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Deliver The Profile Episode 145: #releasetheteethcut

Deliver The Profile reaches the penultimate frontier: Season 14. What is this strange season and what does it contain? Why are the hosts doing this? Well, “Flesh and Blood” has a connection to an episode the podcast covered a few shows ago, which will become evident as you listen. (Hint: You’ll be good if you
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Deliver The Profile Episode 144: Bird Hour

Goodbye Gideon comes to a close as the characters truly say goodbye to the Mandy Patinkin portrayed persnickety bird obsessive. By this we mean he gets his face blown off by the most gruesome antagonist yet – The Birdman! That’s not all. Witness what was to be the second Criminal Minds spinoff: Young Rossi and
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Deliver The Profile Episode 143: Milwaukee

We’re going back. Back to Milwaukee. Yes, Ronnie and Jazz’s hometown, the Big Apple itself, makes its return to Criminal Minds in “In Flesh and Blood”. The penultimate episode of Goodbye Gideon, it’s the last appearance of Mandy Patinkin. He makes his 38 seconds of screentime count. Meanwhile, a man is ripping women’s hearts out,
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Deliver The Profile Episode 142: Thanks A Lot, Virginia Tech

Ronnie and Jazz discuss “Doubt”, the episode in which Gideon screws up and one of Elaine Benes’ boyfriends pays the price. “Doubt” was originally meant to be the Criminal Minds Season 2 finale but got bumped when it proved too similar to the Virginia Tech shooting. Remember when shootings were significant enough events to delay
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Deliver The Profile Episode 141: No Way Out II: The Evilution of Frank

The long awaited conclusion to the Frank saga is here, and it’s far from a good episode, much less the best one ever. Ronnie and Jazz cannot mask their disappointment that Carradine’s and Patinkin’s onscreen chemistry is reduced to a bunch of phone calls. The former kills the latter’s pseudo-girlfriend and the rest of the
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Deliver The Profile Episode 140: Best Episode Ever?

I’m tired of writing show descriptions that get deleted again and again so let’s get through this fast. “No Way Out”, perhaps the best Criminal Minds. It’s got everything, from Keith Carradine to milkshakes to missing kids to rib bones to people with the word ‘Crazy’ in there. Despite the podcast’s length, Ronnie and Jazz
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Deliver The Profile Episode 139: Clunk Wrent

Origins Month comes to a finish with “Charm & Harm”, an episode with suspicious similarities to the Season 14 episode “Chameleon”. Would Criminal Minds be so callow as to rip themselves off? This isn’t the venue to speculate, but yes. The serial killer drowns women and then switches his identity, from real estate guy to
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Deliver The Profile Episode 138: 21 Foot Rule

In this week’s podcast, Ronnie and Jazz discuss Season 1 ‘gem’ “The Tribe”, and we’re only being half-sarcastic with the gem appellation. This really is one of the best Criminal Minds hours. Why? John Blackwolf. He’s the Batman of Criminal Minds, at least according to Ronnie. As the profilers seek to solve some murders seemingly
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Deliver The Profile Episode 137: Going Off The Rails On The Unsub Express

Origins Month enters its second week as Ronnie and Jazz try to do anything but discuss “Derailed”, aka the train episode. More a hostage negotiation than an exciting adventure on the rails, “Derailed” is an attempt at an Elle episode that goes sideways when the writers realize they have nothing to say about a woman.
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Deliver The Profile Episode 136: The Who Is A British Rock And Roll Band

September means Deliver The Profile is doing Origins Month, aka a month of covering Season 1 of Criminal Minds. “Won’t Get Fooled Again” is the third ever episode of the series and it goes so far as to resolve the trauma that set up Mandy Patinkin’s character in the first place. We’re dealing with a
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Deliver The Profile Episode 135: Toshiro Garrett

For the finale of CHILDREN IN PERIL month, Ronnie and Jazz tackle Beyond Borders Season 1 finale “Paper Orphans”. Set in Haiti, the episode is about a couple keen on adopting a Haitian boy lose their biological child during the night. But the hosts spend most of their time on tangents regarding spinoffs, Jack Garrett’s
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Deliver The Profile Episode 134: Scenes from a Mall

We’ve got another kid in peril on our hands in “Seven Seconds”, a Season 3 episode from that weird period between Gideon’s departure and Rossi’s arrival. The entire thing takes place in a mall, basically, and that means one thing: arcade games! Because it’s 1994. It at least gives Ronnie the opportunity to talk about
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Deliver The Profile Episode 133: Gabby Gabby Hey

Kids In Peril Month rolls on as it’s time for Once Upon A Time…in Hollywood star Julia Butters to get kidnapped and for the BAU to learn an important lesson about disruption adoption. Or something. It’s Mississippi, Los Angeles and the unsub or unsubs belong more on Justified than on Criminal Minds, so take what
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Deliver The Profile Episode 132: A Talking Hell!?!

Ronnie and Jazz return to Season 1 as part of KIDS IN PERIL MONTH with “What Fresh Hell?”, an episode about, well, a kid in peril. Billie Copeland has been abducted by a guy with a van and a leash and nobody knows what to do, least of all her bickering parents. Can the BAU
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Deliver The Profile Episode 131: Hoach

In “Out of the Light”, Hotch becomes a youth soccer coach with Rossi as his assistant. It’s stupid but more valid than anything else that happens in the episode, which takes the gang to North Carolina and sees them delving into a case of missing and abducted women. Which creep is responsible this time, the
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Deliver The Profile Episode 130: Episode 150

The summer rolls on, the heat continues, everyone wants to die. But before dying, it’s time to discuss Criminal Minds! This time it’s the 150th episode in the original series, “Unknown Subject”. The sky is empty because the episode is full of stars, from Judith Hoag (the first April O’Neil, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) to
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Deliver The Profile Episode 129: The Joss Whedon Strangler

Many things are going on and the least interesting one is the episode under discussion, Beyond Borders’ “Citizens of the World”. Ronnie and Jazz also discuss Nicholas Brendon’s get rich sadly scheme, close the book on Babygate (we hope) and Ronnie tries to explain the plot of Mortal Engines to the bemused and hostile. As
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Deliver The Profile Episode 128: Reid Doesn’t What Johnny Depp Does

This episode is late, yes, but considering both hosts’ laptops are in various stages of death it is lucky there is an episode at all. “Somebody’s Watching” posits what if Amber Heard wanted to fuck Spencer Reid. Look, she married Johnny Depp, she clearly has some bad luck with men. (There will be no abuse
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Jessica Chastain played WHO in Dark Phoenix?

The X-Men film series has run an impressive 19 years without a hard reboot. To contrast, Spider-Man has rebooted twice in that time and so has Batman. It’s for this reason that X-Men remains something of a throwback to the old manner of adapting comic books to film. In the early 2000s it was conventional
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Deliver The Profile Episode 127: Sending Mike To Belize

Sorry for the lateness, but we have a big episode for you, one nearing two hours. There’s Criminal Minds news as the Season 15 episode titles appear to leak. There’s show news as the podcast gets into a feud with a baby. Then there’s the matter at hand, “Love Interrupted”, a Beyond Borders episode about
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Deliver The Profile Episode 126: A G-g-g-ghost?!?!?!

Well, it’s finally happened: Criminal Minds is flirting with the possibility that the unsub is a fucking ghost. It’s not, but what if it was? “The Angel Maker” spends about 20 minutes down that route. In the aftermath of Hotch losing his hearing, there’s almost nothing done with that. Look, there’s not a lot of
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Deliver The Profile Episode 125: Porpoising

Well, it’s finally happened: Criminal Minds does 9/11. Mind you, they don’t actually take on that case, as 9/11 was allegedly already solved years ago. A plane crashes and it reminds everyone of 9/11, especially Jennifer Love Hewitt, who lost family in the attacks. “A Thousand Suns” is a real shitshow with multiple red herrings,
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Deliver The Profile Episode 124: The Boogerman

Say goodbye to Elle, the brunette we barely knew and didn’t really care about. She makes her exit in “The Boogeyman”, which is otherwise about a short staffed team pursuing a child murderer. Who could it be? Like all Criminal Minds mysteries, it’s not that hard to figure out. This episode features early performances by
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Deliver The Profile Episode 123: Criminal Minds: SVU

Suspect Behavior has finally ended, so Ronnie and Jazz are back to their traditional beat of Criminal Minds Classic. Yet this is a departure of an episode in that the unsub isn’t a serial killer at all–he’s a RAPIST. Did the boys watch an episode of SVU by mistake? No, unfortunately. “Aftermath” is the beginning
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Law & Order Season 3 #8 (#31): Who Munches The Munchmen?

Superheroes! Who doesn’t love them? Well, me, after they got so ubiquitous I couldn’t fucking ignore them anymore. Still, I have multiple bookshelves of comic book trades, owning way more Namor storylines than anyone has any business owning. I thought to ‘celebrate’ the release of the 47th Marvel Cinematic Universe movie-film, Avengers: Chunnel by covering the infamous
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Deliver The Profile Minisode 1: Wrapping Up Suspect Behavior

What’s this? It’s the first EVER Deliver The Profile minisode! What is a minisode? Well, it’s when the boys record something that’s under an hour. Minisode #1 is their final word on Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior. Ronnie and Jazz go through why the show doesn’t work, its shitty characters and rank the episodes from least
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Deliver The Profile Episode 122: Free Sex

Throw away the DVD set and hang up your Forest Whitaker pennant because Suspect Behavior is over – for good! For the season/series finale, Ronnie and Jazz (well, Ronnie) do the unthinkable: listen to the commentary track. What insights do the cast and crew have to offer? What insights do the hosts have? “Death by
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Deliver The Profile Episode 121: The Taxidermy Episode

While “The Girl in the Blue Mask” is more a riff on Eyes Without A Face, Ronnie and Jazz still spend most of the podcast’s run time discussing taxidermy, what makes an acceptable ‘subject’ and how dermheads are persecuted by normals in our society. Suspect Behavior is almost over, folks, don’t worry. This week also
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Deliver The Profile Episode 120: Schiff Fit

Still Suspect Behavin’, still struggling. “Strays” places Richard Schiff’s FBI director front and center when he uses the red cell to track down his goddaughter. This is a lot like Taken, only instead of Liam Neeson it’s a half dozen morons and instead of a luxurious villain hangout the sex slavery auction takes place in
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Law & Ordocki Season 3 #7 (#30): Aunt Maylevolent

What makes a good episode of Law & Order: SVU? What makes a “good” episode of Law & Order: SVU? If this column has an aim to accomplish anything it’s to answer those two questions. In the midst of its 20th season and after 454 episodes (and 1 cancelled on account of Trump) it should be
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Deliver The Profile Episode 119: A Talking District Attorney!?!

Blame Jazz. He’s the one who wanted the Suspect Behavior episodes off his hard drive, so for the next four weeks Deliver The Profile is putting the finishing touches on the beleaguered Forest Whitaker-centric spinoff. Things don’t get off to a good start as “The Time Is Now”, despite featuring A Talking Cat!?! star Eric
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Law & Ordocki Season 3 #6 (#29): Mystery Meat

April Fools! I did it! I fooled ya. I did it. You thought it was going to be, like every other week or month or whatever the schedule is, me blathering on about Law & Order for 2000 or so words. Instead, because it is a holiday dedicated to momentarily lying to people and then confessing to
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Talkin’ ‘Bout Turtles 4: Despise the Rise of the TMNT

There’s a new Ninja Turtles cartoon in town and that means Ronnie and Jazz are going to complain about it! For this April Fool’s holiday enjoy a podcast – recorded months ago and unearthed today – about Nickelodeon’s latest shitty permutation of Eastman and Laird’s cash cow. What differentiates this from the last one? Where’s
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Deliver The Profile Episode 118: Zugzwang III: The Final Zugzwang

You’d think an episode that ends in murder-suicide would be attention grabbing and entertaining. Well, you’d be wrong, as Ronnie and Jazz find out in their examination of Season 8’s “Zugzwang”. The culmination of the Reid’s secret girlfriend subplot, “Zugzwang” manages to combine a mystery and petulance to create something starring the one Nickelodeon star
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Deliver The Profile Episode 117: Beecher? Hardly Know ‘Er!

Oz was such a good show, guys. Criminal Minds isn’t, but they try to attach themselves to the prestige of Oz by casting Lee Tergesen as the unsub in “Retaliation”, Season 5’s effort at changing things up a little. It doesn’t work. What does work? Prentiss is in a car crash. Kids have to interact
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Deliver The Profile Episode 116: Spring Break! Part 2

It’s “The Fisher King Part 2″ and questions are answered, like who is the Fisher King, does Elle survive getting shot, why the hell was the guy sending all that stuff to the team anyway and who does he have locked up in his dungeon basement. But that’s not all. Ronnie watched the Season 14
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Law & Ordocki Season 3 #5 (#28): My So-Called Crotch Wound

I want to first say I have nothing against polyamory. If that’s your thing, fine. I’m pretty pro-monogamy but I don’t begrudge anyone seeking an alternate form of intimate relations as long as it isn’t harming anyone. I open the article with this because “Bombshell”, the episode of Law & Order: SVU that I’m covering for
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Deliver The Profile Episode 115: Spring Break! Part 1

Yes, this episode is fashionably late. That’s because Ronnie’s laptop died, he got it back, and then it promptly died again after a few days. But don’t let that get you down, because we’ve got a good one for you. It covers the Criminal Minds 1st season finale, “The Fisher King: Part 1″! Who is
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Deliver The Profile Episode 114: Sock Juice

It’s Jazz’s birthday! Well, it was, when we were recording this. As such, the top of the episode contains a review of the hosts’ field trip to see M. Night Shyamalan’s Glass. It sucked and yet was infinitely better than the podcast’s first foray into Season 12, a season so bad it made people miss
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Law & Ordocki Season 3 #4 (#27): A Chip In The Old Shoulder

This article is tough to write because, well, I already wrote it. I had my take on the SVU episode “Choreographed” almost complete when OpenOffice decided to turn it into unreadable gibberish. (Well, turn it from unreadable gibberish into literal unreadable gibberish.) There’s little desire to try to recreate what was lost from half-formed memories; in all
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Deliver The Profile Episode 113: Bad Blood

We travel back to Season 1 of Criminal Minds with “Blood Hungry”! Just because Ronnie and Jazz are both fighting coughs doesn’t mean they cannot talk to you about Doug Jones, Mandy Patinkin treating Garcia like shit, small towns and how to interrogate crazy people. Also, remember to call your kids, okay? It’s important.

 

Law & Ordocki Season 3 #3 (#26): Oedipus Sex

One of the things you have to understand is I’m bad at my job. When Margot Kidder passed away, I thought to myself “I should honor her by making fun of the time she played the mother of a serial killer in Law & Order: SVU”. She died in May; it’s now January of the
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Deliver The Profile Episode 112: The End…?

Criminal Minds is DEAD. D-E-A-D! After next season’s shortened Season 15 it will be banished to the land of wind and ghosts. Fittingly, Ronnie and Jazz break from format of “talk about a specific episode” to cover everything related to this bombshell, such as what prompted the final renewal, what we can expect from the
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Deliver The Profile Episode 111: Disco Inferno

2019 is off to a great start, by which we mean a start, with “House on Fire”, an episode that at least changes up the pace some. Instead of killing by knife or gun or increasingly improbable specialized Rube Goldberg device, the unsub starts fires, seals exits and has people burn to death. This one
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Deliver The Profile Episode 110: Hot Enough For Ya?

In what may be the dumbest episode of Criminal Minds we’ve yet covered, “A Thousand Words” is about a guy who calls in a suicide…his own! He turns out to be a serial killer with crappy full body tattoos that are key to solving the case. Dean Norris guest stars. The hosts feel the real
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A History of Stupid Black Manta Origins

Well, it finally happened: Aquaman has achieved something resembling legitimacy. The James Wan directed 2018 picture opened to warm reviews and excellent box office receipts and will certainly shape perception of the character for years to come. No longer will he be the orange shirted douchebag who talks to fish and is conspicuously useless among
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Deliver The Profile Episode 109: The Human Lie Detector

Back to basics as Deliver The Profile delves into “Magnificent Light”, an episode about a self-help guy who probably causes more damage to the world than the serial killer who’s obsessed with him. If that’s not enough, the killer is one of those people who can naturally produce LSD, so he can see words! Witness
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Deliver The Profile Episode 108: A Suspect Decision

That title means what you think it means: another Suspect Behavior episode. “Smother” has neither Smothers brother in it and instead has missing moms, inappropriate moms, breastbiting, video game playing, phone eavesdropping and vigils that shouldn’t happen. The hosts are feeling good because it’s the first time recording since SCOTT WALKER LOST RE-ELECTION. Celebrate good
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Deliver The Profile Episode 107: Zzz…

Wouldn’t you rather be sleeping? That certainly is the case with “Awake”, a Season 11 yawner about a man who’s searching for his daughter and will prevent people who may know something from sleeping. This is thematically rich territory because J.J., fresh off maternity leave, is ALSO sleep-deprived. A J.J. episode. WONDERFUL. Be sure to
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Law & Ordocki Season 3 #2 (#25): Pre-9/11 Tension

I thought that for the momentous 25th occasion of Law & Ordocki I ought to go back to the beginning with SVU: its inaugural season. A simpler time for the show and a simpler time for America. It was before 9/11 for fuck’s sake. This particular episode, “Chat Room”, aired on April 14th, 2000. Back then,
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