Ronnie: It’s a busy week for Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie, as we have to contend with the world of magic as well as the world of computer viruses. But first, Superman interacts with geese in a new low for the show’s already stretched thin special effects budget. In suburbia, two kids find a crate with “open the lid and step inside and you’ll go on a magic ride” emblazoned atop it and one of them decides to go in. The hitch this time is that it’s a poor kid who disappears into the box, fucking up the up until now successful blackmail scheme in which a ne’er-do-well magician nabs a rich kid and coerces the parents to pony up with a ransom. Poor kid, what, there’s gonna be a GoFundMe? Fuck that, this is the 90s, we couldn’t crowdsource miracles yet.

Since I guess I’m the “Cat Grant fan” of the two of us I’ll cover her subplot, such as it is. She shows up at the staff meeting all dowdy’d up, causing Jimmy to remark the fireable offense that she reminds him of “a librarian fantasy I had once”. Her unusual manner of dress is explained as trying to impress Arthur Chow, a man richer than Lex Luthor, who’s actually been mentioned before in a neat morsel of continuity for the series. She’s attending Chow’s charity function, and this relates to the plot of “Illusions of Grandeur” because said function takes place at The Magic Club. Like in the 80s with comedy clubs, in the 90s you couldn’t spit without hitting a magic club.

There’s a bevy of guest appearances in “Illusions”, from Ben Vereen (Roots) to Comedy Central spokesman and libertarian Penn Jillette (Hackers). I think it’s to create an element of whodunnit but it seems to be stunt casting to me. And where’s Teller? His ask price too high? This is pretty silly stuff, especially when at the halfway mark the bad guy pulls out a watch and hypnotizes Superman. I know Supes is susceptible to magic but this is ridiculous. The voice changer the bad guy uses sorta signposts who the culprit is, which we’ll get to later.

Those Canadian geese are no joke, I can see why Superman got his ass kicked by them.

So with Superman muttering “wrong is right” and knocking over parking meters (? it’s unclear), in the clear light of day he decamps to the farm and asks advice from his parents. Martha reasons that since he was raised human, he must have the human weakness to hypnosis we all have. Remember when you had a walk with your ma and pa and talked about how to overcome hypnosis? Yeah, me neither. The villain of the piece is neither master hypnotist Ben Vereen nor flashy illusionist Penn but Penn’s beleaguered assistant, Tell–er, Constance. She has a plan involving hypnotism and a “Magic Channel” that brainwashes you by viewing it. Look, it’s stupid. But I think it’s an endearing enough stupid. What’s your mileage on this one, Chris ol’ buddy?

Chris: You know how we’re always asking when Lois & Clark were going to get around to doing an homage to the great Akira Kurosawa? Well, be careful what you wish for, because sometimes you get “Illusions of Grandeur”, the L&C spin on the classic (and my personal favorite Kurosawa film) High and Low. To be fair, L&C only takes the essential premise of the wrong kid being kidnapped, and as long as we’re picking nits, High and Low is itself an adaptation of an 87th Precinct novel called Kings Ransom. So I guess technically it’s L&C’s spin on a classic Ed McBain novel, but come on, do we really think the creators of Lois and Clark were wasting their time reading dime store drivel like Ed McBain? Get real.

Look, we keep coming back to how our tolerance for goofiness is high and our expectations for L&C hover around the level of “is this okay to have on in the background while looking at my phone”, but even I have my limits, and “Illusions of Grandeur” hit them. It’s not that “Illusions” is a particularly ridiculous or egregious episode of television, it doesn’t have the looney toon plotting of “Smart Kids” or the cringey shenanigans of the “Pheromone, My Lovely”, but what it’s also lacking is much of anything interesting at all. At least those two episodes had verve and energy, they both swung for the fences, and you gotta respect that. Even if “Smart Kids” was a home run in the ball bounces off the fielder’s head and over the fence kind of way and  “Pheromone” ended up missing the ball completely and falling on it’s ass from the force of the whiff, they were singular and memorable. I watched “Illusions” earlier this week and, outside of Superman walking down the street mumbling to himself and punching out parking meters, I’m hard pressed to recall much of anything about it.

The banana symbolizes a penis in case you didn’t get that.

It all just felt so half assed and lazy, like no one had any real idea what to do that week and so just kind of stalled and bullshitted until time was called and they could cut to the credits. Take the Superman cold open, we’ve both enjoyed the gonzo free spirited quality of many of the pre-credit Superman appearances right? Watch Superman play baseball with himself Bugs Bunny style! Watch him learn how to hit a driver from Phil Mickelson! Etc! They’re playful and self contained and don’t really have anything to do with anything that comes next. They’re fun! But they also tend to have, you know, a beginning, middle, and ending, like a scene might. This week, we see Superman flying through the sky, feet first, hands behind his back, as if he were lying back on a recliner (like an asshole), when he runs into some ducks or geese or whatever and… nothing. That’s the end. We cut to two kids playing in the yard behind a mansion when they find a mysterious box and we’re off to the races. Not only does Superman’s appearance not play into the larger plot (as usual) it doesn’t play into anything. There’s no set up or pay-off of any kind related to that little sequence. It’s just a thing that’s happening, until it isn’t anymore.

What makes it irritating is there was some material there that could have been made into something resembling an episode of television. Like the fact that the assistant was the bad guy, she turns evil out of anger that (apparently) no one wants to see a Lady Magician, right? Couldn’t that plot have been linked up with Cat having to pretend to be a straight laced lady to trick the rich guy into marrying her? Those plots are almost related. Women who are forced to be something they aren’t in order to exist in a man’s world. With just the slightest effort they could have been tied to together thematically, but no one seemed to give enough of a fuck to bother. Maybe the evil assistant could have been so focused on fooling Superman and framing Penn, she could have underestimated Lois’s capabilities and she could have saved the day this week. That way the assistant would have been guilty of the same sort of chauvinistic thinking she was victimized by. It could have been ironic, Ronnie! Ironic! Or, I guess we could just finish up early for the day and beat the traffic. That’s a thing we could do too. I wanna get to the Jimmy/Perry subplot too, but I see I’ve used up all my time. I guess I remembered more than I thought.

The “So You’re Susceptible To Magic” walk and talk.

Ronnie: The Jimmy/Perry thing seemed like a tumor from when this was a more comedic episode as opposed to whatever this is being. Essentially. Perry is hypnotized into saying “that’s brilliant, Jimmy”, whenever Jimmy says the word “chief”. At first it’s cute that Jimmy’s using it to get past stories that would be deemed tabloid trash, but it grates and eventually the show acknowledges it grates when Jimmy gets sick of it too. It’s too much in an overstuffed episode and we could’ve found another way for Jimmy to reckon with his lack of respect in the office than something premised on the fact that hypnosis is real and it works. When it isn’t and it doesn’t.

Chris: It’s just so wild to me that the arc is that Jimmy invades Perry’s subconscious in order to get his approval and when Clark finds out about it he’s all like this is bad Jimmy, and Perry’s gonna be pissed when he figures out what’s up, but then he doesn’t and so he isn’t. There’s no real consequence or lesson Jimmy learns other than, do whatever, just don’t get caught? I guess? I suppose Jimmy getting tired of the counterfeit praise is something, but it’s really slim pickins, moral wise. Mostly he just gets away with it.

That’s how I look whenever I hear one of his dumbass libertarian arguments.

Odds & Ends:

-Later, Lois takes a look at Cat’s outfit and says “Princess Di have a garage sale?”
-There’s some decent jokes in here. Clark says of Penn Gillette, “look, it’s Darrin Romick, the greatest illusionist alive” Lois: “Now, how do you know that?” Clark: “It says so right here” [points to pamphlet] -Penn: “Tricks? Dogs do tricks. I do illusions.” Chris especially liked this line because it reminded him of Gob in Arrested Development.
-Constance, the villain of the episode, is portrayed by Marietta DePrima. Marietta DePrima is married to George Newbern. George Newbern voiced Superman on Justice League and Justice League Unlimited.

A lot of…something…is going to happen to the United States if Superman doesn’t stop whatever this is!

Chris: Diminished expectations pay off again! After the frankly baffling “Illusions of Grandeur”, this week’s “Ides of Metropolis” seems positively brilliant for merely being competent. See how the two main plots both have distinct beginnings, middles and endings and also reflect two different perspectives on the same dilemma? And how that dilemma is also centered in our two protagonists and their continually evolving relationship? It’s genius, Ronnie! GENIUS! Or, if not genius, at least it’s cohesive and not actively confusing. I’ll take what I can get.

So there’s this computer programmer who’s convicted for murdering his boss. Why? Well the boss was an abusive tyrant, plus the programmer was having an affair with his wife. You put them together and it’s an open and shut case. But Lois doesn’t believe it, and when the programmer computer hacks his way out of the courthouse Lois becomes his hostage and then accomplice in clearing his name. Meanwhile Jonathan Kent is in town, convinced that Martha is having an affair with a younger man in her art class. His evidence consists of a nude painting of Martha done by said classmate, which he shows to Clark. Not cool, Jonathan.

The programmer says it was the wife who killed her husband, and he’s just covering for her, the wife says the programmer did it to protect her from her husband’s wrath. Clark’s dad is saying his mom is cheating, his mom says she isn’t. Not all of these stories can be true, but how can Lois and Clark figure out which is which? It’s all about trust, see? Trust and faith. Sexual and otherwise. Is it okay to cheat if your spouse is an abusive monster? Should you trust your loving spouse when they say they aren’t cheating despite what your lying eyes tell you? Do you trust your partner with a secret that makes him complicit in a crime? Do you trust your partner when she trusts a fugitive’s story and puts herself in harm’s way in an effort to clear his name? Or do you turn it all over to the very authorities that may have gotten it wrong the first time? This is meaty shit that L&C mostly just gums at, but that’s better than nothing. And there’s no violence to geese or hypnosis so progress!

The future is here!

Also Lex is back! And, as always, he’s a delight. He’s still in the role of passive observer here, less The Man Behind the Man and more The Man Watching It All Unfold. It suits him, gives him opportunities to preen and pontificate without having to be defeated or humbled by Superman. There’s a terrific scene with Lex, Lois, and Clark that begins with Lex skeet shooting off the balcony of his office. When Clark asks him what would happen if he were to miss one of the clay skeet being launched out over the densely populated city, Lex does some quick math and makes a dire prediction for whomever the skeet should happen to hit. But, he reminds Clark, it’s all academic because he never misses. That’s the kind of hubris, recklessness and genius that Lex should always embody, don’t you think Ronnie?

Ronnie: Lex is a real highlight of the series, which is why I can see he appears as often as he does even if it undercuts his menace. I’d like to see more of him in this mood, where he is tangentially related at best but is just going about his day, whether that involves skeet shooting off a building at night or not. I love how that runner ended, with him and Tony Jay going like, well, time to get the lawyers. I’m reminded of Carol Kane getting clocked by Elaine’s organizer on Seinfeld. Of course, nearly everything reminds me of Seinfeld so that might not be the greatest example. But more of this from Lex–he’s definitely more entertaining as an irascible side character as opposed to the mastermind behind all of Superman’s ills.

The possible end of your parents’ marriage is definitely a conversation for sleeves, Clark.

The episode itself is pretty mediocre and ironically wouldn’t be out of place on Murder, She Wrote if not for all the computer junk details in there. The plot is complex without being compelling and there’s again not a whole lot that says this is Lois & Clark. Man loves woman, man is accused of killing woman’s husband, man turns out to be a sap taking the rap for a husband and woman who are in cahoots to do some 90s computer garbage I don’t care about. It is interesting to see how far Lois will go for a story (the answer: pretty far!) but that’s about it. “The Ides of Metropolis” features some truly heinous computer jargon I won’t dignify by transcribing, but it wouldn’t be out of place in the nonsense I routinely hear on Criminal Minds.

As always, I am interested in anything that gives us more Ma and Pa Kent, even if the subplot used to provide it is a bit…iffy. I mean, we know from the jump that Ma isn’t fooling around with someone else. They’re not those type of characters you do that type of story with, just as you wouldn’t have Mickey Mouse hire a lady of the evening to stamp on his balls with stiletto high heels. That said, as an examination of their relationship it’s not too shabby. Ma, despite her age and the conservatism we associate with women who look like her, doesn’t want to stop trying new things and Pa will just have to deal with it. I like it. It keeps the characters from being fossils who show up to throw homilies at Clark. Now, do I necessarily want to see a nude portrait of K. Callahan? Jury’s out on that one. What say you? You want to see it?

Clark uses his powers to let his dad show this guy up because, you know, fuck him. How dare he emasculate my old man!

Chris: I think I saw enough. The portrait seemed both well rendered and dignified, but I admit it left me wondering just what Martha’s relationship with her classmate was. My guess is, the classmate was originally going to be revealed as gay, and it got nixxed by ABC, so instead we have this hazy relationship and more questions than answers. Martha says they “had a few cups of coffee”, are we to think she was considering being unfaithful and that was as far as it went? If it was always benign, why didn’t she tell Jonathan about it? Because it seemed like this was all something Jonathan stumbled across and misinterpreted. If that’s the case, then I have to say Martha kind of bungled the whole thing. If my wife started secretly hanging out with a dude and ended up letting him paint her in the nude, I’d have some questions too. And, like, how was Martha going to explain the painting to Jonathan? Because he was going to see it eventually, right? Was it supposed to be a surprise anniversary gift or something? How did Martha envision all this going down and what was she planning to say when whatever it was happened? Inquiring minds want to know.

I agree with your desire to see Lex as a consistent irritant instead of lethal foe and, in keeping with our favorite show, would have loved to see him as the Newman to Clark’s Jerry. Clark could be fighting Toyman or whoever and have to deal with Jimmy and Lex making sausage in his kitchen. The episode where Lex and Perry get locked into an endless game of Risk that Superman has to referee writes itself. The problem with L&C (well, one of the problems) is that it wants to have it both ways with Lex. He’s simultaneously a dangerous psychopath willing to slaughter as many people as necessary to get his way and a li’l stinker you can’t help but love. Of the two, I prefer the latter, I think it fits the chummy hang out vibe the show sometimes handles really well. But I also just have a soft spot for the weirdo Superman/Lex relationships. Hell, the only thing I really enjoyed about Smallville was the idea that Lex was constantly trying to get Clark laid.

As for the plot, it’s really remarkable how uninterested this show is in Superman as a character. If the line on Snyder’s flicks was that he actively hated Superman, this show can barely muster the energy to acknowledge him at all. I understand that the budget and effects made it impossible for them to show him, like, throwing trains around and stuff, but it’s like you said with the Murder, She Wrote comparrison in that this plot could be for practically any hour long show from that era. We get a little Superman specific action with him racing to stop, like, a computer virus? There’s a monitor with a little map of the country and three glowing spots across it, and Superman had to race from place to place and put a disc in a computer and stop the virus, and he had to get to all three for some reason. So the glowing spots were all red (bad) and he eventually turns them blue (Superman) and that fixes whatever was going on? I think? Honestly though, I’m not sure why a modem couldn’t have done the same job and maybe even done it more quickly.

Ronnie: 90s computer stuff is always a bit rough to watch in retrospect, as well as quaint, but this was just mind numbing. Anyway. This brings our coverage to a close so here’s a tease for next week’s pairing of episodes: David Warner and Bo Jackson. One of those two plays Superman’s biological father, and I’m not telling you who. Also, the recently deceased Dean Stockwell plays a role. The sky is empty, for all the stars are on Lois & Clark.

Odds & Ends:

-This pairing of episodes’ directors, Michael Watkins & Philip Sgriccia, directed the second episode ever of Smallville, “Metamorphosis”. Why two directors were credited for one piece of shit WB show is beyond me.
-Seinfeld alum tracker: 0. I miss Seinfeld alums.
-Lex bullshit hobby of the episode: skyscraper skeet shooting, during the day and at night
-”Forgive me, chief, I’m just not in the mood for another Elvis yarn.”