All articles by RonnieGardocki

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 319: The Witless

Jazz is back in the saddle to discuss “The Witness”, a Season 11 ‘winner’ in which a guy unleashes a sarin gas attack on a Los Angeles bus and framing someone for it. He almost gets away with it too. Listen to Ronnie and Jazz tear apart Criminal Minds’ attempt at homaging Arlington Road same
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Deliver The Profile Episode 318: Zero Worship (with Daniel Daughhetee)

Daniel Daughhetee takeover fortnight concludes with a look at “Hero Worship”, a bomb of a bombing episode that sees a man rescue a pregnant woman from sheer doom and then face a bombing of his own. Who is this man, and what does a dead troop living room shrine have to do with anything? All
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Deliver The Profile Episode 317: Reincarnation Celebration (with Daniel Daughhetee)

Daniel appears on DTP for the 8th (!) time as we discuss “Perennials”, a Season 8 episode of the show broadly about a guy killing people reborn into other people. Yes, reincarnation. How long before the BAU tracks down ghosts and goblins? Well, Ghost Whisperer’s Jennifer Love Hewitt DOES enter in Season 10…

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 316: Hotch Is Single Again, Ladies

In “Amelia Porter”, a bunch of dumb shit happens and the Criminal Minds crew loosely adapts the real life horrific crimes of Paul Bernardo and Karla Homolka. Poorly, of course. More importantly, though, Hotch cut those strings loose and is now a swinging bachelor, ready to get down and fuck. All because Beth’s actress was
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Night Man Nights: “World Premiere, Part 1 and 2″

Ronnie: Hi. Normally you’d be reading about the latest in a long slog towards completing analysis of the four year series Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman. But this might surprise you: Chris and I completed it. We’re done! Finished! Finito. We even put a bow atop everything with a postmortem article. So
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Deliver The Profile Episode 315: LDSK Until Graduation

What do you get when you combine the JFK assassination, a guy getting Todd Mulcahy’d and memory palaces? You get “Final Shot”, a Season 9 Criminal Minds that is pretty bad even by Criminal Minds standards.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 314: Gary Sinise Country Returns

Beyond Borders time. In “Lost Souls” come for the reductive trip to Tanzania by way of Los Angeles, stay for the cartoon animals. Ronnie is dosed on Valium so don’t expect the highest energy performance. What do you expect, it’s a show too racist for the Trump Administration.

 

Deliver The Profile Kino Korner: Kraven the Hunter

The promised Kraven the Hunter podcast is finally here, as Ronnie and Jazz provide an epitaph for the Sony Spider-Man Minus Spider-Man Cinematic Universe in what may be its worst installment yet.

 

Timspotting: Shifting Gears

Tim Allen is about to embark on a journey few have attempted: the sitcom triple crown. There are countless comedians with sitcoms, and of those there are some comedians with successful sitcoms. But how many can boast multiple successful sitcoms? As far as I can tell, Tim seeks to enter the rarefied atmosphere of a
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Deliver The Profile Kino Korner: Sonic The Hedgehog 3

Ronnie and Jazz discuss the smash box office hit Sonic the Hedgehog 3, featuring Keanu Reeves as Shadow the Hedgehog and Jim Carrey as multiple Robotniks.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 311: Oz Sure Was A Great Show

The boys discuss Season 10’s “Lockdown” and mostly talk about how much they miss Oz.

 

Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: Prey

Ronnie: Hi! You might be wondering what the hell you’re reading, because our coverage of Lois & Clark is well and truly over. We even did a post-mortem on the series. Consider this a bonus feature. Lois & Clark was meant to have a fifth season until ABC decided that ratings weren’t up to snuff
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Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: The Autopsy

Chris: Holy shit, Ronnie, we did it! Wait, what did we do? I had this idea a couple of years ago, when we were all stuck inside because of the pandemic, that it would be interesting to revisit this old shitty superhero show to see how it played in an era saturated with superhero culture.
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Deliver The Profile Episode 310: My Serial Killer Selfie Life

Here it is: Criminal Minds’ effort to interpret creepypasta in “Hashtag”. Who is the Mirror Man? If your photo has him poorly Photoshopped onto it are you marked for death? Find out in one of the dumbest Criminal Minds yet. You might recognize the line “fear this, mirror bitch” from the show’s opening theme!

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 309: DID he or DIDn’t he?

A real humdinger of an episode this week with “All That Remains”, a show so memorable Ronnie thought the podcast had already covered it. But actually there’s a lot going for it: Ken Olin (thirtysomething) wakes up to find his daughters missing…on the anniversary of his wife’s disappearance. Is he the culprit? Probably. Or is
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Deliver The Profile Episode 308: Johnny D (with Chris Ludovici)

Lois & Clark superfan Chris Ludovici (Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie) joins Ronnie on the podcast today as they discuss “Risky Business”, perhaps one of the most maliciously stupid episodes of Criminal Minds. The BAU is called in to investigate suicides that are actually the culprit of a choking website compels kids in
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Deliver The Profile Episode 307: The Nerding Hour (with Daniel Daughhetee)

Guest shots guest shots guest shots. This time Ronnie is joined by Daniel Daughhetee (Thrawnderdome) to talk about “Empty Planet”, an episode about a serial bomber whose bombings are based on obscure sci-fi literature. Who better to decode this nonsense than sci-fi nerd Daniel Daughhetee? Along the way we recommend some actual good stuff and
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Deliver The Profile Episode 306: Girlfriend 2000

JJ takes a stalking case personally–is it because she’s a girl or is there some other culprit? We learn in this episode that the bicep is the penis equivalent for network television and Ronnie recounts his disastrous viewing of My Date With Drew, a real horror show. Also, Rossi and Hotch are letting the kids
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Menom on Venom Episode 3: Venom: The Last Dance

The boys discuss the final ever until the next one Venom movie, The Last Dance. Yes, Venom dances, so really the title lives up to its promise. What else does Venom 3 have? More symbiotes, more MCU actors in non-MCU roles, a Maroon 5 song, a road trip that doesn’t really go anywhere and, of
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Deliver The Profile Episode 305: Manimal vs. Jack the Ripper (Seriously)

Not a dream! Not a hallucination! Not an imaginary story! Deliver The Profile’s victory lap culminates in revisiting two series from the show’s past: Manimal and Night Man. They’re back, and they’re together, in the Night Man episode “Manimal”. No description of the insanity that unfolds will do it justice so why don’t you click
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Deliver The Profile: Kino Korner: Road House

Ronnie and Jazz spend nearly two hours dissecting the one, the only Road House. The ONLY Road House. When fat and tough were indistinguishable, a bouncer’s natural enemy was a John Cassavetes staple, and Sam Elliott was a hard trodden 45 year old. Play us out, Jeff Healey Band!

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 303: Bailey Beer

Here it is, it’s finally here: the season finale of Criminal Minds: Evolution Part Deux. Who will live? Who will die? Whose fate will be called into question despite the fact that we know no principal cast member is going to die at this juncture? In “Save The Children”, the Gold Stars kidnap Prentiss and
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Deliver The Profile Episode 302: Bingo Royale

Ronnie and Jazz discuss the penultimate episode of Season 17, “Stars and Stripes”, the new Crow movie (which bombed so badly it’s already out of theatres by the time this description is being written), Glover and more. “Stars and Stripes” introduces new villains such as “pedophile mercenary” and “black girl who’s shot in the head
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Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Toy Story”/”The Family Hour”

Chris: Well folks, here it is at last. After three years and something like fifty entries, we’ve come to the end of Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie. It’s not the actual end, because we’re going to have a wrap-up piece that’s more broadly about the whole show, and we’re gonna write other stuff
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Deliver The Profile Episode 301: Jillian and Rossi Sitting In A Tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G

Scandalous! In one of the shortest podcasts in years, Ronnie and Jazz dissect “North Star”, episode 8 of this bullshit season 17. Rossi and Gideon’s ex-wife kiss! Something happens to Damien! We meet Voit’s lawyer, and he’s played by a Shield alum! You’ll find out why this podcast is under an hour because that’s about
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Deliver The Profile Episode 300: Piran-haha

It’s episode 300, something neither of the hosts recognized while recording, so prepare to be disappointed if you’re expecting fanfare. What do we have? Well, there’s a guy melting dudes in his basement. You know shit is real when the episode begins with a “Viewer discretion is advised” screen. What else happens? Oh yeah, convicted
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Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Voice From The Past”/”I’ve Got You Under My Skin”

Ronnie: I believe this marks the last of long form storytelling from Lois & Clark, as the Leslie Luckaby ‘saga’ ends here. Oh, right, I should probably offer some context. Lois & Clark stopped spinning its wheels long enough to approach competence and it’s weird. Last time we left our heroes, they found out their
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Deliver The Profile Episode 299: Episode 420

JJ and Prentiss get high in “Message in a Bottle”, one of the dumbest hours this show has ever delivered us. Not since “Eyes Wide Shut” has marijuana been portrayed so poorly. But at least there’s other plot, such as Tyler running afoul of an ex-girlfriend and David Rossi cleaning a gun.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 298: The History of Quibi

Jazz is sick (again), explaining the delay in the DTP spigot. Fear not, though, the boys are back and ready to talk about “Conspiracy vs. Theory”, the halfway point of Season 17 of Criminal Minds. Psycho Pete returns, Voit joins some sort of Suicide Squad, Politico cares about Paget Brewster beating up Paul F. Tompkins,
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Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Faster Than A Speeding Vixen”/”Shadow Of A Doubt”

Chris: Didn’t we already do this? I could have sworn… Last season, right? The VR one? Am I making this up? Am I having a stroke? I smell toast, do you smell toast? What year is it? Hello, hi, and welcome to what I hope is another edition of Lois & Clark & Chris &
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Deliver The Profile Episode 297: Dried Up, Tied and Dead to the World

Eyes are still being taken out in “Kingdom of the Blind”, episode 4 of the interminable slog that is Criminal Minds: Evolution: Season 2. This time the enucleator draws little tattoos on herself after committing the act, like Mr. Zsasz. Unlike Mr. Zsasz, nobody even approaching Alan Grant or Norm Breyfogle’s talent level is working
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Deliver The Profile Episode 296: Waifu Reid

Remember when Voit whispered something to Alvez and it pissed him off something fierce? Well, we find out what it is and it involves porn. Of the BAU. Rossi steamrolling Elle Greenaway while Reid wanks off in the corner. Presumably. There’s also a guy who kills people on moving day. As someone who’s moved multiple
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Deliver The Profile Episode 295: The Dope Show

They said it couldn’t be done. Yes, it’s TWO Criminal Minds recaps in one podcast! Ronnie and Jazz burned the midday oil for YOU, the listener, so YOU could be up to date on the comings and goings of the BAU in Season 17: Evolution 2: Electric Boogaloo. Sicarius the serial killer is in custody,
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Deliver The Profile Episode 294: Goobers for Gubler

Send in the clowns! Yes, Virginia, Criminal Minds did a fucking clown episode, and it’s spectacular. Or stupid. One of those. A clown is killing men and leaving the kids alone, reversing the Pennywise paradigm popularized in Stephen King’s child pornography book. What results is a cautionary tale about the death of the American Dream
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Deliver The Profile Episode 293: Good Grief

Gubler Month continues with “Alchemy”, a not very subtle episode that depicts different kinds of grief. One kind kills men in some ill-fated fertility experiment. The other involves dancing inside your own mind.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 292: Bud Cort

This week: child abduction! Sparkle Motion from Donnie Darko and Bud Cort take kids from carnivals and do…something to them. Not what you think, though! Also: Ann Cusack overcomes  a drinking problem and Morgan acts like a dick. “Mosley Lane”, everyone! Directed by the Gube himself.

 

Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Lois & Clarks”/”…aka Superman”

Ronnie: Hello hello and welcome back to yet another Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie, a series of comical critique articles of a show barely anybody remembers for understandable reasons. Last time on The Clark, Tempus was elected president via mind control subterfuge and immediately started making Superman’s life hell. Last episode ended on
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Deliver The Profile Episode 291: Cradle 2 Tha Grave

In “Cradle to Grave”, some guy is forcing women to bear his child in a sexual dungeon. Just as important is Hotch training Morgan to take his job now that he’s too Reaper-spooked to do it effectively. Season 5, y’all.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 290: More Like The Food Replicator

In “The Replicator”, the Replicator finally stands revealed. Is it disappointing? You better BELIEVE IT.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 289: Hermanos

This week Hotch has to bail his shitbag brother out of trouble as he’s involved in some tainted wine scandal. Look, the only reason we’re doing “Brothers Hotchner” is it leads directly into the Season 8 finale that botches the Replicator overarching storyline. Get ready for a lot of eye bleeding.

 

Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie: “Sex, Lies and Videotape”/”Meet John Doe”

Chris: Alright you fucking millennials, turn off your Tiktoks, put down that vape pen, and close the Instawhatever update on this week’s newest gender pronouns. Uncle Chris is here to tell you a story about ancient history. How ancient, you ask? This story is about a time so long ago that not only does it
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Deliver The Profile Episode 288: Nursing A Grudge

The Replicator “saga” kicks into high gear with “Carbon Copy”, a case about a guy killing nurses and removing their eyelids…replicating the very signature of the blood painting guy from last episode. Zugs get zwanged, Scott Grimes shows up and Criminal Minds proves that the wrongly accused are just criminals that haven’t committed crimes yet.
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Deliver The Profile Episode 287: #notalljanitors

Leap into Season 8 with “Magnum Opus”, an episode about Reid grieving his fake phone girlfriend getting real murdered by Dawn from Buffy the best way he knows how: by solving a serial case that may or may not involve a vampire. All the team knows is somebody in San Francisco is killing people, draining
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Deliver The Profile Episode 286: Odo!

To Season 7 we go with “Self-Fulfilling Prophecy”, which is about a mass suicide at a military academy run by the guy who played Odo on Star Trek. There’s some bullying involved, but surprisingly no child molestation, so credit to Criminal Minds. This one is loose so buckle in!

 

Deliver The Profile: Kino Korner: Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire

Bustin’ makes me feel vaguely depressed! Ronnie and Jazz suffer through the fifth Ghostbusters movie, which has like five jokes in it. Why is there a talking ghost girl, and why are the ramifications of that swept aside in favor of an undercooked lesbian coming of age subplot? Does Bill Murray actively want to die
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Deliver The Profile Episode 285: Courtney

Season 14 is over…for now. “Sick and Evil” is about haunted houses, a woman heavily invested in her Maine town’s “lore” (don’t CALL IT THAT), and Rossi still smarts from getting his ass kicked by the Chameleon. More slop from the CBS trough that your inteprid hosts have to pore through for the sake of
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Deliver The Profile Episode 284: Lookbook

In “Ashley”, misbegotten main character Ashley Seaver does NOT return. Instead it’s some missing child Season 14 bullshit. Ah, c’est la vie.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 283: The Twenty Seven Club

Season 14 rolls on with “Twenty Seven”, an episode about machete murders in DC that occur every 27 minutes. Is it stupid or is someone trying to make a dumbass point? Both! Meanwhile, Prentiss gets the least charismatic love interest ever. Good thing we cover these out of order so we already know this romance
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Deliver The Profile: Kino Korner: Madame Web

It’s time to stare at the sun, by which we mean return to watching Sony’s Spider-Man without Spider-Man movies.

 

Deliver The Profile Episode 282: Another Evil Kid

I guess the episode title spoils the twist. Oops. Otherwise it’s a pretty typical Criminal Minds episode, which is to say it’s not good. And there’s a Garcia subplot. Why even live anymore.