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Deliver The Profile Episode 159: Poison Control

This episode is a fucking trainwreck. Ronnie’s high on Valium, “Poison” is boring dross, and the boys spend most of their time on tangents like what the Holy Trinity is and the efficacy of dick pills. “Poison” is about some guy dosing random people with LSD. Groovy, man? No, not groovy. Maybe they should’ve actually
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Spider-Man Meets Jay Leno in “The Late Shit”

Like all good Americans, I have an unhealthy fascination (obsession, perhaps) with former Tonight Show host and all-around funnyman James Douglas Muir “Jay” Leno. He stands for everything I don’t: denim, classic cars, Cool Ranch Doritos, being Italian. How exactly did he become a mainstay of American popular culture for decades despite not being funny or
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Deliver The Profile Episode 158: Californiamplification

We’re baaaack! That’s right, the only Criminal Minds podcast has returned to making new content and there’s a lot of news to talk about: the Criminal Minds lawsuit, S.W.A.T. promising to not suck as much, Elmer Fudd losing his gun. There’s also the matter of the episode “Amplification”, about an anthrax outbreak that results from
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There’s No Ultimatum In Ultimatum

It’s tough to create and maintain a superhero universe. That’s why there are only two successful long running examples, and even then counting DC as a success is being generous. Marvel’s Ultimate imprint had its heyday and did a lot of good. It revitalized moribund characters for the 21st century, influenced feature films and launched the
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Deliver The Profile: Venom Special

Yes, we’re back! Well, not really, because this show is actually from March but has been held back as the show went on an unintended hiatus due to COVID-19. Movie month(s) wraps up with a look at 2018’s surprise tentacle hit, Venom! Who is Tom Hardy trying to impersonate? Why is the movie PG-13? Is
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Law & Ordocki Season 4 #3 (#34): Stuckey On Me

Remember last time out when I said CSU tech Dale Stuckey would become a serial killer? That’s this episode. I see no reason in hiding the twist; it’s one of the best attributes of the hour. Anybody familiar with SVU will invariably describe “Zebras” as “the one where the lab guy goes crazy”. This is the
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Iron Man: Leaving Las Vegas

I thought for my latest entry into my Untitled Comic Book Column I should continue with my theme of celebrities thoughtlessly shitting out comics, so here’s Iron Man: Viva Las Vegas by Jon Favreau (Chef) and Adi Granov. Again, this has all the makings of a classic Hollywood comic. Favreau was fresh off the surprise sensation
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Deliver The Profile: TMNT 2014 Special

Movie month-or-so continues as Ronnie and Jazz cover one of their most hated movies ever: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from 2014, the Platinum Dunes/Michael Bay one. The hideous monstrosity Turtles. Gone are the adorable animatronic suits and in their place are 7 foot tall behemoths made of CGI. Why does everybody want to fuck April
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Deliver The Profile: Brahms: The Boy 2 Special

Deliver The Profile’s month of movies rolls on as Ronnie and Jazz make another excursion to the multiplex with Brahms: The Boy II. (Don’t worry, this was recorded back when “going to the multiplex” was a fun, plausible activity.) The Boy is an ironic favorite of the boys, so can the sequel live up to
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Avengers Vol. 3 #71: “Real Sicko. Perverts Only.”

No matter what you think of the quality of his work (especially the recent stuff), Geoff Johns is a bonafide comics superstar. He reinvented Green Lantern, had a long successful run on The Flash, returned the Justice Society of America and Hawkman to prominence, and shit all over his legacy with whatever the hell Doomsday
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Deliver The Profile: Sonic the Hedgehog Special

Deliver The Profile goes to the movies in this first week of avoiding Criminal Minds. We begin with SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, the smash hit that is at least the best movie about James Marsden in a car talking to a CGI monstrosity. Who is this for? Who wanted this? Why isn’t there any shout outs
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The Abrams’ Spider-Man: At Least There’s No Lens Flare?

When I first got into reading comics on an addictive level, some 16-17 years ago, celebrity authors were a novelty. There were not many of them and when they deigned to write for Marvel or DC it was a seismic event. Kevin Smith’s Daredevil launched the Marvel Knights imprint; Judd Winick went from “that guy from
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Deliver The Profile Episode 157: The High End Of Low

Everything’s fucked. Criminal Minds is over, COVID-19 has turned into a pandemic, there’s no baseball for anyone. Sorry for the delay in episode, but the world has literally gone to shit. Fear not! The DTP boys are here to help with your pandemic woes with a nearly 3 HOUR EPISODE covering the final two shows
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Deliver The Profile Episode 156: Lay Down Your Goddamn Arms

Ronnie and Jazz discuss “Family Tree”, which is definitely an episode of Criminal Minds.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 155: Unkillable Monster

Criminal Minds would be an unkillable monster if it were not guaranteed to be ending this month. It certainly feels that way, as we’re dealt another double header. In “Date Night”, Cat Adams (meow!) returns to bedevil Reid, whereas “Rusty” is about a guy in a goat costume telling a dude to decapitate people. It’s
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Deliver The Profile Episode 154: King Kill 33º

Ronnie and Jazz recorded this during “The Big Game”, the sporting event they’re not allowed to actually name. Watching that would’ve been preferable to seeing “Ghost”, the halfway point for this final season of Criminal Minds and a story about a nobody copycatting a classic unsub in order to kidnap two FBI agents who don’t
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Deliver The Profile Episode 153: Breaking The Same Old Ground

Ronnie and Jazz really didn’t care for this one, despite the fact that it was a change of pace, despite the fact that Paul F. Tompkins was in it. “Saturday” is the BAU’s Saturday, in which the characters are not on a case and instead go about their stupid personal lives. Reid meets a girl!
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Deliver The Profile Episode 152: Ka-Boom Ka-Boom

What the hell is “Spectator Slowing”? It’s the newest Criminal Minds, but the phrase is nonsense. We thought it was “Spectator SHOWING”, but it’s not. Anyway, the BAU must stop a mad bomber who sends people photos of their own home along with the bomb. Also, Simmons is at home taking care of his shitty
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Deliver The Profile Episode 151: New Model No. 15

Well, we’ve come to it: Season 15. The end of the line. Ronnie and Jazz go long with the two-headed premiere of “Under the Skin” and “Awakenings”, which is variously about men’s chests, bad impersonations, lesbianism, unrequited love, face ripping and a terrible Iggy Pop cover. The hosts try to keep their sanity by discussing
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Deliver The Profile Minisode 2: Criminal Minds Talks The Talk

What’s this? A bonus? Yes, Virginia, there is a minisode of Deliver The Profile! In case you don’t remember, minisodes are episodes that are an hour or less that don’t cover a specific CM show. This time Ronnie and Jazz are assaulted by the catastrophic series of choices that is Criminal Minds going on THE
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Deliver The Profile Episode 150: Threats of Romance

Here it is, episode 150 of Deliver The Profile! What better way to celebrate this milestone than covering the risible Season 14 finale, “Truth or Dare”! Who the hell is this unsub actor and is he actually the worst thespian ever? Who the fuck wanted the possibility of a J.J./Reid romance? Spoilers, by the way:
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Deliver The Profile Episode 149: Mutilation Is the Most Sincere Form of Flattery

Close the book on 2019 with the final Deliver The Profile of the year! On this eve of New Year’s Ronnie and Jazz discuss a pivotal Season 14 episode, “Chameleon”! The unsub of the episode, The Chameleon, is promised to play a pivotal role in Criminal Minds’ final season (starting January 8th), so this is
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Law & Ordocki Season 4 #2 (#33): To Vax Or Not To Vax

Law & Order: SVU is a program of the moment; it’s meant to be as disposable as a tissue or an issue of a tabloid. When going back to an episode after many years the bulk is often indecipherable. What current event compelled the writer to pen this? What are they reacting to? What was the
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Deliver The Profile #148: Cake and Sodomy

Not a dream! Not a hallucination! Not an imaginary story! Reid goes to prison at the behest of being charged with murdering what looks to be a Mexican citizen and having a huge cache of drugs in his truck. Can the BAU bail him out and get him on a plane back to the States?
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Deliver The Profile Episode 147: I Don’t Like The Drugs (But The Drugs Like Me)

It’s a Tara Lewis episode. A Tara Lewis episode about her dealing with her ex-husband. No, don’t, please stick around. “Broken Wing” may be a total snore, but Ronnie and Jazz still have a few good bits. That’s all you can ask for, right?

 

Law & Ordocki Season 4 #1 (#32): Moore Is Less

I’m back! It feels like a lifetime ago that I would unearth an hour from the Law & Order universe and give it a thorough examination. I admit part of the reason it’s been so long is that I don’t actually watch SVU anymore. A shocking admission to be sure, but I have my reasons. Its
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Deliver The Profile Episode 146: King Crimson

Note: this Criminal Minds makes no use of King Crimson, why is it titled that? Well, in the SEASON 12 premiere the gang is hunting the Crimson King, freed from a coordinated serial killer jailbreak. Yeah, wait until we cover that episode to hear us bitch about that ridiculous plot twist. The episode serves as
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Deliver The Profile Episode 145: #releasetheteethcut

Deliver The Profile reaches the penultimate frontier: Season 14. What is this strange season and what does it contain? Why are the hosts doing this? Well, “Flesh and Blood” has a connection to an episode the podcast covered a few shows ago, which will become evident as you listen. (Hint: You’ll be good if you
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Deliver The Profile Episode 144: Bird Hour

Goodbye Gideon comes to a close as the characters truly say goodbye to the Mandy Patinkin portrayed persnickety bird obsessive. By this we mean he gets his face blown off by the most gruesome antagonist yet – The Birdman! That’s not all. Witness what was to be the second Criminal Minds spinoff: Young Rossi and
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Deliver The Profile Episode 143: Milwaukee

We’re going back. Back to Milwaukee. Yes, Ronnie and Jazz’s hometown, the Big Apple itself, makes its return to Criminal Minds in “In Flesh and Blood”. The penultimate episode of Goodbye Gideon, it’s the last appearance of Mandy Patinkin. He makes his 38 seconds of screentime count. Meanwhile, a man is ripping women’s hearts out,
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Deliver The Profile Episode 142: Thanks A Lot, Virginia Tech

Ronnie and Jazz discuss “Doubt”, the episode in which Gideon screws up and one of Elaine Benes’ boyfriends pays the price. “Doubt” was originally meant to be the Criminal Minds Season 2 finale but got bumped when it proved too similar to the Virginia Tech shooting. Remember when shootings were significant enough events to delay
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Deliver The Profile Episode 141: No Way Out II: The Evilution of Frank

The long awaited conclusion to the Frank saga is here, and it’s far from a good episode, much less the best one ever. Ronnie and Jazz cannot mask their disappointment that Carradine’s and Patinkin’s onscreen chemistry is reduced to a bunch of phone calls. The former kills the latter’s pseudo-girlfriend and the rest of the
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Deliver The Profile Episode 140: Best Episode Ever?

I’m tired of writing show descriptions that get deleted again and again so let’s get through this fast. “No Way Out”, perhaps the best Criminal Minds. It’s got everything, from Keith Carradine to milkshakes to missing kids to rib bones to people with the word ‘Crazy’ in there. Despite the podcast’s length, Ronnie and Jazz
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Deliver The Profile Episode 139: Clunk Wrent

Origins Month comes to a finish with “Charm & Harm”, an episode with suspicious similarities to the Season 14 episode “Chameleon”. Would Criminal Minds be so callow as to rip themselves off? This isn’t the venue to speculate, but yes. The serial killer drowns women and then switches his identity, from real estate guy to
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Deliver The Profile Episode 138: 21 Foot Rule

In this week’s podcast, Ronnie and Jazz discuss Season 1 ‘gem’ “The Tribe”, and we’re only being half-sarcastic with the gem appellation. This really is one of the best Criminal Minds hours. Why? John Blackwolf. He’s the Batman of Criminal Minds, at least according to Ronnie. As the profilers seek to solve some murders seemingly
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Deliver The Profile Episode 137: Going Off The Rails On The Unsub Express

Origins Month enters its second week as Ronnie and Jazz try to do anything but discuss “Derailed”, aka the train episode. More a hostage negotiation than an exciting adventure on the rails, “Derailed” is an attempt at an Elle episode that goes sideways when the writers realize they have nothing to say about a woman.
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Deliver The Profile Episode 136: The Who Is A British Rock And Roll Band

September means Deliver The Profile is doing Origins Month, aka a month of covering Season 1 of Criminal Minds. “Won’t Get Fooled Again” is the third ever episode of the series and it goes so far as to resolve the trauma that set up Mandy Patinkin’s character in the first place. We’re dealing with a
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Deliver The Profile Episode 135: Toshiro Garrett

For the finale of CHILDREN IN PERIL month, Ronnie and Jazz tackle Beyond Borders Season 1 finale “Paper Orphans”. Set in Haiti, the episode is about a couple keen on adopting a Haitian boy lose their biological child during the night. But the hosts spend most of their time on tangents regarding spinoffs, Jack Garrett’s
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Deliver The Profile Episode 134: Scenes from a Mall

We’ve got another kid in peril on our hands in “Seven Seconds”, a Season 3 episode from that weird period between Gideon’s departure and Rossi’s arrival. The entire thing takes place in a mall, basically, and that means one thing: arcade games! Because it’s 1994. It at least gives Ronnie the opportunity to talk about
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Deliver The Profile Episode 133: Gabby Gabby Hey

Kids In Peril Month rolls on as it’s time for Once Upon A Time…in Hollywood star Julia Butters to get kidnapped and for the BAU to learn an important lesson about disruption adoption. Or something. It’s Mississippi, Los Angeles and the unsub or unsubs belong more on Justified than on Criminal Minds, so take what
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Deliver The Profile Episode 132: A Talking Hell!?!

Ronnie and Jazz return to Season 1 as part of KIDS IN PERIL MONTH with “What Fresh Hell?”, an episode about, well, a kid in peril. Billie Copeland has been abducted by a guy with a van and a leash and nobody knows what to do, least of all her bickering parents. Can the BAU
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Deliver The Profile Episode 131: Hoach

In “Out of the Light”, Hotch becomes a youth soccer coach with Rossi as his assistant. It’s stupid but more valid than anything else that happens in the episode, which takes the gang to North Carolina and sees them delving into a case of missing and abducted women. Which creep is responsible this time, the
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Deliver The Profile Episode 130: Episode 150

The summer rolls on, the heat continues, everyone wants to die. But before dying, it’s time to discuss Criminal Minds! This time it’s the 150th episode in the original series, “Unknown Subject”. The sky is empty because the episode is full of stars, from Judith Hoag (the first April O’Neil, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) to
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Deliver The Profile Episode 129: The Joss Whedon Strangler

Many things are going on and the least interesting one is the episode under discussion, Beyond Borders’ “Citizens of the World”. Ronnie and Jazz also discuss Nicholas Brendon’s get rich sadly scheme, close the book on Babygate (we hope) and Ronnie tries to explain the plot of Mortal Engines to the bemused and hostile. As
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Deliver The Profile Episode 128: Reid Doesn’t What Johnny Depp Does

This episode is late, yes, but considering both hosts’ laptops are in various stages of death it is lucky there is an episode at all. “Somebody’s Watching” posits what if Amber Heard wanted to fuck Spencer Reid. Look, she married Johnny Depp, she clearly has some bad luck with men. (There will be no abuse
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Jessica Chastain played WHO in Dark Phoenix?

The X-Men film series has run an impressive 19 years without a hard reboot. To contrast, Spider-Man has rebooted twice in that time and so has Batman. It’s for this reason that X-Men remains something of a throwback to the old manner of adapting comic books to film. In the early 2000s it was conventional
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Deliver The Profile Episode 127: Sending Mike To Belize

Sorry for the lateness, but we have a big episode for you, one nearing two hours. There’s Criminal Minds news as the Season 15 episode titles appear to leak. There’s show news as the podcast gets into a feud with a baby. Then there’s the matter at hand, “Love Interrupted”, a Beyond Borders episode about
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Deliver The Profile Episode 126: A G-g-g-ghost?!?!?!

Well, it’s finally happened: Criminal Minds is flirting with the possibility that the unsub is a fucking ghost. It’s not, but what if it was? “The Angel Maker” spends about 20 minutes down that route. In the aftermath of Hotch losing his hearing, there’s almost nothing done with that. Look, there’s not a lot of
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Deliver The Profile Episode 125: Porpoising

Well, it’s finally happened: Criminal Minds does 9/11. Mind you, they don’t actually take on that case, as 9/11 was allegedly already solved years ago. A plane crashes and it reminds everyone of 9/11, especially Jennifer Love Hewitt, who lost family in the attacks. “A Thousand Suns” is a real shitshow with multiple red herrings,
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Deliver The Profile Episode 124: The Boogerman

Say goodbye to Elle, the brunette we barely knew and didn’t really care about. She makes her exit in “The Boogeyman”, which is otherwise about a short staffed team pursuing a child murderer. Who could it be? Like all Criminal Minds mysteries, it’s not that hard to figure out. This episode features early performances by
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