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Law & Ordocki Season 5 #11 (#45): Boreganized Crime

Image inspired by Chris Ludovici. I think I hate Organized Crime more than I do Special Victims Unit, after only two episodes. Let me explain. SVU is terrible, yes, but it’s terrible in a way to which I’m accustomed. It’s like a pair of jeans one size too small; you can fit in them, but
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Deliver The Profile Episode 196: The End (Not Really)

We at Deliver The Profile reach the end…of the Reid in prison arc. This premiere raises more questions than it does answers. Such as: what does Mr. Scratch want? Which character dies, and does it happen to be the one whose actor is no longer in the main credits? Does Hotch come back? Can Paget
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Adventures in Bendisshitting #5: Siege by Ronnie Gardocki and Christopher Ludovici

Well, folks, we’re entering the home stretch of Adventures in Bendisshitting’s Marvel coverage. This is the culmination of everything Bendis has been doing arguably since Secret War, so everything he did after Siege can be considered as him running up the score. LeBron after he won it with Cleveland, Tom Brady winning a Super Bowl
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The Parasite

Next week is the fifth year anniversary of the day I stopped drinking. I’ve chosen not to write about that part of my life because frankly I was never that comfortable with the self-reflection necessary to write about oneself. But I figure if I am ever going to do it it may as well be
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Deliver The Profile Episode 195: Guble Me This, Batman

Here it is. The Season 12 finale. The penultimate installment of “Reid in Jail”. The second to last time you’ll hear the kickass Oz version of the theme. “Red Light” wraps up the Aubrey Plaza portion of the storyline and it involves impregnation, secret lesbianism and hallucinations to make a dramatic point aplenty. Aubrey Plaza
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Deliver The Profile Episode 194: Figrin D’an

We hit part 1 of the 2 part season finale of Season 12, “Green Light”! You know what that means: Reid in prison’s end is in sight. Beyond that, the show wraps up the Calvin Shaw “storyline”, Reid’s mom is missing and the true mastermind behind all this stands revealed. But Ronnie and Jazz are
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Deliver The Profile Episode 193: Nuclear Lunch Woman

It’s what you’ve been waiting for: the Walker focus episode! His friend, Hart Boechner, is in the hospital and it’s up to our newest addition to the BAU to figure out what ails his buddy. What does it have to do with Walker’s undercover work in Russia? Nothing, actually, but that won’t prevent Criminal Minds
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Deliver The Profile Episode 192: Aggrieved Science Fair Loser

Shit rolls on in “True North”, as there’s…no fallout from what Reid did last episode and in place of repercussions are a jaunt down to Arizona where people have been tied to stakes, adorned with shock collars and…look, it’s all very elaborate and stupid. We’ll get to it. This episode introduces The Aggrieved Science Fair
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Deliver The Profile Episode 191: Tollbooth Vampire

The title says it all: “Hell’s Kitchen” is about a tollbooth vampire who runs a tollbooth when he’s not out vampiring. We’ve done a lot of dumb Criminal Minds episodes, but this is definitely top 3, alongside the autistic kid one and the sinkhole one. Ratboy from Sons of Anarchy transforms into BATBOY. Ronnie and
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Deliver The Profile Episode 190: Third Life

No more Oz opening…for now! Yes, Deliver The Profile goes back to the before times when Reid was not in jail, just an ordinary FBI wunderkind. This time the case takes them to sunny who gives a shit, where two girls have been kidnapped. One of the fathers is more than he seems, and his
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Adventures in Bendisshitting Single: Bendis Confirms Iceman Is A Bachelor

Gay people. Corporations love their money, white women love stealing their culture that they in turn stole from black women, and people try to memory hole how homophobic culture was even 15 years ago. In comics, the queers have made significant strides in that same time span. No longer were comic book characters only pejoratively
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Law & Ordocki Season 5 #10 (#44): Jungle Fever

“WELCOME TO THE PEDO MOTEL”. Well, that’s certainly a title. Despite that, “Welcome to the Pedo Motel” is deliberately a low key affair, considering last week brought Elliot Stabler back into the mix and was the most consequential episode in years. I guess it’s to the show’s credit it remembers it has, you know, its
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Deliver The Profile Episode 189: Dr. Murder and Mr. Murder

In this shitpile we call an episode of Criminal Minds, somebody’s killing poachers by day and breaking into homes and killing people by night. Could they be connected? Probably. In other news, Reid is still in prison. Niles and Frasier are hassling him, and it looks as though Reid’s buddy Luis is not long for
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Deliver The Profile Episode 188: BONECRUSHER IS READY

Tatum O’Neal guest stars on this very special episode of Criminal Minds on this very routine episode of Deliver The Profile. “Assistance is Futile” takes the subversive tack of having a suspect’s mother come in out of the blue to tell the team her son’s the Bonecrusher they’re looking for. Reid is still in prison,
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Deliver The Profile Episode 187: NO NAAN

Ronnie and Jazz take a break from Reid in Prison to do a random Season 8 episode that isn’t very good. Someone is abducting nannies, raping and burning them with cigarettes. There’s a survivor but she won’t help the BAU, so it’s up to them to badger her into cooperating. Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen.
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Timspotting 2: He’s Dead, That’s The Way It Is

Timspotting returns! I don’t intend for this to be a regular thing, just something that crops up when happenings occur in the world of Tim Allen and his associated brands (Richard Karn, Buzz Lightyear, etc.). Well, there’s no bigger Timtality than the finale of Last Man Standing, his second sitcom and the photo negative of
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Law & Ordocki Season 5 #9 (#43): Organized Slime

It’s not SVU, I’ll give it that much. I’ve long been on the record as thinking Special Victims Unit—currently in its 287th season—has been an unbearable slog. I wouldn’t watch it if I weren’t able to vent my spleen about its many faults in these articles. So you’d think I would be delighted by the
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Deliver The Profile Episode 186: Glavin

Criminal Minds takes on the incel epidemic with “Alpha Male”. Someone is tossing acid in the faces of pretty people and it’s up to CBS’ pretty people to stop it. Meanwhile, Reid is still in jail and finds a new friend in Oz’s Augustus Hill, because Reid is the most credulous motherfucker on the planet.
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Deliver The Profile: Spiral: From the Book of Saw

Deliver The Profile’s 2 month hiatus has ended…with a movie episode? Yes, Ronnie and Jazz are back to the movies, and what better choice than what amounts to a 93 minute Criminal Minds episode with slightly more gore? This of course refers to Spiral: From The Book of Saw, which contains no book of Saw
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Adventures in Bendisshitting #4: Secret Invasion by Ronnie Gardocki and Christopher Ludovici

A little context before we head into the latest Adventure in Bendshitting, lest you end up confused. In between House of M (our last column) and Secret Invasion (this column), an event called Civil War happened. I’m not covering it because a) Bendis didn’t write it and b) contrary to the other events discussed in
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Law & Ordocki Season 5 #8 (#42): The Dark Nut Returns

Oh man. Man oh man. I only say this like three times a week but I really wish I were still drinking, because if any hour of television earned me a stiff vodka on the rocks or maybe a half liter of Cabernet it’s what I lovingly dubbed Before Stablerset. But before I tear into
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Adventures in Bendisshitting #3: House of M by Ronnie Gardocki and Christopher Ludovici

Wanda Maximoff is having a moment, isn’t she, folks? “That girl whose powers are poorly defined and who occasionally has an accent” is now starring on a Disney+ show, which for Elizabeth Olsen is a step up from starring in a Facebook Watch series. It’s difficult to believe that a decade or so ago the
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Adventures in Bendisshitting #2: Avengers Disassembled

NOTE: I know I said next installment was House of M, but I forgot that chronologically Avengers Disassembled comes first in the greater tapestry of Bendis suckage. So next time will be House of M. Promise You kids may not know this, but the Avengers were not always the crown jewel of the Marvel Universe. They
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Deliver The Profile Episode 185: Not The Jay Leno Movie

It’s a brand new story arc and that means for the first time there’s a NEW THEME! Yes, Deliver The Profile is finally covering the interminable Reid in Prison arc. How many rape jokes will there be? Too many. As for the episode itself, it’s about a guy who controls cars to hit people. Hence
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Deliver The Profile 184: Route 666

“Route 66″! This week’s Criminal Minds is a bifurcated affair, with the team taking on a spree killer who’s kidnapped his daughter (or has he?) while Aaron Hotchner fights for his life in a fantasy movie theatre populated by his dead wife and his greatest enemy. Get out your goldenrod pages, it’s coma fantasy time!


Deliver The Profile Episode 183: Dude Ranch

“Pariahville” is about a murder in a community of people on the sex offender registry. Did one of the pervs do it or was it somebody else? Meanwhile, Lewis, that’s Aisha Tyler’s character, is made an offer she can or cannot refuse. It’s a pretty stupid episode, but aren’t they all? Ronnie and Jazz argue
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Timspotting: What The Fuck

Welcome to Timspotting, an irregular feature for an irregular guy. Tim Allen is a man of contrasts: he indulges in retrograde gender roles for laughs and yet he’s also Buzz Lightyear. Rather than review his new show with Richard “Al” Karn, Assembly Required, I thought I’d listen to an interview with him conducted by Marc
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Deliver The Profile Episode 182: Disco Biscuits

Finally DTP returns to regular programming with a regular episode of Criminal Minds “starring” the antagonist from Shadow Wolves as the unsub. In “Blue Angel”, someone is taking men and castrating them. What does this have to do with Simmons’ attempts to get laid? Not much.


Adventures in Bendisshitting #1: Secret War

Welcome to Adventures in Bendshitting, my unending series of articles about the pernicious and malign influence the comical works of Brian Michael Bendis has had over superhero comics this century. Over the past 20 years Bendis has written approximately 4000 comics, and liberally 75 of those are readable. The rest are like Secret War, the
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Deliver The Profile Minisode 4: Criminal Minds Reboot?

Ronnie and Jazz face the horrifying, inevitable reality that is the possible Criminal Minds reboot. This news ruined a cheeseburger, people.


Law & Ordocki Season 5 #7 (#41): Good Time Amanda, Uncle Ice, and the Great SVU Freak-Out

I’m back to doing Season 21 because SVU has had a break of new episodes for the past couple of weeks. “We Dream of Machine Elves” was one of the repeats, and given I didn’t cover Season 21 besides the opener I felt it worthwhile to investigate. 21, you’ll remember, is the debut of Officer Kat
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Deliver The Profile Minisode 3: Emergency Nicholas Brendon News

Ronnie and Jazz convene an emergency session of the podcast to discuss the important Nicholas Brendon news.


Deliver The Profile: Shadow Wolves

Here it is. The Christmas show…in February. Don’t worry, though, it is worth the wait. Shadow Wolves is the brainchild of an Islamophobic loser and the greatest film Steven Seagal never starred in. The Shadow Wolves consist of Native American trackers who seek to stop an Iranian from crossing the Mexican bomber to blow up
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Law & Ordocki Season 5 #6 (#40): The Long Arm of the Witless

Can we start off by discussing what the hell is with these titles? Back in the glory days, SVU episodes would have evocative one word titles. “Retro”, “Totem”, “Trials”, those sorts of titles. With Season 13 the titles changed so they were two words–perhaps the new showrunner’s attempt to make a concrete break from the Stabler
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Law & Ordocki Season 5 #5 (#39): Call It Odorama Cause This Show Stinks

Another week, another SVU. What is there to say about “Turn Me On Take Me Private” that hasn’t been said about other episodes, specifically ones I’ve covered for this column? Well, I suppose the subject matter is something of a novelty. Camming isn’t exactly new, but it’s increased its prominence in the last few years
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Deliver The Profile Episode 181: Back to Koreatown

The boys are back to discuss Korean Criminal Minds episode 4, a pivotal part of the Northwestern serial murder case saga.


Deliver The Profile Episode 180: Joe Mantegna’s OnlyFans

Ronnie and Jazz discuss “The Slave of Duty”, aka the funeral episode of Criminal Minds. The cast says goodbye to Haley and pretends there’s a chance Hotch will quit the team. It takes a good kicking for that to happen as history has proven. The boys discuss Ronnie’s Hung Season 1 blu-ray and also devise
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Law & Ordocki Season 5 #4 (#38): Carisi v. Barba: Dawn of Justice

Whenever an ADA or an EADA leaves a Law & Order program, there’s always the hope that they’ll return, preferably as an defense attorney, so that they and the current guy or gal can square off. It’s happened before, like when Paul Robinette would show up on Law & Order, or when Jamie Ross did
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Deliver The Profile Episode 179: 100

Here we are, folks: the 100th episode. No, not of the podcast, silly. Don’t you know how to read the ID3 tags? This week we’re doing the 100th Criminal Minds, a landmark episode that asks the question: how much is a wife worth anyway? Not a whole lot more than some man pain and a
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Abrams’ Spider-Man: Our Long National Nightmare Is Over

It may have taken 23 years, but J.J. Abrams and son have finally completed their much maligned Spider-Man series nobody gave a shit about. No one clamored for a conclusion to the long delayed mini, but here we are. It crept up on me, admittedly. Only when I looked at a shipping list did I
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Deliver The Profile Episode 178: Foxin’ Around

The Reaper Saga is at its halfway point as we greet the return of The Fox, last seen in Season 1’s “The Fox”. “Outfoxed” is about our foxxy foe having an admirer whom the BAU must apprehend. Of course the podcast is barely about that, and is mainly about wrestling and Goofy’s child rearing skills
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Deliver The Profile Episode 177: Boston

It’s all about Boston in the Deliver The Profile covering “Omnivore”, possibly the best episode of Criminal Minds. Wahlberg jokes, jokes about Boston’s love of bigotry and Jameson abound.


Firing Whine with Ronnie Gardocki and Dr. Daniel Daughhetee: Hillbilly Elegy

The hillbilly. What is he? Is he a simple bumpkin–bewildered and upset by modern inventions such as the cellular phone and interracial marriage? Or is he the more insidious redneck–the wife beating so-called Evangelical who votes against his own interest? The hillbilly, in fact, is a land of contrasts, as seen by authentic son of
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Law & Ordocki Season 5 #3 (#37): Quarantine? They Should Call It Roundtine

There comes a point in chronicling the inanity of Law & Order: SVU that you wonder why bother doing it. Clearly Dick Wolf has a pact with Satan to keep it on the air. The writers aren’t going to stumble upon these and go “no, he’s right! We ARE hacks!”. I already know I hate it. I
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Deliver The Profile Episode 176: Dinner at Kang’s

Well, it finally happened: another show on the Korean version of Criminal Minds. Ronnie and Jazz poorly pronounce all sorts of names in Episode 3 of the 20 episode season, the Korean take on the Reaper saga. You’ll notice the hosts have yet to cover the AMERICAN Reaper saga. Oops.


Deliver The Profile Episode 175: The Itchy & Scratchy Show

In “The Itch”, a crazy guy thinks bugs are crawling under his skin. Cool, he’s done drugs. This is the basis of an ENTIRE EPISODE of Criminal Minds, a Season 10 misfire that punches down on the fake disease afflicted. Ronnie explains members of the New Warriors to Jazz, they debate the existence of “silver
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Law & Ordocki Season 5 #2 (#36): Redneck Cooked

This is the 480th episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. Jesus Christ. I could review one of these a day and after a year I’d still have more left. It’s insane that this of all shows is fourth in terms of most episodes for a primetime scripted series, behind The Simpsons, Gunsmoke and Lassie. I’m
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Deliver The Profile Episode 174: X Marks the Spot

Because Ronnie is lazy, it’s another Season 10 episode! This one, “X”, is the premiere, and so we are introduced to Jennifer Love Hewitt of Ghost Whisperer fame. Will she distinguish herself from her colleagues or just be absorbed into the blob of bad dialogue and stiff characterization? I think you know the answer already.


The New Mutants: A Very Long Engagement

It’s evident that the behind the scenes of New Mutants is more fascinating than the film itself. How could it not be? Shot in 1993, New Mutants was delayed for a number of reasons–the Disney acquisition of FOX, the WTO protests, a goat ate one of the film reels, a desire to reshoot it into something ‘not
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Law & Ordocki Season 5 #1 (#35): Benson Like Me

Well, it’s the 22nd season of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, and a lot has happened since the 21st ended. Approximately 463 black people were murdered by the police and a pandemic shut down the country, except the times and places it didn’t and people just got sick and died thanks to excessive amounts of freedom.
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