ve railed against Stabler for being a 1 dimensional character in a world that threatens to be 3 dimensional, Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer taken seriously, how could this possibly turn out to be anything other than a clusterfuck.
They’re just doing this to mock us, right? Shove it in our faces?
We open in media res, as our hero (?) rushes to a jail cell and yells in Russian. When did Stabler learn Russian? Who knows. Perhaps there will be flashbacks to his time in Rome, a la the island flashbacks on Arrow, showing him developing new skills such as a different language or basic hunter-gatherer methodology. That might require money, though, so chuck that idea on the garbage pile. Anyway, as he’s being restrained by fellow police, he spits “you’re dead men, every one of you” at the imprisoned Russians. This is meant to be Stabler’s “breaking bad” moment, the evidence the suits can cite that he’s a loose cannon. “What the hell, Elliot?” are the first words New Cragen says to him. Bear with me, by the way, I’m probably going to give characters their own names of my own design as opposed to referring to those the show gave them. I mean, this boss character is New Cragen. The real difference between this guy and Dann Florek is more hair and NC is more of a terrapin than a tortoise. “You’ve been my poster boy for why the system works” suggests New Cragen is a bigger idiot than the original. Who the fuck makes Stabler the poster boy for the system working? The system failing, sure, but working? Come on.
“Wrong insufferable family member died!”
New Cragen may be the least objectionable character introduced, however. Much like Itchy & Scratchy had to fill out their ranks with Disgruntled Goat and Uncle Ant, so too does Stabler receive a supporting cast of equally dubious quality. For starters, there’s Jet, the hacker. As with all hackers, she’s incredibly attractive with perfectly applied makeup. She’s an artist too, because you can’t be a hacker without being quirky. The actress is who you cast if you want Aubrey Plaza but are afraid she’ll laugh at you. Next up: District Attorney Lesbian Haircut, who tells Stabler he can’t do that and dismissively references “the civil liberties crowd”. “What’s it take for a guy like me to get a warrant these days?” Stabler asks, which sounds like it’s preceding a long rant about millennials, participation trophies, cancel culture and why can’t Van Morrison just rock out without people bitching.
Sgt. Strong Black Woman is the most important of Stabler’s cohorts, as Danielle Moné Truitt’s character actually outranks him. The conflict is going to, and does already, lead to a number of stupid heated moments where the contrast of their race and gender becomes apparent. Whereas she makes points such as “you’re the spouse of a murder victim connected to this case”, he claims she’s “profiling” him. I hope every episode is like this, where he goes “you’re committing misogynoir against me” and she raises an eyebrow and goes “you have no idea what it’s like to be misogynoired against”. Give Stabler a new backstory, Steve Martin’s from The Jerk. These stupid, stupid confrontations make me howl with laughter. If there’s a way to reconcile Stabler’s violent, brutal ways with the softer touch the police need to undertake to quell public unrest, it’s not through this hamfisted dialogue. Christopher Meloni deserves better, honestly.
Chazz Palminteri: “What am I doing here?” You and me both, Chazz.
It’s telling that this show has multiple starring cast members yet Christopher Meloni is the only one to appear in the opening credits as a physical presence. It communicates to the viewer: we know what you want. Everyone is replaceable except for Meloni. Which, fair. I’m surprised they keep up the pretense and don’t just title it Law & Order: Stabler’s Kong Quest. I think the distinction explains some of the choices made in the pilot. While we’re certain to have these ancillary characters fleshed out as the show goes on, that they’re all subsidiary to Stabler explains why we have “hacker type” and “black woman authority figure” rather than anything that evinces more depth. Some of them don’t have names, and the only guide to who’s a cast member and who isn’t is the opening credits. The pilot seems content to throw a lot of names and players at you without establishing why we should care about any of them. The show figures Stabler is enough.
“Never criticize my turtleneck!”
I didn’t expect this, but maybe I didn’t read up enough on the show’s intentions, but apparently Organized Crime places significant to equal focus on the organized crime family Stabler et al are investigating. It’s a real change from previous iterations of the franchise (except to a lesser degree early Criminal Intrent), and it could’ve been reinvigorating if the show hadn’t gone with such lousy characters in large part poorly played by their performers. Dylan McDermott is flat out awful on this show. When he says he’s a legitimate businessman without a hint or irony or self-awareness, I wanted to die. His father, played by Chazz Palminteri, is markedly more entertaining so that’s why he has to die. The gist of the Sinatra/Wheatley family drama (yes they’re literally named Sinatra because this show is for idiots) is that the family tree’s gotten dark and Chazz Palminteri does not appreciate it. We first see him when DA Lesbian pulls up a courthouse steps soundbite of him referring to “mentally deficient BLM lowlifes and thugs”, that’s how racist he is. Dylan McDermott spited his father by marrying a black woman, taking her last name, and then divorcing and remarrying to another black woman. Either Dick Wolf watched some early Spike Lee and really wanted to investigate the Italian/African-American dynamic or this whole plotline is some strange stab at wokeness. “The Cosa Nostra is black now, GET OVER IT! They/thems can take the cannoli too!”
It says a lot that a motorcycle assassin is in the episode and I only mention it now. It’s that unmemorable.
I mean, Chazz Palminteri basically dies because he’s too racist. In a woesome scene on the Coney Island Wonder Wheel, Chazz and McDermott talk a partnership, with McDermott secure in the knowledge his dad was going to rat him out to Stabler. (Dad texted Stabler to meet him there, that he knew who killed Kathy.) Palminteri wonders why his son did the race mixing, then tries to pivot to “all the races look the same” from the top of the Wonder Wheel. Things have gone horribly wrong if McDermott actually uses the word “woke”. Also evidence of that: when the Wonder Wheel shifting and stopping is used as tension. Oh no! The Wonder Wheel might, uh, collapse! They might suddenly find themselves in the Woody Allen movie, wouldn’t that be scary! This is some Count Floyd Monster Chiller Horror Theater bullshit. So, you know, Stabler finds Spaghetti Sinatra dead on the Wonder Wheel. Meloni frantically pushing on the control buttons made me laugh, had to admit. The whole last several minutes lapse into unintentional comedy.
She’s gonna be the next NCIS Abby!
The common occurrence in the episode, titled “What Happens in Puglia”, is that someone will make salient points that Stabler is too close to the investigation, that he’s a terrible cop, that he needs to restrain himself, but he’ll offer the rejoinder that he needs closure for him and his kids, and all the objections sort of melt away. It’s so cliché that I initially thought the situation would be subverted, but no, they’re going with this in the year of our Lord 2021. We see the funeral by the way, and it’s attended by their 14 children and Mariska Hargitay, because Kathy Stabler had no “friends” or “relatives” and extras aren’t cheap, you know. It’s a pretty boilerplate funeral, though Elliot Jr. basically wants to be buried with his mom. He’s a little shit I look forward to detesting in subsequent episodes.
Oh great, just what we needed, that little punk Noah.
Unlike other shows in the Law & Order universe, which try to forge their own identity before lunging into crossovers, Organized Crime’s third scene reunites Stabler with Olivia Benson, last seen, uh, seven minutes ago? Mariska Hargitay ought to be in the fucking opening credits given how hard this leans on her. I like how Stabler treats her like shit, doesn’t call her for over a decade, yet she still hands over her evidence file whilst sporting puppy dog eyes. (I was going to ask if this is at best unethical and at worst illegal, but we know the answer: of course it is.) If the show becomes Stabler treating her like dirt, oblivious to her feelings, while Benson takes it, that could become a grimly dark comedy. Unfortunately, it appears as though Dick Wolf’s latest idea is to take shipping to this universe and make the property even more of a soap opera than it already is. There’s a moment where Elliot gives Benson a copy of the speech he would’ve given at her Award For Bravery In Bad Plastic Surgery and I wanted to gag myself. They had a fucked up codependent dysfunctional relationship, but it was never this syrupy. My dark comedy vein does gain credence throughout the pilot when he’s and pushing past her in a daze and all she wants to do is talk about his awards speech. “I wanna talk, I just can’t right now”. He’s like King Kong reacting to flashbulbs, and the final shot of the episode is her looking shocked as he enters an elevator and gets the hell out of there.
Stabler wouldn’t see Benson again for another 12 years.
I skipped a fair amount of the plot, because I hated it and it was stupid, but I’ll provide the pertinent details for your reading pleasure. Stabler conducts a raid on a warehouse and finds a safe with his ID card in it and the passport of a dead guy named Rafi the Poet. Rafi the Poet is Dylan McDermott’s stepson and Angela Wheatley’s son. Angela Wheatley is a Hudson University professor and by the end of the episode it is apparent she has some relationship with the Wheatleys’ criminal dealings. What is their illegal business, by the by? Counterfeit PPE. Yes, in a show that doesn’t bother to put masks on its actors, the main plot is all about people profiting off the pandemic. That takes some balls. None of it really matters, though. Organized Crime is about Stabler remembering his dead wife and brushing off concerns that he killed six people on the job and retired rather than face scrutiny for gunning down a teenage girl. The Wheatley scenes might as well be labeled “filler”.
MASKWATCH: Things burn bright as we come back from credits with Stabler, wearing a mask, walking up to the precinct. He takes it off when he goes through the door. Since my complaints are going to be similar to previous episodes—no one wears when they’re supposed to and them wearing them enough times to indicate it’s pandemic world is somehow more annoying than them not bothering at all—so I’m going to speculate on Elliot Stabler’s particular feelings about wearing masks. He’s someone I absolutely see refusing to wear it unless his job is in jeopardy because of it. As I stated before, I believe he’s a Trump supporter and part and parcel with that is distrust of medicine in general and the CDC in particular. Given his wife died unexpectedly in a hospital, he has all the more reason to flout mandates and accuse mask wearers of being liberal cucks who blindly obey the government like it’s 1984 Nazi Germany all over again. There is a scene where he’s sitting in on a college lecture and everyone around him has a mask on except for him. These little moments really make you wonder: character choice or the show’s general incompetence? I like it. It keeps me on my toes.
Hey, I wonder if Jim Belushi’s in there! …it’s a reference to Woody Allen’s Wonder Wheel. Am I the only one that saw that?
Organized Crime is a change of pace, no doubt. But that doesn’t automatically make the show good, and the dual focus on Stabler’s inner turmoil of being a wife guy with no wife and the Wheatley Woke Black Mafia results in a product that neither satisfies those looking for a no nonsense procedural and those basically wanting 41 minutes of Meloni’s and Hargitay’s tongues occupying the same space. Organized Crime could’ve been a return to form for the franchise in that it could closer resemble Law & Order the original or the early Criminal Intent (before it became a soap opera about Vincent D’Onofrio’s demons). Instead Dick Wolf et al seems content to saddle the new spinoff with soap opera nonsense. Which, you know, fair. I’m not a television man, I don’t know what brings in the boffo ratings. “Cops/Firefighters/Doctors with Feelings” clearly works for the Chicago universe, so why not replicate it with the crown jewel of the Wolf fiefdom. I guess the rejoinder to “why not” is that the show fucking sucks, but “quality” is both subjective and relative. 7.8 million suckers can’t be wrong!
Law & Ordocki Season 5 #9 (#43): Organized Slime
It’s not SVU, I’ll give it that much. I’ve long been on the record as thinking Special Victims Unit—currently in its 287th season—has been an unbearable slog. I wouldn’t watch it if I weren’t able to vent my spleen about its many faults in these articles. So you’d think I would be delighted by the change of pace Organized Crime presents. It’s night and day the difference. Well, see, the thing is, the show still has to be good. Being different isn’t sufficient. Still, the difference at least makes writing these articles a little more novel. You know, I don’t have to recycle the same complaints week to week. I get to make all-new, all-different complaints! That’s not nothing. Organized Crime is the first Law & Order spinoff in quite a while; it was reasonable to think Dick Wolf was done with growing the franchise, given he’s been busy cultivating new empires with the Chicagoverse and the FBI Galaxy. The last spinoff, besides the stillborn Hate Crimes, is True Crime, which had Edie Falco taking on the Menendez murders. (I’ll get to it in this column someday, I promise.) That bore little resemblance to the franchise and seemed to take the mantle solely for the marketing bump. By contrast, Organized Crime couldn’t be anything other than a spinoff, seeing as it follows a character who once starred on Special Victims Unit. This is unprecedented, giving a character a show to call their own; although Don Cragen made the jump from Law & Order to SVU, it’s not the same. Mike Logan also did that several seasons into Criminal Intent. Given I’ve railed against Stabler for being a 1 dimensional character in a world that threatens to be 3 dimensional, Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer taken seriously, how could this possibly turn out to be anything other than a clusterfuck.
They’re just doing this to mock us, right? Shove it in our faces?
We open in media res, as our hero (?) rushes to a jail cell and yells in Russian. When did Stabler learn Russian? Who knows. Perhaps there will be flashbacks to his time in Rome, a la the island flashbacks on Arrow, showing him developing new skills such as a different language or basic hunter-gatherer methodology. That might require money, though, so chuck that idea on the garbage pile. Anyway, as he’s being restrained by fellow police, he spits “you’re dead men, every one of you” at the imprisoned Russians. This is meant to be Stabler’s “breaking bad” moment, the evidence the suits can cite that he’s a loose cannon. “What the hell, Elliot?” are the first words New Cragen says to him. Bear with me, by the way, I’m probably going to give characters their own names of my own design as opposed to referring to those the show gave them. I mean, this boss character is New Cragen. The real difference between this guy and Dann Florek is more hair and NC is more of a terrapin than a tortoise. “You’ve been my poster boy for why the system works” suggests New Cragen is a bigger idiot than the original. Who the fuck makes Stabler the poster boy for the system working? The system failing, sure, but working? Come on.
“Wrong insufferable family member died!”
New Cragen may be the least objectionable character introduced, however. Much like Itchy & Scratchy had to fill out their ranks with Disgruntled Goat and Uncle Ant, so too does Stabler receive a supporting cast of equally dubious quality. For starters, there’s Jet, the hacker. As with all hackers, she’s incredibly attractive with perfectly applied makeup. She’s an artist too, because you can’t be a hacker without being quirky. The actress is who you cast if you want Aubrey Plaza but are afraid she’ll laugh at you. Next up: District Attorney Lesbian Haircut, who tells Stabler he can’t do that and dismissively references “the civil liberties crowd”. “What’s it take for a guy like me to get a warrant these days?” Stabler asks, which sounds like it’s preceding a long rant about millennials, participation trophies, cancel culture and why can’t Van Morrison just rock out without people bitching.
Sgt. Strong Black Woman is the most important of Stabler’s cohorts, as Danielle Moné Truitt’s character actually outranks him. The conflict is going to, and does already, lead to a number of stupid heated moments where the contrast of their race and gender becomes apparent. Whereas she makes points such as “you’re the spouse of a murder victim connected to this case”, he claims she’s “profiling” him. I hope every episode is like this, where he goes “you’re committing misogynoir against me” and she raises an eyebrow and goes “you have no idea what it’s like to be misogynoired against”. Give Stabler a new backstory, Steve Martin’s from The Jerk. These stupid, stupid confrontations make me howl with laughter. If there’s a way to reconcile Stabler’s violent, brutal ways with the softer touch the police need to undertake to quell public unrest, it’s not through this hamfisted dialogue. Christopher Meloni deserves better, honestly.
Chazz Palminteri: “What am I doing here?” You and me both, Chazz.
It’s telling that this show has multiple starring cast members yet Christopher Meloni is the only one to appear in the opening credits as a physical presence. It communicates to the viewer: we know what you want. Everyone is replaceable except for Meloni. Which, fair. I’m surprised they keep up the pretense and don’t just title it Law & Order: Stabler’s Kong Quest. I think the distinction explains some of the choices made in the pilot. While we’re certain to have these ancillary characters fleshed out as the show goes on, that they’re all subsidiary to Stabler explains why we have “hacker type” and “black woman authority figure” rather than anything that evinces more depth. Some of them don’t have names, and the only guide to who’s a cast member and who isn’t is the opening credits. The pilot seems content to throw a lot of names and players at you without establishing why we should care about any of them. The show figures Stabler is enough.
“Never criticize my turtleneck!”
I didn’t expect this, but maybe I didn’t read up enough on the show’s intentions, but apparently Organized Crime places significant to equal focus on the organized crime family Stabler et al are investigating. It’s a real change from previous iterations of the franchise (except to a lesser degree early Criminal Intrent), and it could’ve been reinvigorating if the show hadn’t gone with such lousy characters in large part poorly played by their performers. Dylan McDermott is flat out awful on this show. When he says he’s a legitimate businessman without a hint or irony or self-awareness, I wanted to die. His father, played by Chazz Palminteri, is markedly more entertaining so that’s why he has to die. The gist of the Sinatra/Wheatley family drama (yes they’re literally named Sinatra because this show is for idiots) is that the family tree’s gotten dark and Chazz Palminteri does not appreciate it. We first see him when DA Lesbian pulls up a courthouse steps soundbite of him referring to “mentally deficient BLM lowlifes and thugs”, that’s how racist he is. Dylan McDermott spited his father by marrying a black woman, taking her last name, and then divorcing and remarrying to another black woman. Either Dick Wolf watched some early Spike Lee and really wanted to investigate the Italian/African-American dynamic or this whole plotline is some strange stab at wokeness. “The Cosa Nostra is black now, GET OVER IT! They/thems can take the cannoli too!”
It says a lot that a motorcycle assassin is in the episode and I only mention it now. It’s that unmemorable.
I mean, Chazz Palminteri basically dies because he’s too racist. In a woesome scene on the Coney Island Wonder Wheel, Chazz and McDermott talk a partnership, with McDermott secure in the knowledge his dad was going to rat him out to Stabler. (Dad texted Stabler to meet him there, that he knew who killed Kathy.) Palminteri wonders why his son did the race mixing, then tries to pivot to “all the races look the same” from the top of the Wonder Wheel. Things have gone horribly wrong if McDermott actually uses the word “woke”. Also evidence of that: when the Wonder Wheel shifting and stopping is used as tension. Oh no! The Wonder Wheel might, uh, collapse! They might suddenly find themselves in the Woody Allen movie, wouldn’t that be scary! This is some Count Floyd Monster Chiller Horror Theater bullshit. So, you know, Stabler finds Spaghetti Sinatra dead on the Wonder Wheel. Meloni frantically pushing on the control buttons made me laugh, had to admit. The whole last several minutes lapse into unintentional comedy.
She’s gonna be the next NCIS Abby!
The common occurrence in the episode, titled “What Happens in Puglia”, is that someone will make salient points that Stabler is too close to the investigation, that he’s a terrible cop, that he needs to restrain himself, but he’ll offer the rejoinder that he needs closure for him and his kids, and all the objections sort of melt away. It’s so cliché that I initially thought the situation would be subverted, but no, they’re going with this in the year of our Lord 2021. We see the funeral by the way, and it’s attended by their 14 children and Mariska Hargitay, because Kathy Stabler had no “friends” or “relatives” and extras aren’t cheap, you know. It’s a pretty boilerplate funeral, though Elliot Jr. basically wants to be buried with his mom. He’s a little shit I look forward to detesting in subsequent episodes.
Oh great, just what we needed, that little punk Noah.
Unlike other shows in the Law & Order universe, which try to forge their own identity before lunging into crossovers, Organized Crime’s third scene reunites Stabler with Olivia Benson, last seen, uh, seven minutes ago? Mariska Hargitay ought to be in the fucking opening credits given how hard this leans on her. I like how Stabler treats her like shit, doesn’t call her for over a decade, yet she still hands over her evidence file whilst sporting puppy dog eyes. (I was going to ask if this is at best unethical and at worst illegal, but we know the answer: of course it is.) If the show becomes Stabler treating her like dirt, oblivious to her feelings, while Benson takes it, that could become a grimly dark comedy. Unfortunately, it appears as though Dick Wolf’s latest idea is to take shipping to this universe and make the property even more of a soap opera than it already is. There’s a moment where Elliot gives Benson a copy of the speech he would’ve given at her Award For Bravery In Bad Plastic Surgery and I wanted to gag myself. They had a fucked up codependent dysfunctional relationship, but it was never this syrupy. My dark comedy vein does gain credence throughout the pilot when he’s and pushing past her in a daze and all she wants to do is talk about his awards speech. “I wanna talk, I just can’t right now”. He’s like King Kong reacting to flashbulbs, and the final shot of the episode is her looking shocked as he enters an elevator and gets the hell out of there.
Stabler wouldn’t see Benson again for another 12 years.
I skipped a fair amount of the plot, because I hated it and it was stupid, but I’ll provide the pertinent details for your reading pleasure. Stabler conducts a raid on a warehouse and finds a safe with his ID card in it and the passport of a dead guy named Rafi the Poet. Rafi the Poet is Dylan McDermott’s stepson and Angela Wheatley’s son. Angela Wheatley is a Hudson University professor and by the end of the episode it is apparent she has some relationship with the Wheatleys’ criminal dealings. What is their illegal business, by the by? Counterfeit PPE. Yes, in a show that doesn’t bother to put masks on its actors, the main plot is all about people profiting off the pandemic. That takes some balls. None of it really matters, though. Organized Crime is about Stabler remembering his dead wife and brushing off concerns that he killed six people on the job and retired rather than face scrutiny for gunning down a teenage girl. The Wheatley scenes might as well be labeled “filler”.
MASKWATCH: Things burn bright as we come back from credits with Stabler, wearing a mask, walking up to the precinct. He takes it off when he goes through the door. Since my complaints are going to be similar to previous episodes—no one wears when they’re supposed to and them wearing them enough times to indicate it’s pandemic world is somehow more annoying than them not bothering at all—so I’m going to speculate on Elliot Stabler’s particular feelings about wearing masks. He’s someone I absolutely see refusing to wear it unless his job is in jeopardy because of it. As I stated before, I believe he’s a Trump supporter and part and parcel with that is distrust of medicine in general and the CDC in particular. Given his wife died unexpectedly in a hospital, he has all the more reason to flout mandates and accuse mask wearers of being liberal cucks who blindly obey the government like it’s 1984 Nazi Germany all over again. There is a scene where he’s sitting in on a college lecture and everyone around him has a mask on except for him. These little moments really make you wonder: character choice or the show’s general incompetence? I like it. It keeps me on my toes.
Hey, I wonder if Jim Belushi’s in there! …it’s a reference to Woody Allen’s Wonder Wheel. Am I the only one that saw that?
Organized Crime is a change of pace, no doubt. But that doesn’t automatically make the show good, and the dual focus on Stabler’s inner turmoil of being a wife guy with no wife and the Wheatley Woke Black Mafia results in a product that neither satisfies those looking for a no nonsense procedural and those basically wanting 41 minutes of Meloni’s and Hargitay’s tongues occupying the same space. Organized Crime could’ve been a return to form for the franchise in that it could closer resemble Law & Order the original or the early Criminal Intent (before it became a soap opera about Vincent D’Onofrio’s demons). Instead Dick Wolf et al seems content to saddle the new spinoff with soap opera nonsense. Which, you know, fair. I’m not a television man, I don’t know what brings in the boffo ratings. “Cops/Firefighters/Doctors with Feelings” clearly works for the Chicago universe, so why not replicate it with the crown jewel of the Wolf fiefdom. I guess the rejoinder to “why not” is that the show fucking sucks, but “quality” is both subjective and relative. 7.8 million suckers can’t be wrong!
Ronnie Gardocki
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