Come last New Year, NetFlix added three seasons of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit to Watch Instantly. This would be welcome news if not for the fact that it coincides with removing four seasons from there, leaving an image of Mariska Hargitay and Christopher Meloni promoting episodes produced immediately after Meloni’s departure. I suppose a photo of Benson holding up a baby with a word balloon containing the text “finally, my life has meaning, as only can motherhood make a woman a complete person” would not entice the curious. I’ve mentioned before that SVU became more character focused from Season 13 on, lending more screentime to the detectives’ personal lives than ever before. The episode I’m forcing myself through this time is a great example of that, going above and beyond by delving into the personal life of a guest character and making her just as plagued with issues as everyone else. At this point I’m afraid to watch an episode expecting some classic ripped from the headlines gibberish only to find myself learning about the Zach Grenier judge character’s problems accepting his daughter’s homosexuality or Ken Briscoe’s undisclosed heroin addiction or whatever the fuck. “Secrets Exhumed” sees Marcia Gay Harden reprising her FBI agent Dana Lewis character who’s best known for getting Stabler shot or exploded every episode in which she appears. Well, Stabler threw himself off a railing to make sure Beecher stayed in prison for life, so now they’ll have to give her a new thing to do. Everyone, even guest characters, needs more baggage in the new regime’s SVU. She was once raped in retaliation orchestrated by the Neo-Nazis. So what? For SVU characters, rape is like breadsticks. Yeah, they’re great, but it’s not a meal. Hell, Benson’s backstory is basically unlimited breadsticks.
Our tale begins with Ice-T bitching about having to move to a new desk. Yeah, I don’t get it either, maybe it’s SVU‘s attempt to give his character a subplot. By the end of Season 14 he’s accepted his new desk and replies “nah”, when Benson asks if he still wants the framed photograph of his old desk. Cast someone like Zeljko Ivanek as the desk and I think you’ve got a pretty decent subplot going. Cragen doesn’t want to hear any complaints about the arbitrary desk relocation edict, telling his subordinates to accept change, which I find pretty amusing considering a first season episode said detectives at SVU are rotated out every 2 years because of the overwhelming burnout rate and 4 out of 6 main characters have been there for over a decade. Five Spider-Man movies have been made during Benson’s stint there! Munch pops in from Cold Cases and it’s that point in the series that I don’t remember when Munch’s absences have explanations behind them or fuck it, reassign some wry one-liners to Danny Pino and save some goddamn money. Before both departed in Season 15, either Cragen or Munch appeared in an episode but almost never both. One old white guy of higher authority than the other characters is enough, apparently. Seeing them in the same episode, the same scene, had me thinking a Ron Silver in Timecop was going to happen. It didn’t, to my chagrin. Anyway, Munch has matched DNA from a 1987 rape/murder to a black guy in Miami who just finished up his 3 month cocaine possession sentence. A black man in Florida charged with cocaine possession doesn’t get 3 months, he gets the chair, but I’ll be here all day if I poke holes in the reality of SVU.
“Oz. That’s the name on the street for the Oswald Maximum Security Peni–“
“No, sorry, Harold. Wrong show.”
When they get to Maimi, who do the cops run into but Dana Lewis, who like she always does tries to commandeer the investigation. You know something I never get tired of? Jurisdictional squabbles. I mean, talk about scintillating drama! There’s two twists to this criminal: one, he’s Augustus Hill of Oz fame; two, he’s in a wheelchair like he was on Oz. This is at least the second time SVU‘s pulled the “boy, it’s dramatic irony that you raped women and now you’re paralyzed from the waist down” shit in its history; dramatic irony isn’t the show’s strong suit. (I also like how no one knows he’s paralyzed until they see him. Wouldn’t it be in his prison file? Someday I hope they pick up a recently released criminal only to find out he became a lizard-man during his sentence. “Leaping lizards!” quips Munch, CUT TO OPENING CREDITS.) Otherwise, Benson would be shot to death by a criminal who indulges in a condescending whisper or Cragen would be smushed by a heat rock. Back in New York, the cops try to get Augustus Hill to cop to the five rape/murders. There’s no job quite as thankless and pathetic as assistant equipment manager to a fake professional basketball team (Atlanta Barons), and he apparently parlayed “I personally handle all of fake Dominique Wilkins’ jocks” into an opportunity to rape. After Benson drops a killer bus accident karma line, Augustus Hill throws in the towel (that’s a golf term, I believe) and tries to expedite the proceedings. Yeah, yeah, did those four chicks, “me and the ladies…just never work out”. Ho ho, you got THAT right, Hill!
But there’s one rape/murder that doesn’t fit with the rest of the women: one of them didn’t like basketball and would never fucking meet a stranger in a bar and have sex with them. So say her parents, and so says our crippled rapist, who proclaims “she’s not even my type! Red hair? I didn’t do her!”. Incontrovertible testimony. There had to be a twist or else the episode would’ve been over in 12 minutes. Man, remember how sometimes in school class would end early for whatever reason? That was fantastic, and I never get that with this fucking show. Squabble squabble squabble, Lewis and SVU alternate in trying to break the guy. Eventually Hill caves just because he’s tired of being in the interrogation room. Later on “Secrets Exhumed” will show this as bad policework, but I’m pretty the SVU cast has gotten a confession through those means approximately 35 times before. Stabler literally fed suspects knuckle sandwiches until the ACLU deemed them dangerously nutrient deficient.
“Someone replaced the evidence with Tape 2 of ‘The Best of Jefferson Starship’?”
The victory is shortlived when none other than Dutch from The Shield appears, playing redhead Kira’s fiance. The thing I noticed about him immediately is that fucker took his wheeled suitcase to the precinct. As modern day philosopher Super Hans once said, “A suitcase with wheels? Real men don’t get the earth to carry their luggage for them, mate. They carry it themselves”. He knows Dana, and later he tells Amaro they dated on and off, him breaking things off with her when Kira got knocked up. I think you can see where this is going, and if you don’t, you need to study hacky writing a bit more. I recommend not having a job and watching TNT for three afternoons a week and USA for three other afternoons a week. Amaro is convinced Dana Lewis is either the murderer or the accomplice/co-conspirator, while the other characters dismiss this in a meta fashion. Think of all the crazy adventures they’ve had with her! She can’t be a secret murderer! Can’t we just pin it on the black guy? Still, Cragen and Benson acquiesce to Spooky Amaro’s wild theory and corral her into an interrogation room. I love how they keep saying Hill’s pissing and shitting himself to stall Lewis from thinking something’s up. If he really were shitting himself, Cragen would tell Ice-T to fit him with a new diaper.
“I signed up for Fifty Shades of Grey?!”
There’s still a good 15 minutes left, so Benson wastes time in a sourpuss off with Marcia Gay Harden while Amaro grills Dutch for additional information and Ice-T and Kelli Giddish justify their weekly paycheck by extracting some exposition from a black character actor on another set. You might think the interrogation between Benson and Lewis would be a formidable, because they’re old colleagues and both good at what they do, but really it consists of Benson introducing information and Lewis doing variations on “I don’t recall”. Just because it worked for Ronnie Raygun doesn’t mean it’ll work for you. Amaro drops the A-bomb on her, in this instance meaning ‘abortion’ and Marcia Gay Harden loses it. The motive begins to crystallize. She wanted a family with Dutch, Dutch didn’t, and Dutch made her get an abortion. Southern accent means she’s pro-life. Couple of months later the motherfucker finds out another girl he’s been schtupping (RIP Jerry Orbach) is preggers so he puts a ring on it. The lady’s finger, not the fetus, that’d be gross. The contradiction puts Lewis in a fugue state and she kills her. I find it hard to believe that even 25 years ago Dutch was such a player. Jay Karnes isn’t Clint Howard-esque, but you’ve got my suspension of disbelief at the breaking point.
They never say whether or not Augustus Hill killed the dog in that photo too, but regardless that pooch is long, long dead.
Okay, it’s bad enough that Special Victims Unit throws away a character for seemingly no reason beyond “shocking twist lol”, but Benson psychoanalyzing Marcia Gay Harden as the sourpuss cracks into crying made me want to throw a bottle of coconut body wash through my fucking TV. You know why Dana Lewis went undercover so often? It wasn’t for facile reasons like “it’s her job” or “she’s good at it” or “again, it’s her job”. No, Dr. Benson intuits Lewis wanted to escape herself, much like Jerry and George’s ill-fated mustache growing effort that was to be “a vacation from ourselves”. I wonder how many other FBI agents’ exemplary field work is just a mask for the guilt they feel over quarter century old murders. Hell is being monologued at by Mariska Hargitay in her trademark raspy whisper. That could be a new game show on NBC. If you can last 15 minutes, you get a new Honda. If you can’t, you get the sweet release of suicide. Gotta be better than whatever shit they’re shoveling out for midseason. So Cragen announces that Lewis is under arrest and Benson is left to ponder the conundrum of a colleague who pointed out their similarities murdering someone because she was baby crazy. If you’re a woman, you either find a way to have a baby or you’ll become a murderous psychopath. That’s why in a couple seasons she adopts Baby Noah! It’s either that or going on a killing spree.
Doesn’t it seem weird that the episode never mentions how Lewis has a devoted husband and two children? Continuity’s never been the show’s strong suit – the show’s strong suit is righteous indignation and overacting – but they do dredge up that time she got raped as revenge for her killing the Neo-Nazi leader’s son in a courtroom shootout. Perhaps those characters were wiped from existence during that episode where Jeffries came back and tried to remake the universe so sexual assault never happened. [See Season 12, Episode 5: “Zero Hour”! – Ed. …who is also Ronnie Gardocki] It doesn’t matter because if the character’s history informs the episode or it’s all washed away, the thing still blows. There’s no mystery and it makes everyone look like an idiot. Sure, most SVU include the plot point “everyone looks like an idiot”, but a brilliant FBI agent should take more than 5 minutes to crack. Anyway, this raises the question of which supporting character will be offed/disgraced next. B.D. Wong = Zodiac Killer? WHY NOT!
“Hi, I’m Jay Karnes. Someone ordered some well-delivered bemusement with dipping sauces?”
The episode’s main plot isn’t so hot, but I do love the undercurrent of Cragen never letting Ice-T catch a break. The captain really has it in for the guy it seems. For instance, when Cragen says somebody will have to go to Miami to pick up Augustus Hill (because I guess US Marshals don’t transport prisoners between jurisdictions anymore?) Ice-T volunteers, as he spent time undercover there. Nope, fuck you, Ice-T, the white people are going to Miami. Then he has to go interview a dude all the way out on Staten Island, New York City’s clingy yet resentful cousin. I’m beginning to think Cragen didn’t retire because he was literally getting too old for this shit but because he treated his African-American subordinates like garbage. Despite Munch finally returning, he doesn’t do anything and doesn’t so much as mention the time Dana Lewis prevented him from being murdered by Neo-Nazis. Rollins is as essential to the narrative is on par with Criminal Minds‘ J.J. in just about any episode. At best “Secrets Exhumed” establishes Amaro the newbie sees right through these guest stars and Olivia must grapple with another woman and baby equation. “Women x Baby + x = Personal Fulfillment/y. Solve for personal fulfillment? What the hell?”
This is a dour hour of television, free of the wackiness peak SVU achieves that thus creates worthwhile television. So I took what I could get, one of my many failed New Years resolutions is to be more positive in my outlook and that shall be reflected in Law & Ordocki. I enjoyed the continued “of course she didn’t like sports, she’s from Vermont!” lines of dialogue from those who knew Kira, evidence that Augustus Hill couldn’t have killed her. Did these people not know Bernie Sanders co-founded the ABA and was the one who decided the red, white and blue basketball was the way to go? T.J. Sorrentine posters still pepper many a Slovenian child’s walls! I also do appreciate there was no huge jerk off moment where Danny Pino goes to Cold Case and haha, get it, he starred on Cold Case for too many years. But there has to be one of those in some episode during Danny Pino’s tenure, right? Either that or an allusion to his dislike of putting his face on a stovetop grill. Third thing I liked: continual Soviet-esque erasure of Stabler from show history. Stabler got into trouble every time Lewis showed up and she doesn’t so much as ask “why is Stabler younger and Latino now?”. I take that back – I’d give the show credit if it erased Meloni from photographs and sent assassins to Mexico to icepick him in the head. Instead it’s more like a bitchy ex-lover burning out their former partner out of photographs with cigarettes and pretending the new fuckboy’s always been here.
“I guess being a loveless spinster means I won’t be arrested for any cold crimes of passion! Advantage: Olivia!”
I’m certainly not precious about the character, or any of the characters really, since this has never been a strictly “good” show. But still, it feels utterly pointless to take a recurring guest star and then write them into a jail cell all for the sake of…I don’t even know what. The show’s never going to end so there’s no reason to wrap up loose ends and close off character arcs. Whenever Dana Lewis showed up in an episode, it was an event of sorts. Something was going to explode, there’d be secret Nazis, etc. Unless it’s the final season and you want to send off remembered recurring characters, why bother to turn her into a jealous silly girl who built a 25 year FBI career over a murder about someone else slobbin’ Dutch Wagenbach’s knob? I’m reminded of when Elisabeth Rohm the Roblonde left the show; supposedly, Dick Wolf asked her if she wanted to go out like other Law & Order characters or with a bang. The choice of the latter created the infamous “is this because I’m a lesbian?” moment that will forever litter listicles with titles like “Dumbest Left Field Reveals on Television”, “Stinky Garbage We’re Almost Nostalgic For” and “Mind Blowing Mind Blows That Will Blow Your Mind…on Television”. This won’t be on any such lists. The show’s had ADAs’ throats slit, a character in the opening credits arrested for murder, a nun getting shot, probably one of the Stabler kids fell down a well offscreen…”shocking” is the norm.
“Secrets Exhumed” is a simple story made unnecessarily complex by a drip feed of background information that wastes a great actress to give Mariska Hargitay something new to scowl about before we go to black and see Schlong Jackal’s stupid fucking airport novel thriller writer/bad 80s porn star name. The entire premise rests upon a simplistic “hoist by her own petard” bullshit, in that if Lewis never butted her head into the investigation they would’ve never fingered her for the murder, because apparently Kid FBI was able to perfectly stage a murder so it looks like the latest in a series of rape/murders. Goddamn federals wouldn’t end up in prison if they just let the NYPD do their fuckin’ jobs! I’d say shame on the gerbils who wrote the episode, but if they had capacity for shame they wouldn’t write for Special Victims Unit in the first place.
Law & Ordocki Season 2 #2 (#13): Male Rapist Seeking Female Victims. P.S. No Redheads.
Come last New Year, NetFlix added three seasons of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit to Watch Instantly. This would be welcome news if not for the fact that it coincides with removing four seasons from there, leaving an image of Mariska Hargitay and Christopher Meloni promoting episodes produced immediately after Meloni’s departure. I suppose a photo of Benson holding up a baby with a word balloon containing the text “finally, my life has meaning, as only can motherhood make a woman a complete person” would not entice the curious. I’ve mentioned before that SVU became more character focused from Season 13 on, lending more screentime to the detectives’ personal lives than ever before. The episode I’m forcing myself through this time is a great example of that, going above and beyond by delving into the personal life of a guest character and making her just as plagued with issues as everyone else. At this point I’m afraid to watch an episode expecting some classic ripped from the headlines gibberish only to find myself learning about the Zach Grenier judge character’s problems accepting his daughter’s homosexuality or Ken Briscoe’s undisclosed heroin addiction or whatever the fuck. “Secrets Exhumed” sees Marcia Gay Harden reprising her FBI agent Dana Lewis character who’s best known for getting Stabler shot or exploded every episode in which she appears. Well, Stabler threw himself off a railing to make sure Beecher stayed in prison for life, so now they’ll have to give her a new thing to do. Everyone, even guest characters, needs more baggage in the new regime’s SVU. She was once raped in retaliation orchestrated by the Neo-Nazis. So what? For SVU characters, rape is like breadsticks. Yeah, they’re great, but it’s not a meal. Hell, Benson’s backstory is basically unlimited breadsticks.
Our tale begins with Ice-T bitching about having to move to a new desk. Yeah, I don’t get it either, maybe it’s SVU‘s attempt to give his character a subplot. By the end of Season 14 he’s accepted his new desk and replies “nah”, when Benson asks if he still wants the framed photograph of his old desk. Cast someone like Zeljko Ivanek as the desk and I think you’ve got a pretty decent subplot going. Cragen doesn’t want to hear any complaints about the arbitrary desk relocation edict, telling his subordinates to accept change, which I find pretty amusing considering a first season episode said detectives at SVU are rotated out every 2 years because of the overwhelming burnout rate and 4 out of 6 main characters have been there for over a decade. Five Spider-Man movies have been made during Benson’s stint there! Munch pops in from Cold Cases and it’s that point in the series that I don’t remember when Munch’s absences have explanations behind them or fuck it, reassign some wry one-liners to Danny Pino and save some goddamn money. Before both departed in Season 15, either Cragen or Munch appeared in an episode but almost never both. One old white guy of higher authority than the other characters is enough, apparently. Seeing them in the same episode, the same scene, had me thinking a Ron Silver in Timecop was going to happen. It didn’t, to my chagrin. Anyway, Munch has matched DNA from a 1987 rape/murder to a black guy in Miami who just finished up his 3 month cocaine possession sentence. A black man in Florida charged with cocaine possession doesn’t get 3 months, he gets the chair, but I’ll be here all day if I poke holes in the reality of SVU.
“Oz. That’s the name on the street for the Oswald Maximum Security Peni–“
“No, sorry, Harold. Wrong show.”
When they get to Maimi, who do the cops run into but Dana Lewis, who like she always does tries to commandeer the investigation. You know something I never get tired of? Jurisdictional squabbles. I mean, talk about scintillating drama! There’s two twists to this criminal: one, he’s Augustus Hill of Oz fame; two, he’s in a wheelchair like he was on Oz. This is at least the second time SVU‘s pulled the “boy, it’s dramatic irony that you raped women and now you’re paralyzed from the waist down” shit in its history; dramatic irony isn’t the show’s strong suit. (I also like how no one knows he’s paralyzed until they see him. Wouldn’t it be in his prison file? Someday I hope they pick up a recently released criminal only to find out he became a lizard-man during his sentence. “Leaping lizards!” quips Munch, CUT TO OPENING CREDITS.) Otherwise, Benson would be shot to death by a criminal who indulges in a condescending whisper or Cragen would be smushed by a heat rock. Back in New York, the cops try to get Augustus Hill to cop to the five rape/murders. There’s no job quite as thankless and pathetic as assistant equipment manager to a fake professional basketball team (Atlanta Barons), and he apparently parlayed “I personally handle all of fake Dominique Wilkins’ jocks” into an opportunity to rape. After Benson drops a killer bus accident karma line, Augustus Hill throws in the towel (that’s a golf term, I believe) and tries to expedite the proceedings. Yeah, yeah, did those four chicks, “me and the ladies…just never work out”. Ho ho, you got THAT right, Hill!
But there’s one rape/murder that doesn’t fit with the rest of the women: one of them didn’t like basketball and would never fucking meet a stranger in a bar and have sex with them. So say her parents, and so says our crippled rapist, who proclaims “she’s not even my type! Red hair? I didn’t do her!”. Incontrovertible testimony. There had to be a twist or else the episode would’ve been over in 12 minutes. Man, remember how sometimes in school class would end early for whatever reason? That was fantastic, and I never get that with this fucking show. Squabble squabble squabble, Lewis and SVU alternate in trying to break the guy. Eventually Hill caves just because he’s tired of being in the interrogation room. Later on “Secrets Exhumed” will show this as bad policework, but I’m pretty the SVU cast has gotten a confession through those means approximately 35 times before. Stabler literally fed suspects knuckle sandwiches until the ACLU deemed them dangerously nutrient deficient.
“Someone replaced the evidence with Tape 2 of ‘The Best of Jefferson Starship’?”
The victory is shortlived when none other than Dutch from The Shield appears, playing redhead Kira’s fiance. The thing I noticed about him immediately is that fucker took his wheeled suitcase to the precinct. As modern day philosopher Super Hans once said, “A suitcase with wheels? Real men don’t get the earth to carry their luggage for them, mate. They carry it themselves”. He knows Dana, and later he tells Amaro they dated on and off, him breaking things off with her when Kira got knocked up. I think you can see where this is going, and if you don’t, you need to study hacky writing a bit more. I recommend not having a job and watching TNT for three afternoons a week and USA for three other afternoons a week. Amaro is convinced Dana Lewis is either the murderer or the accomplice/co-conspirator, while the other characters dismiss this in a meta fashion. Think of all the crazy adventures they’ve had with her! She can’t be a secret murderer! Can’t we just pin it on the black guy? Still, Cragen and Benson acquiesce to Spooky Amaro’s wild theory and corral her into an interrogation room. I love how they keep saying Hill’s pissing and shitting himself to stall Lewis from thinking something’s up. If he really were shitting himself, Cragen would tell Ice-T to fit him with a new diaper.
“I signed up for Fifty Shades of Grey?!”
There’s still a good 15 minutes left, so Benson wastes time in a sourpuss off with Marcia Gay Harden while Amaro grills Dutch for additional information and Ice-T and Kelli Giddish justify their weekly paycheck by extracting some exposition from a black character actor on another set. You might think the interrogation between Benson and Lewis would be a formidable, because they’re old colleagues and both good at what they do, but really it consists of Benson introducing information and Lewis doing variations on “I don’t recall”. Just because it worked for Ronnie Raygun doesn’t mean it’ll work for you. Amaro drops the A-bomb on her, in this instance meaning ‘abortion’ and Marcia Gay Harden loses it. The motive begins to crystallize. She wanted a family with Dutch, Dutch didn’t, and Dutch made her get an abortion. Southern accent means she’s pro-life. Couple of months later the motherfucker finds out another girl he’s been schtupping (RIP Jerry Orbach) is preggers so he puts a ring on it. The lady’s finger, not the fetus, that’d be gross. The contradiction puts Lewis in a fugue state and she kills her. I find it hard to believe that even 25 years ago Dutch was such a player. Jay Karnes isn’t Clint Howard-esque, but you’ve got my suspension of disbelief at the breaking point.
They never say whether or not Augustus Hill killed the dog in that photo too, but regardless that pooch is long, long dead.
Okay, it’s bad enough that Special Victims Unit throws away a character for seemingly no reason beyond “shocking twist lol”, but Benson psychoanalyzing Marcia Gay Harden as the sourpuss cracks into crying made me want to throw a bottle of coconut body wash through my fucking TV. You know why Dana Lewis went undercover so often? It wasn’t for facile reasons like “it’s her job” or “she’s good at it” or “again, it’s her job”. No, Dr. Benson intuits Lewis wanted to escape herself, much like Jerry and George’s ill-fated mustache growing effort that was to be “a vacation from ourselves”. I wonder how many other FBI agents’ exemplary field work is just a mask for the guilt they feel over quarter century old murders. Hell is being monologued at by Mariska Hargitay in her trademark raspy whisper. That could be a new game show on NBC. If you can last 15 minutes, you get a new Honda. If you can’t, you get the sweet release of suicide. Gotta be better than whatever shit they’re shoveling out for midseason. So Cragen announces that Lewis is under arrest and Benson is left to ponder the conundrum of a colleague who pointed out their similarities murdering someone because she was baby crazy. If you’re a woman, you either find a way to have a baby or you’ll become a murderous psychopath. That’s why in a couple seasons she adopts Baby Noah! It’s either that or going on a killing spree.
Doesn’t it seem weird that the episode never mentions how Lewis has a devoted husband and two children? Continuity’s never been the show’s strong suit – the show’s strong suit is righteous indignation and overacting – but they do dredge up that time she got raped as revenge for her killing the Neo-Nazi leader’s son in a courtroom shootout. Perhaps those characters were wiped from existence during that episode where Jeffries came back and tried to remake the universe so sexual assault never happened. [See Season 12, Episode 5: “Zero Hour”! – Ed. …who is also Ronnie Gardocki] It doesn’t matter because if the character’s history informs the episode or it’s all washed away, the thing still blows. There’s no mystery and it makes everyone look like an idiot. Sure, most SVU include the plot point “everyone looks like an idiot”, but a brilliant FBI agent should take more than 5 minutes to crack. Anyway, this raises the question of which supporting character will be offed/disgraced next. B.D. Wong = Zodiac Killer? WHY NOT!
“Hi, I’m Jay Karnes. Someone ordered some well-delivered bemusement with dipping sauces?”
The episode’s main plot isn’t so hot, but I do love the undercurrent of Cragen never letting Ice-T catch a break. The captain really has it in for the guy it seems. For instance, when Cragen says somebody will have to go to Miami to pick up Augustus Hill (because I guess US Marshals don’t transport prisoners between jurisdictions anymore?) Ice-T volunteers, as he spent time undercover there. Nope, fuck you, Ice-T, the white people are going to Miami. Then he has to go interview a dude all the way out on Staten Island, New York City’s clingy yet resentful cousin. I’m beginning to think Cragen didn’t retire because he was literally getting too old for this shit but because he treated his African-American subordinates like garbage. Despite Munch finally returning, he doesn’t do anything and doesn’t so much as mention the time Dana Lewis prevented him from being murdered by Neo-Nazis. Rollins is as essential to the narrative is on par with Criminal Minds‘ J.J. in just about any episode. At best “Secrets Exhumed” establishes Amaro the newbie sees right through these guest stars and Olivia must grapple with another woman and baby equation. “Women x Baby + x = Personal Fulfillment/y. Solve for personal fulfillment? What the hell?”
This is a dour hour of television, free of the wackiness peak SVU achieves that thus creates worthwhile television. So I took what I could get, one of my many failed New Years resolutions is to be more positive in my outlook and that shall be reflected in Law & Ordocki. I enjoyed the continued “of course she didn’t like sports, she’s from Vermont!” lines of dialogue from those who knew Kira, evidence that Augustus Hill couldn’t have killed her. Did these people not know Bernie Sanders co-founded the ABA and was the one who decided the red, white and blue basketball was the way to go? T.J. Sorrentine posters still pepper many a Slovenian child’s walls! I also do appreciate there was no huge jerk off moment where Danny Pino goes to Cold Case and haha, get it, he starred on Cold Case for too many years. But there has to be one of those in some episode during Danny Pino’s tenure, right? Either that or an allusion to his dislike of putting his face on a stovetop grill. Third thing I liked: continual Soviet-esque erasure of Stabler from show history. Stabler got into trouble every time Lewis showed up and she doesn’t so much as ask “why is Stabler younger and Latino now?”. I take that back – I’d give the show credit if it erased Meloni from photographs and sent assassins to Mexico to icepick him in the head. Instead it’s more like a bitchy ex-lover burning out their former partner out of photographs with cigarettes and pretending the new fuckboy’s always been here.
“I guess being a loveless spinster means I won’t be arrested for any cold crimes of passion! Advantage: Olivia!”
I’m certainly not precious about the character, or any of the characters really, since this has never been a strictly “good” show. But still, it feels utterly pointless to take a recurring guest star and then write them into a jail cell all for the sake of…I don’t even know what. The show’s never going to end so there’s no reason to wrap up loose ends and close off character arcs. Whenever Dana Lewis showed up in an episode, it was an event of sorts. Something was going to explode, there’d be secret Nazis, etc. Unless it’s the final season and you want to send off remembered recurring characters, why bother to turn her into a jealous silly girl who built a 25 year FBI career over a murder about someone else slobbin’ Dutch Wagenbach’s knob? I’m reminded of when Elisabeth Rohm the Roblonde left the show; supposedly, Dick Wolf asked her if she wanted to go out like other Law & Order characters or with a bang. The choice of the latter created the infamous “is this because I’m a lesbian?” moment that will forever litter listicles with titles like “Dumbest Left Field Reveals on Television”, “Stinky Garbage We’re Almost Nostalgic For” and “Mind Blowing Mind Blows That Will Blow Your Mind…on Television”. This won’t be on any such lists. The show’s had ADAs’ throats slit, a character in the opening credits arrested for murder, a nun getting shot, probably one of the Stabler kids fell down a well offscreen…”shocking” is the norm.
“Secrets Exhumed” is a simple story made unnecessarily complex by a drip feed of background information that wastes a great actress to give Mariska Hargitay something new to scowl about before we go to black and see Schlong Jackal’s stupid fucking airport novel thriller writer/bad 80s porn star name. The entire premise rests upon a simplistic “hoist by her own petard” bullshit, in that if Lewis never butted her head into the investigation they would’ve never fingered her for the murder, because apparently Kid FBI was able to perfectly stage a murder so it looks like the latest in a series of rape/murders. Goddamn federals wouldn’t end up in prison if they just let the NYPD do their fuckin’ jobs! I’d say shame on the gerbils who wrote the episode, but if they had capacity for shame they wouldn’t write for Special Victims Unit in the first place.
Ronnie Gardocki
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