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Deliver The Profile Episode 294: Goobers for Gubler

Send in the clowns! Yes, Virginia, Criminal Minds did a fucking clown episode, and it’s spectacular. Or stupid. One of those. A clown is killing men and leaving the kids alone, reversing the Pennywise paradigm popularized in Stephen King’s child pornography book. What results is a cautionary tale about the death of the American Dream
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Deliver The Profile Episode 293: Good Grief

Gubler Month continues with “Alchemy”, a not very subtle episode that depicts different kinds of grief. One kind kills men in some ill-fated fertility experiment. The other involves dancing inside your own mind.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 292: Bud Cort

This week: child abduction! Sparkle Motion from Donnie Darko and Bud Cort take kids from carnivals and do…something to them. Not what you think, though! Also: Ann Cusack overcomes  a drinking problem and Morgan acts like a dick. “Mosley Lane”, everyone! Directed by the Gube himself.

 

Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Lois & Clarks”/”…aka Superman”

Ronnie: Hello hello and welcome back to yet another Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie, a series of comical critique articles of a show barely anybody remembers for understandable reasons. Last time on The Clark, Tempus was elected president via mind control subterfuge and immediately started making Superman’s life hell. Last episode ended on
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Deliver The Profile Episode 291: Cradle 2 Tha Grave

In “Cradle to Grave”, some guy is forcing women to bear his child in a sexual dungeon. Just as important is Hotch training Morgan to take his job now that he’s too Reaper-spooked to do it effectively. Season 5, y’all.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 290: More Like The Food Replicator

In “The Replicator”, the Replicator finally stands revealed. Is it disappointing? You better BELIEVE IT.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 289: Hermanos

This week Hotch has to bail his shitbag brother out of trouble as he’s involved in some tainted wine scandal. Look, the only reason we’re doing “Brothers Hotchner” is it leads directly into the Season 8 finale that botches the Replicator overarching storyline. Get ready for a lot of eye bleeding.

 

Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Sex, Lies and Videotape”/”Meet John Doe”

Chris: Alright you fucking millennials, turn off your Tiktoks, put down that vape pen, and close the Instawhatever update on this week’s newest gender pronouns. Uncle Chris is here to tell you a story about ancient history. How ancient, you ask? This story is about a time so long ago that not only does it
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Deliver The Profile Episode 288: Nursing A Grudge

The Replicator “saga” kicks into high gear with “Carbon Copy”, a case about a guy killing nurses and removing their eyelids…replicating the very signature of the blood painting guy from last episode. Zugs get zwanged, Scott Grimes shows up and Criminal Minds proves that the wrongly accused are just criminals that haven’t committed crimes yet.
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Deliver The Profile Episode 287: #notalljanitors

Leap into Season 8 with “Magnum Opus”, an episode about Reid grieving his fake phone girlfriend getting real murdered by Dawn from Buffy the best way he knows how: by solving a serial case that may or may not involve a vampire. All the team knows is somebody in San Francisco is killing people, draining
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Deliver The Profile Episode 286: Odo!

To Season 7 we go with “Self-Fulfilling Prophecy”, which is about a mass suicide at a military academy run by the guy who played Odo on Star Trek. There’s some bullying involved, but surprisingly no child molestation, so credit to Criminal Minds. This one is loose so buckle in!

 

Deliver The Profile: Kino Korner: Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire

Bustin’ makes me feel vaguely depressed! Ronnie and Jazz suffer through the fifth Ghostbusters movie, which has like five jokes in it. Why is there a talking ghost girl, and why are the ramifications of that swept aside in favor of an undercooked lesbian coming of age subplot? Does Bill Murray actively want to die
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Deliver The Profile Episode 285: Courtney

Season 14 is over…for now. “Sick and Evil” is about haunted houses, a woman heavily invested in her Maine town’s “lore” (don’t CALL IT THAT), and Rossi still smarts from getting his ass kicked by the Chameleon. More slop from the CBS trough that your inteprid hosts have to pore through for the sake of
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Deliver The Profile Episode 284: Lookbook

In “Ashley”, misbegotten main character Ashley Seaver does NOT return. Instead it’s some missing child Season 14 bullshit. Ah, c’est la vie.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 283: The Twenty Seven Club

Season 14 rolls on with “Twenty Seven”, an episode about machete murders in DC that occur every 27 minutes. Is it stupid or is someone trying to make a dumbass point? Both! Meanwhile, Prentiss gets the least charismatic love interest ever. Good thing we cover these out of order so we already know this romance
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Deliver The Profile: Kino Korner: Madame Web

It’s time to stare at the sun, by which we mean return to watching Sony’s Spider-Man without Spider-Man movies.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 282: Another Evil Kid

I guess the episode title spoils the twist. Oops. Otherwise it’s a pretty typical Criminal Minds episode, which is to say it’s not good. And there’s a Garcia subplot. Why even live anymore.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 281: The Seed of Simmons

Season 14 slog continues on with “Rule 34″, which, yes, we get it. It’s terrible but we get it. Somebody is sending body parts in the mail to random women and if you guessed a predatory homosexual was behind it, congratulations. Also, one of Simmons’ 17 kids gets in trouble at school and who could
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Deliver The Profile Episode 280: Mummy Mommy

In Season 14’s “Starter Home” a young couple finds mummified bodies in their walls. This looks like a job for the BAU! Joe Mantegna and the gang unwrap a tedious tale of teen rebellion, arrested development, undelivered mail and more. Also, Joe Mantegna sees if his ex-wife’s daughter’s new boyfriend is a serial killer or
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Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Twas the Night Before Mxymas”/”Lethal Weapon”

Ronnie: Welcome welcome welcome to the ONLY long-form criticism of Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman. You may have noticed these articles take longer and longer to get out; partially that’s my laziness, but it’s also due to the malaise of having reached Season 4, definitely in the running for one of the
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Deliver The Profile Episode 279: Nebraska

In “Safe Haven”, apparently you can drop off anybody under 18 at a hospital in Nebraska and they just have to deal with it. That plus Morgan has to deal with a nine year old who scammed her way across America. Criminal Minds was running on fumes even by Season 6, folks.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 278: With Apologies to Leonard Cohen

“The Longest Night” finishes off Tim Curry and starts off Season 6. Morgan gets angry! JJ becomes a hostage negotiator! More closeups of dirty teeth! It’s a scene, man.

 

Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Ghosts”/”Stop the Presses”

Chris: Hello, hi and welcome back to another installment of Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie, a series that, much like the show it chronicles, started with a shaky premise and just got worse. Today’s entry cover the ninth and tenth episodes of the fourth and final season, which is another way of saying
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Deliver The Profile Episode 277: Crackspiration

The boys are back in 2024, ready to discuss Criminal Minds again. This time it’s “Our Darkest Hour”, aka the one about Tim Curry driving around in an RV and smoking crack. Will The Prince of Darkness, as he’s called, beguile our heroes or will he just kill some nobodies while Leonard Cohen songs play?
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Deliver The Profile Kino Korner: Angels in the Infield

Happy 2024!

 

Deliver The Profile Kino Korner: Angels in the Endzone

AKA The Christmas Eve Miracle.

 

Deliver The Profile Kino Korner: Angels in the Outfield

Because of a promise made in haste a year ago that somehow came to anything, for the next three episodes Ronnie and Jazz will be reviewing the saddest of all trilogies, the Angels in the Outfield series. This first one has FOUR Oscar winners, not that you could tell by their performances. Listen to the
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Deliver The Profile Episode 276: As-Mer (feat. Dr. Daniel Daughhetee)

Dr. Daniel Daughhetee joins the Five Timers Club as he and Ronnie dissect “Hamelin”, a Season 14 episode of Criminal Minds that reimagines the Pied Piper into something even dumber. JJ reconnects with her mom, the BAU is basically useless and the episode makes the case that the worst thing that can happen to a
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Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Dead Lois Walking”/”Bob and Carol and Lois and Clark”

Ronnie: Previously on The Clark: Lois is going to jail for a crime she didn’t commit! Will it be realistic and gritty like Caged Heat or will it be a frothy bitch session like Orange is the New Black? Well, if you watch “Dead Lois Walking” you’ll find out. That’s a terrible idea; if there’s
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Deliver The Profile Episode 275: Where’s Wallace?

Where is Wallace indeed. He’s in “The Inspired”, the not very inspired second part of the Season 9 premiere.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 274: Twinsies

Part one of a really, really dumb two parter. 

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 273: Feeling Like A Black Duck

Two-Parter Madness continues (yes it’s another theme) with our take on “Memoriam”. Is Reid’s dad as fascinating as you’d think? No, of course not. Is he a child molester? Find out by listening to Deliver The Profile.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 272: Our Christmas Episode

In what may be the podcast’s shortest episode yet outside of those weird early installments, this one takes on “The Instincts”, part one of a boring two parter that’s mainly about Reid’s dreams. Child abduction too but mostly Reid’s dreams. Speaking of, REED Diamond is in “The Instincts” playing a concerned father. Remember The Shield?
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Deliver The Profile Episode 271: Seven Years of Sobriety

To celebrate Ronnie staying sober for seven years, the boys ‘treat’ themselves to a Season 1 episode, “Machismo”.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 270: We’re Done With Season 12

“Seek and Destroy” is boring as shit, but at least it marks the end of our coverage of Season 12. It’s a home invasion one, everybody knows home invasion ones suck.

 

Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Brutal Youth”/”The People v. Lois Lane”

Chris: Man, I don’t understand TV. I know that here at the Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie home office we’re supposed to be experts in the field. Why else would anyone possibly want to read about a 25 year old show that no one liked in the first place? The only way any
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Deliver The Profile Episode 269: Mindswitchin’

Mr. Scratch brainwashes a guy to think he’s Aisha Tyler’s brother. Your guess is as good as ours.

 

Talkin’ ‘Bout Turtles 6: Mutant Mayhem

It’s here! The podcast of the summer is here…in late August. The boys convene to discuss Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem, the film that dares to use the same word twice in its title. How disgusting is it? Why does Donatello sound like he’s 5? How does Seth Rogen get away with whitewashing Bebop?
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Deliver The Profile Episode 268: Killer Epp (with Dr. Daniel Daughhetee)

To discuss America’s love affair with drone warfare as depicted in the Criminal Minds episode “Killer App”, we once again turn to Thrawnderdome’s Daniel Daughhetee.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 267: Underground Babyroad

It’s another Deliver The Profile. This time somebody’s hot for teacher in “I Love You, Tommy Brown” as Teri Polo seeks to reunite her felony-riddled family. It’s more Season 7 garbage.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 266: The Audacity of Hope

Another episode of Deliver The Profile. This is the skeeziest episode yet if you can make such a claim.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 265: Everyone I Love is Dead

Rossi grapples with his ex-wife’s mortality as the team grapples with a guy drowning and resuscitating his victims in “Epilogue”. Also during the show, Ronnie and Jazz briefly review Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and talk about how night fishing is grade A loser behavior.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 264: mother!

Ronnie and Jazz confronts bad mothers on “From Childhood’s Hour”, another Season 7 episode of Criminal Minds. There’s really not a lot to this one besides Rossi reconnecting with his first ex-wife. Do we get to see some old people sex? Listen to the episode to find out.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 263: (Not) Alan Moore’s Top Ten

It’s the school shooting episode of the show. “Painless” also involves an unsub who feels no pain. Why these two plotlines were conjoined is beyond the hosts. “Season 7, eh, whatever” summer continues apace.  

 

Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Swear To God, We’re Not Kidding This Time”/”Soul Mates”

Ronnie: It took us over a year but we’ve finally reached the point the show was setting up, arguably, its entire run: the wedding. A lot of times TV shows have the trouble of knowing how to mine conflict when its main set of male/female characters becomes a couple. Fortunately, Lois & Clark is not
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Deliver The Profile Kino Korner: Transformers: Rise of the Beasts

The boys discuss the furrytastic new Transformers, Rise of the Beasts. Do the beasts rise or do they not? Does this belong in the canon of classic Brooklyn films? Is this superior to the Michael Bay movies or not? All these questions and more will be answered in the two plus hours Ronnie and Jazz
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Deliver The Profile Episode 262: David Rossi’s Punch-Out

Take out your gloves and start pounding a slab of meat because it’s a boxing episode! In “The Bittersweet Science” some guy is going around beating people to death because he could’ve been a contender, or his son is dying, or something. Charles S. Dutton guest stars in the episode. It’s Season 7. It’s terrible.
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Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Lord of the Flys”/”Battleground Earth”

Chris: [Clapping] All right, guys, let’s bring it in, come on, huddle up now, let’s huddle up. Okay, I’m not gonna sugarcoat it, that last quarter was rough. The first two quarters weren’t exactly picnics either, but we gave as good as we got. But then things got away from us. Last quarter was more
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Deliver The Profile Episode 261: Trump 2016 Campaign Ad

Race war! It’s race war time as the BAU goes to San Bernardino to investigate a series of home invasions that seem to be racially-motivated. What does the dipstick who directed Atlas Shrugged Part 1 have to do with this? It’s exploitative, racially dicey–it’s Criminal Minds all right. It is disquieting how this episode echoes
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Deliver The Profile Episode 260: Sgt. Party

Ronnie is actually enthusiastic for once. He’s on drugs in case you wanted an explanation. It sure has nothing to do with “Middle Man” itself, a miserable torture porn excursion smack dab in the middle of Season 6 that pits a lone exotic dancer against a coterie of rapist dipshits, one of whom was a
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