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Deliver The Profile Episode 282: Another Evil Kid

I guess the episode title spoils the twist. Oops. Otherwise it’s a pretty typical Criminal Minds episode, which is to say it’s not good. And there’s a Garcia subplot. Why even live anymore.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 281: The Seed of Simmons

Season 14 slog continues on with “Rule 34″, which, yes, we get it. It’s terrible but we get it. Somebody is sending body parts in the mail to random women and if you guessed a predatory homosexual was behind it, congratulations. Also, one of Simmons’ 17 kids gets in trouble at school and who could
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Deliver The Profile Episode 280: Mummy Mommy

In Season 14’s “Starter Home” a young couple finds mummified bodies in their walls. This looks like a job for the BAU! Joe Mantegna and the gang unwrap a tedious tale of teen rebellion, arrested development, undelivered mail and more. Also, Joe Mantegna sees if his ex-wife’s daughter’s new boyfriend is a serial killer or
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Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Twas the Night Before Mxymas”/”Lethal Weapon”

Ronnie: Welcome welcome welcome to the ONLY long-form criticism of Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman. You may have noticed these articles take longer and longer to get out; partially that’s my laziness, but it’s also due to the malaise of having reached Season 4, definitely in the running for one of the
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Deliver The Profile Episode 279: Nebraska

In “Safe Haven”, apparently you can drop off anybody under 18 at a hospital in Nebraska and they just have to deal with it. That plus Morgan has to deal with a nine year old who scammed her way across America. Criminal Minds was running on fumes even by Season 6, folks.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 278: With Apologies to Leonard Cohen

“The Longest Night” finishes off Tim Curry and starts off Season 6. Morgan gets angry! JJ becomes a hostage negotiator! More closeups of dirty teeth! It’s a scene, man.

 

Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Ghosts”/”Stop the Presses”

Chris: Hello, hi and welcome back to another installment of Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie, a series that, much like the show it chronicles, started with a shaky premise and just got worse. Today’s entry cover the ninth and tenth episodes of the fourth and final season, which is another way of saying
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Deliver The Profile Episode 277: Crackspiration

The boys are back in 2024, ready to discuss Criminal Minds again. This time it’s “Our Darkest Hour”, aka the one about Tim Curry driving around in an RV and smoking crack. Will The Prince of Darkness, as he’s called, beguile our heroes or will he just kill some nobodies while Leonard Cohen songs play?
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Deliver The Profile Kino Korner: Angels in the Infield

Happy 2024!

 

Deliver The Profile Kino Korner: Angels in the Endzone

AKA The Christmas Eve Miracle.

 

Deliver The Profile Kino Korner: Angels in the Outfield

Because of a promise made in haste a year ago that somehow came to anything, for the next three episodes Ronnie and Jazz will be reviewing the saddest of all trilogies, the Angels in the Outfield series. This first one has FOUR Oscar winners, not that you could tell by their performances. Listen to the
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Deliver The Profile Episode 276: As-Mer (feat. Dr. Daniel Daughhetee)

Dr. Daniel Daughhetee joins the Five Timers Club as he and Ronnie dissect “Hamelin”, a Season 14 episode of Criminal Minds that reimagines the Pied Piper into something even dumber. JJ reconnects with her mom, the BAU is basically useless and the episode makes the case that the worst thing that can happen to a
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Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Dead Lois Walking”/”Bob and Carol and Lois and Clark”

Ronnie: Previously on The Clark: Lois is going to jail for a crime she didn’t commit! Will it be realistic and gritty like Caged Heat or will it be a frothy bitch session like Orange is the New Black? Well, if you watch “Dead Lois Walking” you’ll find out. That’s a terrible idea; if there’s
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Deliver The Profile Episode 275: Where’s Wallace?

Where is Wallace indeed. He’s in “The Inspired”, the not very inspired second part of the Season 9 premiere.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 274: Twinsies

Part one of a really, really dumb two parter. 

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 273: Feeling Like A Black Duck

Two-Parter Madness continues (yes it’s another theme) with our take on “Memoriam”. Is Reid’s dad as fascinating as you’d think? No, of course not. Is he a child molester? Find out by listening to Deliver The Profile.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 272: Our Christmas Episode

In what may be the podcast’s shortest episode yet outside of those weird early installments, this one takes on “The Instincts”, part one of a boring two parter that’s mainly about Reid’s dreams. Child abduction too but mostly Reid’s dreams. Speaking of, REED Diamond is in “The Instincts” playing a concerned father. Remember The Shield?
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Deliver The Profile Episode 271: Seven Years of Sobriety

To celebrate Ronnie staying sober for seven years, the boys ‘treat’ themselves to a Season 1 episode, “Machismo”.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 270: We’re Done With Season 12

“Seek and Destroy” is boring as shit, but at least it marks the end of our coverage of Season 12. It’s a home invasion one, everybody knows home invasion ones suck.

 

Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Brutal Youth”/”The People v. Lois Lane”

Chris: Man, I don’t understand TV. I know that here at the Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie home office we’re supposed to be experts in the field. Why else would anyone possibly want to read about a 25 year old show that no one liked in the first place? The only way any
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Deliver The Profile Episode 269: Mindswitchin’

Mr. Scratch brainwashes a guy to think he’s Aisha Tyler’s brother. Your guess is as good as ours.

 

Talkin’ ‘Bout Turtles 6: Mutant Mayhem

It’s here! The podcast of the summer is here…in late August. The boys convene to discuss Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem, the film that dares to use the same word twice in its title. How disgusting is it? Why does Donatello sound like he’s 5? How does Seth Rogen get away with whitewashing Bebop?
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Deliver The Profile Episode 268: Killer Epp (with Dr. Daniel Daughhetee)

To discuss America’s love affair with drone warfare as depicted in the Criminal Minds episode “Killer App”, we once again turn to Thrawnderdome’s Daniel Daughhetee.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 267: Underground Babyroad

It’s another Deliver The Profile. This time somebody’s hot for teacher in “I Love You, Tommy Brown” as Teri Polo seeks to reunite her felony-riddled family. It’s more Season 7 garbage.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 266: The Audacity of Hope

Another episode of Deliver The Profile. This is the skeeziest episode yet if you can make such a claim.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 265: Everyone I Love is Dead

Rossi grapples with his ex-wife’s mortality as the team grapples with a guy drowning and resuscitating his victims in “Epilogue”. Also during the show, Ronnie and Jazz briefly review Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and talk about how night fishing is grade A loser behavior.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 264: mother!

Ronnie and Jazz confronts bad mothers on “From Childhood’s Hour”, another Season 7 episode of Criminal Minds. There’s really not a lot to this one besides Rossi reconnecting with his first ex-wife. Do we get to see some old people sex? Listen to the episode to find out.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 263: (Not) Alan Moore’s Top Ten

It’s the school shooting episode of the show. “Painless” also involves an unsub who feels no pain. Why these two plotlines were conjoined is beyond the hosts. “Season 7, eh, whatever” summer continues apace.  

 

Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Swear To God, We’re Not Kidding This Time”/”Soul Mates”

Ronnie: It took us over a year but we’ve finally reached the point the show was setting up, arguably, its entire run: the wedding. A lot of times TV shows have the trouble of knowing how to mine conflict when its main set of male/female characters becomes a couple. Fortunately, Lois & Clark is not
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Deliver The Profile Kino Korner: Transformers: Rise of the Beasts

The boys discuss the furrytastic new Transformers, Rise of the Beasts. Do the beasts rise or do they not? Does this belong in the canon of classic Brooklyn films? Is this superior to the Michael Bay movies or not? All these questions and more will be answered in the two plus hours Ronnie and Jazz
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Deliver The Profile Episode 262: David Rossi’s Punch-Out

Take out your gloves and start pounding a slab of meat because it’s a boxing episode! In “The Bittersweet Science” some guy is going around beating people to death because he could’ve been a contender, or his son is dying, or something. Charles S. Dutton guest stars in the episode. It’s Season 7. It’s terrible.
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Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Lord of the Flys”/”Battleground Earth”

Chris: [Clapping] All right, guys, let’s bring it in, come on, huddle up now, let’s huddle up. Okay, I’m not gonna sugarcoat it, that last quarter was rough. The first two quarters weren’t exactly picnics either, but we gave as good as we got. But then things got away from us. Last quarter was more
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Deliver The Profile Episode 261: Trump 2016 Campaign Ad

Race war! It’s race war time as the BAU goes to San Bernardino to investigate a series of home invasions that seem to be racially-motivated. What does the dipstick who directed Atlas Shrugged Part 1 have to do with this? It’s exploitative, racially dicey–it’s Criminal Minds all right. It is disquieting how this episode echoes
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Deliver The Profile Episode 260: Sgt. Party

Ronnie is actually enthusiastic for once. He’s on drugs in case you wanted an explanation. It sure has nothing to do with “Middle Man” itself, a miserable torture porn excursion smack dab in the middle of Season 6 that pits a lone exotic dancer against a coterie of rapist dipshits, one of whom was a
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Deliver The Profile Episode 259: Gone Gideon Gone

Back to early days with Season 3’s “Scared to Death”, Ronnie and Jazz chat about a Scarecrow unsub who precedes the literal Scarecrow unsub on the show. As the podcast title indicates, Mandy Patinkin’s Gideon has just departed the show and a decent part of this hour is the show dealing with his absence. Ultimately,
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Deliver The Profile Episode 258: St. Patrick’s Day IV: The Return of Danny Murphy

Back to business as usual as Ronnie and Jazz delve into “A Shade of Gray”, one of the rare killer kid episodes. Witness Fake Kyle Chandler’s bullshit plan! Listen to the boys do offensive Irish accents for most of the podcast. Hear them posit an altogether better slasher franchise than Halloween. Most of all, be
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Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: Krypton

Ronnie: Welcome to Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie, wherein we take an analytical look at a show with almost no lasting cultural footprint and really we’re more than halfway through so don’t question why we do this. That’ll cause us to question why we do this and there’s nothing good coming from that.
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Deliver The Profile Episode 257: Gotham Knights

Not a Criminal Minds episode, but Gotham Knights fits comfortably in the Deliver The Profile remit by being poor television badly told. Why do they keep making Batman shows without Batman? Who the fuck is Turner Hayes? Where’s the Robins anybody cares about? The CW’s latest and least greatest foray into cheap superheroics plumbs new
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Deliver The Profile Kino Korner: The Super Mario Bros. Movie

When is a movie barely a movie? When it’s The Super Mario Bros. Movie, apparently. Although Ronnie and Jazz did not find it unsettling on par with the Sonic movies, they sure didn’t like it either. From needle drops to uninspired voice acting, this film has all the markings of an Illumination picture. The best
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Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Through A Glass, Darkly”/”Big Girls Don’t Fly”

Chris: Hallå my friends, and välkommen once again to Harriet & Max & Chris and Ronnie, the internet’s number one destination for trenchant analysis of the works of Ingmar Bergman mixed with Seinfeld references. Today, we’ll be looking at Through a Glass, Darkly, Bergman’s 1961 treatise on madness, faith and lust. It’s the first film
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Deliver The Profile Episode 256: Advanced Studies Criminal Minds (feat. Daniel Daughhetee)

Four time guest champion Dr. Daniel Daughhetee asked for a “hard” episode of Criminal Minds, so he got a Season 2 of Beyond Borders thing titled “Obey”. It’s about a guy who kills people after being shot in the head and left for dead in an open grave. It takes place in Jamaica. Yes, it’s
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Deliver The Profile Episode 255: What Are We Doing Here? (feat. Chris Ludovici)

Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie co-writer Chris Ludovici almost convinces Ronnie to give up doing the podcast. It’s an existential crisis of an episode, folks, starring “The Fatigues” Seinfeld guy and a whole lot of belt stranglin’.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 254: Buffalo: Crime Capital of the World

Tribute To The Shield Month ends with neither a bang nor a whimper, just another daaaaaaaay of podcasting. “The Big Wheel” is about an OCD man who kills blondes and is definitely not just a ripoff of Peeping Tom, the Michael Powell classic. Did that have a blind kid who got around by clicking? Didn’t
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Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Oedipus Wrecks”/”It’s A Small World After All”

Ronnie: I want to first begin by saying “Oedipus Wrecks” as a title has also been used on Wings and most recently Criminal Minds. So that’s the level of “clever” we’re dealing with here. Anyway, this episode closes the book on the Lois amnesia saga. Does it do so in an elegant fashion? Well, I
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Deliver The Profile Episode 253: La Brea

In this Tribute to The Shield episode, the boys welcome Ronnie Gardocki himself, David Rees Snell, to the show. Too bad he has a nothing role in a nothing episode (“Remembrance of Things Past”). Like, we’re talking Season 6 nothing. There’s so little to talk about the boys spend a digression on the NBC hit
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Law & Ordocki #50: The Beginning

Welcome to the 50th Law & Ordocki! Ever since September 8th 2014, this has been the only source for critical reviews of the Law & Order franchise generally and Law & Order: Special Victims Unit specifically. I know, I know, how did it take me so long to get here. The point is, I’m here
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Deliver The Profile Episode 252: Stathis Borans

This episode has it all: a digression about something President Trump said last year, a possibly good episode of Criminal Minds, and the guy who played Stathis Borans in The Fly and the quite possibly underrated The Fly II. There’s so much incident it unfortunately overshadows our Shield alum this week, Catherine Dent. And she’s
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Law & Ordocki #49: Welcome to SVU, Diane Neal! Hope You Survive The Experience!

Cast changes are usually tough, because you have to start writing a new voice. That’s of course if you’re competent; if you’re not competent and don’t give a shit you can write the new character like an old character and duck criticism by never going on Twitter. SVU tends to trend towards the latter, because
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Law & Ordocki #48: 7 Levels of Hell

Some episodes of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit are immediately infamous, such as the wildlife smuggling episode or the one where Robin Williams is the Riddler (article on that one forthcoming). Others become so retroactively, inadvertently. I would say “Trade” fits the bill, on the basis that its big guest star is disgraced actor
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Deliver The Profile Episode 251: With Special Guest Star Walton Goggins

In “Tribute to The Shield” month, the boys take a look at episodes of Criminal Minds that featured cast members of The Shield in them. First is Season 4’s “Demonology”, in which a blast from Prentiss’ past threatens to push the show into Touched by an Angel territory. Also starring: James Remar! It’s a lot
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