All articles by RonnieGardocki

 

Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Oedipus Wrecks”/”It’s A Small World After All”

Ronnie: I want to first begin by saying “Oedipus Wrecks” as a title has also been used on Wings and most recently Criminal Minds. So that’s the level of “clever” we’re dealing with here. Anyway, this episode closes the book on the Lois amnesia saga. Does it do so in an elegant fashion? Well, I
Continue reading…

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 253: La Brea

In this Tribute to The Shield episode, the boys welcome Ronnie Gardocki himself, David Rees Snell, to the show. Too bad he has a nothing role in a nothing episode (“Remembrance of Things Past”). Like, we’re talking Season 6 nothing. There’s so little to talk about the boys spend a digression on the NBC hit
Continue reading…

 

Law & Ordocki #50: The Beginning

Welcome to the 50th Law & Ordocki! Ever since September 8th 2014, this has been the only source for critical reviews of the Law & Order franchise generally and Law & Order: Special Victims Unit specifically. I know, I know, how did it take me so long to get here. The point is, I’m here
Continue reading…

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 252: Stathis Borans

This episode has it all: a digression about something President Trump said last year, a possibly good episode of Criminal Minds, and the guy who played Stathis Borans in The Fly and the quite possibly underrated The Fly II. There’s so much incident it unfortunately overshadows our Shield alum this week, Catherine Dent. And she’s
Continue reading…

 

Law & Ordocki #49: Welcome to SVU, Diane Neal! Hope You Survive The Experience!

Cast changes are usually tough, because you have to start writing a new voice. That’s of course if you’re competent; if you’re not competent and don’t give a shit you can write the new character like an old character and duck criticism by never going on Twitter. SVU tends to trend towards the latter, because
Continue reading…

 

Law & Ordocki #48: 7 Levels of Hell

Some episodes of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit are immediately infamous, such as the wildlife smuggling episode or the one where Robin Williams is the Riddler (article on that one forthcoming). Others become so retroactively, inadvertently. I would say “Trade” fits the bill, on the basis that its big guest star is disgraced actor
Continue reading…

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 251: With Special Guest Star Walton Goggins

In “Tribute to The Shield” month, the boys take a look at episodes of Criminal Minds that featured cast members of The Shield in them. First is Season 4’s “Demonology”, in which a blast from Prentiss’ past threatens to push the show into Touched by an Angel territory. Also starring: James Remar! It’s a lot
Continue reading…

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 250: Ryan Bacon

Fresh off the victory lap that was completing Season 16/Evolution of Criminal Minds, Ronnie and Jazz use the momentous Episode 250 to discuss another serial killer thriller: FOX’s 2013 magical mystery tour THE FOLLOWING. Starring Kevin Bacon and James Purefoy, THE FOLLOWING is about a drunk FBI agent trying in vain to stop a shitty
Continue reading…

 

Law & Ordocki #47: Goodbye Blue Munchday

Over the past week Richard Belzer passed away. Best known for his character John Munch on Homicide: Life on the Street and Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, he was also a prolific stand-up comedian and appeared in films such as Scarface and The Wrong Guys (both equally renowned). While I never met the man,
Continue reading…

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 249: Over

It’s over. Criminal Minds Season 16 is over, the manhunt for Sicarius is over, Doug Baby is over, it’s all over until they start shooting again and we must begin contemplating Season 17. “Dead End” boasts a number of highlights, from apparitions to Josh Stewart having to deliver expository dialogue like a person. Of all
Continue reading…

 

Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Seconds”/”Forget Me Not”

Chris: No time for a clever opening this week on Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie cats and kittens! Today we’re looking at the conclusion of the “Lois and Clark Get Married but Actually No” trilogy, and as that’s L&C’s first three parter, it’s also L&C&C&R’s first time we couldn’t cover a whole plotline
Continue reading…

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 248: $549 Worth of Duct Tape

The penultimate episode has occurred, and it’s just as disappointing as you might expect. Rossi interviews Sicarius’ wife! Rossi interviews Sicarius himself! Flashbacks galore! Ronnie is overcoming sickness and may possibly be fucked up from DayQuil. Who knows! Who cares. The important part is this season is blessedly almost over, and there’s no tension because
Continue reading…

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 247: Hang Man

In Episode 8 of Evolution, Sicarius kidnaps a woman from SECOND Street and later pawns her off to sensational character find of 2023, Hang Man. In other news, Shemar Moore is a father, JJ’s kids are hideous monsters, Garcia is in a better mood now that she’s gotten laid, and Rossi takes a Pacific Northwest
Continue reading…

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 246: Adventures in Babysitting

It’s what you’ve been waiting for: a Deputy Director Baby spotlight episode. In a completely unnecessary sidequest, the team heads to West Virginia to stop a religious-themed injustice collector with a problem with opioid users and abusers. Hey, opioid crisis, eh? That’s in the news, isn’t it? Meanwhile, Lewis looks at her phone a lot
Continue reading…

 

Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “I Now Pronounce You…”/”Double Jeopardy”

Ronnie: We’re here! We’re finally here! (Or are we? More on that later…) Ever since Lois found out Clark’s secret, and their will they/won’t they settled into “will they”, it’s been inevitable that the two be married off, if only for the show’s strange and juvenile approach to sexual politics. They can’t live in sin,
Continue reading…

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 245: Blood Red Green

Jazz is back and so is Criminal Minds: Evolution. Episode 6, “True Conviction”, sees the BAU race against time to free a wrongfully convicted man on death row even if it pisses off Lewis’ girlfriend. Meanwhile, Sicarius visits his Harry Morgan and Garcia kisses someone. Oh, it’s very eventful. Oh yeah, that cliffhanger from episode
Continue reading…

 

Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “The Dad Who Came In From The Cold”/”Tempus, Anyone?”

  Chris: Regular readers of Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie (or reader, whatever) know that we here at the home office have a fairly ambivalent relationship with Jimmy Olson and an outright antagonistic one with the version of the character as played by Justin Whalen on L&C.  The general consensus is that the
Continue reading…

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 244: Ripped From The Racist Headlines (with Dr. Daniel Daughhetee)

Jazz is sick with Havana Syndrome, so it’s up to 3 time DTP champion Dr. Daniel Daughhetee to pick up the slack. In this gap week between Criminal Minds: Evolution, we decided to cover “Bloodline”, aka the Most Racist Episode Of Anything Ever. A family of Romanians–or Gypsies, pick your poison–go around murdering parents and
Continue reading…

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 243: Grenator

Things heat up slightly with the introduction of a werewolf connected to a senator–or grenator, pick your poison–portrayed by Aunt Zelda from the old Sabrina the Teenage Witch show. As this represents the midseason finale, one expects something of import to occur, and while there is a cliffhanger, it’s a lot more bequeathing of rescue
Continue reading…

 

Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Home is Where the Hurt is”/”Never on Sunday”

Ronnie: Welcome to yet another edition of Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie, the weekly but kinda slightly into monthly because we’re lazy fucks look at the 1990s most popular superhero show. No, not Night Man, Lois & Clark. We’re well into the engagement phase of the titular relationship in Season 3 here, and
Continue reading…

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 242: Filler! Sweet, Beautiful Filler

It’s a great sign for Criminal Minds: Evolution that the fourth episode of ten is inconsequential garbage, as opposed to consequential garbage. Home invasions, dark passengers played by guys from Prison Break, dead security guards, cancer scares, it’s all a smorgasbord of shit. How do Ronnie and Jazz keep themselves entertained? That’s for you to
Continue reading…

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 241: Doggone it

In this episode, the unsub of the season gets a canine companion, loses his job, is called a beta cuck and is forced to subscribe to some magazines. Everything’s very busy for Sicarius, so much so that the BAU contending with a bomber never really resonates. “Moose” is more about the antagonist, the boring, cliched
Continue reading…

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 240: Devolution

Here it is, what you’ve all been waiting: (nearly) 4 hours of Deliver The Profile devoted to the new season of Criminal Minds, Season 16/Evolution. Who’s back? Who isn’t? Who looks like shit? Who doesn’t have to wear a wig anymore? The BAU is in disarray with the characters scattered to the winds, just as
Continue reading…

 

Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Super Mann”/”Virtually Destroyed”

Chris: We get a lot of letters, here at Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie. We get a lot of letters, we get a lot of emails, we get phone calls, text messages, direct messages, video messages and Tiktoks. We get people coming up to us on the street, interrupting meals at restaurants, even
Continue reading…

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 239: It’s All Geek to Me (with Daniel Daughhetee)

Daniel Daughhetee (Albama Public Libary) comes back to the show to discuss his most favorite of things: boring history shit only nerds would like. That’s in full effect with Season 9’s “Fatal”, about an unsub poisoning people. The twist is he’s giving them a warning a day. “About Face” did that too, but they mention
Continue reading…

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 238: Ramming Speed

Deliver The Profile goes gay with “A Good Husband”, an episode about a man who leaves torsos in the local gay community in order to…something. Look, it’s a really bad episode, with some of the worst acting this side of a David DeCoteau joint, so just listen to the show and find out for yourself.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 237: That Ministry Song Off Psalm 69

Marking time until Criminal Minds: Evolution begins, Ronnie and Jazz discuss “Scarecrow” from Season 12. It’s not an all-timer, but it has one of the funniest deaths in Criminal Minds history, so there’s that.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 236: S.W.A.T. Kats

In yet another episode of a Criminal Minds podcast with a tenuous connection to Criminal Minds, the boys discuss a Season 2 episode of Shemar Moore’s S.W.A.T. entitled “Inheritance”. Somebody is impersonating the Symbionese Liberation Army and carrying out what one character deems “Patty Hearst 2.0″. Is it as dumb as it sounds? Absolutely. Is
Continue reading…

 

Deliver The Profile Kino Korner: Urban Legends: Bloody Mary

It’s finally over: Urban Legends month-ish is done. Bloody Mary is the least of the franchise. It stars Kate Mara and is basically Prom Night II if it were worse. A guy gets his penis exploded. It’s NOT a good time.

 

Deliver The Profile Kino Korner: Urban Legends: Final Cut

This week Deliver The Profile discusses Urban Legends: Final Cut, the origin of Fence-Man, the character find of 2000. Is the Hitchcock Award the worst fictional award ever? Of course it is.

 

Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Ultra Woman”/”Chip off the Old Clark”

Ronnie: Welcome back to Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie. I’m the last guy in that list of names and have I got a pair of episodes for you. In the first episode, Lois gets superpowers and runs afoul of Shelley Long. In another, Superman is faced with the downside of celebrity: being accused
Continue reading…

 

Deliver The Profile Kino Korner: Urban Legend

As promised, for October Deliver The Profile is shedding its Criminal Minds coverage in favor of the Urban Legend film series. Someone’s killing people based on urban legends, and it could be anyone, from Robert Englund to Brad Dourif to, uh, Michael Rosenbaum. Of all the Scream ripoffs, this is definitely one of them.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 235: Goodbye, Morgan

Morgan finally departs but not before facing off with a dimly lit Lance Henriksen. “A Beautiful Disaster” is, well, just that, minus the beautiful part.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 234: Enter Sandman (Nirvana cover)

Morgan’s exit trudges on with “The Sandman”, an episode that gives filler a bad name. Somebody is murdering parents and kidnapping children, and sand and hourglasses are involved. Is it dumb? Most definitely. Morgan feels attacked by this unsub because he is soon to be a father; prior to this he never gave a fuck
Continue reading…

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 233: Guest Starring Danny Glover

In “Derek”, Shemar Moore hallucinates an aged up version of his father played by Danny Glover. No, really. It’s absurd and one of the worst episodes of Criminal Minds, which makes it good fodder for Deliver The Profile. The boys also discuss the dreaded news of Criminal Minds: Evolution’s premiere date.

 

Law & Ordocki #46: The Law & Orgy: Dick Wolf’s Procedural Centipede

Here we go. Hey, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? By my count I have not added to the Law & Ordocki canon in over 12 months. The reason for this is simple: I pretty much stopped watching the franchise. SVU irritated me, Organized Crime bored me. I did watch all of Season 21 of
Continue reading…

 

Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Just Say Noah”/”Don’t Tug on Superman’s Cape”

Chris: Hello friends, it’s that time again. Time to go back to the magical year of 1995, one of the best years for American movies of the last fifty years, to talk about a mediocre television show. No, not Seinfeld, though I can see why you’d think that. Nope, it’s not Friends either. Something much
Continue reading…

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 232: The Gym Mat Killer

In “A Badge and a Gun”, some dude with a spider web tattoo steals law enforcement credentials and uses them to get into women’s houses and kills them. Meanwhile, Morgan receives a troubling text from his girlfriend. Scintillating, isn’t it? Yeah, well that’s what we have to work with this week so bear with us.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 231: Roach Brooch

Off Format time as the boys, as promised, cover an episode of CSI: NY! “The Daze of Wine and Roaches” is proof positive they made the right choice in not doing an episode about CSI or any of its spinoffs, because shit is obnoxious and dumb. More so than Criminal Minds even. There’s counterfeit wine,
Continue reading…

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 230: For Obvious Reasons

It may have taken the boys over 200 episodes, but they have finally completed the first season of Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders. It is a doozy. “Iqiniso” is set in South Africa and involves a man wearing an animal skull killing people and making it look like he’s trying to resurrect them as zombies. Key
Continue reading…

 

Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Contact”/”When Irish Eyes Are Killing”

Ronnie: Welcome back to Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie, what I figure must be the only weekly column that devotes upwards of 4000 words on a superhero show from 25 years ago. We’re well over the halfway point of the series Lois & Clark, so with it I think we have to recognize
Continue reading…

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 229: Dumb Homeland

Not much in the way of a description because Ronnie got his ass kicked by a Rammstein concert last night, but here’s what you need to know: it’s more Beyond Borders, it takes place in Turkey, and it might be the dumbest the show has ever gotten. Enjoy!

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 228: America’s a Fucking Disease

You probably can’t tell, but this show was recorded in the immediate wake of Roe v. Wade being overturned, so Ronnie and Jazz are understandably miffed. So miffed, in fact, that they took a vacation from America by way of an episode of Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders. “De Los Inocentes” is a yarn set in
Continue reading…

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 227: Puke

Puke! That’s a funny word, right? Well, it accurately describes the Adam Rodriguez spotlight episode “Luke”, in which a blast from Alvez’s past puts his cushy life at risk. Who’s going to die? His girlfriend? The dog? The black best friend who’s only been in one other episode? You know enough to about television to
Continue reading…

 

Talkin’ ‘Bout Turtles 5: The Newest Not Really A Movie Movie

Talkin’ ‘Bout Turtles is back to discuss Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie, a straight to Netflix “movie” that is basically Brian Yuzna’s Society meets Terminator but with none of the fun or interesting or awesome bits. Will Leonardo finally become the leader? Why is Haley Joel Osment voicing a Kyle Reese
Continue reading…

 

Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “We Have A Lot To Talk About”/”Ordinary People”

Chris: Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends, or doesn’t end for two more seasons anyway. It’s time again for Lois and Clark and Chris and Ronnie, the often imitated but never duplicated series dedicated to providing the finest Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman analysis 2022 has to offer.
Continue reading…

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 226: Hans Moleman

Jazz is back! Everyone’s second favorite host returns to a doozy of a nothing of an episode, “Night Lights”, also known as the Moleman episode. Are moles people? Should they be people? It’s a later season episode so expect it to be stupid, half-formed and ultimately not a lot to talk about. Luckily, the boys
Continue reading…

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 225: The David Eckstein of Profiling (with Chris Ludovici)

Jazz is still in the nether-zone, so that means Ronnie must partake in another Marvel Team-Up! This time out it’s Chris Ludovici, his partner in crime in many a writing project (Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie included). They try to talk about anything besides Criminal Minds, but invariably the topic drifts back to
Continue reading…

 

Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: Smallville

Ronnie: Chris lost the Season 3 premiere document so as punishment to him and also all of you, we’re doing Smallville this week. What is Smallville? I’m glad you asked. It’s the most successful Superman show ever in terms of longevity, and it’s also a show that transcended the teen drama of the WB and
Continue reading…

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 224: Isn’t It Interesting? (with Daniel Daughhetee)

Jazz is on vacation, but have no fear, Ronnie has teamed with Daniel Daughhetee (The Canon Ball) to bring you a brand spanking new episode of Deliver The Profile! Witness as Ronnie puts Daniel through the paces with “False Flag”, a later season show about conspiracy theorists. They’re being murdered! Is it a conspiracy or
Continue reading…