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Deliver The Profile Episode 174: X Marks the Spot

Because Ronnie is lazy, it’s another Season 10 episode! This one, “X”, is the premiere, and so we are introduced to Jennifer Love Hewitt of Ghost Whisperer fame. Will she distinguish herself from her colleagues or just be absorbed into the blob of bad dialogue and stiff characterization? I think you know the answer already.

 

The New Mutants: A Very Long Engagement

It’s evident that the behind the scenes of New Mutants is more fascinating than the film itself. How could it not be? Shot in 1993, New Mutants was delayed for a number of reasons–the Disney acquisition of FOX, the WTO protests, a goat ate one of the film reels, a desire to reshoot it into something ‘not
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Law & Ordocki Season 5 #1 (#35): Benson Like Me

Well, it’s the 22nd season of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, and a lot has happened since the 21st ended. Approximately 463 black people were murdered by the police and a pandemic shut down the country, except the times and places it didn’t and people just got sick and died thanks to excessive amounts of freedom.
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Deliver The Profile Episode 173: Gregberg

“Scream”! Everybody “Scream”! That’s the episode the podcast is covering today, and it’s…[sigh]… about a guy who is trying to record the perfect scream. That’s not all: Jennifer Love Hewitt’s daughter/niece is meeting boys online, but more importantly JLH’s husband is played by GREG GRUNBERG. Greg Grunberg? Greg Grunberg. Okay, sure, whatever.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 172: President Ben

The election may be over (or is it?), but Deliver The Profile’s work has just begun. (In fact, there’s probably enough CM episodes left over for four more years of podcasting.) This week’s episode takes on “Rock Creek Park”, a political-ish episode about a congressman’s wife’s kidnapping. Throughout the endeavor we learn more of Reid’s
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DCU: Duhcisions

Politics in superhero comics has always been tricky because a) vigilantism is inherently reactionary and b) most superhero writers don’t know much about politics, to say nothing of depicting it with nuance. It’s for these reasons something like DCU: Decisions exists, DC’s 2008 efforts to capitalize on the election fever created by the multicultural multigenerational movement
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Deliver The Profile Episode 171: Frosted Frakes

In this episode, Ronnie and Jazz discuss Season 5’s “The Uncanny Valley”, one about a woman turning women into living dolls. But mainly it’s an excuse to talk about Star Wars’ own Jonathan Frakes, who makes an appearance in the show. And what an appearance it is! Beam me up, Scotty, am I right? The
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D.C. Follies: I Watched 44 Episodes Of This Shit

Humblebrag time: I’m friends with Phil Gonzales. Yes, THAT Phil Gonzales. He’s such a mensch that when I offhandedly mentioned I wanted a DVD of something called D.C. Follies, he sent it to me. His stipulation? That I determine whether or not it “held up”. D.C. Follies, if you don’t know, is basically an American
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Deliver The Profile Episode 170: Wedding After Wedding After Wedding

Wedding season comes to Criminal Minds and the participants are who you least expect! Actually, that’s a lie. But there’s a lot of other things happening in this episode, “Run”, such as Prentiss’ departure, J.J. being a viking ninja cowboy over the fate of her son, a secret unsub, and more wealth porn courtesy of
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Deliver The Profile Episode 169: Turn On The Bright Lights

It’s time to see Prentiss depart for the second time as Deliver The Profile covers the first part of the Season 7 finale, “Hit”. Why pattern the robbers after the fucking Royal Flush Gang? Are we supposed to care about the fate of J.J.’s boyfriend? The Prentiss Interpol bullshit is still stupid. Ronnie and Jazz
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Deliver The Profile Episode 168: Goodbye J.J.

That’s right, J.J. is going away for about a season, upon which she will make her triumphant return in Season 7. But until then, this is her official goodbye, as she’s shunted off to the Pentagon to liaison with the DoD/hunt Osama bin Laden. There’s also a case about a missing girl and a pair
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Deliver The Profile Episode 167: Underage Scrimshaw

It’s back to the Criminal Minds salt mines with “The Internet is Forever”, a Season 5 screed about the dangers of the Internet. It’s pretty hypocritical to rail against it when the team uses it to solve all their cases. Anyway, there’s J.J. botching a press conference, Rossi going mano y mano with another old
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Deliver The Profile Episode 166: Inside The Inside

Ronnie and Jazz take a break from Criminal Minds by reviewing the totality of the 13 episode Rachel Nichols starring procedural THE INSIDE! Like Criminal Minds, it’s about a team of barely charismatic TV actors hunting down serial killers large (an obese cannibal) and small (a child). Is Rachel Nichols basically playing the same character
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Deliver The Profile Episode 165: Ashley Seaver Part V: Supply and Demand

Because you demanded it! Maybe. Ronnie and Jazz talk about Cats, the horrifying nightmare film that everyone hated last winter. But that’s not all! They also discuss Season 6 finale “Supply and Demand”, a sex/murder trafficking story so boring Ronnie completely Mandela Effected the ending. Also: the triumphant return of Nicholas Brendon, the ignominious departure
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Deliver The Profile Episode 164: Ashley Seaver Part IV: With Friends Like These…

The descent into Seaver Madness continues with “With Friends Like These…”, a delightfully stupid tale about imaginary friends and how they can coerce insomniacs to kill. Seaver becomes an official member of the team finally and Reid continues to suffer from headaches. On the podcast front, the concept of “Jazz Classics” is introduced for your
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Deliver The Profile Episode 163: Ashley Seaver Part III: Corazon

In “Corazon”, which is Spanish for some sort of spaceship, Reid has headaches, the team engages with Afro-Caribbean culture, and Seaver does little more than ask fairly obvious questions. Yep, sounds like a Criminal Minds all right. But this episode of Deliver The Profile is mainly concerned with who the Headless Horseman, what his deal
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More Like Heroes in CrisiSUCKS: A Review by Ronnie Gardocki and Chris Ludovici, AIA

Event comics are not usually good. They’re not meant to be; companies rely on them to goose sales, wrap up storylines and plot new directions for characters. There are so many moving parts, so many masters to serve, that it should come as no surprise that even talented creators struggle churning out something readable. So
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The Punisher Meets Al Capone

I hate to be dipping back into the Ron Zimmerman well so soon after my last foray, but it’s a fertile source of hackery. As I’ve said in a previous column, Zimmerman had a burst of work at Marvel for a year or two and then essentially faded away. His heavy hitter projects include Rawhide
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Deliver The Profile Episode 162: Ashley Seaver Part II: 25 to Life

It’s another week of Seaver, but she doesn’t do much of anything in the episode. What a shocker. Instead it’s a Morgan showcase, in that he trusts an inmate (Kyle Secor) and is betrayed when the recently released kills a guy. What does this have to do with a business-ish man running for Congress? You’ll
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Deliver The Profile Episode 161: Ashley Seaver, Part 1

So begins yet another theme month or so with DTP’s foray into the Ashley Seaver episodes! How bad an actress is Rachel Nichols? How much do the hosts wish they were watching that one episode of X-Files? “What Happens At Home…” is about murders in a gated community. But it’s really a means with which
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Deliver The Profile Episode 160: Sexy Bird Teen

Deliver The Profile finishes business with “Unfinished Business”, a Season 1 episode that is almost maybe good, in large part due to guest star Geoff Pierson. The Keystone Killer is back, and Geoff Pierson’s obsessed with him. Will he and the BAU track down the killer? Well, what do you think?

 

Irresistible Review by Ronnie Gardocki and Dr. Daniel Daughhetee

This is normally a space to discuss more benign subjects such as bad comic books and police procedurals about serial rapists, but I thought the film Irresistible worthy of going relatively off format. Jon Stewart was the perfect comedy pillar of the Bush years: he and his staff would regularly lampoon the Bush administration as callous
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Deliver The Profile Episode 159: Poison Control

This episode is a fucking trainwreck. Ronnie’s high on Valium, “Poison” is boring dross, and the boys spend most of their time on tangents like what the Holy Trinity is and the efficacy of dick pills. “Poison” is about some guy dosing random people with LSD. Groovy, man? No, not groovy. Maybe they should’ve actually
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Spider-Man Meets Jay Leno in “The Late Shit”

Like all good Americans, I have an unhealthy fascination (obsession, perhaps) with former Tonight Show host and all-around funnyman James Douglas Muir “Jay” Leno. He stands for everything I don’t: denim, classic cars, Cool Ranch Doritos, being Italian. How exactly did he become a mainstay of American popular culture for decades despite not being funny or
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Deliver The Profile Episode 158: Californiamplification

We’re baaaack! That’s right, the only Criminal Minds podcast has returned to making new content and there’s a lot of news to talk about: the Criminal Minds lawsuit, S.W.A.T. promising to not suck as much, Elmer Fudd losing his gun. There’s also the matter of the episode “Amplification”, about an anthrax outbreak that results from
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There’s No Ultimatum In Ultimatum

It’s tough to create and maintain a superhero universe. That’s why there are only two successful long running examples, and even then counting DC as a success is being generous. Marvel’s Ultimate imprint had its heyday and did a lot of good. It revitalized moribund characters for the 21st century, influenced feature films and launched the
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Deliver The Profile: Venom Special

Yes, we’re back! Well, not really, because this show is actually from March but has been held back as the show went on an unintended hiatus due to COVID-19. Movie month(s) wraps up with a look at 2018’s surprise tentacle hit, Venom! Who is Tom Hardy trying to impersonate? Why is the movie PG-13? Is
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Law & Ordocki Season 4 #3 (#34): Stuckey On Me

Remember last time out when I said CSU tech Dale Stuckey would become a serial killer? That’s this episode. I see no reason in hiding the twist; it’s one of the best attributes of the hour. Anybody familiar with SVU will invariably describe “Zebras” as “the one where the lab guy goes crazy”. This is the
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Iron Man: Leaving Las Vegas

I thought for my latest entry into my Untitled Comic Book Column I should continue with my theme of celebrities thoughtlessly shitting out comics, so here’s Iron Man: Viva Las Vegas by Jon Favreau (Chef) and Adi Granov. Again, this has all the makings of a classic Hollywood comic. Favreau was fresh off the surprise sensation
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Deliver The Profile: TMNT 2014 Special

Movie month-or-so continues as Ronnie and Jazz cover one of their most hated movies ever: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from 2014, the Platinum Dunes/Michael Bay one. The hideous monstrosity Turtles. Gone are the adorable animatronic suits and in their place are 7 foot tall behemoths made of CGI. Why does everybody want to fuck April
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Deliver The Profile: Brahms: The Boy 2 Special

Deliver The Profile’s month of movies rolls on as Ronnie and Jazz make another excursion to the multiplex with Brahms: The Boy II. (Don’t worry, this was recorded back when “going to the multiplex” was a fun, plausible activity.) The Boy is an ironic favorite of the boys, so can the sequel live up to
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Avengers Vol. 3 #71: “Real Sicko. Perverts Only.”

No matter what you think of the quality of his work (especially the recent stuff), Geoff Johns is a bonafide comics superstar. He reinvented Green Lantern, had a long successful run on The Flash, returned the Justice Society of America and Hawkman to prominence, and shit all over his legacy with whatever the hell Doomsday
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Deliver The Profile: Sonic the Hedgehog Special

Deliver The Profile goes to the movies in this first week of avoiding Criminal Minds. We begin with SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, the smash hit that is at least the best movie about James Marsden in a car talking to a CGI monstrosity. Who is this for? Who wanted this? Why isn’t there any shout outs
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The Abrams’ Spider-Man: At Least There’s No Lens Flare?

When I first got into reading comics on an addictive level, some 16-17 years ago, celebrity authors were a novelty. There were not many of them and when they deigned to write for Marvel or DC it was a seismic event. Kevin Smith’s Daredevil launched the Marvel Knights imprint; Judd Winick went from “that guy from
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Deliver The Profile Episode 157: The High End Of Low

Everything’s fucked. Criminal Minds is over, COVID-19 has turned into a pandemic, there’s no baseball for anyone. Sorry for the delay in episode, but the world has literally gone to shit. Fear not! The DTP boys are here to help with your pandemic woes with a nearly 3 HOUR EPISODE covering the final two shows
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Deliver The Profile Episode 156: Lay Down Your Goddamn Arms

Ronnie and Jazz discuss “Family Tree”, which is definitely an episode of Criminal Minds.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 155: Unkillable Monster

Criminal Minds would be an unkillable monster if it were not guaranteed to be ending this month. It certainly feels that way, as we’re dealt another double header. In “Date Night”, Cat Adams (meow!) returns to bedevil Reid, whereas “Rusty” is about a guy in a goat costume telling a dude to decapitate people. It’s
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Deliver The Profile Episode 154: King Kill 33º

Ronnie and Jazz recorded this during “The Big Game”, the sporting event they’re not allowed to actually name. Watching that would’ve been preferable to seeing “Ghost”, the halfway point for this final season of Criminal Minds and a story about a nobody copycatting a classic unsub in order to kidnap two FBI agents who don’t
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Deliver The Profile Episode 153: Breaking The Same Old Ground

Ronnie and Jazz really didn’t care for this one, despite the fact that it was a change of pace, despite the fact that Paul F. Tompkins was in it. “Saturday” is the BAU’s Saturday, in which the characters are not on a case and instead go about their stupid personal lives. Reid meets a girl!
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Deliver The Profile Episode 152: Ka-Boom Ka-Boom

What the hell is “Spectator Slowing”? It’s the newest Criminal Minds, but the phrase is nonsense. We thought it was “Spectator SHOWING”, but it’s not. Anyway, the BAU must stop a mad bomber who sends people photos of their own home along with the bomb. Also, Simmons is at home taking care of his shitty
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Deliver The Profile Episode 151: New Model No. 15

Well, we’ve come to it: Season 15. The end of the line. Ronnie and Jazz go long with the two-headed premiere of “Under the Skin” and “Awakenings”, which is variously about men’s chests, bad impersonations, lesbianism, unrequited love, face ripping and a terrible Iggy Pop cover. The hosts try to keep their sanity by discussing
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Deliver The Profile Minisode 2: Criminal Minds Talks The Talk

What’s this? A bonus? Yes, Virginia, there is a minisode of Deliver The Profile! In case you don’t remember, minisodes are episodes that are an hour or less that don’t cover a specific CM show. This time Ronnie and Jazz are assaulted by the catastrophic series of choices that is Criminal Minds going on THE
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Deliver The Profile Episode 150: Threats of Romance

Here it is, episode 150 of Deliver The Profile! What better way to celebrate this milestone than covering the risible Season 14 finale, “Truth or Dare”! Who the hell is this unsub actor and is he actually the worst thespian ever? Who the fuck wanted the possibility of a J.J./Reid romance? Spoilers, by the way:
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Deliver The Profile Episode 149: Mutilation Is the Most Sincere Form of Flattery

Close the book on 2019 with the final Deliver The Profile of the year! On this eve of New Year’s Ronnie and Jazz discuss a pivotal Season 14 episode, “Chameleon”! The unsub of the episode, The Chameleon, is promised to play a pivotal role in Criminal Minds’ final season (starting January 8th), so this is
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Law & Ordocki Season 4 #2 (#33): To Vax Or Not To Vax

Law & Order: SVU is a program of the moment; it’s meant to be as disposable as a tissue or an issue of a tabloid. When going back to an episode after many years the bulk is often indecipherable. What current event compelled the writer to pen this? What are they reacting to? What was the
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Deliver The Profile #148: Cake and Sodomy

Not a dream! Not a hallucination! Not an imaginary story! Reid goes to prison at the behest of being charged with murdering what looks to be a Mexican citizen and having a huge cache of drugs in his truck. Can the BAU bail him out and get him on a plane back to the States?
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Deliver The Profile Episode 147: I Don’t Like The Drugs (But The Drugs Like Me)

It’s a Tara Lewis episode. A Tara Lewis episode about her dealing with her ex-husband. No, don’t, please stick around. “Broken Wing” may be a total snore, but Ronnie and Jazz still have a few good bits. That’s all you can ask for, right?

 

Law & Ordocki Season 4 #1 (#32): Moore Is Less

I’m back! It feels like a lifetime ago that I would unearth an hour from the Law & Order universe and give it a thorough examination. I admit part of the reason it’s been so long is that I don’t actually watch SVU anymore. A shocking admission to be sure, but I have my reasons. Its
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Deliver The Profile Episode 146: King Crimson

Note: this Criminal Minds makes no use of King Crimson, why is it titled that? Well, in the SEASON 12 premiere the gang is hunting the Crimson King, freed from a coordinated serial killer jailbreak. Yeah, wait until we cover that episode to hear us bitch about that ridiculous plot twist. The episode serves as
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Deliver The Profile Episode 145: #releasetheteethcut

Deliver The Profile reaches the penultimate frontier: Season 14. What is this strange season and what does it contain? Why are the hosts doing this? Well, “Flesh and Blood” has a connection to an episode the podcast covered a few shows ago, which will become evident as you listen. (Hint: You’ll be good if you
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