RonnieGardockiRonnie Gardocki

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Adventures in Bendisshitting #1: Secret War

Welcome to Adventures in Bendshitting, my unending series of articles about the pernicious and malign influence the comical works of Brian Michael Bendis has had over superhero comics this century. Over the past 20 years Bendis has written approximately 4000 comics, and liberally 75 of those are readable. The rest are like Secret War, the
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Deliver The Profile Minisode 4: Criminal Minds Reboot?

Ronnie and Jazz face the horrifying, inevitable reality that is the possible Criminal Minds reboot. This news ruined a cheeseburger, people.

 

Law & Ordocki Season 5 #7 (#41): Good Time Amanda, Uncle Ice, and the Great SVU Freak-Out

I’m back to doing Season 21 because SVU has had a break of new episodes for the past couple of weeks. “We Dream of Machine Elves” was one of the repeats, and given I didn’t cover Season 21 besides the opener I felt it worthwhile to investigate. 21, you’ll remember, is the debut of Officer Kat
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Deliver The Profile Minisode 3: Emergency Nicholas Brendon News

Ronnie and Jazz convene an emergency session of the podcast to discuss the important Nicholas Brendon news.

 

Deliver The Profile: Shadow Wolves

Here it is. The Christmas show…in February. Don’t worry, though, it is worth the wait. Shadow Wolves is the brainchild of an Islamophobic loser and the greatest film Steven Seagal never starred in. The Shadow Wolves consist of Native American trackers who seek to stop an Iranian from crossing the Mexican bomber to blow up
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Law & Ordocki Season 5 #6 (#40): The Long Arm of the Witless

Can we start off by discussing what the hell is with these titles? Back in the glory days, SVU episodes would have evocative one word titles. “Retro”, “Totem”, “Trials”, those sorts of titles. With Season 13 the titles changed so they were two words–perhaps the new showrunner’s attempt to make a concrete break from the Stabler
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Law & Ordocki Season 5 #5 (#39): Call It Odorama Cause This Show Stinks

Another week, another SVU. What is there to say about “Turn Me On Take Me Private” that hasn’t been said about other episodes, specifically ones I’ve covered for this column? Well, I suppose the subject matter is something of a novelty. Camming isn’t exactly new, but it’s increased its prominence in the last few years
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Deliver The Profile Episode 181: Back to Koreatown

The boys are back to discuss Korean Criminal Minds episode 4, a pivotal part of the Northwestern serial murder case saga.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 180: Joe Mantegna’s OnlyFans

Ronnie and Jazz discuss “The Slave of Duty”, aka the funeral episode of Criminal Minds. The cast says goodbye to Haley and pretends there’s a chance Hotch will quit the team. It takes a good kicking for that to happen as history has proven. The boys discuss Ronnie’s Hung Season 1 blu-ray and also devise
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Law & Ordocki Season 5 #4 (#38): Carisi v. Barba: Dawn of Justice

Whenever an ADA or an EADA leaves a Law & Order program, there’s always the hope that they’ll return, preferably as an defense attorney, so that they and the current guy or gal can square off. It’s happened before, like when Paul Robinette would show up on Law & Order, or when Jamie Ross did
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Deliver The Profile Episode 179: 100

Here we are, folks: the 100th episode. No, not of the podcast, silly. Don’t you know how to read the ID3 tags? This week we’re doing the 100th Criminal Minds, a landmark episode that asks the question: how much is a wife worth anyway? Not a whole lot more than some man pain and a
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Abrams’ Spider-Man: Our Long National Nightmare Is Over

It may have taken 23 years, but J.J. Abrams and son have finally completed their much maligned Spider-Man series nobody gave a shit about. No one clamored for a conclusion to the long delayed mini, but here we are. It crept up on me, admittedly. Only when I looked at a shipping list did I
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Deliver The Profile Episode 178: Foxin’ Around

The Reaper Saga is at its halfway point as we greet the return of The Fox, last seen in Season 1’s “The Fox”. “Outfoxed” is about our foxxy foe having an admirer whom the BAU must apprehend. Of course the podcast is barely about that, and is mainly about wrestling and Goofy’s child rearing skills
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Deliver The Profile Episode 177: Boston

It’s all about Boston in the Deliver The Profile covering “Omnivore”, possibly the best episode of Criminal Minds. Wahlberg jokes, jokes about Boston’s love of bigotry and Jameson abound.

 

Firing Whine with Ronnie Gardocki and Dr. Daniel Daughhetee: Hillbilly Elegy

The hillbilly. What is he? Is he a simple bumpkin–bewildered and upset by modern inventions such as the cellular phone and interracial marriage? Or is he the more insidious redneck–the wife beating so-called Evangelical who votes against his own interest? The hillbilly, in fact, is a land of contrasts, as seen by authentic son of
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Law & Ordocki Season 5 #3 (#37): Quarantine? They Should Call It Roundtine

There comes a point in chronicling the inanity of Law & Order: SVU that you wonder why bother doing it. Clearly Dick Wolf has a pact with Satan to keep it on the air. The writers aren’t going to stumble upon these and go “no, he’s right! We ARE hacks!”. I already know I hate it. I
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Deliver The Profile Episode 176: Dinner at Kang’s

Well, it finally happened: another show on the Korean version of Criminal Minds. Ronnie and Jazz poorly pronounce all sorts of names in Episode 3 of the 20 episode season, the Korean take on the Reaper saga. You’ll notice the hosts have yet to cover the AMERICAN Reaper saga. Oops.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 175: The Itchy & Scratchy Show

In “The Itch”, a crazy guy thinks bugs are crawling under his skin. Cool, he’s done drugs. This is the basis of an ENTIRE EPISODE of Criminal Minds, a Season 10 misfire that punches down on the fake disease afflicted. Ronnie explains members of the New Warriors to Jazz, they debate the existence of “silver
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Law & Ordocki Season 5 #2 (#36): Redneck Cooked

This is the 480th episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. Jesus Christ. I could review one of these a day and after a year I’d still have more left. It’s insane that this of all shows is fourth in terms of most episodes for a primetime scripted series, behind The Simpsons, Gunsmoke and Lassie. I’m
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Deliver The Profile Episode 174: X Marks the Spot

Because Ronnie is lazy, it’s another Season 10 episode! This one, “X”, is the premiere, and so we are introduced to Jennifer Love Hewitt of Ghost Whisperer fame. Will she distinguish herself from her colleagues or just be absorbed into the blob of bad dialogue and stiff characterization? I think you know the answer already.

 

The New Mutants: A Very Long Engagement

It’s evident that the behind the scenes of New Mutants is more fascinating than the film itself. How could it not be? Shot in 1993, New Mutants was delayed for a number of reasons–the Disney acquisition of FOX, the WTO protests, a goat ate one of the film reels, a desire to reshoot it into something ‘not
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Law & Ordocki Season 5 #1 (#35): Benson Like Me

Well, it’s the 22nd season of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, and a lot has happened since the 21st ended. Approximately 463 black people were murdered by the police and a pandemic shut down the country, except the times and places it didn’t and people just got sick and died thanks to excessive amounts of freedom.
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Deliver The Profile Episode 173: Gregberg

“Scream”! Everybody “Scream”! That’s the episode the podcast is covering today, and it’s…[sigh]… about a guy who is trying to record the perfect scream. That’s not all: Jennifer Love Hewitt’s daughter/niece is meeting boys online, but more importantly JLH’s husband is played by GREG GRUNBERG. Greg Grunberg? Greg Grunberg. Okay, sure, whatever.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 172: President Ben

The election may be over (or is it?), but Deliver The Profile’s work has just begun. (In fact, there’s probably enough CM episodes left over for four more years of podcasting.) This week’s episode takes on “Rock Creek Park”, a political-ish episode about a congressman’s wife’s kidnapping. Throughout the endeavor we learn more of Reid’s
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DCU: Duhcisions

Politics in superhero comics has always been tricky because a) vigilantism is inherently reactionary and b) most superhero writers don’t know much about politics, to say nothing of depicting it with nuance. It’s for these reasons something like DCU: Decisions exists, DC’s 2008 efforts to capitalize on the election fever created by the multicultural multigenerational movement
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Deliver The Profile Episode 171: Frosted Frakes

In this episode, Ronnie and Jazz discuss Season 5’s “The Uncanny Valley”, one about a woman turning women into living dolls. But mainly it’s an excuse to talk about Star Wars’ own Jonathan Frakes, who makes an appearance in the show. And what an appearance it is! Beam me up, Scotty, am I right? The
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D.C. Follies: I Watched 44 Episodes Of This Shit

Humblebrag time: I’m friends with Phil Gonzales. Yes, THAT Phil Gonzales. He’s such a mensch that when I offhandedly mentioned I wanted a DVD of something called D.C. Follies, he sent it to me. His stipulation? That I determine whether or not it “held up”. D.C. Follies, if you don’t know, is basically an American
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Deliver The Profile Episode 170: Wedding After Wedding After Wedding

Wedding season comes to Criminal Minds and the participants are who you least expect! Actually, that’s a lie. But there’s a lot of other things happening in this episode, “Run”, such as Prentiss’ departure, J.J. being a viking ninja cowboy over the fate of her son, a secret unsub, and more wealth porn courtesy of
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Deliver The Profile Episode 169: Turn On The Bright Lights

It’s time to see Prentiss depart for the second time as Deliver The Profile covers the first part of the Season 7 finale, “Hit”. Why pattern the robbers after the fucking Royal Flush Gang? Are we supposed to care about the fate of J.J.’s boyfriend? The Prentiss Interpol bullshit is still stupid. Ronnie and Jazz
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Deliver The Profile Episode 168: Goodbye J.J.

That’s right, J.J. is going away for about a season, upon which she will make her triumphant return in Season 7. But until then, this is her official goodbye, as she’s shunted off to the Pentagon to liaison with the DoD/hunt Osama bin Laden. There’s also a case about a missing girl and a pair
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Deliver The Profile Episode 167: Underage Scrimshaw

It’s back to the Criminal Minds salt mines with “The Internet is Forever”, a Season 5 screed about the dangers of the Internet. It’s pretty hypocritical to rail against it when the team uses it to solve all their cases. Anyway, there’s J.J. botching a press conference, Rossi going mano y mano with another old
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Deliver The Profile Episode 166: Inside The Inside

Ronnie and Jazz take a break from Criminal Minds by reviewing the totality of the 13 episode Rachel Nichols starring procedural THE INSIDE! Like Criminal Minds, it’s about a team of barely charismatic TV actors hunting down serial killers large (an obese cannibal) and small (a child). Is Rachel Nichols basically playing the same character
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Deliver The Profile Episode 165: Ashley Seaver Part V: Supply and Demand

Because you demanded it! Maybe. Ronnie and Jazz talk about Cats, the horrifying nightmare film that everyone hated last winter. But that’s not all! They also discuss Season 6 finale “Supply and Demand”, a sex/murder trafficking story so boring Ronnie completely Mandela Effected the ending. Also: the triumphant return of Nicholas Brendon, the ignominious departure
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Deliver The Profile Episode 164: Ashley Seaver Part IV: With Friends Like These…

The descent into Seaver Madness continues with “With Friends Like These…”, a delightfully stupid tale about imaginary friends and how they can coerce insomniacs to kill. Seaver becomes an official member of the team finally and Reid continues to suffer from headaches. On the podcast front, the concept of “Jazz Classics” is introduced for your
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Deliver The Profile Episode 163: Ashley Seaver Part III: Corazon

In “Corazon”, which is Spanish for some sort of spaceship, Reid has headaches, the team engages with Afro-Caribbean culture, and Seaver does little more than ask fairly obvious questions. Yep, sounds like a Criminal Minds all right. But this episode of Deliver The Profile is mainly concerned with who the Headless Horseman, what his deal
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More Like Heroes in CrisiSUCKS: A Review by Ronnie Gardocki and Chris Ludovici, AIA

Event comics are not usually good. They’re not meant to be; companies rely on them to goose sales, wrap up storylines and plot new directions for characters. There are so many moving parts, so many masters to serve, that it should come as no surprise that even talented creators struggle churning out something readable. So
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The Punisher Meets Al Capone

I hate to be dipping back into the Ron Zimmerman well so soon after my last foray, but it’s a fertile source of hackery. As I’ve said in a previous column, Zimmerman had a burst of work at Marvel for a year or two and then essentially faded away. His heavy hitter projects include Rawhide
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Deliver The Profile Episode 162: Ashley Seaver Part II: 25 to Life

It’s another week of Seaver, but she doesn’t do much of anything in the episode. What a shocker. Instead it’s a Morgan showcase, in that he trusts an inmate (Kyle Secor) and is betrayed when the recently released kills a guy. What does this have to do with a business-ish man running for Congress? You’ll
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Deliver The Profile Episode 161: Ashley Seaver, Part 1

So begins yet another theme month or so with DTP’s foray into the Ashley Seaver episodes! How bad an actress is Rachel Nichols? How much do the hosts wish they were watching that one episode of X-Files? “What Happens At Home…” is about murders in a gated community. But it’s really a means with which
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Deliver The Profile Episode 160: Sexy Bird Teen

Deliver The Profile finishes business with “Unfinished Business”, a Season 1 episode that is almost maybe good, in large part due to guest star Geoff Pierson. The Keystone Killer is back, and Geoff Pierson’s obsessed with him. Will he and the BAU track down the killer? Well, what do you think?

 

Irresistible Review by Ronnie Gardocki and Dr. Daniel Daughhetee

This is normally a space to discuss more benign subjects such as bad comic books and police procedurals about serial rapists, but I thought the film Irresistible worthy of going relatively off format. Jon Stewart was the perfect comedy pillar of the Bush years: he and his staff would regularly lampoon the Bush administration as callous
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Deliver The Profile Episode 159: Poison Control

This episode is a fucking trainwreck. Ronnie’s high on Valium, “Poison” is boring dross, and the boys spend most of their time on tangents like what the Holy Trinity is and the efficacy of dick pills. “Poison” is about some guy dosing random people with LSD. Groovy, man? No, not groovy. Maybe they should’ve actually
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Spider-Man Meets Jay Leno in “The Late Shit”

Like all good Americans, I have an unhealthy fascination (obsession, perhaps) with former Tonight Show host and all-around funnyman James Douglas Muir “Jay” Leno. He stands for everything I don’t: denim, classic cars, Cool Ranch Doritos, being Italian. How exactly did he become a mainstay of American popular culture for decades despite not being funny or
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Deliver The Profile Episode 158: Californiamplification

We’re baaaack! That’s right, the only Criminal Minds podcast has returned to making new content and there’s a lot of news to talk about: the Criminal Minds lawsuit, S.W.A.T. promising to not suck as much, Elmer Fudd losing his gun. There’s also the matter of the episode “Amplification”, about an anthrax outbreak that results from
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There’s No Ultimatum In Ultimatum

It’s tough to create and maintain a superhero universe. That’s why there are only two successful long running examples, and even then counting DC as a success is being generous. Marvel’s Ultimate imprint had its heyday and did a lot of good. It revitalized moribund characters for the 21st century, influenced feature films and launched the
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Deliver The Profile: Venom Special

Yes, we’re back! Well, not really, because this show is actually from March but has been held back as the show went on an unintended hiatus due to COVID-19. Movie month(s) wraps up with a look at 2018’s surprise tentacle hit, Venom! Who is Tom Hardy trying to impersonate? Why is the movie PG-13? Is
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Law & Ordocki Season 4 #3 (#34): Stuckey On Me

Remember last time out when I said CSU tech Dale Stuckey would become a serial killer? That’s this episode. I see no reason in hiding the twist; it’s one of the best attributes of the hour. Anybody familiar with SVU will invariably describe “Zebras” as “the one where the lab guy goes crazy”. This is the
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Iron Man: Leaving Las Vegas

I thought for my latest entry into my Untitled Comic Book Column I should continue with my theme of celebrities thoughtlessly shitting out comics, so here’s Iron Man: Viva Las Vegas by Jon Favreau (Chef) and Adi Granov. Again, this has all the makings of a classic Hollywood comic. Favreau was fresh off the surprise sensation
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Deliver The Profile: TMNT 2014 Special

Movie month-or-so continues as Ronnie and Jazz cover one of their most hated movies ever: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from 2014, the Platinum Dunes/Michael Bay one. The hideous monstrosity Turtles. Gone are the adorable animatronic suits and in their place are 7 foot tall behemoths made of CGI. Why does everybody want to fuck April
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Deliver The Profile: Brahms: The Boy 2 Special

Deliver The Profile’s month of movies rolls on as Ronnie and Jazz make another excursion to the multiplex with Brahms: The Boy II. (Don’t worry, this was recorded back when “going to the multiplex” was a fun, plausible activity.) The Boy is an ironic favorite of the boys, so can the sequel live up to
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