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Deliver The Profile Episode 107: Zzz…

Wouldn’t you rather be sleeping? That certainly is the case with “Awake”, a Season 11 yawner about a man who’s searching for his daughter and will prevent people who may know something from sleeping. This is thematically rich territory because J.J., fresh off maternity leave, is ALSO sleep-deprived. A J.J. episode. WONDERFUL. Be sure to
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Law & Ordocki Season 3 #2 (#25): Pre-9/11 Tension

I thought that for the momentous 25th occasion of Law & Ordocki I ought to go back to the beginning with SVU: its inaugural season. A simpler time for the show and a simpler time for America. It was before 9/11 for fuck’s sake. This particular episode, “Chat Room”, aired on April 14th, 2000. Back then,
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Deliver The Profile Episode 106: #KillTheShow

Episode 106 represents a turning point for the podcast. The hosts’ bemusement at the CBS procedural’s continuance into its third presidential administration has turned to outright disdain following an explosive piece in Variety about the show’s longtime director of photography being a known nutgrabber. (LISTENERS OF A SENSITIVE DISPOSITION: consider skipping the first 40 minutes
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Deliver The Profile Episode 105: Frightmare on Whatever Street

This was recorded right before a Brewers playoff game, so if things seem rushed and haphazard then that is the culprit. This week Ronnie and Jazz anxiously eye the clock while discussing “Heathridge Manor”, which for Deliver The Profile and Criminal Minds may as well be the Halloween show for the year, despite it being
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Deliver The Profile Episode 104: Robbies, Burgies, Stealies, and Thefties

Business as UNUSUAL at Deliver The Profile headquarters with this episode, since “Psychodrama” contains elements that are a relative rarity. It has the original cast (that means Jason Gideon and Elle What’s Her Name) and the unsub commits robbery and sexual assault, two things that are not too often seen on Criminal Minds. The unsub
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Deliver The Profile Episode 103: Let’s Go Plane Time Soon

It’s a truth self-evident that ride sharing services such as Uber and Lyft exist only to rape and kill. (And that’s just what they do to their employees/independent contractors/jail cover! Womp womp.) Criminal Minds puts that into practice with “Drive”, a Season 11 yawner in which a driver is killing people. Or is he merely
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Law & Ordocki Season 3 #1 (#24): Go Ahead, Call It A Comeback

The absurdity of the present political moment has resulted in a former deputy assistant attorney general postulating that a woman was sexually assaulted not by a man currently under consideration to the Supreme Court but a close facsimile, a doppelganger. I know the last few years have raised the bar for stupid shit, but Jesus
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Deliver The Profile Episode 102: Jamie Kennedy Returns

The Brewers lost to the fucking Dodgers and life is meaningless. But you don’t care about that, do you? You care about the new episode of DELIVER THE PROFILE! This time it’s an entry into uncharted waters: Season 13! Who are all these new people? Why did Paget Brewster get replaced by a pod person?
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Deliver The Profile Episode 101: Home Improvement

It’s back to normal for Deliver The Profile, as Ronnie and Jazz discuss “Closing Time”, a boring episode of vanilla CM that doesn’t even have the courtesy to use either the Semisonic song or even the instrumental off Tom Waits’ album of same name. Boring normalcy is the point, though, as “Closing Time” is a
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Deliver The Profile Episode 100: Juking

Here it is! After nearly three years, Deliver The Profile (your ONLY Criminal Minds podcast) hits 100 episodes! Except we also did episodes that didn’t count in the official numbering. Forget those! It’s NUMBER ONE HUNDRED, BABY! We’re hoping the milestone distracts from the fact that it’s an episode of the Jack Garrett Imperialism Power
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Deliver The Profile Episode 99: Penultimate Pessimism

It’s a sign that this episode of Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior isn’t very interesting (besides it BEING an episode of Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior) when Ronnie spends a good portion of the 80 minutes just recapping movies he’s seen recently, such as Bringing Down the House and Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. “Nighthawk” is about a
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Deliver the Profile Episode 98: Finally

Think of this as saving the best for last: “It Takes A Village”, the finale to the Doyle saga, premiered in the fall much like this episode of Deliver the Profile. Ronnie and Jazz discuss cast changes, the stupid retcons to Prentiss’ backstory, the sense of anti-climax and how the BAU is seriously corrupt. Feel
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Deliver The Profile Episode 97: Secret Son

Penultimate Prentisspalooza is a momentous one, as Paget Brewster leaves the show for the first (but not the last) time! It all comes down to this…and it’s pretty disappointing, just a lot of a woman being tortured and, indeed, a SECRET SON introduced within the last 15 minutes of the episode. Ronnie and Jazz discuss
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Deliver The Profile Episode 96: Lucky Charms

Part 7 of Prentisspalooza comin’ at ya! Yes, it’s been almost a month since a new episode. No, there’s no compelling argument for why it took this long to come out. The dog days of summer, everyone. Anyway, “Valhalla” kicks the Irish subplot into…gear…as Prentiss archenemy Doyle finally does things besides enter and exit modes
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Deliver The Profile Episode 95: Season 6 is REALLY DUMB

There’s no two ways about it: Season 6 is godawful. “Coda” is in the running for the worst episode of the series, and that’s not just because the crux of it involves Reid bonding with an autistic boy in order to solve the case. Ronnie and Jazz make the most of it by analyzing the
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Deliver The Profile Episode 94: Heil Lyle!

Sorry for the delay, but hopefully this episode being over 2 hours long will make up for it! In “Today I Do”, the profilers must find a self-help devotee who goes too far in helping wayward women, while Ronnie and Jazz discover the greatest character since the Meat Pimp, Lyle. Meanwhile, the Prentiss storyline slowly
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Deliver The Profile Episode 93: Jane D’oh!

It’s that time again: Suspect Behavior week! Prentisspalooza is taking a break in favor of nobody’s favorite 2011 spinoff starring an Oscar winner and the chick from Reality Bites. In “Jane”, a man who looks a lot like another podcast’s host, commits heinous bodily mutilation while the Red Cell squad team group try to figure
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Deliver The Profile Episode 92: Stink Driver

Have you ever wondered what would happen if Travis Bickle participated in the plot of Perfume? Wonder no more, for “Sense Memory” provides a reasonable approximation. Prentisspalooza rolls on as Prentiss is curious about her apartment’s security, we meet an important side character, and we’re subject to an incomprehensible flashback. Meanwhile, Ronnie managed to cut
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Deliver The Profile Episode 91: Naturally Drunk Killers

What better way to kick off Prentiss’ interminable Irish storyline than an episode about alcoholic spree killers? “The Thirteenth Step” is widely considered one of the series’ worst…by fans of Criminal Minds, so that translates to it not being that bad. Ray Donovan (not Liev Schreiber) and the girl from the Wonder Woman pilot are
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Deliver The Profile Episode 90: Gideon and Prentiss Go To Guantanamo Bay

Reid also goes, but including him would impede the catchiness of the title. In an odd turn for Criminal Minds, “Lessons Learned” is about the BAU trying to thwart a terrorist attack, because apparently their purview consists of ‘all crimes’. Prentiss must prove her mettle to stand shoulder to shoulder with the big boys, and
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Deliver The Profile Episode 89: Paget Brewster Needs A Better Agent

Morgan Madness is OVER, say hello to Prentisspalooza! For the next few months, Deliver The Profile will be delving into the most beloved of Criminal Minds’ dark haired ladies, beginning with her debut episode, “The Last Word”! It just so happens she does nothing in it, only appearing in the first and last scene. But
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Deliver The Profile Episode 88: The Nicholas Brendon Innocence Project

It’s April Fools Easter, so that means Jesus is still dead and loving it. Nobody’s moving that rock. That also means Deliver The Profile goes off format – a week after also going off format – with a 2 hour long plus dissection of Nicholas Brendon’s masterpiece of filmmaking, Pinata Survival Island, aka Demon Island,
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Deliver The Profile Episode 87: SWATliver The Profile: Worth The Wait?

Thank the maker, for Morgan Madness has finally ended! After more than a month away, Deliver The Profile gives the fans what it wants: a podcast not about Criminal Minds. Yes, Ronnie and Jazz delve into the first episode of Shemar Moore’s new show, S.W.A.T., the third and it’s safe to say dumbest attempt to
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Deliver The Profile Episode 86: No Use Crying Over Spilt Club Soda

Ronnie spills his club soda and that’s about all that happens in “What Happens in Mecklinburg”, a location that does not in fact exist. There’s precious little to talk about despite a person in a pig mask, a person in a pig mask wielding a taser and relitigation of the sordid bacchanal we call college
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Deliver The Profile Episode 85: Not So Mysterious Skin

It’s an episode called “The Boys of Sudworth Place”, it’s part of Morgan Madness, you do the math. Jeffrey Nordling, who played the jerk coach in D3: Mighty Ducks, is playing something much worse. Ronnie and Jazz also talk about general topics pertinent to the show, like why does the team always break down doors.
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Deliver The Profile Episode 84: Level Three and Shit

Morgan Madness trundles onward as Ronnie and Jazz finish up the missing cousin storyline introduced in last episode’s “Big Sea” with this episode’s “The Company”. How was the initial investigation botched so badly? Why doesn’t Morgan’s mother make an appearance? Is JJ a better character when she’s mean? All these and more will be answered
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Deliver The Profile Episode 83: Party of Two

Season 6’s “Big Sea” is so bad, so full of Rachel Nichols, that the hosts spend most of their time talking about 90s television shows, from Party of Five to The Crow: Stairway to Heaven. It’s a rough one, people, and Morgan Madness shows no signs of stopping. Here Morgan has to contend with his
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Deliver The Profile Episode 82: Have You Heard, The Tale Of Morgan Being Molested?

The first Deliver The Profile episode of the new year covers “Restoration”, a Season 8 episode that continues the saga of Morgan getting molested. If you like men with their pants down, Rango and phony conversions to Islam, this is the episode for you.

 

Law & Ordocki Season 3 #4 (#23): Who’s MINDing The Store?

Besides its focus on sex crimes, Special Victims Unit differentiates itself from Law & Order by lending more screentime to the characters’ personal lives. It’s a nice midway point between the threadbare nature of Law & Order‘s personal storylines (Briscoe’s daughter being murdered and him getting revenge took place over the course of about four
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Law & Ordocki Season 3 #3 (#22): Gibbon Me A Break!

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit was always sensationalistic. It’s understandable; stories about sex crimes can easily become tawdry and prurient in a repressed country such as this, and true to temptation, they regularly became such on the show. As the show goes on, there’s a tendency to want to top oneself. Bigger rapes, crazier
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Deliver The Profile Episode 81: Morgan Got Molested

In our Christmas episode, Deliver The Profile talks about that time Morgan got molested. “Profiler Profiled” forces Shemar Moore to stretch his acting talents to their limit and the results are not pretty. When not trying to spin comedy gold out of child molestation, Ronnie and Jazz discuss the Blair Witch, exchange Christmas presents and
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Ronnie Gardocki Holiday Humor #2: Pottersville

The horror, the horror… What stoked my interest in Pottersville was primarily the poster; within it were horrors of Photoshop that are oft discussed but rarely witnessed. Nothing is congruent and each actor’s clothing and demeanor raises more questions. Is Michael Shannon wearing a sweater for his shirt or is that a strange apron-like device?
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Deliver The Profile Episode 80: Petulant Whining

In Episode 80 of the show, Ronnie and Jazz discuss “True Night”, the story of Frankie Muniz drawing comic books that happen to depict actual murders. Is he the unsub? Of course he is! Fans of Frankie Muniz be warned, the hosts are not kind to him or his attempts at dramatic acting. Wolf and
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Ronnie Gardocki Holiday Humor #1: Curious George: A Very Monkey Christmas

The Christmas season means myriad things to people. For some, it’s time to reflect on one’s faith. Others, it’s time spent with loved ones. With me, it means in addition to the usual bullshit I watch I also check out holiday movies and holiday specials of television shows. I’ve missed the window for becoming a
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Deliver The Profile Episode 79: The Road Warrior

Deliver The Profile continues their look at almost decent episodes of Criminal Minds with the Mitch Pileggi starring “Normal”. Along the way, Ronnie and Jazz make fun of Australia, Jay Leno and bemoan the delay of The Weinstein Company’s film Polaroid.

 

Law & Ordocki Season 3 #2 (#21): John Stamos is the Modern Day Montezuma

Hello again. I would like to first apologize for the length between last column and this one. I had a disastrous computer failure in which my almost completed piece on the SVU episode “Choreographed” was lost without a trace. Yes, I learned my lesson, which is to back up multiple times even when in mid-sentence.
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Deliver The Profile Episode 78: Ronnie Is Dying

Talk about Season 1’s “The Popular Kids” is derailed as Ronnie cannot keep from coughing. We apologize for the shorter than usual episode and hope the fact that the first 18 minutes are about Nicholas Brendon’s latest run in with life compensates at least a bit.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 77: Our Last Korea Show For A While

We should’ve never spent three consecutive episodes in Korea. I’m sorry. This is the last one for a while. Beyond Borders’ “Pretty Like Me” isn’t pretty but does confirm to us that Koreans LOVE plastic surgery. Simmons searches for his Korean grandma and we don’t care.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 76: A Real Dog of an Episode

Two hours of “entertainment” for you this week! The second episode of Korean Criminal Minds picks up where the last left off, with Ha Sun-woo was run over by a car and an unsub on the loose. Throughout the multiple hours, Ronnie and Jazz discuss Tru Calling, Early Edition, whether it’s good or not to
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Deliver The Profile Episode 75: 75 Years Of Laughs!

It’s the 75th episode spectacular, people, and have we got a surprise for you. DELIVER THE PROFILE IS COVERING THE FIRST EPISODE OF KOREA’S CRIMINAL MINDS ADAPTATION. Listen to hosts Ronnie and Jazz struggle to pronounce Korean names multiple times! Thrill as they learn the stark differences between the North and South! But really, just
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Deliver The Profile Episode 74: Are You A Bobby Or A Sven?

It’s season finale time for Criminal Minds’ tenth year, but that doesn’t mean Deliver The Profile is taking any time off. Besides the delay for this episode caused by a power outage, of course. “The Hunt” puts Jennifer Love Hewitt’s very own niece-daughter in danger and serves as a swan song to a character the
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Law & Ordocki Season 3 #1 (#20): Another Fucking Year Of This Shit

Wow, it’s really been over a year since I last wrote about this? Jesus. Well, uh, expect a slightly more regular schedule from now on… then again, it’s like it can get worse, right? The eras of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit can be broadly delineated into three: the golden era (Seasons 1-6), in
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Deliver The Profile Episode 73: Zart

In the Deliver The Profile episode covering Criminal Minds’ penultimate Season 10 episode, “Protection”, Ronnie reviews the bootleg Night Man DVD set he bought at a comic book convention, the hosts give each other space names, and a piece of trivia leads to what Ronnie calls “the single most hilarious death I’ve ever read about”.
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Deliver The Profile Episode 72: Thomas Gibson in: “Shinkicker”

“Broken Mirror” is an early episode of Criminal Minds, and it might be the best episode of the show? It definitely isn’t the best episode of the podcast – there’s some audio issues and Ronnie is even lower energy than usual. But if you make it through the thing you’ll get to hear about identical
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Deliver The Profile Episode 71: Gods of Combutt

This episode of Deliver The Profile, covering Season 8’s “The Wheels on the Bus” has it all: discussions about video games, bad Nicholas Brendon impressions (are there any other kind?), ruminations on “the drinking days”, complaining about the Milwaukee Brewers and a CRAZY FAN THEORY that definitely should become true. Come on, it’s Criminal Minds
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Deliver The Profile Episode 70: Freedom Legs

Ronnie and Jazz barely talk about the Beyond Borders episode “The Lonely Heart” because there’s really not that much to talk about. Instead they review Walter Hill’s The Assignment, discuss the implications of the planet of the apes and resolve to not cover another episode of Beyond Borders for a while.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 69: Behind Jerry Orbach’s Eyes

After a nearly month long hiatus, Deliver The Profile is back to talk about one of their favorite topics: Jerry Orbach’s eyes. That’s because the episode “Anonymous” is about a man trying to kill his way through the organ donor process. Meanwhile, Rossi’s Vietnam buddy dies and we all pretend to be sad. Jazz’s taste
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Deliver The Profile Episode 68: 68

Episode 200, folks! No, not of the podcast, but the show. Criminal Minds. It’s an extravagant affair that contains guest appearances, flashbacks and someone threatening to rape a main character. But that’s not all the boys discuss! There’s the creation of a PODCAST BEEF, an exploration into how Louis C.K.’s sex crimes could be mitigated,
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Deliver The Profile Episode 67: Cleveland Rocks!

Deliver the Profile is back to its regular schedule after a series of irritating delays. Returning to the Ballad of Joe Mantegna’s Vietnam Buddy, “The Road Home” is also about a homeless vigilante raising hell in Drew Carey’s Cleveland. Witness him gun down drug manufacturers, wife beaters, joggers and all the rest of society’s detritus.
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Deliver The Profile Episode 66: Vietnam Veterans Were Babies

A summary of the episode we watched for this edition of the podcast: “A trip among the homeless inspires Rossi to finish his dedication page”. Expect a LOT of jokes about the homeless. If you are homeless and are offended by this podcast, please write in and explain why you are able to listen to
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