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Law & Ordocki Season 3 #1 (#20): Another Fucking Year Of This Shit

Wow, it’s really been over a year since I last wrote about this? Jesus. Well, uh, expect a slightly more regular schedule from now on… then again, it’s like it can get worse, right? The eras of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit can be broadly delineated into three: the golden era (Seasons 1-6), in
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Deliver The Profile Episode 73: Zart

In the Deliver The Profile episode covering Criminal Minds’ penultimate Season 10 episode, “Protection”, Ronnie reviews the bootleg Night Man DVD set he bought at a comic book convention, the hosts give each other space names, and a piece of trivia leads to what Ronnie calls “the single most hilarious death I’ve ever read about”.
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Deliver The Profile Episode 72: Thomas Gibson in: “Shinkicker”

“Broken Mirror” is an early episode of Criminal Minds, and it might be the best episode of the show? It definitely isn’t the best episode of the podcast – there’s some audio issues and Ronnie is even lower energy than usual. But if you make it through the thing you’ll get to hear about identical
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Deliver The Profile Episode 71: Gods of Combutt

This episode of Deliver The Profile, covering Season 8’s “The Wheels on the Bus” has it all: discussions about video games, bad Nicholas Brendon impressions (are there any other kind?), ruminations on “the drinking days”, complaining about the Milwaukee Brewers and a CRAZY FAN THEORY that definitely should become true. Come on, it’s Criminal Minds
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Deliver The Profile Episode 70: Freedom Legs

Ronnie and Jazz barely talk about the Beyond Borders episode “The Lonely Heart” because there’s really not that much to talk about. Instead they review Walter Hill’s The Assignment, discuss the implications of the planet of the apes and resolve to not cover another episode of Beyond Borders for a while.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 69: Behind Jerry Orbach’s Eyes

After a nearly month long hiatus, Deliver The Profile is back to talk about one of their favorite topics: Jerry Orbach’s eyes. That’s because the episode “Anonymous” is about a man trying to kill his way through the organ donor process. Meanwhile, Rossi’s Vietnam buddy dies and we all pretend to be sad. Jazz’s taste
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Deliver The Profile Episode 68: 68

Episode 200, folks! No, not of the podcast, but the show. Criminal Minds. It’s an extravagant affair that contains guest appearances, flashbacks and someone threatening to rape a main character. But that’s not all the boys discuss! There’s the creation of a PODCAST BEEF, an exploration into how Louis C.K.’s sex crimes could be mitigated,
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Deliver The Profile Episode 67: Cleveland Rocks!

Deliver the Profile is back to its regular schedule after a series of irritating delays. Returning to the Ballad of Joe Mantegna’s Vietnam Buddy, “The Road Home” is also about a homeless vigilante raising hell in Drew Carey’s Cleveland. Witness him gun down drug manufacturers, wife beaters, joggers and all the rest of society’s detritus.
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Deliver The Profile Episode 66: Vietnam Veterans Were Babies

A summary of the episode we watched for this edition of the podcast: “A trip among the homeless inspires Rossi to finish his dedication page”. Expect a LOT of jokes about the homeless. If you are homeless and are offended by this podcast, please write in and explain why you are able to listen to
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Deliver The Profile Episode 65: Mr. Ded

Jazz killed a woodchuck and that means everybody has to talk about an episode of Suspect Behavior, “Devotion”. Witness the first meeting between Sam Cooper and Penelope Garcia! Learn the importance of DC City Council races! Who has a secret family? Who DOESN’T want a secret family?

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 64: Chuck & Buck & Caleb & Harvey

Deliver The Profile heads to San Francisco with “True Genius”, which is either about a return of the Zodiac Killer, Reid’s career woes or a one-sided homosexual love affair. To be fair, any story set in San Francisco is usually one of those things. The hosts get into why the show bringing up a real
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Deliver The Profile Episode 63: Suspect the Behavior

It’s been a while since we headed into Spinoff City, population 2, and for good reason: they make vanilla Criminal Minds look good by comparison. Episode 5 of 2011’s disasterpiece Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior has the non-team team track down a bomber who suffered a horrible loss. Ronnie and Jazz cope with the horrible loss
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Deliver The Profile Episode 62: ADIDAL (All Day I Dream About Lillard)

Lillard fever grips the Deliver The Profile basement studio as the podcast talks about Season 8’s “The Apprenticeship”! Why does a mustache make Wing Commander actor Matthew Lillard so much creepier? Is it possible to set an episode in Florida that doesn’t devolve into Dexter references? Why the hell does Reid have to play on
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Deliver The Profile Episode 61: Shitty Episode, Bad Job!

We fucked up with this one, boys and girls. The episode about “The Perfect Storm” was recorded during a storm, and for some reason during some lightning strikes the equipment fucked up and we lost several minutes of audio. You’ll know it when the Deltron 3030 instrumental starts up. Rather than record a whole new
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Deliver The Profile Episode 60: My Dinner With Reid

In this episode of the podcast, it’s a battle of Reid’s and Aubrey Plaza’s wills as they have a dinner/hostage negotiation in the culmination of the Season 11 hitman storyline you never cared about in the first place. What’s Reid’s problem this time? Why can the writers never come up with a female motivation better
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Deliver The Profile Episode 59: Blood Swappin’

Ronnie and Jazz cover perhaps their favorite kind of Criminal Minds episode, the mad scientist episode with “Future Perfect” from Season 11. Someone in Florida is conducting medical experiments to keep the elderly alive and it involves blood swappin’, animal DNA and meeting coeds at cemeteries. It’s a great jumping off point for discussion which
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White Power: Saban’s Power Rangers

Not a dream! Not a hallucination! Not an imaginary story! Ronnie and Jazz went to the cinema and wound up wasting hours of their lives on Power Rangers, from the same people who brought you Big Bad Beetleborgs and Ninja Turtles: The New Mutation! Why is this Power Rangers without Power Rangers? Where’s the fat
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Deliver The Profile Episode 58: Dirtworld

On this dark and stormy night (of recording), Deliver The Profile goes back to Season 3 to tackle “Identity”! It’s got a killer who blows himself up in the opening credits, a copycat, an obstinate group of Montanans and manifesto torture videos so shocking it gets Garcia to finally shut the fuck up for once.
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Deliver The Profile Episode 57: The Evils of Marijuana

With Season 8’s “The Pact”, Ronnie argues that the world might as well end. The rest of the podcast isn’t that dark, but it’s still a joyless affair as the hosts try to decipher this tale of Kim Wayans and MacKenzie Phillips as vigilants intent on dragging the guilty until they’re skinless bags of guts
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Deliver The Profile Episode 56: The Sound of One Hand Killing

It’s the Seaspn 8 premiere, introduction to Prentiss replacement #1 and the series’ first season long arc unsub! But more importantly, we’ve got s disabled unsub, so it’s time to get woke and admit a deaf serial killer can do anything another serial killer can do, perhaps more. Sorry this description is so short and
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Deliver The Profile Episode 55: Eat Box

A black guy who looks like The Commish complains about his house being egged. A woman accuses Hotch and Jennifer Boobs Hewitt of not having children. An alcoholic Christian dad forbids his children from going trick or treating because it will make them fat. All these elements and more are included in Season 10’s “Boxed
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Deliver The Profile Episode 54: Don’t Breathe, Please, I Guess

Mwah! It’s the Valentine’s Day episode of Deliver The Profile and that means more women getting murdered for the sin of being women interested in sexual activity! We trek to the exotic location of Madison, Wisconsin to find low-risk women (not whores) dead from choking. Is it an unsub, a popular new “novel” or both?
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Deliver The Profile Episode 53: Two Days One Night

Those expecting a stellar episode may be disappointed because recording was derailed continually by Ronnie’s coughing. So much so the episode had to be stitched together from recording sessions that took place over two days. Be glad the episode is coherent as it is because it could’ve been a lot worse. The coughs could’ve stayed
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Deliver The Profile Episode 52: 1-800-SUICIDE

  The boys are finally back from holiday break and they start off with a doozy: it’s another Beyond Borders, “Whispering Death”! In Tokyo, Americans are killing themselves, and the team thinks it’s a serial killer, because only the Japanese love suicide. This episode bears that out and Ronnie and Jazz talk about all sorts
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Talkin’ ‘Bout Turtles 3: We Wish You Go To Hell

It’s the holiday season, and since the boys blew through all the Criminal Minds holiday episodes, that means it’s time to see how the Ninja Turtles were crowbarred into the season! Why would anyone want to watch the Turtles sing? Why is Leonardo a racist now? What the hell is Splinter? Also: your hosts open
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Deliver The Profile Episode 51: Episode 50

Listen as Ronnie and Jazz do their best to talk about anything other than Season 2’s “P911″! They talk crash test dummies, they talk Maury, they talk about a lot of issues that distract from the episode’s gross pedophilia. Who gives a fuck if Elle is back at work? Is this Katie Cole meant to
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Deliver The Profile Episode 50: Making Good Time

You’ve been waiting for it: Ronnie and Jazz talk shit about Martin Luther King Jr. Er, wait, no, start again. You’ve been waiting for it: Episode of 50 of Deliver The Profile! It’s a lavish affair; Jazz is drinking a beer and Ronnie is drinking tap water. “If The Shoe Fits” is about a woman
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Deliver The Profile Episode 49: Killing Anubis

It’s time to die, or more accurately time to do an episode of everyone’s least favorite spinoff, Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders! This one takes us to Egypt, and wouldn’t you know it, there are camels, pyramids and the Sphinx. And gays! “Denial” raises so many questions. Why the fuck are they assaulting viewers with an
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Deliver The Profile Episode 48: Utah Jazz

In an unfocused (to say the least) episode, Ronnie and Jazz mostly talk about sex but occasionally manage to discuss Season 7’s “A Family Affair”. The unsub is in a wheelchair, so he’s of course compared to our most well-known wheelchair celebrities. All this and more!

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 47: Bowling Ball!

On this episode of the podcast, Ronnie and Jazz talk about Season 3’s “Tabula Rasa”, a yarn about a serial killer who suffers from amnesia. It also contains flashbacks to when Morgan wore a suit to work and Reid was a premature irritating genius. Much is discussed, from the inanity of brain fingerprinting to how
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Deliver The Profile Episode 46: Trump Death Race

Deliver The Profile will never be the same, because all Trump references will now be preceded by either President-Elect or President. It’s a wonder the hosts haven’t killed themselves. Well, they have a job to do, and that’s to talk about the Season 11 premiere of Criminal Minds, “The Job”. There’s a new profiler, a
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Deliver The Profile Episode 45: Election Special

Election! Election! Election! You’re tired of hearing about it, but Deliver The Profile is adding to the overload by covering “Face to Face”, a Season 1 episode of Night Man! What’s Night Man? Why is the Criminal Minds podcast covering it? What does it have to do with the election? These are all important questions
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Deliver The Profile Episode 44: Oklahoma City Krang

It’s okay, we’ll get through another fucking Suspect Behavior episode (this one? the much promised snipe off, “One Shot Kill”). Tangents dominate more than usual, with a lot more discussion of Osmosis Jones than anyone ever asked for. Learn how military drafts soldiers, whether or not Harry Potter believes in vaccinations, and what the term
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Deliver The Profile Episode 43: The OC Disorder

Deliver the Profile is back to talk about the second ever episode of Criminal Minds, primarily to determine whether or not Gideon got shot after the pilot’s cliffhanger. Spoilers: he’s not. But there’s all sorts of things of importance and merit here, such as the introduction of JJ (she was ALWAYS superfluous), a Nine Inch
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Talkin’ ‘Bout Turtles 2: Don’t Trust Them New Turtles Over There

Hey, it’s Ronnie and Jazz doing something they actually like, and that’s Talkin’ ‘Bout Turtles. What made them resurrect the whenever-we-feel-like-it podcast? Well, partially because of the podcast’s 1st anniversary and partially because the Ninja Turtles/Power Rangers crossover really, really sucked. Why do the Turtles think the Power Rangers are fake but their archfoe isn’t?
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Law & Ordocki Season 2 #8 (#19): Monkeyboned

Animal rights is a good bedrock topic for Dick Wolf shows because it’s an issue that shows no signs of being resolved anytime soon, like environmentalism, civil rights, abortion and so on. Every one or two seasons you can do an episode on it. I’m of the opinion that animal rights deserve consideration; animals shouldn’t
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Deliver The Profile Episode 39: Thank You, Come Again

It’s Beyond Borders week at Deliver The Profile, and that means Ronnie and Jazz are depressed, disgusted and want to be anywhere but in the DTP basement bar. In this special totally intended to be released on 9/11 episode, everyone goes to Mumbai, California and Beyond Borders tackles another fear of white people who go
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Deliver The Profile Episode 38: “Let’s All Go For A Spin!”

It’s the special Labor Day episode of Deliver the Profile, which is not released on Labor Day, which doesn’t mention Labor Day, and doesn’t cover a Criminal Minds episode even tangentially related to Labor Day. What can you expect from a podcast that celebrates Halloween in April? Up to bat is “Fate”, wherein a woman
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Law & Ordocki Season 2 #7 (#18): Bojack Horse, Man

It’s unclear to me when, or even if, Law & Order became wacky. The subject matter became more charged and the serial numbers were less filed off and more “covered with scotch tape” for ripped from the headlines cases, but the wackiness and absurdity, the nonsensical plot twists, were always the province of Special Victims
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Deliver The Profile Episode 37: Sleepy Ronnie

Ronnie barely stays awake and he and Jazz discuss the boring hallucinatory episode “Mr. Scratch”! Could director Matthew Gray Gubler rip off The Grudge any more? How is the unsub so skilled? Why the fuck is Jennifer Love Hewitt on the show, and why aren’t her breasts prominent supporting characters? All this and what stupid
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Deliver The Profile Episode 36: 8mm

It’s business as UNUSUAL when Ronnie and Jazz, now in their new studio, devote an entire episode to the Hotchtroversy/Kickmageddon. Thomas Gibson (Dharma & Greg, The Terminator) has been fired! Who will give orders and dress down black men now? The boys trace Gibson’s problems on and off set over the years as well as
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Deliver The Profile Episode 34: A Newt For Ash Wednesday

It’s the end of an era as Ronnie and Jazz say goodbye to the show…’s recording studio. Surrounded by boxes and bereft of dishes and silverware, the pair nonetheless spend over an hour discussing Dean Cain in “Snake Eyes”! He’s a gambling man whose luck correlates to him killing people. Is this story based on
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Deliver The Profile Episode 33: Joseph Gerbils

Ronnie and Jazz talk about Season 5’s “Public Enemy” which has nothing to do with the groundbreaking rap group of same name. Or does it? No, no, it doesn’t. Set in Providence, Rhode Island, California, the team must find an unsub who’s killing people at historic and important locations in the community. You know, like
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Deliver The Profile Episode 32: Rammspieler

Ronnie and Jazz welcome friend and collaborator John F. Rammspieler to the studio as they discuss Season 4’s “Brother in Arms”! John has never seen Criminal Minds before, so the seasoned veterans pick his brain to see what he thinks of things that have now become commonplace to them. This is also DTP’s Salute The
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Deliver The Profile Episode 31: Mackalope

Ronnie and Jazz go old school with Season 1’s “Plain Sight”! It’s about a rapist who glues women’s eyes open, so of course it’s a lighthearted jaunt. Will the hosts remember the brunette lady’s name? Why, four episodes into the series run, did Criminal Minds decide to do a birthday episode? At least San Diego
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Deliver The Profile Episode 30: Nicholas Brendon’s Tattoo

Joe Mantegna catches Nicholas Brendon coming out of the shower. That’s really the only description this podcast about the episode needs.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 29: Thai Sabretooth

Jazz is drinking, Ronnie isn’t, Jazz is angry, Ronnie is subdued. It’s not Bizarro Day, it’s the boys’ first effort at reviewing Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders! The pilot, “The Harmful One”, takes the IRT (who cares what it stands for) to Thailand, and it’s a race to see who’s more ignorant about the locale, the
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Deliver The Profile Episode 28: Slumber Behavior

[yawn] Sorry, but if you saw “See No Evil”, the third episode of Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior, you’d understand. In a much shorter episode than usual, Ronnie and Jazz try to talk about anything other than the episode. They discuss the latest casting news for Criminal Minds Season 12, how to ruin David Caruso’s life
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Talkin’ ‘Bout Turtles 1: Out of the Closet

In the inaugural episode of the whenever-they-feel-like-it spinoff podcast to Deliver The Profile, Talkin’ ‘Bout Turtles, Ronnie and Jazz are reeling from the experience of spending money to see TMNT 2: Out of the Shadows. Why the fuck is the Falcon a thing? Does Michelangelo really need to be of sub-normal intelligence? Is this for
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Deliver The Profile Episode 27: The Meat Pimp

Jazz is back after a lengthy contractual dispute and it’s business as usual as Deliver The Profile tackles the prank phone call episode “The Caller”! This unsub abducts children and then harasses you on the phone about it, which proves our point: don’t have children and you’ll be fine. What’s up with the kid in
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