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Deliver The Profile Episode 125: Porpoising

Well, it’s finally happened: Criminal Minds does 9/11. Mind you, they don’t actually take on that case, as 9/11 was allegedly already solved years ago. A plane crashes and it reminds everyone of 9/11, especially Jennifer Love Hewitt, who lost family in the attacks. “A Thousand Suns” is a real shitshow with multiple red herrings,
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Deliver The Profile Episode 124: The Boogerman

Say goodbye to Elle, the brunette we barely knew and didn’t really care about. She makes her exit in “The Boogeyman”, which is otherwise about a short staffed team pursuing a child murderer. Who could it be? Like all Criminal Minds mysteries, it’s not that hard to figure out. This episode features early performances by
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Deliver The Profile Episode 123: Criminal Minds: SVU

Suspect Behavior has finally ended, so Ronnie and Jazz are back to their traditional beat of Criminal Minds Classic. Yet this is a departure of an episode in that the unsub isn’t a serial killer at all–he’s a RAPIST. Did the boys watch an episode of SVU by mistake? No, unfortunately. “Aftermath” is the beginning
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Law & Order Season 3 #8 (#31): Who Munches The Munchmen?

Superheroes! Who doesn’t love them? Well, me, after they got so ubiquitous I couldn’t fucking ignore them anymore. Still, I have multiple bookshelves of comic book trades, owning way more Namor storylines than anyone has any business owning. I thought to ‘celebrate’ the release of the 47th Marvel Cinematic Universe movie-film, Avengers: Chunnel by covering the infamous
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Deliver The Profile Minisode 1: Wrapping Up Suspect Behavior

What’s this? It’s the first EVER Deliver The Profile minisode! What is a minisode? Well, it’s when the boys record something that’s under an hour. Minisode #1 is their final word on Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior. Ronnie and Jazz go through why the show doesn’t work, its shitty characters and rank the episodes from least
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Deliver The Profile Episode 122: Free Sex

Throw away the DVD set and hang up your Forest Whitaker pennant because Suspect Behavior is over – for good! For the season/series finale, Ronnie and Jazz (well, Ronnie) do the unthinkable: listen to the commentary track. What insights do the cast and crew have to offer? What insights do the hosts have? “Death by
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Deliver The Profile Episode 121: The Taxidermy Episode

While “The Girl in the Blue Mask” is more a riff on Eyes Without A Face, Ronnie and Jazz still spend most of the podcast’s run time discussing taxidermy, what makes an acceptable ‘subject’ and how dermheads are persecuted by normals in our society. Suspect Behavior is almost over, folks, don’t worry. This week also
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Deliver The Profile Episode 120: Schiff Fit

Still Suspect Behavin’, still struggling. “Strays” places Richard Schiff’s FBI director front and center when he uses the red cell to track down his goddaughter. This is a lot like Taken, only instead of Liam Neeson it’s a half dozen morons and instead of a luxurious villain hangout the sex slavery auction takes place in
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Law & Ordocki Season 3 #7 (#30): Aunt Maylevolent

What makes a good episode of Law & Order: SVU? What makes a “good” episode of Law & Order: SVU? If this column has an aim to accomplish anything it’s to answer those two questions. In the midst of its 20th season and after 454 episodes (and 1 cancelled on account of Trump) it should be
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Deliver The Profile Episode 119: A Talking District Attorney!?!

Blame Jazz. He’s the one who wanted the Suspect Behavior episodes off his hard drive, so for the next four weeks Deliver The Profile is putting the finishing touches on the beleaguered Forest Whitaker-centric spinoff. Things don’t get off to a good start as “The Time Is Now”, despite featuring A Talking Cat!?! star Eric
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Law & Ordocki Season 3 #6 (#29): Mystery Meat

April Fools! I did it! I fooled ya. I did it. You thought it was going to be, like every other week or month or whatever the schedule is, me blathering on about Law & Order for 2000 or so words. Instead, because it is a holiday dedicated to momentarily lying to people and then confessing to
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Talkin’ ‘Bout Turtles 4: Despise the Rise of the TMNT

There’s a new Ninja Turtles cartoon in town and that means Ronnie and Jazz are going to complain about it! For this April Fool’s holiday enjoy a podcast – recorded months ago and unearthed today – about Nickelodeon’s latest shitty permutation of Eastman and Laird’s cash cow. What differentiates this from the last one? Where’s
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Deliver The Profile Episode 118: Zugzwang III: The Final Zugzwang

You’d think an episode that ends in murder-suicide would be attention grabbing and entertaining. Well, you’d be wrong, as Ronnie and Jazz find out in their examination of Season 8’s “Zugzwang”. The culmination of the Reid’s secret girlfriend subplot, “Zugzwang” manages to combine a mystery and petulance to create something starring the one Nickelodeon star
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Deliver The Profile Episode 117: Beecher? Hardly Know ‘Er!

Oz was such a good show, guys. Criminal Minds isn’t, but they try to attach themselves to the prestige of Oz by casting Lee Tergesen as the unsub in “Retaliation”, Season 5’s effort at changing things up a little. It doesn’t work. What does work? Prentiss is in a car crash. Kids have to interact
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Deliver The Profile Episode 116: Spring Break! Part 2

It’s “The Fisher King Part 2″ and questions are answered, like who is the Fisher King, does Elle survive getting shot, why the hell was the guy sending all that stuff to the team anyway and who does he have locked up in his dungeon basement. But that’s not all. Ronnie watched the Season 14
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Law & Ordocki Season 3 #5 (#28): My So-Called Crotch Wound

I want to first say I have nothing against polyamory. If that’s your thing, fine. I’m pretty pro-monogamy but I don’t begrudge anyone seeking an alternate form of intimate relations as long as it isn’t harming anyone. I open the article with this because “Bombshell”, the episode of Law & Order: SVU that I’m covering for
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Deliver The Profile Episode 115: Spring Break! Part 1

Yes, this episode is fashionably late. That’s because Ronnie’s laptop died, he got it back, and then it promptly died again after a few days. But don’t let that get you down, because we’ve got a good one for you. It covers the Criminal Minds 1st season finale, “The Fisher King: Part 1″! Who is
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Deliver The Profile Episode 114: Sock Juice

It’s Jazz’s birthday! Well, it was, when we were recording this. As such, the top of the episode contains a review of the hosts’ field trip to see M. Night Shyamalan’s Glass. It sucked and yet was infinitely better than the podcast’s first foray into Season 12, a season so bad it made people miss
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Law & Ordocki Season 3 #4 (#27): A Chip In The Old Shoulder

This article is tough to write because, well, I already wrote it. I had my take on the SVU episode “Choreographed” almost complete when OpenOffice decided to turn it into unreadable gibberish. (Well, turn it from unreadable gibberish into literal unreadable gibberish.) There’s little desire to try to recreate what was lost from half-formed memories; in all
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Deliver The Profile Episode 113: Bad Blood

We travel back to Season 1 of Criminal Minds with “Blood Hungry”! Just because Ronnie and Jazz are both fighting coughs doesn’t mean they cannot talk to you about Doug Jones, Mandy Patinkin treating Garcia like shit, small towns and how to interrogate crazy people. Also, remember to call your kids, okay? It’s important.

 

Law & Ordocki Season 3 #3 (#26): Oedipus Sex

One of the things you have to understand is I’m bad at my job. When Margot Kidder passed away, I thought to myself “I should honor her by making fun of the time she played the mother of a serial killer in Law & Order: SVU”. She died in May; it’s now January of the
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Deliver The Profile Episode 112: The End…?

Criminal Minds is DEAD. D-E-A-D! After next season’s shortened Season 15 it will be banished to the land of wind and ghosts. Fittingly, Ronnie and Jazz break from format of “talk about a specific episode” to cover everything related to this bombshell, such as what prompted the final renewal, what we can expect from the
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Deliver The Profile Episode 111: Disco Inferno

2019 is off to a great start, by which we mean a start, with “House on Fire”, an episode that at least changes up the pace some. Instead of killing by knife or gun or increasingly improbable specialized Rube Goldberg device, the unsub starts fires, seals exits and has people burn to death. This one
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Deliver The Profile Episode 110: Hot Enough For Ya?

In what may be the dumbest episode of Criminal Minds we’ve yet covered, “A Thousand Words” is about a guy who calls in a suicide…his own! He turns out to be a serial killer with crappy full body tattoos that are key to solving the case. Dean Norris guest stars. The hosts feel the real
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A History of Stupid Black Manta Origins

Well, it finally happened: Aquaman has achieved something resembling legitimacy. The James Wan directed 2018 picture opened to warm reviews and excellent box office receipts and will certainly shape perception of the character for years to come. No longer will he be the orange shirted douchebag who talks to fish and is conspicuously useless among
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Deliver The Profile Episode 109: The Human Lie Detector

Back to basics as Deliver The Profile delves into “Magnificent Light”, an episode about a self-help guy who probably causes more damage to the world than the serial killer who’s obsessed with him. If that’s not enough, the killer is one of those people who can naturally produce LSD, so he can see words! Witness
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Deliver The Profile Episode 108: A Suspect Decision

That title means what you think it means: another Suspect Behavior episode. “Smother” has neither Smothers brother in it and instead has missing moms, inappropriate moms, breastbiting, video game playing, phone eavesdropping and vigils that shouldn’t happen. The hosts are feeling good because it’s the first time recording since SCOTT WALKER LOST RE-ELECTION. Celebrate good
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Deliver The Profile Episode 107: Zzz…

Wouldn’t you rather be sleeping? That certainly is the case with “Awake”, a Season 11 yawner about a man who’s searching for his daughter and will prevent people who may know something from sleeping. This is thematically rich territory because J.J., fresh off maternity leave, is ALSO sleep-deprived. A J.J. episode. WONDERFUL. Be sure to
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Law & Ordocki Season 3 #2 (#25): Pre-9/11 Tension

I thought that for the momentous 25th occasion of Law & Ordocki I ought to go back to the beginning with SVU: its inaugural season. A simpler time for the show and a simpler time for America. It was before 9/11 for fuck’s sake. This particular episode, “Chat Room”, aired on April 14th, 2000. Back then,
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Deliver The Profile Episode 106: #KillTheShow

Episode 106 represents a turning point for the podcast. The hosts’ bemusement at the CBS procedural’s continuance into its third presidential administration has turned to outright disdain following an explosive piece in Variety about the show’s longtime director of photography being a known nutgrabber. (LISTENERS OF A SENSITIVE DISPOSITION: consider skipping the first 40 minutes
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Deliver The Profile Episode 105: Frightmare on Whatever Street

This was recorded right before a Brewers playoff game, so if things seem rushed and haphazard then that is the culprit. This week Ronnie and Jazz anxiously eye the clock while discussing “Heathridge Manor”, which for Deliver The Profile and Criminal Minds may as well be the Halloween show for the year, despite it being
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Deliver The Profile Episode 104: Robbies, Burgies, Stealies, and Thefties

Business as UNUSUAL at Deliver The Profile headquarters with this episode, since “Psychodrama” contains elements that are a relative rarity. It has the original cast (that means Jason Gideon and Elle What’s Her Name) and the unsub commits robbery and sexual assault, two things that are not too often seen on Criminal Minds. The unsub
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Deliver The Profile Episode 103: Let’s Go Plane Time Soon

It’s a truth self-evident that ride sharing services such as Uber and Lyft exist only to rape and kill. (And that’s just what they do to their employees/independent contractors/jail cover! Womp womp.) Criminal Minds puts that into practice with “Drive”, a Season 11 yawner in which a driver is killing people. Or is he merely
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Law & Ordocki Season 3 #1 (#24): Go Ahead, Call It A Comeback

The absurdity of the present political moment has resulted in a former deputy assistant attorney general postulating that a woman was sexually assaulted not by a man currently under consideration to the Supreme Court but a close facsimile, a doppelganger. I know the last few years have raised the bar for stupid shit, but Jesus
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Deliver The Profile Episode 102: Jamie Kennedy Returns

The Brewers lost to the fucking Dodgers and life is meaningless. But you don’t care about that, do you? You care about the new episode of DELIVER THE PROFILE! This time it’s an entry into uncharted waters: Season 13! Who are all these new people? Why did Paget Brewster get replaced by a pod person?
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Deliver The Profile Episode 101: Home Improvement

It’s back to normal for Deliver The Profile, as Ronnie and Jazz discuss “Closing Time”, a boring episode of vanilla CM that doesn’t even have the courtesy to use either the Semisonic song or even the instrumental off Tom Waits’ album of same name. Boring normalcy is the point, though, as “Closing Time” is a
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Deliver The Profile Episode 100: Juking

Here it is! After nearly three years, Deliver The Profile (your ONLY Criminal Minds podcast) hits 100 episodes! Except we also did episodes that didn’t count in the official numbering. Forget those! It’s NUMBER ONE HUNDRED, BABY! We’re hoping the milestone distracts from the fact that it’s an episode of the Jack Garrett Imperialism Power
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Deliver The Profile Episode 99: Penultimate Pessimism

It’s a sign that this episode of Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior isn’t very interesting (besides it BEING an episode of Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior) when Ronnie spends a good portion of the 80 minutes just recapping movies he’s seen recently, such as Bringing Down the House and Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. “Nighthawk” is about a
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Deliver the Profile Episode 98: Finally

Think of this as saving the best for last: “It Takes A Village”, the finale to the Doyle saga, premiered in the fall much like this episode of Deliver the Profile. Ronnie and Jazz discuss cast changes, the stupid retcons to Prentiss’ backstory, the sense of anti-climax and how the BAU is seriously corrupt. Feel
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Deliver The Profile Episode 97: Secret Son

Penultimate Prentisspalooza is a momentous one, as Paget Brewster leaves the show for the first (but not the last) time! It all comes down to this…and it’s pretty disappointing, just a lot of a woman being tortured and, indeed, a SECRET SON introduced within the last 15 minutes of the episode. Ronnie and Jazz discuss
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Deliver The Profile Episode 96: Lucky Charms

Part 7 of Prentisspalooza comin’ at ya! Yes, it’s been almost a month since a new episode. No, there’s no compelling argument for why it took this long to come out. The dog days of summer, everyone. Anyway, “Valhalla” kicks the Irish subplot into…gear…as Prentiss archenemy Doyle finally does things besides enter and exit modes
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Deliver The Profile Episode 95: Season 6 is REALLY DUMB

There’s no two ways about it: Season 6 is godawful. “Coda” is in the running for the worst episode of the series, and that’s not just because the crux of it involves Reid bonding with an autistic boy in order to solve the case. Ronnie and Jazz make the most of it by analyzing the
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Deliver The Profile Episode 94: Heil Lyle!

Sorry for the delay, but hopefully this episode being over 2 hours long will make up for it! In “Today I Do”, the profilers must find a self-help devotee who goes too far in helping wayward women, while Ronnie and Jazz discover the greatest character since the Meat Pimp, Lyle. Meanwhile, the Prentiss storyline slowly
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Deliver The Profile Episode 93: Jane D’oh!

It’s that time again: Suspect Behavior week! Prentisspalooza is taking a break in favor of nobody’s favorite 2011 spinoff starring an Oscar winner and the chick from Reality Bites. In “Jane”, a man who looks a lot like another podcast’s host, commits heinous bodily mutilation while the Red Cell squad team group try to figure
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Deliver The Profile Episode 92: Stink Driver

Have you ever wondered what would happen if Travis Bickle participated in the plot of Perfume? Wonder no more, for “Sense Memory” provides a reasonable approximation. Prentisspalooza rolls on as Prentiss is curious about her apartment’s security, we meet an important side character, and we’re subject to an incomprehensible flashback. Meanwhile, Ronnie managed to cut
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Deliver The Profile Episode 91: Naturally Drunk Killers

What better way to kick off Prentiss’ interminable Irish storyline than an episode about alcoholic spree killers? “The Thirteenth Step” is widely considered one of the series’ worst…by fans of Criminal Minds, so that translates to it not being that bad. Ray Donovan (not Liev Schreiber) and the girl from the Wonder Woman pilot are
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Deliver The Profile Episode 90: Gideon and Prentiss Go To Guantanamo Bay

Reid also goes, but including him would impede the catchiness of the title. In an odd turn for Criminal Minds, “Lessons Learned” is about the BAU trying to thwart a terrorist attack, because apparently their purview consists of ‘all crimes’. Prentiss must prove her mettle to stand shoulder to shoulder with the big boys, and
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Deliver The Profile Episode 89: Paget Brewster Needs A Better Agent

Morgan Madness is OVER, say hello to Prentisspalooza! For the next few months, Deliver The Profile will be delving into the most beloved of Criminal Minds’ dark haired ladies, beginning with her debut episode, “The Last Word”! It just so happens she does nothing in it, only appearing in the first and last scene. But
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Deliver The Profile Episode 88: The Nicholas Brendon Innocence Project

It’s April Fools Easter, so that means Jesus is still dead and loving it. Nobody’s moving that rock. That also means Deliver The Profile goes off format – a week after also going off format – with a 2 hour long plus dissection of Nicholas Brendon’s masterpiece of filmmaking, Pinata Survival Island, aka Demon Island,
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Deliver The Profile Episode 87: SWATliver The Profile: Worth The Wait?

Thank the maker, for Morgan Madness has finally ended! After more than a month away, Deliver The Profile gives the fans what it wants: a podcast not about Criminal Minds. Yes, Ronnie and Jazz delve into the first episode of Shemar Moore’s new show, S.W.A.T., the third and it’s safe to say dumbest attempt to
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