Did you know?: Before Law & Order, Dann Florek lived in the Galapagos.

There’s an inherent problem with Law & Order: Special Victims Unit addressing specific issues in an episode. The show is awful at original stories, and the “ripped from the headlines” formula especially grates when they decide to try out something completely unrelated to sex crimes. I don’t understand it, especially when it existed among sibling programs Law & Order and Law & Order: Criminal Intent. They had other, more appropriate venues for those takes on current events! Plus, there’s plenty of headlines about rapes, child molestation and sexual perfidy to rip! You don’t want your viewers thinking “why the fuck is this being investigated by Special Victims?”. Good thing most people who watch SVU are on their third Valium cocktail, well into a haze of passive acceptance, by the time the plot morphs into unrecognizable gibberish. It would be charitable to call “Starved” unrecognizable gibberish. “Starved” fucking wishes it could be unrecognizable gibberish. For one, it’s reliant on a fantastical premise: Dean Cain, Lois & Clark‘s Dean Cain, the fucking guy who supported Rick Perry for President Dean Cain, as a charismatic rapist. I can buy the rapist bit, but charismatic? I saw him in God’s Not Dead. That fucker couldn’t sell me water if I were dying of thirst. This and other absurdities in a Season 7 episode identify what SVU was mutating into; it’s a cop show seeking to create outcry about sexual crimes that often go underrepresented or misrepresented in the media that got doused in mutagen and the last thing it touched was an episode of The Bozo Show. Identifying the signs of the evolution into cartoon nonsense is just as important as documenting the cartoon nonsense itself.

In this episode, Stabler’s less a participant in the plot and more a watch enthusiast.

Candidate for worst cold open exchange in SVU history: “Third attack this month.” “So far.” I don’t ask a lot from this show. I don’t ask for sensitivity, consistent characterization, good acting, nuanced storytelling, passable dialogue. All I ask is a one-liner to break the ice before going into the opening credits. How fucking hard is that? Anyway, perp of the week picks the lock, wears a ski mask and gloves, smells of baby powder, uses the pick-up line “obey me or die”. If you were hoping the rapist was a baby, sorry, that high concept has yet to find inclusion in the Law & Order Multiverse. Next time, baby. The three rape victims only have one thing in common: speed dating. As Richard Belzer says in his contractually obligated 3 lines of dialogue, the Jews invented speed dating. Ice-T says it’s only second to the bagel in terms of innovations made by the Tribe. GodDAMNIT, SVU. But okay, here, here’s a perfectly good jumping off point for a full episode. Speed dating, can we trust it? Are people using it as a means to commit rape? How do we really know romeo@forumail.com isn’t full of nefarious intent? The Jews are involved, they’re always up to something! But I guess they couldn’t wring enough material out of the concept for a 41 minute episode, in spite of Mariska Hargitay doing her biseasonal undercover gig. Dean Cain plays a guy only reddit could love; he compliments Olivia by condescending to her, makes leading, unilateral pronouncements and tells her what kind of drink she’d love. Cabernet? Fuck you, vodka martini, dirty, with a Duggar family of olives. Liv cuts off the date, and the cops bust him when he follows her home. He only wanted to apologize. Sure. That’s why he got past an apartment complex security door.

Early next year, NBC is going to run a “17 years of that face” promotional campaign.

In interrogation, Dean Cain shows off the kind of ‘acting’ ‘chops’ that earned him the role of Scott Peterson in The Perfect Husband. Really, he’s the same basic character; superficially charming guy in a long term relationship who carries on with other women. Superman really found his calling as portrayer of pieces of shit who court a death penalty sentencing. There’re some pretty hilarious bits in this scene, like he claims he lied about his job (surgeon) because “a lot of women hear doctor and they see dollar signs”. Yet to Olivia he claimed to work on Wall Street. Man, Wall Street guys are fucking paupers compared to surgeons! Why not fucking claim you play for the Mets? (Oh right, no one would want to date a Met, not these last few seasons.) Cain gets alibied by his girlfriend, who might as well have a “sad sack” sign around her neck. When asked why Dean Cain goes out with other women if he’s committed to her, she says “I’m not as smart as Mike”. At every turn she refuses to believe a man who supported Rick Perry could ever treat women like shit. It’s only with a tape recording that she allows the cops to search the premises. I would’ve liked her to react with “bullshit! Audio can be manipulated!”

I feel like if he put on a bit of clown makeup he’d be Seth MacFarlane.

They find Dean Cain’s rape bag, which includes lock picking tools and the all important baby powder. Ice-T says of his forensic counter-measures “smart cat. Why’s he out raping? He’s got money, good looks, a woman waiting on him when he gets home…”. An SVU detective said a paraphrase of what Ray Tango’s superior asked him in Tango & Cash (“you make a shitload of money, you dress like a banker, what are you doing this for?”). Why the fuck have writers? Abduct a bunch of ducks, paint the bottoms of their feet and let them walk all over designated plot points circles. It’d be just as good, likely better. Better yet, fire everyone except the ducks, rename the show The Cute Duck Hour, just film little ducklings walking around, putting their bills in things. Anyway. In enters the first complication for a case against Dean Cain: Cora is an alcoholic to a hilarious degree. I should probably feel bad for thinking “lightweight” when Benson finds her fucked up on fancy fuel (vodka), but I sold off shame for a DVD of Profit years ago. The episode therefore goes from the perils of speed dating to the perils of binge drinking, replete with exposition characters saying the dangers (in this episode B.D. Wong is playing a Criminal Minds Wikipedia article). If it were only that it’d be overstuffed, but it gets worse.

PARTY WOOOOOOOOO

She leaves the hospital to marry Dean Cain in prison, and therefore spousal privilege comes in or at least a TV writer’s understanding of spousal privilege comes in. Combined with the rape bag being thrown out as evidence because Cora didn’t really live there and had no right to allow a search, Casey Novak’s looking pretty shitty at her job. (Especially when her argument for keeping the bag in is basically telling the judge “come on”.) Really, the case relies on her and Benson bothering Cora into testifying against the man who’s in two dog films and two horse films this year (seven of his credits on IMDB have “dog” in the title, so you can tell one of Cain’s superpowers is the inability to open a savings account). She finally does and Cain’s attorney rightly goes “then why the fuck you marry him if you think he could be a rapist?”. I understand emotionally and/or physically abused women have a lot of trouble separating from their abuser, but Cora’s such a pathetic doormat it’s comedic. If someone asked her where sunlight came from, she’d respond “why Dean Cain, of course”. The trial grinds to a halt as well as the episode’s interest in it when Cora gets hospitalized again. Well, you know, a recently married woman has to celebrate her wedding by getting plastered and open another bottle when Cain calls from Rikers and threatens to kill himself. Please, he can’t get Kryptonite shivs in a New York prison. In addition to alcoholism, Cora is bulimic. Wait, Tina Holmes is playing my ex-girlfriend?

Novak: “Get a divorce so you can lay claim to 50% of his rape bag!”

In the last 13 or so minutes, because why the fuck not, the serial rapist thing doesn’t really matter anymore, because the writer found a shiny coin that says “Terri Schiavo case” on it. Dean Cain wants to flush that turd down the drain, whereas the mother played by Cassandra Spender from The X-Files still believes Cora could recover. It leads to a lovely, stupid scene in the squad room where the characters debate the issues of the day, a sort of McLaughlin Group for shitty writing forced into the mouths of actors who deserve better. A little piece of me died when Munch said “the Nazis didn’t call it murder either”. Really? You use your sole Jewish character to make a strained comparison between right-to-die and the Third Reich? I expect a higher standard of incompetence from my SVU episodes; this shit is just amateur hour. I’d also like to point out that for their Schiavo with the serial numbers filed off adaptation, Michael Schiavo is a rapist who orders women vodka martinis they don’t want, Terri’s my ex-girlfriend with even worse self-esteem issues and the family is represented by a woman who once was married to the tobacco connoisseur who bumped off JFK and MLK. Shit, maybe they should include the Kennedy assassination in here! Maybe Cora knew Dean Cain was at Dealey Plaza in 1963? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: SVU could only get better if it became an unholy amalgam of Sliders, Quantum Leap, Dark Skies and The Extreme Ghostbusters. Oh well, least there’s no way “Starved” can get worse…

“Lookit here son, I say son, did ya see that hawk after those hens? He scared ‘em! That Rhode Island Red turned white. Then blue. Rhode Island. Red, white, and blue. That’s a joke, son. A flag waver. You’re built too low. The fast ones go over your head. Ya got a hole in your glove. I keep pitchin’ ‘em and you keep missin’ ‘em. Ya gotta keep your eye on the ball. Eye. Ball. I almost had a gag, son. Joke, that is.”

Oh wait! It can get worse. Failed presidential candidate and Baby’s Day Out actor Fred Thompson appears to yell at Casey for making the case a public spectacle. Hey, lay off, she didn’t even consider calling up Bill Frist to watch some tapes with her! Since this is the first time Fred’s Arthur Branch (original name: Jonah Pile of Leaves; his mom was 1/32nd Cherokee) character appears in an episode covered by Law & Ordocki, I’m pressed to provide an explanation for why people let him happen. A septuagenarian frog/bulldog telepod accident, Fred Thompson is a character actor both in film and in politics. He served as minority counsel for the Republican senators investigating Watergate and was in Die Hard 2. (Arguably Die Hard 2 altered the country more fundamentally.) In the early 90s he replaced Al Gore in the Senate and replaced Dianne Wiest’s timid librarian of a DA months before his senate term expired. Now, why would a man from Tennessee who should always be wearing a white suit, sipping a mint julep and rambling about crawdads get elected in what a Tennesseean most assuredly refers to as “Jew York City”? If you expected Dick Wolf to provide you an answer, you’re an idiot. In contrast to Steven Hill’s looking like when Raphael put on a trenchcoat and hat to see Critters in the first Ninja Turtles, and the wussy liberalism of Wiest, Thompson’s a barely comprehensible Foghorn Leghorn short who says things like “you gave her the bologna and she made the sandwich!” to people and expect them to be able to make sense of it. I was surprised Branch was on the side of taking the feeding tube out, but then I read online that when asked, Fred Thompson said he didn’t have an opinion on the case. I’m okay with Munch thinking he’s akin to the Nazis.

I Am Diane Neal’s Withering Contempt For The Material

Feeding tube goes out and Tamara Tunie and Benson each go to Cassandra Spender telling her that the activism was pointless and she was wrong. Cora’s brain was no more than sandpaper and those little dinosaurs you could buy, put in water and they’d grow upon the autopsy and Benson found a news clipping in which Cora is quoted as saying she’d never want to live in a vegetative state with no chance of recovery. The People Reacting To Horrible Things Tribune helps out yet again. The shit sundae is not complete without the shit cherry. Dean Cain wants the death certificate so his life insurance policy can pay out $1.5 million for Cora kicking it. Michael Schiavo: rapist, Superman portrayer, economic opportunist. I want to hear that phone conversation. “I’d like to add my wife to my policy.” “Okay, and you were married where?” “Rikers. I’m in jail for suspected serial rape.” Then two days later, “Yes, my wife died while I was in jail for suspected serial rape. Yes, she tried to commit suicide immediately after getting a phone call from me, in jail, for suspected serial rape.” He’s working on his appeal, which will surely be in his favor considering the People have no evidence anymore. You know what they say: only in New York!

Next day’s headline: “RAPIST TO BABY: DROP DEAD”

“Starved” doesn’t have anything to say about anything while not working as a character piece because all the guest characters are atrocious and none of the main characters learn anything from this shit. Benson could learn not to pressure emotionally troubled and fragile people to testify against their abuser, but if she did then there’d be no show. I suppose we could take from this that the Jews created speed dating so their greatest creation (Superman) could rape women, but that sounds off. Ultimately, the episode is best used as a teaching aid for how things can go off the rails on the show and perhaps it serves as the missing link between the grounded early seasons and the seasons where Dr. Huang creates a machine that creates a suave clone of Stabler named Elliott Stableau who gets a little too close to Olivia for his liking.