What do these futures have in common with each other?

The best/worst recurring motif is computer technology. They so wildly mis-predicted where technology was going in the best way. It’s pretty amazing. Computers at that time were still the size of a room and they predicted…they would stay exactly the same. Other pieces of technology are giant-sized or shrunken but the most technological thing of the 20^th century remained exactly the same. Except they had one major change, that made them terrifying overseers keeping humanity in line, the ability to speak. The most evil thing that a computer could possibly do is sound kinda like Dalek but not enough that it’s violating copyright. Also they kept humanity in line via many evil methods like deciding who lives and dies and other boring stuff like that. I imagine that was revolutionary and mind-blowing at the time but now it doesn’t quite have the same effect. Basically, it’s like CG now. Much like a beer, it doesn’t age well.

Some other themes are the rise of mega-corporations, the popularity of reality TV and the extinction of religion. You could say part of this is happening right now as you read this. The recurring theme for these businesses isn’t profit but morality…? These companies make society more moral and peaceful. How do they do that exactly? They create games involving people hunting and killing other people. It’s a mixed message but they tricked governments into giving them money somehow. I don’t understand how they even started. How does one propose creating a LLC that produces corpses? It raises questions and once you start breaking down it stops making any sense. Religion appears to have been replaced by these mega-corporations.

According to these films, people at the time were afraid of religion disappearing, computers talking, and corporations creating and policing morality. Two of these are legitimate and understandable fears. The other is talking computers.

How close are we to these futures?

Naturally looking at these films you’ll start to wonder, if it’s just around corner. Reality TV is unfortunately still very popular. It begs the question, where is reality TV heading? We have shows about Honeys’ Boo², Dynasties of Ducks, Cats of Fishing and Gene Simmons’ Jewelry. It’s only a matter of time until they’re completely out of ideas and revert to gladiator style fights for our entertainment. It appears on its last legs now but imagine, in 50 or 60 years what will it morph into?

The omnipresence of cameras recording every detail of our dull lives was spot on. However, we adjusted very quickly and seemingly don’t care or mind. In the movies, cameras are everywhere. Some are hidden and some are staring you in the face. In theory it is possible to record every second of a person’s life using security cameras, cell phones, laptops, camcorders, GoPros, webcams, google glass, etc. I think we should start giving a shit a little at least I mean, privacy is great. When you’re alone you can do anything…anything without the prying eyes of society judging you, privacy is necessary for us to function. Enough of that, cameras are everywhere and that was eerily accurate.

The status and power that corporations have is mentioned in the previous section. However, it appears corporations are unstoppable and growing stronger. I hate to say it but according to the 1960s version of a dystopian future…we are living it as you read this. I’m sorry this is how you learn. We can start by throwing away our phones or we can start tomorrow.

Would it be fun to live this future?

I saved the best for last. This is not a simple question of yes or no it requires some thought and patience. There are multiple things to consider here. According to the sections above this future involves mega corporations that produce morality through corpses, cameras constantly watching us, computers that talk in gravelly voices, and reality shows where people do ridiculous things against their will. On top of that everything has just slightly more rubble than now. It’s not a complete wasteland but it’s nearly done recovering through a disaster, compared to modern ones.

Since things aren’t as bad as they could be, this future might be worth it however. Here is my reasoning, it may appear bad but living in an oppression future would have one great benefit. That is, amazing Hip Hop and Punk Rock. Since the economy is not so great and people live in impoverished conditions, that breeds anti-establishment and honest music. I would want to live in this future. The music would be so good it’s worth the potential of being involved in a life-or-death reality show, oppressive corporations, and computers talking to me with creepy gravelly voices.

With all that said, Part 2 is coming soon. I’ll take a look at the modern idea of a dystopian future with The Hunger Games, Snowpiercer, and Doomsday.

Here’s a quick catch up of the Johnson clan’s latest adventures; Zeb learned that Axl and his family are gods, Anders was irritating, Mike was really boring, Rob woke up from a coma and Gaia has a boyfriend now. For reference; Mike is Ullr, god of games and hunting, Anders is Bragi, god of poetry, Olaf is Baldr, god of light, Ty is Hoor, god of winter, Axl is Odin, allfather of the gods, Stacey is Fulla, Frigg’s handmaiden, Michele is Sjofn, goddess of love, Eva is Frigg, marriage goddess, Eva’s dad is Loki, the flimflammer, and Ingrid is Snotra, goddess of wisdom.

Episode 9, “Hunting Reindeer on Slippery Rocks,” starts with a montage of Michelle and Stacey prepping Eva for a special date. Anders is prepping his baby brother, Axl, for a special date. I wonder if these two totally different events are related. Axl and Eva have dinner at Dracula’s abandoned New Zealand home. It looks like a set from the Hannibal series. Their date starts out a little awkward. She complains about her dad being a prick, he’s basically Anders but the same, so naturally Axl decides to approach her dad for her without telling her. Her dad is a lawyer, a charming, trickster, Norse god lawyer. A Loki-like lawyer if you will. He scares Axl away, who scurries back to his grandpa/cousin, Olaf.

The brothers are curious about how Ty and Dawn have relations. It’s a little strange. Ty’s skin is cold all the time thus she assumes he has a health problem. So he sleeps and does other things in a winter coat. They can’t go for too long though because she’ll freeze to death. I wonder if this will return in anyway. Back to the main story, Loki visits his daughter, Eva, which upsets her. She assumes Axl made caused this. Axl tells her dad is a little bit of a sly trickster with a terrible soul patch. To spite him they get engaged. Gaia and Zeb are confused as they should be. Ty and Dawn are planning a tropical vacation but he loves the cold. How will they resolve this? They are still great and adorable. They get down to some sexy business. Afterwards she lays her finger on his neck as they fall asleep and nearly freezes to death. Ty discovers the horror in the morning.

Things get real boring here. Mike has to do boring Mike stuff. Loki gives him a marriage contract (a trick mayhaps) because of silly god stuff. Mike is skeptical. Olaf the oracle can’t read it, it’s in runes. He calls them ‘dancing trees.’ Olaf has to ask Ingrid but his brothers don’t trust her. She also thinks the runes are ‘dancing trees.’ Big problem who can read runes, Ingrid’s former boss, according to her it’s a perfectly, not suspicious at all, no tricks, safe ordinary marriage contract. It’s a bunch of traditional Norse god stuff. Ty is flipping out over Dawn. Zeb sneaks into Axl’s marriage contract signing. It’s a bunch of weird god stuff. Mike knows Zeb is there (then he gets nearly incinerated by the grill), the end.

Axl and Eva’s date. Hannibal was nice enough to let them use his home.

Episode 10, “Like Jesus, Only Cooler,” Gaia and Axl patiently wait to see Zeb. Ty walks by with flowers. He breaks up with Dawn after giving her flowers. You know the classic, not confusing thing everyone does when breaking up. Ty walks out in a very dramatic fashion. Gaia and Axl finally act on their vigorous, regressed passions. Axl has reservations about the wedding, what will he do? The gods and goddesses are getting ready for a wedding party but while Mike is prepping, Val drops a truth bomb. She’s pregnant with Rob’s baby, the twist that no one saw coming.

The party is a formal affair where even Olaf is dressed up. Ty is very intense and cold. It gets worse when Eva arrives. They see each other and something happens. There’s a special connection between them, this won’t come up later. Every time Axl tries to talk to Eva, something keeps getting in the way. Axl lifts Anders ban on sex and he instantly goes for Michele. Ty and Eva argue very passionately but something weird happens. All the food around her decays as if it’s dying. That’s weird, is it a sign, yep. The boss goddess is finally given a name…Freya, goddess of prosperity. Axl cancels the wedding but that contract had a twist if a Johnson bro doesn’t marry Eva, Mike will die. I don’t see the problem but they want to save Mike for some dumb reason.

Eva is not Frigg, she’s Hel, goddess of the underworld and death. She’s overjoyed. Now, she’s queen of the Goths. Loki knew this the whole time, typical Loki. Ty has furious sex with Eva. Gaia and Axl’s magic is fading unfortunately, she leaves with Jacob to sort things out. Val and Rob leave to start a new interesting life together. Zeb is back. Ty marries Eva because they’re the same; moody and cold. Olaf, Axl, and Mike keep searching for Frigg. Mike decides to use his powers finally and stop being lame. Anders meets with Freya. He tries to bang her but she reveals herself to be…his mother, the end…of season 1.

The Bros leaving Loki’s. Ty is the vampire in the middle.

I have a few thoughts on these episodes. By far the best episode so far was the finale. It was the type of crazy insanity I was hoping the whole show would have been. Tonally the last episodes felt like Big Trouble in Little China, where it started out relatively sane but things get exponentially crazier as it went along. The rest of the season however was like a rollercoaster with a couple of small, vaguely exciting hills every so often but not very often though. Mike finally wasn’t the blandest person on the planet. The big reveal of Eva being Hel wasn’t the shocking reveal they would be; given she’s a Goth, she’s a butcher, looks like Robert Smith, and wears exclusively black and fishnets.

Don’t get the wrong idea there were problems. The main thing that irks me is the mystery of who pays for Axl and Zeb’s rent is still unsolved however there’s a crack in the case. Zeb casually mentioned he flips burger all day but Axl is still a mystery. Axl’s behavior in these doesn’t fit a 21 year old. I get it’s about him growing up and accepting responsibility but he could of maybe gotten a job at same point to pay his fuckin rent. Who pays his rent? I just want to know who pays his bills. WHO?! This can be solved with just a line of dialogue, that’s all! At one point Ty was wearing a Jay Leno suit, denim on denim on denim. That being said, Ty and Dawn’s romance aka my favorite thing about the show was killed by the death goddess appropriately. It was clever but a little on the nose. There was too much Zeb. No one likes Zeb. He adds nothing. I don’t see the point of him. Axl’s flat should have been just him and Gaia, slowly falling for each other. There was too much story. Too much happened too fast. It felt like building up to this point, they suddenly remembered that they needed to wrap up the story with the last two episodes left and threw out too many ideas. That would explain the tortoise crawl of the first 4/5 of the season morphing into the rocket ship to Nicholas Ca-ageville.

Eva, Queen of the Goths.

It took me about 6 episodes to finally get into it. I liked it but it wasn’t great. That being said, it moved at a good pace. It never slogged too bad. My favorite characters were Dawn and the goddesses, specifically Eva. Where the brothers Johnson (don’t be gross) are stupid and petty. They don’t look like brothers at all. The goddesses, Michelle, Stacey, Freya (her human name wasn’t said), Eva, and Ingrid were actually cunning, smart and far more interesting than the dude bros ever were.

Anders being a douchebag can’t be stated enough, he’s a terrible person inside and out. I barely scratched the surface of him being a horrid, borderline sociopath. The overall story was dull and not fulfilling. It just dragged and felt empty. I never felt any dread or fear for the characters besides Ty and Dawn. There were spots of interesting stuff happening but it always veered back into stupid pretty quick. For example in the 9^th episode Zeb saw the contract ceremony from many feet away in the bushes but he knew exactly what was happening and saw every little detail. It made no sense and was never mentioned again. The acting was good enough except for Zeb. My final verdict on the series…I enjoyed it but won’t revisit it anytime soon.

Now, the real question, the most important question of all…Will I recap the rest of the series? I won’t say it’s a definite no. However, it’s not likely but maybe in the future. All seven of you loyal readers that actually read these, thank you.

Following Axl’s special night with a cheerleader (It reminds me of the end of Lisa and the Devil but even creepier); Anders is pimping his brother. However Axl isn’t so into it. He met a cute girl, Sonja, at the library. She’s a nerdy librarian who claims to be Frigg. Also every woman there is checking out our hero like in an Axe commercial. Stacey, one of the goddesses, was getting Intel on Axl. She has a crush on our hero. He gets some advice from his cousin/grandfather. Olaf uses an analogy, where everyone is a zebra and Odin is god’s gift to zebras, thus women are into him. Ty bursts in with good news. He almost hooked up with a sexy lady named Helen. She’s different; when Ty is around her he feels warmth. He’s the winter god. He can’t feel anything but cold. She also makes special, magical apple martinis, this won’t come back. Olaf gleefully laughs like Santa Claus and tells them to go for their perspective ladies and calls Ty a reindeer. Oh yea, Olaf is Baldr now so he’s Axl’s son or something it’s weird and not explained.

The Johnson crew creepily lingers in the library analyzing this Sonja aka “Frigg” character. They almost get caught by Sonja then Axl asks her out…she says yes. Ty and Helen hang out again and finish what they started. Midway through he loses control and makes it snow. She isn’t freaked out. He has enough juice to keep going. Helen reveals herself to be Iounn, goddess of apples and youth. She makes everyone feel that special feeling around her. Ty tells Olaf his great news. It turns out that Helen is destined to be in a horrible relationship with Anders so they can never meet. Ty breaks up with her. Back to Axl, Sonja invites him to a god party. He needs to bring his magic sword. The party is for people that play a Norse mythology video game. He’s instantly disappointed but it turns out that one of the evil goddesses, the archer one aka Michele aka Sjofn goddess of love and mischief, is there. Axl finds her. Sjofn vs. Odin, Axl vs. Michele; they clash and destroy Sonja’s bedroom. The goddesses are determined to keep him from Frigg. New Zealand is their territory. Once the gods left the goddesses took over and ain’t giving up anything. It’s a draw and the Johnsons learn of their enemies, end of Episode 3, “God’s Gift to Zebras.”

Ty starts dating Dawn, Anders’ assistant. She hasn’t had much to do but now she’s relevant to the story. Anders is still pimping out Axl. It’s a little ridiculous that he hasn’t realized how much of a douche his brother is but soon he will finally see. Anders takes him to a big showbiz party where the big names in New Zealand are. These people include the local weather girl, an actor that starred in a few Disney movies, and the New Zealand Dr. Phil, Rosie. Axl doesn’t get laid this time but something happened between the Disney fellow and Dr. Rosie and it was filmed. Rosie wants the video destroyed but Anders sees dollar signs in exploiting her. He eases her down but secretly schemes. Ty and Dawn are on a cute little date. He’s encouraging her to quit because Anders is terrible. Whenever she tries to or is against something he uses his powers to charm her and keep her there. It’s really sinister and Ty is furious but keeps his cool. Dawn and Ty go collect a copy of the sex tape with a bunch of cash. The guy, Brian, shows up with the tape. His nametag says Brian, bad move buddy. You change out of clothes with your name when doing shady deals that’s common sense. Ty grabs the dumbass’s arm. He freezes it so much it burns. Dawn gets the tape. Anders learns that they’re dating and isn’t happy.

So Mike has a storyline in this one. He’s building a house and it’s not going well. It’s as boring as it sounds. Anders tries to ruin it later on and he does. Anders goes on a PR campaign to shame Rosie and Dawn angrily quits. In the meantime an old flame of Olaf’s by the name of Rhiannon visits. She’s pregnant and it’s Olaf’s baby. Mike tells Axl that there’s a routine for this situation, it’s old hat for them at this point. Olaf plans on leaving Rhiannon slowly, which is terrible. Axl is opposed to this. Olaf was once married to a mortal woman and it ended in disaster. Olaf looked the same and everyone grew old and died. Olaf leaves Rhiannon. Anders seduces Dawn back by sneaking into her flat and using his powers again. She isn’t shocked by him suddenly showing up out of nowhere. Mike hires Axl as an intern and won’t pay him, end of Episode 4, “You Gotta Love Life, Baby.”

I enjoyed these two episodes more than the previous two. The show has settled into a consistent tone, it manages the shifts between silly and serious better. I like that the goddesses are finally showing up and doing something. However, there is a problem that hasn’t been addressed. The only person in Axl’s flat with a job that we ever see is Shakira. She’s a nurse. Do nurses in New Zealand make that much money? Zeb the other guy is only seen partying. Axl just hangs out and tries to get laid. It’s never established if either of them has a job or not or even paying rent. Is Zeb a professional partier, if so how does that work out? Is he like a stripper but drinks and acts irritating instead of dancing in a sexual manner. I assume Mike pays Axl’s rent because he’s the responsible/boring/Cyclops one. Anders is too selfish. Ty is too cold and lonely. Olaf is too busy getting laid to care that much. I think I like this show now but not entirely sure. It’s watchable and moves quickly so there’s that. Next up, Episode 5, “This is Not Washing Powder, My Friend,” and Episode 6, “Goddesses, Axl, Come In All Forms.”

As if Karl Urban’s face wasn’t enough to make me tune in, the show was created by J.H. Wyman who had me at “Fringe.” J.J. Abrams signed on as an executive producer along with Wyman and Bryan Burk. Knowing only that Urban would be portraying a cop in the future, I tuned in prepared to be blown away with high style and intriguing plots that left me pondering their outcome long into the night, after I’d turned my television off.  The season didn’t come quite that close but that’s not to say I didn’t enjoy it.

Not to be confused with Being Human, the show about a vampire, werewolf and ghost shacking up in Boston (or Bristol if you prefer your sci-fi with an English accent), this show has a slick urban setting and science-based plot themes. Set in 2048, technology has developed so quickly that the crime rate has risen 400% in Almost Human Land. Due to this, every police officer is assigned an android partner. They’re life-like enough to avoid CGI portrayal, but artistry and contact lenses have made them distinct as androids.

Visually, it’s very reminiscent of Fringe and Star Trek with blue overtones and strong saturation. Thankfully, less lens flares than Star Trek and more open and airy than Fringe. The future, being only fifty years away, is realistically advanced. There are odd-shaped vehicles and holographic computer screens everywhere giving it that pleasant in-the-future style, but there are also modern-day semi trucks cruising down the highway keeping the show feeling as though this world is possible just a generation away.

Leading the cast is Karl Urban as Detective John Kennex, a human cop with a slight chip on his shoulder and not much love for the android officers. Two years prior to where the story begins, Kennex led a raid with his partner on the criminal group Insyndicate, but the raid goes awry and the accompanying logic-based android abandons Kennex rather than help him attempt to save his partner. Kennex’s partner is killed and Kennex loses a leg in a blast falling into a coma for seventeen months.

As we enter the Almost Human universe, Kennex has a handy new cybernetic leg and rejoins the squad thanks to Captain Maldonado, portrayed by Lili Taylor. The commanding yet compassionate Captain, assigns a MX-43 (another logic-based android) to Kennex. Let’s just say it doesn’t end well for the droid. Urban takes the first step into earning the viewer’s admiration as he portrays Kennex casually pushing the MX-43 out the car onto the highway when the stickler-for-the-rules android attempts to report Kennex for breaking protocol.

Enter Michael Ealy as Dorian. Captain Maldonado, realizing her detective isn’t going to so easily play along, assigns a re-commissioned DRN model android to Kennex. The DRN models are designed to be as human-like as possible (see: can’t deal with crap and suffer from emotional trauma) which initially caused their replacement by the logic-based units. But the wise Maldonado says, “Hey, Kennex has got issues, let’s give him an android with issues too.” And there, a beautiful friendship is born.

Michael Ealy’s portrayal of Dorian is a lovely one. He creates a warm, gracious character filled with both vulnerability and aggressiveness when needed, with a quick wit capable of slinging the barbs back at Kennex like any good buddy-cop should. Ealy maintains a speech pattern and mannerisms distinct enough to make Dorian perfectly almost human and combined with his arresting features he stands out as the humanoid one of the pair.  His laid-back style pairs well with Urban’s sarcastic depiction. Their chemistry is top-notch, creating the best scenes within the show- the car rides.

The humor took me a bit by surprise. I suppose I just wasn’t expecting it from a cop story set in a futuristic world and while some would argue that there are plenty of bromances on television already, the give and take between Kennex and Dorian is endearing and often hilarious with their science-fiction twists from Dorian scanning Kennex’s testicles to Kennex being far less impressive to kids as Dorian to Dorian’s impressive robotic anatomy.

Adding these humorous elements together with a talented cast and solid character set-up creates a thoroughly likeable show. Minka Kelly shines as Detective Valerie Stahl, a “chrome” [genetically engineered human] who goes against the grain by becoming a cop. Also on the roster are Michael Irby as Detective Richard Paul, the irritable but reliable detective at odds with Kennex, Mackenzie Crook as Technician Rudy Lom, the police force’s android expert and the aforementioned Lili Taylor.

The cast really is fantastic. While the season doesn’t stretch the boundaries of their skills, you know instinctively that anything that gets thrown at them, they’re going to portray with amazing capability. Mackenzie Crook, in particular, delivers a strong performance turning Rudy into that underestimated character who you know will really be the most important of all.

So with all this praising, why did this show not quite live up to its imagined marvelous-ness? Short answer: pacing of the main plots. There are two main overlying plots that were introduced in season 1. The first being, Insyndicate the gang and Kennex’s ex-girlfriends involvement with them and what that means to John. The show began with a Kennex desperate to learn answers, still a bit angry at the world but it felt that rather quickly he became much more happy with his routine and being back on the force. So when the issue was again brought into the forefront (thanks to Fox’s rearrangement of the episodes) and Kennex was pill-popping and sweating and wrecking police Ford Fusions in episode ten “Perception”, it felt a little out of left field. And despite learning that Kennex is being watched via surveillance in his house, the issue isn’t revisited before the season’s end.

The second main plot point that is left dangling is regarding “the wall”. In “Unbound” (episode nine), John Larroquette guest stars as Dr. Nigel Vaughn, the scientist who created the DRNs and the “Synthetic Souls” that make Dorian, Dorian. In the end, Dr. Vaughn has an ulterior motive other than just helping the police – he steals the Synthetic Souls and some processing cores and escapes beyond a giant wall (think The Lorax). Whoa, what wall? We’d never seen that before. And yet, you’ll never see it again in season 1.

Almost Human serves up some terrific sci-fi stand-alone episodes with dark and threatening undertones while maintaining a sense of style and excitement.  From “Arrhythmia” where people are dying from black market sold human organs to “Simon Says” focusing on a demented man who kills people remotely with bombs and airs it live on the internet to “Beholder” introducing us to a man who kills people to steal their facial features so he can build the perfect version of himself to impress a woman he loves [caaaraaazzzy!]; the singular stories are intriguing and provocative. Therefore, had the main plot points been woven in tighter throughout the season, unity between the episodes would have been felt. The season finale failed to endcap any of the plots presented in the prior twelve episodes, nor explore them further. In fact, I was not even aware this was a thirteen episode run and fully expected another episode as it didn’t have that “finale feel.”

So, why did Detective Stahl choose to become a police officer? What’s the background of Captain Maldonado? Why does The Wall exist? Will we ever know the answers to these questions? Maybe not. The show, as of now, is on the cusp of cancellation. I’ve got my fingers crossed for a second season to fulfill the masses of potential this show contains and I’m hoping the producers come back prepped with stronger writers and a firm sense of where the story is headed.  I’d hate to see this cast and premise go to waste.

Almost Human Season 1 Gallery

…Theory, that is.

Thankfully, the hottest comedy on television doesn’t employ the use of the entire song by The Barenaked Ladies, because it was hard enough to lampoon what little I did. I am no Barenaked Lady, or Weird Al. However that song, and all its fun lyrics (the actual lyrics, not mine) are just one of the many things about the CBS show The Big Bang Theory that I enjoy. And I used to not be able to stand it. Like many things, my dislike for the show was based on the fact that I was ignorant of it.

To be even more fair to the show, I generally dislike most things on CBS on the whole. I find the comedies bland, the dramas repetitive, and if they attempt anything fun like a genre show I pretty much assume they’re ripping off a better show (I’m looking at you vampire detective show, Moonlight). I did give Under the Dome a shot, but quickly lost interest. I can say with most certainty I haven’t enjoyed CBS since the 90’s and their fun little Flash series.

Years ago, and I don’t remember how, a show about nerds doing nerdy things and trying to get girls made a blip go blippy-blip on my radar. I had some friends who were fans of the show since what I believe to be the very beginning of its airing, and I might have even watched part of an episode. I can only assume that I was in a phase of my life where I felt society at large was trying to co-opt nerd culture in some way, and that made me spiteful of “mainstream” creations such as The Big Bang Theory.

When I was a youngling, being a nerd was not celebrated. I didn’t sit with the popular kids at the lunch table because of my extensive knowledge of Star Trek. Then, at some point, something shifted. I’m not sure if it was that studios were finally making movies based on properties t nerds had enjoyed for decades, or perhaps the overall audience was finally embracing their inner nerd. Whatever the case, shit like Spider-man was popular and all the blondes on the cheerleading squad started wearing Mary Jane Watson t-shirts. It was sort of like there was a revolt against being a pretender to fit in. Though, for me and my friends it was too late as we were starting our lives in the real world where crap like cliques don’t matter (as much). Plus, most of my friends were nerd peers of some sort, anyway.

It isn’t odd then that a nerd would be wary of a show like Big Bang, especially coming from the creator of the one of the dumbest comedies ever conceived, Two and a Half Men. I chided my friends who enjoyed Big Bang, and told them it didn’t represent nerds. We wouldn’t be wearing the stuff they wore (a Green Lantern shirt for $70??), and it sounded like it was written by people who thought they knew what being a nerd was, for people who had no clue what being a nerd was.

Then I grew up. My outlook went from one of a-holes trying to horn in on my action, to maybe they were all finally listening to what other nerds and myself were telling them for so long- this stuff is awesome. It wasn’t like it was a conscious decision, it just seemed to happen. And it affected the way I enjoyed a few things. Big Bang was one that got the benefit of that change, and was one of the things that prompted it as well.

I watched the show. TBS had started airing reruns, and while I was sick (I think) I happened to catch a few. In my delirium, I enjoyed it, and was surprised by the references they employed during the storytelling and the humor. I found myself wondering how many people in the general audience even liked the show, because they couldn’t quite possible be catching half of the things that were there. How many yokels on their couch are going to know what in the hell Red Dwarf is??

The show won me over, plain and simple. When I took the time to delve into it, I identified with the characters (a nerd in a non-nerd world), discovered references for some beloved properties (across all types of media), and a show that was funny as hell. It was essentially a shoe is on the other foot type of moment. Here I was, someone who was in a group trying to tell others about all these things they were missing out on, and that they misunderstood, and now the role was reversed and I had to listen to others, finding that I was the one missing out when it came to this show.

I joined the ranks of literally millions of people who watch every Thursday. Or, Saturday after we DVR the sucker. In the time I’ve watched it, and rewatched the reruns again and again, I can say there are only a few times where I’ve thought the writers have repeated themselves. Otherwise, it doesn’t really drag anything out, and doesn’t seem to retread much if anything at all. Hopefully that continues being the case going forward, because the show has been renewed for three more seasons.

The move by CBS to take Big Bang to at least ten seasons is no surprise. Really, it’s as no-brainer as you can get. The show has ranked as the number one sitcom since the 2010-2011 season, according to CNN, and currently averages 19.79 million viewers. That number is up four percent from last year. Many shows can’t say the same.

What I’m saying, if I’m saying anything at all, is get on the Big Bang train (that’s for Sheldon). Either the show is a reflection of how nerd culture has been hijacked by the mass audience, or the nerds have invaded and finally proved how wonderful a world it is when you dig into caped crusaders and alien beings. No matter which it is, we are not only sitting at the popular lunch table, but we are commanding it. And our knowledge of Star Trek will probably let us in on more of the jokes.

I am, of course, talking about ABC’s Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. From this point on, however, I will refer to it as AOS because I frankly don’t need to point out it’s a Marvel creation and put in periods every time I call it by name. That’s just ridiculous, and unfortunately that’s not where the ridiculousness ends.

Before you go face palming yourself and lamenting I will be again complaining about something (I feel like an old nerd on his nerd porch during some of these posts), let me tell you right now- I like AOS. I haven’t missed an episode the night they air, Tuesdays 8 p.m. CST. I even have one of my part-time jobs that evening that I don’t do half-assed, but I certainly don’t go above and beyond to make sure I can get home as soon as possible.

You might be wondering, “Why don’t you just record it, Adam?” I do record it. I actually like it that much, and I wish to avoid potential spoilers from the Interweb. Tuesday night is an event night in our house with Agent Phil Coulson and his merry band of junior partners. That being said, it’s also not the show I want it to be. Not that I want it to be anything else subject-wise, just more excitement-wise. In the words of Jim Gordon, it’s not the show I deserve, but it’s the show I need.

Perhaps that’s where the problem is. AOS is serving a purpose, and unfortunately that purpose is to service or be a part of a larger story. No matter how much the producers say the opposite, or tout AOS as its own entity, this show ultimately pays lip service to something much bigger than itself. And it’s the smallest piece among many pieces of a much bigger puzzle. That is one of the drawbacks of having such a large, interconnecting media universe as Marvel Studios has built. It can’t all be The Avengers. However, I don’t think its place in the larger scheme is entirely to blame.

There are other things to consider. Plot elements, characters, et cetera. I’ve got a few of them. At least, some of the things that seem to be “problems” for the show. The one big thing against the show is perception. Audiences were expecting it to be mini-Avengers, I think. It was never meant to be that. Let’s put it this way, using another comic property as an example.

If this were the universe of the Men in Black, with the movies being the movies, the television show would be about the MIB agents that file the paperwork for the cases, and clean the offices. That’s what this is. AOS is the daily grind of the normal, ordinary people among the extraordinary. Not that it’s bad, it’s just not what people expected. But because the audience is yearning for what they expected, there are a few things that have stood in the way of bonafide success for the show:

1. Coulson Lives…and the explanation thus far as to how has been, well, lame. The show has gone half a season with various teases suggesting something isn’t quite right in the world concerning the status of Coulson’s existence. There are things that have been said by characters in regards to lack of muscle memory that almost imply he has none because it’s not his original body. Other hints have been dropped, but so far all we have is the information that multiple surgeries have been performed, including one on his exposed brain leading to the ever-present ‘Tahiti is a magical place’ reference. The episode in which that particular nugget was revealed did supply some of the best acting by Clark Gregg, especially as his character begs the doctors to let him die. Hopefully, and we’ll get to this a little later, there is something more afoot.
2. The characters…They’ve been okay. They’ve gotten better. Some are obviously much more fun for the writers to bring to life. Fitz and Simmons are a hoot. I like them very much. Big brooding, serious agent is kind of cookie cutter, as is the hacker, Skye (though, her story seems to be blossoming, albeit at a slower than welcome pace- again, more later). Ming Na Wen can be sort of fun, but I think she’s not handled quite right.
3. The guest stars…Gunn from the show Angel is here, and apparently he’s Deathlok. It was teased from before the start of the show that he was an established comic character, but all we knew was the name Mike Peterson. It’s taken about three to four appearances for his arc to get going. There’s that pace again…Otherwise we’ve had a few lesser-known baddies, and a few neat actors stop by, including some sweet Asgardian appearances.
4. Secret programs named after bugs…Centipede is apparently the brains behind the evil-doing operations on the show. There’s a temptress in a flower dress, implants that kill unwilling assassins, and a formula for super soldiers that takes a cue from Extremis as portrayed in Iron Man 3. Oh, there’s also some clairvoyant person who has been named but not seen. For over half a season there has been build-up after build-up, and not too much payoff, a la the death of Coulson. Hopefully the steam doesn’t run out before the train hits the station.
5. Pacing, build-up, payoff, and all around general mysteries…If I’ve set up any theme at all, it’s this- get to the juicy bits already. This show was co-created by Joss Whedon, who has a great track record in his storytelling of setting up for future events without the audience even realizing it. Things from episodes earlier come back to bite the kiesters of the characters involved. Hell, on the show Angel, storylines continued a season later. But, in that case, the audience didn’t know something was coming.

Here, we know Coulson died and something ain’t right on the western front. The foreshadow isn’t necessary. The shadow has been fored already. Whedon’s shows also have a tendency to start slow, and I don’t think this is a good place for that. The story started back in 2008 when Iron Man hit the big screen. As much as everyone wants this to stand alone, I’m not sure that it can. And the moments when it shines, it doesn’t stand-alone.

References to Thor: The Dark World, and the death of Bucky Barnes, and things going on in S.H.I.E.L.D. as an organization work because they have weight, they have consequences. That is where Whedon and his stable of players excel- when dealing with the weight and consequences of choices. Unfortunately, the audience is looking for payoff to the movies, and in the absence of something heavy happening on the show, they’ll get impatient for anything, anything at all to happen.

So what I’m saying, if I’m saying anything at all, is the show isn’t bad, but there’s definite room for improvement. The danger with doing a write up like this before the end of the season is the home stretch could provide some mind blowing awesomeness/reveals and make me look like a total jackass. I have a feeling the closer we get to the next Captain America flick, the show will tie more directly into that movie and will impact as well as be impacted going into a second season. I sure hope so, because for all its faults ABC’s Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. can indeed be a little Tahiti.

**P.S.- The last few episodes appear to be on this track as the story and development have grown leaps and bounds. Unfortunately, there was only one new episode after the now mandatory winter break, and then a couple weeks off until the next episode, after which there has been another few weeks off for the Olympics I assume. That can sometimes be the other Whedon-killer…time slot and scheduling.**

Reign – Olivia and braids

There’s a horse and carriage carrying two ladies; one is sleeping and the other is knitting.  A boy runs out of the woods to tell the driver that the road ahead is flooded, and encourages him to cut through the woods.  After they drive off, the boy clutches an antler shaped necklace, which matches the scar hidden underneath it.  Seems totally normal, so you probably will be surprised to hear that the wagon hits a hole, there’s druidic chanting outside, and everyone but the blond that was sleeping is killed.  She runs off into the woods.

Reign – Just Believe

Francis has come to woo Mary with talk of borders.  When that doesn’t sway her, they share their feelings in what-ifs that somehow manages to earn him a kiss.  He also hypothetically invites her to the Harvest Festival.  Meanwhile, blond girl is still running through the forest.  There are crows or ravens or some other kind of black bird I can never properly identify. Creepy McDarkbirds, as Beth as dubbed them.

Mary and her ladies are learning about a tradition where you write your regrets on a piece of paper, which is tied to a little toy boat.  You get to let your regrets sail away, both figuratively and literally.  Probably much more literally though, I can’t imagine that kind of thing lasting the next time you’re sobbing in your ale.

Reign – Lola wants to bang

Bash comes up to comment on the rarity of Mary being happy, saying that, “to see you smile is to feel the sun.”  He says it with a smirk and a flippant air and is holding a tankard of ale, so it’s not surprising that she doesn’t take him seriously.  “Do you flirt with everyone?”  Yes.  Yes he does.  Including Lola, whose name he lingered over when greeting each of the ladies (which still makes me snicker to myself because in my head I just hear, “Mary. Mary. Mary. Mary. Mary.”)  Lola tries to warn Mary that Bash has feelings for her, which she brushes off even though he left quickly after she mentioned Francis. “Well, I hope to get sauced at your wedding.”

Her warnings are interrupted by Horse Hair and Kenna whispering.  They’ve noticed Lord Castleroy, a Hapsburg who has gotten rich in the spice trade, staring at Greer.  She decides this would be a great match for her and her family, and takes it upon herself to go talk to him.  No formal introductions or anything!  Maybe they happened already.

Oh look, that blond chick is still running through the forest.

Reign – Lord Peppercorn

Not only did Lord Castleroy make his fortune in the spice trade, but he’s disturbingly infatuated with pepper.  After he mentions having seen the plant in India, Greer is excited that the conversation might be steered in more interesting directions.  Alas, no, Lord Peppercorn still has pepper trivia to impart.   She notices Kitchen Boy staring at her and bumps into Lord Peppercorn, spilling his drink on her dress.  Oh darn, now she has to leave.  Now she’ll never know the details of how you could pay your rent in pepper.

Greer is frustrated that she actually ruined her dress, and also a bit peeved at Kitchen Boy for staring at her in public.  She’s still very concerned about ruining her reputation and her chances for marrying up, despite the make out session with Kitchen Boy previously.  He offers to try to get the stain out of her dress using an old kitchen trick, but really it’s just an excuse to get her to take it off.  This boy has moves!  Also, Greer’s undergarments looks a lot like a modern wedding dress.  Super fancy.

Reign – Greer’s underdress

Francis has made one of these regret boats for Mary, christening it The Just Mary.  I’m not sure it’s a good sign that they already need a regret boat for their relationship.  They’re interrupted by a guard coming to tell Francis that forest girl has been found and is asking for him.  “Olivia?”

Reign – Hair rubbing

Oh shit you guys, he knows her name.  And he’s hugging her.  AND RUBBING HER HAIR!  Sorry Mary…  Bash is there to clarify.  This is Olivia D’Amencourt, who left court shortly before Mary arrived.  “Brokenhearted?” Mary asks.  “Yes.  He was.”  Oh girl.  Your boat isn’t going to float after you tie all your regrets to it.

Reign – Bash is a goon

Olivia (said forevermore with a sneer; Olivia) is lounging in what looks like the barn wing of the castle, covered in furs.  Francis just waltzes in, not even caring that she’s in her nightgown.  This doesn’t bode well if you were hoping his broken heart had been innocent.  Strangely enough, as she tells her story to Francis we get our first taste of a French accent.  The actress is actually French; sort of makes you wonder why they didn’t try harder with the rest of the “French” cast.  She remembers that the bandits were speaking a “gibberish language” and tells Francis what little she remembers.  He asks why she is there, since she was supposed to have left to marry another and never return.   It turns out the marriage fell through because it became known that she had been intimate with Francis.  (WARNING KENNA!)  So now she has nowhere else to go.

Mary and Francis are talking about why Olivia left.  He mentioned the marriage offer, but also that his mother made her life miserable.  Turns out they were caught snogging in the boathouse, and Catherine was not amused.  Mary takes this news with grace, though she does get a dig in about how Olivia should have known better considering Francis was engaged from childhood.  Francis promises that his past with Olivia is just that, and that he plans to help her find a new marriage so everyone can get on with their lives.

Being bored at court leads to insanity

The ladies are all lounging on what looks like a giant bed in the throne room.  Greer is complaining about Lord Peppercorn and his constant pepper chatter.  Horse Hair is annoyed because no one is listening to her read Virgil in Latin.   Sorry Horse Hair, nobody likes you or your recitation of Virgil.  This scene is kind of nice, because you see all the various court ladies sitting around playing dice and cards and all the other random things people did to pass the time when they didn’t have to bother with things like laundry and growing their own food.  Just then, Olivia comes in and the queen gets up and leaves.  SCANDAL!  She dislikes Olivia more than Mary!  This sets off an argument between Kenna and Greer about whether Olivia even belongs at court after her bad judgement of sleeping with a dude before wedlock.  Kenna is quick to defend her, for obvious reasons.  But then she calls out Greer!  OH NO SHE DIDN’T!  Greer is super awesome and I don’t care if she has a title, stop being a jerk Kenna no one cares that you’re sleeping with the king.

Ahem.  Sorry.

Mary breaks up their bickering and attempts to befriend Olivia, because she has more class than I do.  She offers to lend her a dress for the festival since Olivia‘s things are still missing in the woods.

Reign – Francis’s mad waddle

Bash is out riding when Francis waddles up to complain about him spilling the beans on his super secret (but everyone knows) love life.  And also to complain about the pagans in the forest, like Bash is some kind of keeper for them.

Horse Hair is walking down my favorite hallway, when she trips and drops a ring that bounces across the floor towards Catherine.  The queen picks it up and immediately wonders why Horse Hair has this ring that belongs to Mary.  It turns out that Horse Hair is a kleptomaniac!  “You’re a troubled, jealous little girl.  Aren’t you?”  Ugh, yes!  I knew I didn’t like you.  The penalty for stealing is losing a hand; even if Mary did that, we can assume her hair wouldn’t suffer noticeably.  The queen confiscates the ring while she decides how to use this to her favor.

Bash is out in the Blood Wood with some guards, looking for the other two people from Olivia‘s wagon.  They’re hanging upside down, their blood draining into a bowl.  Turns out one of them is still breathing, which probably means these were live sacrifices.  Joy!  Bash decides to save the dude, much to the dismay of one of the guards who is afraid of the pagans taking revenge.

Mary and Olivia are picking out her dress for the festival, and Olivia makes note of how kind Mary is.  Mary is doing her best to be cool about how free men can be with their sexuality.  Olivia, on the other hand, has decided to play her bitch card.  “You know much less about Francis’s desires than I do.”  OH NO SHE DIDN’T!  “Perhaps, now that I’m here, offering myself as an option, he’ll choose to be with me.  Once again.”  Wow dude.  Mary, you have my full permission to slap her.  I mean, that’s just rude, you’re in the process of loaning her a dress!

Nostradamus is berating Bash for interrupting the pagan sacrifice.  He mentions that he had no sense of them being near, what’s that about?  Does he have some kind of pagan spidey sense?  Bash thinks the human sacrifices are a new thing, but Nostradamus says they’ve always happened; they’re just more bold about it now.  It seems they’ve shifted from murdering people to keep others out of the woods they claim for themselves to luring people into the woods.  We don’t know why they’ve changed, but Nostradamus is sure that they’ll be angry with Bash for interrupting and that his life is in danger.  It’s probably safe to assume he’ll survive, otherwise who would round out Mary’s love triangle?

Olivia, UGH, is walking through the kitchens, looking for the wine cellar.  The pagan from the road is working in the kitchens!  Are you seriously telling me no one notices that this dude disappears into the Blood Wood, comes out covered in sacrificial blood, and NOBODY NOTICES?  Seriously, all the guards, FIRED.  Olivia recognizes his voice, but hasn’t placed why yet.  The road dude asks Kitchen Boy who she is, because apparently they’re the only two people ever working down there who can speak.  It would seem the pagans can’t count, because he didn’t realize someone had escaped their luring.

Reign – Creepy forest dude

Mary and Francis are talking in front of a fire, which has me lamenting that my fireplace has never been properly inspected.  One should definitely have a fire going when it’s snowing outside, right?  Stupid carbon monoxide…  Mary has found a noble lady in Paris, a Viscountess Whosawhatsits.  She’s over stepping a bit, since it isn’t her court or her guest, but Francis seems to realize he’s on thin ice here and goes with it.  Later Olivia!  I won’t miss you one bit.

Reign – Catherine’s love

Horse Hair is watching Catherine play with a bird while she waxes on about brokenhearted she was when she had to send Mary away to the convent after an attempt was made on her life.  Cry me a river.  She claims this is why she keeps her distance now, because she associates her with loss.  And now, boo hoo, Mary isn’t honest with her about her happiness in France, and how ever can she help her if she doesn’t know?  Oh wait!  Horse Hair can bring Catherine Mary’s letters to her mother, and then everyone is happy!  How convenient that the idea just happened upon her, now that task can be Horse Hair’s “punishment”.  She looks properly horrified at least.  Also, her hair looks like that bird has been making a nest in it.

Reign – Bird’s Nest

Olivia has come to Francis’s quarters, sneaking in wine; presumably from that wine cellar she was searching for.  I guess she plans to get him drunk and hope for a repeat in the boathouse.  Instead, Francis breaks the news that he’s sending her away.  Take that!

Kitchen Boy is returning Greer’s dress, which he couldn’t clean, and is joking about getting her out of her dress.  She’s very upset about his flippant attitude regarding her reputation and ability to marry.  He basically tells her he’s cool with her marrying another dude, he just wants to love her.  But, THE SHAME!  She actually covers her mouth she says it.  Greer, I actually like you, don’t bad act me out of it!  Kitchen Boy gets it, and says he’ll leaver her alone.

Olivia is still baring her soul to Francis.  Oh the torture, she says.  And I have to agree, I’m feeling pretty tortured.  Francis is sticking with Mary, so Olivia decides to step up her game and offers herself up as a formal mistress.  OH NO SHE DIDN’T!  And then she kisses him!  Francis pulls away, but not before he spent a second looking like he enjoyed it.  “You want me!  And I want you.  And I’m telling you, you can have me.  Any way you want.”  Wow.

Kenna runs up to Mary about how Olivia is now moving into the castle.  What the crap Francis!  Mary actually snaps at Kenna that her informant must be wrong.  Kenna agrees to ask around some more to be sure, “discreetly”, which apparently means in full view of everyone just 10 feet away and using large pointing gestures.  Catherine sidles up to Mary making vague snide comments about Kenna’s new necklace and how it’s blatantly disrespectful.  It was actually given to Catherine as a first anniversary present, and now Mary knows that Kenna is sleeping with the king.  Catherine takes this opportunity to go on about her own terrible love life, and how the king discards his lovers and then feels responsible for them afterwards; how he loved Diane before marrying Catherine.  She’s attempting to sound like she’s just sharing her sad story and considering Kenna (who she says won’t last), but all of this is said as a direct parallel to Mary and Olivia.  Mary looks ill and is seems to have decided to drown her sorrows.

Reign – Kenna’s Necklace

Also, that sacrifice guy died, but spouted some stuff about a beast in the forest that lives in a cave and demands blood or kills the pagans to get it.  Wasn’t he the carriage driver?  Why does he even know this?  Were the pagans being bad villains and reciting their grand plan before killing their victim again?  I think Bash is trying to look startled, but he always looks like that.  He’s kind of a goon.  A different hair cut would probably help.  It looks like it was done with a Flowbee.

Reign – Bash is a goon 2

Kenna has super secretly checked with the servants, and Olivia is definitely staying.  Mary is still drowning her sorrows and gets snippy with Kenna about her sleeping with the king.  She brings up a good point about making Catherine an enemy being a bad idea even if the king has promised his protection.  Kenna gets super defensive, because it’s true lurve <3 <3.  When Mary orders her to break it off, Kenna decides that she’s no longer Mary’s subject.  OH NO SHE DIDN’T!  Whose giant bed is she going to lounge in now while not listening to Virgil?  Mary is really getting the shaft this episode.  Though Catherine’s first anniversary present is actually costume jewelry, so she hasn’t faired too great either

And here comes good ol’ Francis, dumping more crap.  How many times has he said “I was going to tell you” this episode?  Too many!  The Viscountess no longer wants Olivia, so she’s staying for now.  How convenient.  Mary gets some kind of super power when she drinks, and asks if something has happened between him and Olivia.  He takes a moment to answer, and I swear to god the background music makes a horror movie noise, the kind you hear when someone is about to be stabbed.  Francis looks afraid.  I’d be afraid if this were my soundtrack too.  They actually get into a fight, because Mary demands that Olivia leave after learning something almost happened (he doesn’t tell her what that something is, which probably isn’t helping).  Francis decides to put his foot down, and then Mary basically accuses him of being his father.  Which is when Francis decides to drop that little bomb that Olivia could be his mistress.  Mary storms out with her booze…

…into Bash’s company, who is also drowning his sorrows.  Mary confiscates said booze, which she can do, because she’s a pretty lady.  Getting free booze is like some kind of consolation prize girls get for monthly torture and squeezing out humans.  So now Mary is drunk and spewing regrets, and Francis is looking for her to apologize.  She’s rightly upset about the inequality in their relationship, and Bash tells her that Francis is dumb for looking anywhere else.  So she kisses him.  OH NO SHE DIDN’T!  “I shouldn’t have done that.”  “You’re right, I should have.”  And so he kisses her!  And of course Francis is watching, because that’s how you write a love triangle!  Is he supposed to be mad when he turns away?  Maybe it’s the slightness of his shoulders, but Francis can’t seem to pull off any emotion that might require a bit of testosterone.  He’s just going to slip away there and dig out his old Cure CDs… no big deal.  So emo.

Mary hears the horns announcing the launching of the regret boats.  Seriously, her boat is going to sink.  I don’t think they make enough paper for her to even write them out.  She tries to apologize to Francis as they make a display of writing on their little slips, but he brushes her off.  Meanwhile, Catherine thanks Horse Hair for delivering Mary’s letters, and decides to make it the deal permanent.  Mary and Francis launch their boats, which miraculously don’t sink but do turn off in different directions despite a complete lack of current in the water, and he immediately leaves to find Olivia.  Who is wearing that freaking blue dress from Mary.  Seriously!  Mary looks sad and brokenhearted, and I actually feel for her.  And behold, her ship did not alleviate her regrets.

Reign – Shipwrecked relationship

Greer takes this lesson in living with regret to heart, and decides not to have any herself.  So she finds Kitchen Boy and tells him it’s on!  Whoo!  Secret love!  So far I don’t want to barf, hooray!  There’s a first for everything.

Catherine is having her face painted with what looks like honey.  I guess this is some kind of medieval wrinkle remover?  She’s talking to someone off screen.  And it’s Olivia!  Catherine summoned her here to break up Mary and Francis.  OH NO SHE DIDN’T!  It turns out everything Olivia is doing is at Catherine’s command, though apparently she does actually have feelings for Francis.  Catherine is threatening to ruin her family if she doesn’t go along.  And she doesn’t just plan to have Olivia break up Mary and Francis, but intends Olivia to get pregnant, have her wed Francis, and become the next queen of France.  She may dislike Olivia, but she feels she can control her.  Olivia, who I almost felt sorry for for a second, looks excited about this plan.  So, we’re still sneering when we say her name.

Reign – Honey face

Horse Hair and Mary are sitting in front of a lovely window together.  “I’m in.  The queen wants me to continue to give her your letters.”  Oh shit!  Horse Hair isn’t the bad guy here, she set up the queen for Mary.  Color me surprised.  I still don’t have to like your stupid hair.  Mary suspects Catherine brought Olivia to court.  Guess that plan wasn’t as secret as she thought.

The road pagan is sitting on a ledge, and I think we’re supposed to assume there’s a bit of a drop to one side.  Bash is coming home from being somewhere outside and is banging his boots together to get the mud off.  The road pagan is accusing Bash of taking something that wasn’t his, twice.  Now he owes a debt, and has to choose a replacement sacrifice, or they’ll choose for him.  He calls him Sebastian, and Bash is standing there with his sword, looking scared, asking how he knows his name.  Dude, you are the son of a king, of course all the peons in the castle know your name.  Don’t be daft.  Then the road pagan falls off the ledge and there’s a sort of ripping sound.  I’m honestly not sure if he fell to his death or what, though he did speak of it being a privilege to die in service, so probably.  Why his accent suddenly changed for this scene though, I have no idea.

I would like to point out Francis’s Harvest Festival attire.  It’s a blue velvet button up shirt, with fluffy buttons, covered in a heavily embroidered coat.  I would rock this outfit.  On Francis it just kind of makes me giggle.  I think it’s his posture.

Reign – Francis’s Coat

In closing, where the hell was Burlap Sack??

The show opens with Tomas and Francis having a pissing archery contest while everyone watches.  This was the kind of thing people did for entertainment at court.  They hadn’t invented things like anachronistic teen melodramas to watch on tv yet.  One of the targets is a dummy whose head is wrapped in a burlap sack.  Nostradamus is very concerned; what if Burlap Sack finds out and goes on a ghost rampage?  Tomas keeps making eyes at Mary, who seems annoyed, especially when Horse Hair won’t shut up about the super secret engagement.

Reign Screencap – Horse Hair

R to L: Lovely hair, Lovely hair, Lovely hair, Horror show.

Looks like someone fixed their roots since last episode.  From some angles that front swoop bang looks kind of cool; it sticks out like Ariel’s bangs from The Little Mermaid.  I loved that look as a kid.  You don’t know how often I was in front of a mirror in my youth trying to figure out how to make my bangs into a heavy swoop that floated off my forehead.  The rest of this is a monstrosity, especially compared to everyone else’s hair here.

Mary’s uncle comes to retrieve her and explain why it’s taking so long for him to convince King Henry to release her from her engagement to Francis.  Henry has to work the situation to his advantage so he doesn’t look weak, because he’s a king.  Mary points out that she’s a queen and they all expect her to just go begging.  Her uncle points out that it’s because Mary doesn’t have a leg to stand on and that she’s at the mercy of everyone.

Lola was missing from the hair lineup because she’s been sent by Mary to check on Bash.  His wound is closing, but the disease in his blood is spreading (in modern terms, he probably has an infection).  Nostradamus warns that if his fever doesn’t break by tonight, he could die.  Bash is well enough to joke that having a pretty lady near him is better than a grizzly Nostradamus (speak for yourself dude).  She decides to stay and keep him company instead of returning to the tournament.  Unlike all the other ladies who check on him and dash, Lola has buried several of her brothers and isn’t put off by death.  Because of Scarlet Fever, not because she killed them or something.  Anyway, now she’s only afraid of, “being alone.”  And there’s a moment where she reaches to touch him and pulls back at the last moment.  Bash is, of course, a continuous flirt.  This won’t end badly at all, nope.

Lola almost touches Bash while she nurses him to health

Tomas wins the tournament and gives his “favor”, which is a pink rose, to Mary.  That’s flower speak for “admiration.”  Everyone is taken aback, but Francis shrugs it off and says it’s fine.  Mary tries to apologize to Francis, but he knows that Tomas is showboating.  He’s taking the whole thing as well as can be expected for someone who only recently realized he might have feelings for someone he was going to be forced to marry and now can’t.  Stupid spy!  Then there’s even more commotion as Lord Simon Westbrook, the Evil English envoy, is arrested for being said stupid spy.  How dare you deny the shippers Westbrook!  Frary FOREVER*.  He denies it of course.

Catherine confronts Mary in the hall, the same one from episode 3 where I gushed about the windows.  Except somehow now the windows have yellow glass which is striking and lovely.  Do they change to match Mary’s dress?  We probably weren’t supposed to notice.  I do love that you can see the wooden beams in the ceiling here.  Anyway, Catherine lets Mary know that all she sees when looking at Mary is death and that she’d love to see her leave.  It’s a really disturbing thing to say to someone actually.  Mary asks why she isn’t set free if that’s the case, and naturally that’s because Henry must have all the things.

Reign – Newly yellow windows

Henry and Catherine do tell her that they’ll release Mary from her engagement if she agrees to sign testimony that Westbrook was involved in the ambush.  Only a prostitute overheard this supposed boasting, and they can’t condemn a noble person with that.  They’re not even people!  Mary questions the witness, Judith, who is wearing a lot of blush (that’s how you know she’s a prostitute) and looks scared.  She says that she saw his medallion (the royal English seal), and risked his wrath because he seemed like a horrible person.  Mary agrees to sign the testimony, and Henry decides Westbrook will be beheaded at the Michaelmas banquet.  Festive!

In case you were wondering, Michaelmas, aka the Feast of Saint Michael and the Archangels, is a holiday that takes place on September 29.  It was a Holy Day of Obligation, which basically means, “pretend it’s Sunday, go to mass, don’t work.”  I’m not really sure where beheading falls in “joy proper to the Lord’s day“.  The good news is that we have an idea of the timeframe again.

Reign – Queen Catherine

Nostradamus congratulates Catherine on her victory in getting rid of Mary.  She’s unhappy that it involved her people dying.  Nostradamus reminds her that Westbrook is kind of her cohort, but that doesn’t seem to be helping him now.  Sorry dude, Catherine has what she wants and you’ve also offended her.  No help over here!  Unless… oh, nope.  Nostradamus says Mary will still kill everyone if she stays.  Too bad.

Mary is packing when all four ladies come to comment on how quickly she’s moving with Tomas.  It seems Mary is moving to Portugal in two days.  Tomas works fast!  The girls are offended that Mary doesn’t want them to come, but Mary was just afraid to force them.  Kenna is suspiciously quiet during this interchange, and doesn’t agree to leave when everyone else speaks up.  Mary doesn’t seem to notice.  What is Kenna supposed to do, start from scratch with a new king to be a third mistress?  NONSENSE.

Reign – I don’t want to go

Francis is practicing his archery by himself when Mary comes to speak with him.  There is a lot of melodrama sap here.  They want to make out, but they can’t in case someone sees.  Francis says

I don’t know who’s lucky anymore.  I used to think that we were, the years that we had as children, the time we’ve had since you’ve been back at court.  Now I feel those days like something sharp in my heart.

I will help you feel something sharp in your heart, good lord.  Stab stab.  They decide to meet somewhere private after dark so they can smooch without worry. Unfortunately, they’re overheard by one of Tomas’ servants, who promptly tells on them.

Reign – Kenna

Guess where Kenna is?  She’s shown up at the King’s bedroom door with a glint in her eye.  We are not surprised at all!  She’s decided that she’d rather throw all that talk of saving herself and maintaining her reputation out the window, because now she doesn’t have time to play out her game of chicken with him.  The king actually shows some restraint when he hears her explanation.  “Is that supposed to convince you or me?”  She wants him to name her his mistress so she’ll have a place at court and not have to leave.  “And perhaps in time, I could have more.”  Hi, I heard about this Anne Boleyn chick in England, what do you think?  The king says, sorry, I have a mistress.  In case you forgot, you’re third in line here.  She leaves disappointed.

Francis is yelling about Westbrook over a sleeping Bash, because apparently this won’t hurt his recovery the way Lola checking on him supposedly did.  Be super quiet when he’s awake, scream all you want when he’s sleeping!  Catherine speaks of Francis’ soft heart, mentioning his love of Bash, his “bastard brother”, which is said not so much as a word describing the act of being born out of wedlock, but more in the angry, derogatory way it’s more commonly used today.  Francis is also worried about what will happen to Mary if she leaves.  Catherine encourages him to let Mary go, but Francis decides to trust his instincts, which don’t trust Tomas.

Reign – Your Bastard Brother

Mary and Francis meet in the grove for their make out session.  He’s late because he’s been asking questions about Tomas all over the castle and not being secretive about it at all.  He’s heard that Tomas is cruel to his servants, but Mary brushes him off and says that she can take care of herself.  She counters, “There are rumors about all royals.  You know what they say about you?  Half of Europe thinks that you’re sickly and weak and stunted.”  This was probably true, but the show has obviously decided it was not.  A love triangle doesn’t play out quite so well if one of the them is sick and stuttering all the time.  Mary keeps talking, and Francis kisses her to shut her up.  Or maybe his passion just overwhelmed him.  It’s hard to tell with these two.

She returns to her room, happy and giggling with Horse Hair, to find Tomas waiting for her.  He wants to set down some rules for her, maybe something along the lines of “don’t make out with other people when we’re engaged.”  As it turns out though, Tomas is a complete ass.  Are you surprised?  Because somehow I’m not.  Mary is told to get in line, which means shut up, look pretty, give all of your power to your husband.  Oh, and don’t forget that every time you displease him in any way, this random dude will be whipped.  Can’t wait for our wedding! <3 <3

Reign – Tomas is an ass

For some good news, Bash isn’t going to die, though he still looks like death.  His fever has finally broken, but he’s still weak as a kitten.  He’s been told to stay in bed and let the whole in his stomach heal, but does he do that?  Of course not!  Francis and Bash are talking about Tomas might be a monster when Tomas actually barges in to say I AM A MONSTER! SURPRISE!  He calls Mary his property, and insults Francis who then tries to take a swing at Tomas.  Bash stops him, further injuring himself.

The girls are all picking things out of a costume chest for the upcoming party, and everyone is wearing their sourpuss faces.  Kenna is being a spoiled brat, pouting about her missed chance to bed a king.  Greer decides to make the best of it, and takes two costumes while making eyes at the kitchen boy.  Kenna decides to join in and takes the sexiest costume she can find, because desperate is the only language she speaks.

Back in her room, Mary is getting ready in a dress with the craziest peplums I’ve ever seen (Beth called them fins) when Burlap Sack drops off the royal English seal.  What could this possibly be related to??  Mary ponders this allowed because she forgot the plot of the episode.

Reign – Lola as a Valkyrie

Out in the garden, Bash is practicing some swordplay, because he fully understands “rest or you’ll die.”  Lola comes up dressed in wings and a gold helmet with wings on it, which I’m told makes her a Valkyrie.  My knowledge of Norse mythology is pure crap, so I’m taking Beth’s word for it.  Any flirting Lola came to do is interrupted by the arrival of Francis.  They complain about Tomas some, and Bash offhandedly mentions how convenient it was that the French troops were ambushed so that Tomas could come to Mary’s rescue, which is when Francis realizes that’s exactly how Tomas planned it.

At the party, Westbrook is chained to a chair that looks suspiciously like a throne.  Mary, dressed as “Forever 21’s Artemis” as Beth put it.  Is that a giant jeweled newt in her hair?  She’s come to ask him about the similarities between Westbrook’s seal and the royal English seal.  Turns out he’s related to the queen is a cousin, and her rose is white but Westbrook’s is red.  Should have put suspenseful music in there.

Reign – Artemis Costume

Tomas calls Mary to him, remarking on her costume.  She says she knew the bow was his favorite weapon, but he says it’s his second favorite.  While looking down.  At his crouch.  Also, there are rooster feathers in his cap.  I kind of wish they’d just forget the whole historical thing all together so that Tomas could have come dressed as Captain Hammer.  He’s being very forward in public, and actually squeezing Mary until she hurts.  He obliquely accuses her of messing around with Francis, and threatens her when she plays innocent.

Reign – Hello Down There!

Francis comes to her rescue, and counters Tomas’ posturing with some vague accusations regarding planning the ambush.  Bash is there as backup, even though he looks like he’ll fall over at any minute.  They’d better get proof quick, or this whole show might have to change it’s arc.  Miguel, his valet and Mary’s whipping boy, is their key witness.  They also realize the prostitute, Judith, must be found as well.  Too bad Miguel is off hunting with Tomas suddenly!  That’s not suspicious.

The kitchen boy surprises Greer in the livery costume she took.  She’s nervous about him being caught, but he explains that Michaelmas is celebrated by pretending everyone is equal, even the servants.  I must have overlooked that part when I was researching it, but it earns him a kiss and he seems sweet, so I’ll go with it.

Mary catches Judith as she’s fleeing town.  Her face is bruised and she’s terrified, but tells Mary that the rose on the seal she saw was white.  That means someone got their details mixed when they were pretending to be Westbrook.  Mary gets her to agree to help.

Meanwhile, Tomas is taunting Miguel, and is ready to shoot him with his penis bow.  Francis and Bash show up just in time.  Well, almost.  Miguel is still shot, but it’s not fatal.  Bash has a sword to Tomas’ throat, though I’m not sure what kind of protection that’s meant to be considering he can barely hold the thing.  Tomas takes advantage and fights back.  Bash ends up tearing open his wound and Francis has to rescue him.  These two should consider helping less, because they sure do screw it up a lot.  Francis ends up killing Tomas, which probably means war with Portugal.  Geez Francis!  Can’t you do anything right?

Reign – Clown Braids

Reign – Clown Costume

Back in the castle, it’s time to execute Westbrook.  Gather round everyone!  The real spectacle is Horse Hair, who looks like a clown rising up out of the mists.  That neck ruff wouldn’t even be invented for a few more years.  Maybe Nostradamus tipped her off.  I’m starting to think that her hair dresser doesn’t know how to do anything else but multitudes of braids, but at least they look a little less unkempt when they’re worn up like this.

Kenna runs to the king to convince him to delay the execution.  He resists at first, saying it would make him look weak, but she tells him it would make him a better king.  He calls her brave for baring her heart, and decides he’s had enough of Catherine belittling him and Diane running off to shop in Paris.  Though really, it’s not Diane’s fault this supposed French castle is in the middle of nowhere.  So he says to hell with a mistress old enough to be my mother, and a wife that is the  mother of my children.  It’s time for a mistress young enough to be my daughter!  BASES COVERED.

Just then, Francis and Mary show up with a dead Tomas and their two witnesses.  We’re spared their revelations and skip straight to Westbrook’s reappointment as Portugal’s new envoy.  It’s too bad, he was nice on the eyes and old enough to not make me feel like a creeper.  I enjoyed his cocky banter with Mary.  The new story is that Tomas died trying to protect Francis from a stag’s horns while hunting.

King Henry: The matter will be forgotten by all of us.

Lord Westbrook: And history too no doubt.

Hahaha, I see what you did there!

Reign – Vintage 70’s Crochet Dress

Mary gets reinstated as Francis’ fiance wearing a crocheted horror literally from the 70’s topped by some kind of harness torture device.  Before the king and mention negotiations with her uncle, she swoops in and announces herself the negotiator.  Suck it uncle!  Mary publicly reminds the king of the embarrassment and war she helped France avoid, and gets him to agree to better terms.  So now Scotland finally has the troops she initially asked for protecting the border.  In only cost them the death of a bunch of French soldiers, a broken engagement, an injured Bash, a dead diplomat, and an almost war with two different countries.

Back in Mary’s bedroom the girls are chatting when Francis shows up.  So Kenna runs off to Henry.  Now that he’s decided to name her his mistress, she’s ready to do whatever he wants.  “Be gentle.”  “I will.  The first time.”  BARF.

Reign – Kenna – Be Gentle

Mary is flattered that Francis killed for her.  “You’re a true queen.  A queen any king would kill for.”  I just don’t even know what to say to that.  Assume it’s negative.  But even though Francis now realizes he wants to be with Mary, he still has to wait and see if the wedding will be good for France.  They are just the sweetest, most romantic couple EVER.

Mary yells down the secret corridor to Burlap Sack, thanking her for her role in solving the mystery of the secret spy.  “I used to feel so alone here.  I don’t anymore.  And I hope you don’t either.”  She needn’t have bothered though, because Burlap Sack is nestled right there under Mary’s bed.  That’s not creepy at all!  I love how they just slip that in there quick before the credit role.  I actually missed it the first time through.

Reign – Burlap Sack under Mary’s bed

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*I do hope you know that’s in jest.  Frary is a horrible name and the shippers must be stopped.