Episode 4, Raising Hell. Sounds like it will be full of action. And look at this screenshot Hulu is using for the episode. FIERCE.

If you remember, we left off with Simon drooling over Clary’s throbbing neck pulse. Doesn’t that sound hot? This one starts with Clary dreaming of losing her memories I guess, though she’s rolling around like she’s doing interpretative dance in her bed. When she wakes with a start, she sees Jace sitting with her. Except it’s actually Simon. Awesome. I’m glad we’re starting with the love triangle nonsense right off the bat.

Does this look like a freshly cleaned cut to you?

Simon has been in the infirmary of the Institute, except from the looks of things, they don’t even know how to clean a simple cut. Clary tells him again how he’s all she has left, and Jace is conveniently hovering outside her door listening. Always a sign of a worthy romance. You have two amazing options here Clary.

We go over whether Jace is trustworthy again.  Clary rambles on in contradictory statements for a while. “I need to know who I really am. I want to put all of this behind me. Maybe I’ll remember where my mom hid the cup. I’m so lost.”  You said it sister. But it’s true, her mom is missing because of this lost cup, so we might as well try to find it.

“Start with what we know. We know that dreams are remnants of memories.” Do we? I mean, sure, lots of them do pull from real life, but I’m fairly certain my reoccurring nightmare about the vampires, werewolves, and mummies taking over the world was not pulling from anything my 6 year old brain had encountered. Regardless, they remember that Magnus Bane took her memories, and suddenly they have their “first real lead.”  We’ll just disregard the fact that they figured this out already in the last episode, and again in the one before that.

Simon is hallucinating blood on his lip and Camille walking up behind him, and his first thought is, “I’ve got to get out of here.” I’m not really sure how that’s the Institute’s fault, but if you want to run around unprotected where vampires can actually get to you, have at it Simon. You’re annoying anyway.

After the title sequence, we come back to Clary walking into Jace’s bedroom unannounced while he’s punching some workout thing. He doesn’t have a shirt on, and so we can see that he has a lot of muscles and no hair, which is no surprise. I think I would die of shock if they had a normal looking human male shirtless on one of these shows. This also means we get to see all of his runes.

Clary is so embarrassed, which I don’t get at all. He helpfully puts a shirt on for her so she can turn back around and actually look at him. I KNOW.  That can’t have been the first time. Though I guess if you have a 17 year old teenage crush, everything embarrasses you. What I find more interesting is the proposed architectural layout of this abandoned church. Jace’s room has glass panel walls, and through them you can see stonework and one of the cusped windows with some stained glass visible. This is actually a fairly common historic preservation approach to very old buildings/dig sites where you don’t want to restore something so much as reuse it while remembering its past. For example, here’s a picture I took while in a subway station in Athens.

You can see the archaeology there, the yellowish bits. It’s all behind glass walls very similar to Jace’s room. I think this is pretty cool set design. It serves the show in that the outside of the building is meant to look abandoned, and so the actual wall is left as is, while also demonstrating real life historic reuse techniques.

I also did some digging and discovered the outside shots of the Institute are actually the Metropolitan United Church of Toronto, a lovely Gothic church that’s still fully in use today. So I guess if you’re super romantic about this show, you could go get married there or something.

I can’t find any evidence that the window in the shot above (with Jace) exists in this church though. However, I did find a full shot of it being built, thanks to shadowhunterstv.com. I’ve never seen a design exactly like this, but you can tell that it takes many elements from traditional Gothic windows.

Okay, back to the show. Sorry, I actually got interested in something there for a minute.

Jace and Clary have a back and forth about trusting Simon (sound familiar yet?whether Clary’s memories will be useful, whether she’s worth the people risking their lives for her. Typical teenage drama stuff.  Isabelle barges in to tell them the “mundie” is leaving. She has a weird braid across the back of her head, layered over only about 3 inches of space before disappearing again under her hair. Someone must have decided it looked dumb, because a second later, in the same scene, it’s gone.

Simon has decided they’re not safe there, where all the superhero powered people and weapons are, the ones that just kept him from being eaten by a vampire. He actupally calls Jace “Captain America” like it’s an insult, and I guess if Jace were a goody goody it might be. Otherwise Captain America is pretty cool. He also challenges Jace with the ever mature, “Come at me bro!” Seriously Simon. Get it together. He decides he can protect his family, and Clary, and himself, even though he’s demonstrated all of that is untrue. So he leaves, and Clary stays.

The whole Rescue Ranger team has gather around a table in front of one of those massive screens that haven’t been super helpful thus far. They’re just using it to look at pictures of Magnus Bane throughout his 300+ years, a la Doctor Who. Hodge is flicking his finger upwards over the tablet controlling the tv in the dumbest way possible. They can’t even make technology we actually have look normal and cool. Clary refers to him as the “Downworld’s David Guetta,” and after a quick GIS, I’m just confused. [not surprised, he’s a musician – B.]

There’s more stupid rune burning from Hodge, and more terrible technology use from Isabelle, but they decide to lure Magnus out of hiding from Valentine by attending a rave. Apparently it’s a big deal. Their bait is a necklace that alerts its wearing to the presence of demons; he had given it to his lover at the time, Camille. Yeah, that Camille. They’re all super impressed with it, but I think it looks super fake and ugly. That might be my lack of class coming out, I don’t know.

Speaking of Valentine, he’s back after being absent all of episode 3.  There are mostly invisible people in his lair, except for their eyes which are strangely obvious. He has the guy that Dot stabbed with a needle in episode 2 blow some kind of green smoke on the Clave scouts that are hiding there, which somehow kills both them and the guy who did it. I don’t understand, but apparently there was some kind of mutation from whatever was in that syringe. Valentine stabs him with the light sword anyway. I don’t know what’s going on. I did notice that he also has that burned circle rune on his neck though, which seems weird considering everyone thought he died in a house fire and the revolt fell apart. I must either be mis-remembering something from the book, or the show is making stuff up again. He tells the other lackey, “Gather the dead Seelies. Their blood could be interesting.”  We start to get a weird idea of what those unseen creatures in cages and the various syringes were for from earlier episodes.

The other real adult in the show, Luke, also comes back for this one. His partner seems to know who/what he is, and is warning him that his captain is keeping a closer eye on him now that those two witnesses are dead. “Get your act together Luke. Our people need you to keep your shield.”  “If you want me to get the Cup so badly, I need to get Clary alone.”  They’re really painting him as a shifty character here.

Isabelle decides to dress Clary for the party, no surprise there. She gives her a very tight, small black dress, also no surprise. I’m actually more surprised that the first thing she picked up was pink and sparkly and full of tulle.  “You’re so lucky to have such a flat chest. I can never wear that without a bra.” Jace walks in and does some obvious up and down staring, but then they act all embarrassed to be around each other after Isabelle makes an excuse to leave. He gives Clary a “seraph dagger”, which is a smaller light sword.

Elias, a warlock with little forehead horns, doesn’t want Magnus to leave their hideout because it’s too dangerous. Magnus is pretty sure he’s super badass though, and just tells them to all maintain the protective wards until he gets back.

Isabelle finds Alec going over his arrows. He has not dressed for this party. She’s pretty annoyed that he’s not excited about it. As usual, Alec is mad they’re helping Clary, because she’s Valentine’s daughter and everything surrounding her is crap. He’s not wrong. She’s been a cannonball of chaos since she showed up. Ranting cheered him up a little bit though. She warns him to stop bottling things up before he explodes.

Simon gets home, closes all of his blinds because of the vampire thing, and falls into bed just as Maureen storms into his room. Was she just hanging out there waiting for him? He missed rehearsal last night and didn’t call her. He has an excuse about schoolwork, but of course his mom comes in and moms things up. “If you’re going to be out with Clary all night, one of you has to have a phone.” Hahaha, whoops. Maureen’s really only worried that he might be dating Clary, but he admits they’re not. She tells him she’d like to date him, gets flustered, bumps into a picture breaking the glass, and things get weird. There’s a drop of blood on the glass where she cut her finger, and she leaves angry because he’s just staring at it and not answering her. Can you guess what happens next? Yeah, he tasted it.

Apparently they’re back at the club where Jace stole the flying motorcycle; he said that was “vampire night.” There’s stupid banter and sex jokes about Isabelle admiring men’s jewels in reference to the necklace. Inside, people are dancing in a way that does not entice me to ever attend a rave myself.  They’re saying his name awfully loud for a group of people that claim to care whether or not Valentine shows up. Magnus checks that the necklace is authentic, and reads an inscription on the back that they actually showed us wasn’t there. I don’t think anyone proofs this show at all.

Magnus fed Clary’s memories to a “memory demon” so Valentine couldn’t torture the location of the cup out of him. Clary finds out that Dot is dead, and her acting skills are pushed a little too far. But then Magnus does some cool magic to open a portal to his hideout and so I was distracted from her. She refuses to go with him, but then Alec kills someone approaching them with a knife. Magnus does a double take when he sees Alec, which is adorable, but then runs through the portal to escape Valentine’s men.

Clary manages to keep a ring from his finger where she was grasping his hand as he left. She has a bit of a temper tantrum outside, but Jace can use it to track Magnus. Except “the signal isn’t strong enough,” so they have to do “parabatai tracking.” Clary says, “This whole parabatai thing seems oddly intimate if you ask me,” which is funny, because they’re making googly eyes at each other while holding hands. They keep holding and then not holding weapons, and I’m not sure where they’re being stashed from moment to moment…

They get into Magnus’ lair, but it’s already been infiltrated. He’s fighting a shadowhunter who mentions killing Elias and getting his warlock mark. They’re glossing over this a bit, but warlocks always having a distinguishing feature that shows they’re not human. For Elias, it was the horns. Magnus has yellow cat eyes. Alec helps him kill the shadowhunter, which allows them to formally meet and stutter at each other while grinning stupidly. It’s nice to see Alec smile.

Magnus and Clary talk, and he says something about her and her mother helping people from their hearts instead of duty. He’s saying shadowhunters are stuck up assholes. He does some fancy magic that moves the entire lair. Magnus is a little over the top, but his magic is pretty cool.

Simon is trying to call Clary but she’s obviously not answering. He leaves her a message about how he’s sorry and how he hasn’t been feeling right since leaving the vampires. It’s too bad he didn’t say something when he was still with people who could actually help him. “It’s probably just the flu.”  Oh. Keep being dumb Simon.

Back to Magnus. He gives the necklace to Isabelle in thanks for their help defeating Valentine’s men, and takes the opportunity to ask her what Alec likes as gifts. Clary doesn’t have time for this flirting and wants to summon the demon now. Like, right now.

The Best

Magnus warns Clary to trust no one, not even the Clave. That includes him. He gives her a plastic sounding leather holder of colored chalks, because in order to summon the demon she has to draw a fancy pentagram on the floor. He offers his help, but she actually smirks and says, “I got this.” That really annoyed me for some reason.

Jace has to give her a rune because the Memory Demon is a Great Demon. “The rune will be far more powerful than anything you’ve faced so far.” I don’t know what this rune is for, they never bother to tell us. She does scream like a horror movie while he puts it on though.

I have a really hard time believing that she drew that freehand and little enough time has passed that she doesn’t look a bit disheveled. Then again, she wakes up with unsmudged mascara and is supposed to be a magic artist, so maybe I should just go with it.  Magnus compares her to Michelangelo, and mentions he was great in bed while looking pointedly at Alec. Alec is still pretending to not understand what’s happening.

They’re supposed to take their rightful place on the pentagram, but Clary is confused and needs help. Apparently the star point 3 inches from her feet was too hard to find. They’re told they can’t let go of each other’s hands no matter what, which means you know someone will. They also make it super dramatic when they each link up. Or at least, it’s supposed to be, and Isabelle even laughs at them for it, but it’s really unimpressive. Magnus knows that the demon will expect payment, but says he doesn’t know what it will be.

Isabelle seems freaked out that her necklace is pulsing. The one that is supposed to warn her when demons are near. When she’s summoning a demon. As flippant as she is, and as obvious as the necklace lighting up should be, she should have said, “Oh look, it works!” But I guess we’re supposed to be buckling down for the drama now.

For payment, they have to give up a memory of whoever they love the most. Isabelle gives Alec, Clary gives her mother, and then Alec gives Jace. Jace looks confused, and Alec freaks out. They’re parabatai, this shouldn’t be that weird. But Alec makes it weird, and Isabelle tries to reassure him, but he’s really super not ready to come out. Instead, he breaks the circle and the demon gets free. Magnus is trying to contain him, but it grabs Jace. Alec and Isabelle try to pull him free, but they’re failing. Her options are let the demon take Jace, or kill the demon and lose her memories forever. The moment she stabs it is when we get that image of her being fierce that I first posted, though it loses a little of its effect when she’s wobbling on four inch heels and keeping her knees together because her dress is uncomfortably short. Hopefully for her own grace, they’ll let her fight in her own clothes next time.

Clary: Is he going to be alright?
Magnus: I don’t know. Does he normally just lay like that without moving?

She gives him a really dirty look, but considering I have zero emotional attachment to these characters, I found it funny.  They keep telling him to get up until he wakes up.

Magnus: There’s nothing to be ashamed of, Alec.
Alec: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Magnus: You will.

After what looks like a shower and a change of clothes, which is oddly a zip up hoodie that isn’t fully zipped and no shirt underneath, Jace checks on Clary. He compliments himself by telling her she must have had a great sword teacher. When he leaves, she starts trying to call Simon, but now he’s not answering because he’s outside the Hotel DuMort, aka Camille’s lair. She decides to get ready for bed, and stops to touch her ridiculously huge rock necklace. When it glows and shows her her mother, Valentine is leaning over her, and says, “Nice to see you Clary. You want your mother? GIVE ME THE CUP.” She throws the necklace on the bed with the weakest arm I’ve ever seen. And that flippant gesture is our dramatic ending.

In this episode, we start with the Rescue Rangers regrouping at the Institute after Simon has been kidnapped by some vampires. Clary is somehow managing to act in charge while also clueless. She pulls out her teen snark, which is sadly some of her most authentic acting; even that is strained.

Clary: I still don’t understand. How can Shadowhunters be better than […] mundanes?
Isabelle: Because we protect humans.
Clary: You’re right. Humans.

Clary has so much attitude. Hello! Simon is human! Maybe get your head out of your asses and do your damn jobs. Alec of course is standing around like he’s trying to put up with a room full of screaming toddlers and he’s the only mature 12 year old in sight. Jace looks constipated, quickly becoming what I consider his standard look, and Isabelle is trying, but I really think her costumer hates her.

Though, I’m not sure what is up with Alec’s jacket either. Are those plastic buckles for attaching things? A diaper bag maybe?

Clary: Why do they think that? Why does anyone think that? What, my mom lies to me my entire life except, “Oh, by the way, there’s this magic cup I hid on, like, the planet Bongo, but don’t tell anyone.”

There’s that snark I mentioned. It’s almost funny even.

Clary: Listen… when you saved my life… I put my trust in you. And now I need you to put your trust in me. I can’t turn into what you are overnight. [which part of that are we supposed to trust? you make no sense lady!]
Isabelle: It’s true. She was raised as a mundane. [stating the obvious there.. super helpful, thanks.]
Alec: What are you, her spokesman now? [Alec, what is your problem dude.]
Clary: I don’t need a spokesman, I need a plan.

And then she storms off while the rest of them are looking like they were just called out for acting like big bad superheroes when really they’re just sulky teenagers who like to sneak out and can’t even protect a single human without bickering and losing him. Duh guys! Trust her! She’s new and terrible at this! She’ll fix it!

Meanwhile, Simon is screaming through a bronze door with a cross shaped window cut into it. He’s saying every cliche thing you can imagine a nerd would say about how he’s not worth it, he’s nobody, he didn’t even see you, surely you can let him go. It’s terrible. And then a vampire shows up and the show makes you think Simon is getting eaten.

Clary: Look at all this stuff, these screens. I mean, can any of this help me find Simon?

Or, I don’t know, the 20 people standing around that none of you will even visually acknowledge much less ask for help. The other three spend some time joking about how Isabelle likes to make out with fairies. Suddenly, they need permission to leave, and permission to have weapons, even though they’ve been running around willy nilly in the weapons shelf since the show started. But it’s okay, Jace has a plan for getting them that is apparently easier than continuing to pretend the other people in the building don’t exist.

Simon is with the vampire in a room full antiquities. He bumps into a marble statue that bongs like a bell. Simon is a hostage, and the vampires can’t sell her their old stuff because they can’t explain where it came from. Their leader is a lady with absurdly long nails who walks like her hips are attached by rubber bands and impossible to keep in line. All of it is ridiculous.

The Rescue Rangers are digging up the grave of a dead Shadowhunter, because apparently they’re buried with a stash of weapons. Alec continues to try to convince Jace this is a bad idea. They attempt a joke when Jace says “Abracadbra” before opening the above ground tomb, basically the only one you can see in the graveyard, and Clary thinks that it’s something they actually say for their “magic”.  Alec can only use a bow I guess, and there isn’t one there, so he runs back to the Institute to get one. Because now he can? Jace stays behind to teach Clary how to use a light sword in the graveyard, and they play this off as a sexy flirt scene.

He tries to explain why he knows Alec will come back to help. “We’re parabatai.” Let me just throw that out there and expect you to understand! Then he tries to explain, and I *think* he’s supposed to be getting choked up with emotion about how close he is with Alec? But he looks like he’s trying not to throw up. Maybe he was really really sick when he filmed this episode.

The vampires can snap their fingers and freeze humans. That’s neat.

Isabelle is having sex with a fairie to learn how to get into the vampires’ lair. They apparently can’t lie. I am again reminded why Disney realized they needed to change the name of this channel from ABC Family to Freeform. They just can’t make a teen show anymore without copious amounts of bedroom time.

Jace and Clary go to some kind of biker bar, and just walk right in because 17 year olds can do that. He teaches Clary to see through some kind of glamour thing so she can tell who the Downworlders are. He challenges her to compliment a guy on his motorcycle and resist his charms, without telling her that he has the power to mess with her brain. Jace is watching this vampire seduce her, and he looks… excited about it. This show is weird.

Simon is making out with the head vampire lady, and she’s trying to get information out of him. Obviously, the only way to question someone in this world is to sex them up. Everyone is doing it. Most of it is not consensual. The vampire finds out that Magnus Bane took Clary’s memories and is angry. She offers Simon a Bloody Mary, which I guess is a vampire joke.

Isabelle’s fairie knows how to get into the vampire lair because he’s been having sex with the head lady.  I’m not sure how her really obvious and over the top questioning session actually got that information out of him. Even he didn’t look like he was falling for it, and he made it clear he doesn’t trust her.

Alec is using his stele, their little LED wands, to look at his arrow shaft. He had mentioned something about runed arrows before, but I guess the special effects people forgot to add them in here. He’s caught by Hodge. “Don’t tell me. I don’t wanna have to report you.” Because that’s not weird. You’re on probation for some really terrible traitor stuff, but sure, let’s encourage the teenagers to continue to break rules. That won’t look weird. He tries to say Clary is Valentine’s daughter, but even that makes his rune burn. He slaps it very dramatically, turning his head so you see it lighting up clearly, just in case you forgot his excellent overacting skills from the last episode. He can say “the monster’s daughter” though, because somehow that’s different.

Hodge: You remind of me of me, Alec. A loyal friend standing in the shadow of the chosen one. Hey.. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. Look where it got me.

Now, maybe it’s just me, but doesn’t this sound like he’s antagonizing Alec into defying Jace and risking everyone?

The vampire and Clary look like they’re about to have sex on the motorcycle, which, if I didn’t mention it, is parked inside the bar. Jace finally decides to intervene. We get a glimpse of how cool the fight scenes in the show could be if they weren’t so incredibly inept at writing it. There are some fun noises when they move supersonic fast. All of this was just to steal the keys for the motorcycle, which runs on demon energy and can fly.  The music swells as they lift off, and she giggles and holds him.  I got a sick feeling in my stomach as I had a flashback to Edward calling Bella his little spider monkey…

Simon and his vampire are still making out. Is it supposed to be hot? It’s really not. So much so that it’s uncomfortable to watch. But they are drawing blood, which is going to work out great for him, I can tell.

Alec and Isabelle are in the basement I guess?

Alec: Okay.
Isabelle: Okay? It was hard work interrogating Meliorn (MEE’-lee-orn) to get this intel.
Alec: Great job Izzy. You have faerie dust on your dress. And I hate being the distraction.
Isabelle: I don’t.

He’s being sarcastic here, but I have to admit, I think he’s rather nice looking when he smiles.

She’s very proud of herself. Own it.

Here’s what I don’t understand. Why are the runes red and black? Why do they look like marker? Why aren’t they all varying shades of burn scars? Why do they have to be HUGE? Why did her makeup artist do such a lazy job with her fairie dust? I have so many questions.

Simon and the vampire are still making out, until she does a really horribly stupid-looking thing where she smells the Shadowhunters.

Seriously, I think one of the biggest problems this show is that it took cues from the first Twilight movie. That really wasn’t something anyone should aspire toward. Though even if they were, at least Twilight is amusingly terrible. Usually this show is not even that. This is where vampire-lady’s acting skills start falling apart. She sounds really silly bossing everyone around. I’m still reminded of bad high school plays. I think Simon is pretending to be drunk now that he realizes Clary is there to get him? Though I don’t think he was pretending to suck face.

It burrrns.

Jace and Clary are on the roof, where he’s giving her two new runes: one to protect her from the “encanto” the biker vampire was doing, and one to make her silent when she moves. These are actually pretty good looking. Clary must have a better makeup artist. Well, for the new ones. The one on her neck still looks like lip gloss.

Jace decides now would be a good time to chitchat about the human fascination with vampires.

Jace: The mundane world is all into vampires. I don’t get it. They see everyone else as an animated sack of meat.
Clary: Yeah, I certainly don’t see the romance.
Jace: That’s ’cause now you know it’s all real. [Dude. You JUST said you didn’t get it. And now you’re explaining to her why she doesn’t?]
Jace: Still, you gotta hand it to them, though. They know how to frame a narrative.

I swear, this is the funniest thing this show has ever done. I’m certain they were not attempting to make fun of themselves, and yet…

Clary asks about the chances of Simon becoming a vampire, and we learn that you have to drink vampire blood, and… other stuff. He doesn’t specify. Don’t be too vague in your foreshadowing now, you wouldn’t want us to miss it. Vampire bites make the victim feel high, “like they’re in love.” Clary says that’s awful, and instead of agreeing that yes, having your emotions stolen from you and controlled is a horrible kind of coercion, Jace decides now is a good time to lay on the “woe is me” shtick because he’s never been in love. Oh boo hoo. Jace seems to believe that love is something that wears off, and then deflects his baby feelings by insulting Simon.

Isabelle is accusing Alec of hiding his feelings from himself, and he wisely points out that maybe it’s not such a good idea to have some kind of deep conversation about our feels while we’re walking into a lair of vampires who want to kill us. “I don’t know, it looks pretty smooth so far.” And so now we know it won’t be any longer.

They open a door and find a clump of vampires standing there that look surprised to see them. It’s like they weren’t even down there looking for intruders. Alec tries to put a rune on the door, but it doesn’t take, so Izzy uses his light sword to cut off a pipe and stick it through the door handle as a kind of lock. Then she makes a stupid joke about the pen not being mightier than the sword. Who writes this? I need to make a list so I never watch anything else they make.

Alec and Izzy are enjoying taking the vampires out one by one. The bow is pretty cool. The vampires explode into what looks like the embers that float into the air when you burn paper. Izzy is using her snake bracelet-turned-whip to drag them to her before she stabs them with the light sword. Her moves are a series of step, pose, special effect. It’s very blocky and boring. This is a good example of how most of the fight scenes are NOT cool.

The four of them meet up, and Clary has to fight the biker dude whose bike she stole. There are more bad jokes, and she kills her first vampire and everyone is proud that she “did awesome”. It’s a bit of an overstatement really, but I guess she’s new. Their expectations might be low. At one point she’s held hostage, and Alec decides to just shoot a hole in the wall so that sunlight will pour in and burn up the vampire holding her. Alec could be so cool if he wanted to be.

Simon is trying to get away when the lackey vampire grabs him. That guy convinces the head vampire, I’ve just realized her name is Camille, she needs to escape while she can. She nearly dislocates her hip as she storms off.

We get a slow-mo shot of the Rescue Rangers walking through the building, flicking their swords, trying to look badass. It’s pretty funny. They come into the room where Simon has a knife to his throat, and now suddenly Alec can’t shoot a hole in the wall and they all put their weapons away. The vampire forces them all out of the building, Clary puts up her best “let me at him!” front, but in the end everyone gets out safely. The vampire asks Jace to remember who his friends are; he’s worried about Valentine and wants to stay on the Shadowhunters’ good side.

Jace is very rude to Simon, who is terrified and thinks they still need to run. But it’s daylight, and Jace points out it means they’re safe. Very rudely. Clary looks like she finally realizes Simon is there, and runs to him.

Clary: I couldn’t live without you.
Simon: Say that again. [He’s very hopeful and excited looking.]
Clary: I couldn’t live without you Simon. You’re all I have left. […] You’re my best friend. *cheek kiss*

Simon is, of course, brokenhearted. Izzy thinks now is a good time to apply lip gloss on her definitely still fully lipsticked lips.

Isabelle: Well… No accounting for taste.
Alec: Yeah, you should talk.

Alec and Jace argue about Clary again, but Jace yells for him to stop, catching everyone’s attention. Alec points out that he’s older, and not in Jace’s shadow. Obviously, Hodge’s little seeds of resentment are sprouting. Jace asks why he bothered to help, but Alec just walks off.

Clary stares at Jace. Jace stares at Clary. Simon stares at Clary’s heartbeat in the vein in her neck. Didn’t expect that at all.

This is what it feels like when I watch this show. Nothing they’re saying translates as real. It’s almost as if they were given the script that morning and told to do their best. We might as well be watching a daily soap opera. And that’s weird, because you would think that Disney money could have gotten better people.  At any rate, I’m very bored watching this. It took me 3 days to make it through 41 minutes of TV.  I’ll try to make this at interesting as possible, but there’s not as much to work with as I had with Reign. I never thought I’d say that when I started watching that show, but here I am still enjoying how nuts it can be three seasons in, and so far Shadowhunters just makes me want to take a nap.

We ended episode one with Clary standing over a dead man, flanked by her “mundane” best friend and the Shadowhunter representing her new life. She convinces Simon to join them in the church, which requires Jace to use his stele to mark a rune on his skin so a mundane can see through the glamour protecting their hideout (“Institute”).

Clary: I know, trust me.
Simon: He’s like, burning himself!

Clary is surprisingly calm considering this is probably the first time she’s seen a rune applied. She was unconscious when she received her healing rune, and so far the other Shadowhunters have just been activating runes they already had. Jace has to touch Simon to bring him inside, and Simon freaks out that Jace is hitting on him or something. It’s not cute or funny.

Ew! Boys!

It turns out, they’re inside to hide from the police, who have shown up because of the dead guy outside. Luckily, the police don’t have Jace’s hand to hold to see through the church glamour. Alec, our resident complainer (Was he this lame in the book? I don’t remember him being this lame. What a wet noodle. [actually- he was lamer. -Beth]), is upset that Simon is in the Institute. This provides a reason for some information dropping, and we learn that the current batch of young Shadowhunters aren’t allowed to know about the Circle. All we find out is that there was a revolt and some Shadowhunters died.

Jace says there is someone who can help, but Simon can’t go with him because the floor will kill him. We find out later that this is a lie, but you can tell that picking on the human is going to be one of the shows sources of “humor.” We also get more love triangle awkwardness: “He’s/I’m not her boyfriend! … We’re friends. Best friends” *googly eyes*  And then Simon is immediately rendered stupid by Isabelle activating one of her runes. It turns out he’s not repulsed by it when a half-clad woman does it. Isabelle offers to feed Simon while Jace and Clary do their thing, but apparently the others think her food is deadly. Haha, humans die either way!

This is an odd choice of clothing for fighting, but then, it seems to follow the uniform guidelines for the women who fight in this show. I’m also not entirely sure it fits properly, and it’s not the first time I’ve thought this about an outfit in this series. I think perhaps we can add costuming and/or seamstress to the list of things that were inexplicably left off the budget.

Luke shows up to protect this random warlock from this Circle member, who is one of the “witnesses” he was interrogating when Clary was losing her shit in the first episode.  He offers to protect her in exchange for secrets, but they fight instead and she pulls out one of those glow swords. To preserve the air of mystery they have surrounding Luke and his identity and allegiances, the camera pans out so they’re hidden behind a truck. You hear a beast growing, and then flesh ripping, and then what seems like a mini explosion that shoves the truck back a foot.

Next we meet Hodge, a former Circle member that is now chained to the Institute as a weapons trainer who can’t leave. He’s fighting with his shirt off, because of course he is, and then puts a tank top on over his sweaty self to go to talk Clary and Jace. Why bother? If you took your shirt off so it wouldn’t get gross, you just got it gross, and it’s not like that tight tank top was impeding your movement.  His rune makeup looks terrible. How many people are working on this show, and did any of them compare notes at all? No consistency.

He mistakes Clary for her mother, because I guess he assumes Jocelyn didn’t age in 18 years? And also that he’s blind? Seriously, these two people would not be mistaken for each other.

Hodge: She was Jocelyn Fairchild when I knew her. And she was one of my best friends.

You’d think you’d remember what your best friend looked like.

They ask Hodge a bunch of questions about the Circle, and everything he says causes a circle-shaped rune (*eye roll*) to burn in his neck. He tells her, with increasing dramatics, that the Circle had good intentions but basically did not realize that Valentine was crazy until it was too late. Also, her mother has been brought into this because she was also in the Circle, which upsets Clary quite a bit. Funny how he doesn’t mention that Valentine was also her husband! She has to go all the way to City of Bones for that bit of information. Though we do learn that the Mortal Cup is used to make Shadowhunters and control demons, and that Jocelyn was probably hiding the cup from Valentine and his followers. Also, everyone thought Valentine died in a fire ages ago.

Rune Burn

Clary: You might be some kind of emotionless G.I. Joe but…
Jace: What’s a G.I. Joe?

The dialogue…

Clary can’t remember if her mom hid the cup because of her mind wipe. She realizes Dot is a warlock, so these teenage Rescue Rangers have decided to track her down. She goes from being “frail frightened bunny” Clary to “snappy leather in charge” Clary in the blink of an eye again.

Dot runs into Luke, and they don’t trust each other. They’re both looking for Clary and Jocelyn. Luke is gathering up Clary’s things, including a drawing of a cup on a card. *gasp*! There’s a whole stack of them, and I think they’re Dot’s tarot cards.

Isabelle feeds Simon breakfast in her bedroom, which is massive, from a tray on her bed. She’s so subtle I’m not sure how anyone ever understands her. She’s also blunt in her descriptions of Shadowhunter things, which Simon finds unsettling, mostly because all of it involves him dying. She moves super fast, like Twilight fast, which isn’t helping my brain separate her from Rosalie.

Luke’s captain asks about Clary, and he finds out that she isn’t stuck in a portal limbo after all.

Luke: You know guys that age. They’re idiots.
Captain: Just that age?
Luke: Well, some of us transform ourselves and hide the idiot within.

So heavy handed. HEY EVERYONE! LUKE TRANSFORMS!

Clary is given Isabelle’s most solid piece of clothing, which is still to little fabric for her liking. They have some girl talk about Jace (Isabelle thinks he’s a brother, and Simon is “nerd hot”), and Clary gets a blunt Isabelle not-a-pep-talk. It doesn’t seem to be making the right impression on Simon though, because he’s still angling to get Clary to run off on their own.

What the hell is this hand slapping shit?

Alec, of course, does not approve, but they’re all going to help anyway. Could someone please explain to me how they’re doing everything alone and the Clave seems forever away and nearly unreachable, and yet the Institute is always full of people?

Clary is playing with the necklace when she gets a vision of Dot. She’s gone to Pan-Demon-ium looking for Magnus. He’s sending all his warlock buddies through a portal to hide from Valentine and refuses to help Dot. The Rescue Rangers are too late, and Valentine’s men get Dot in an alley. In the dark. It’s always dark. For some reason they run into the club looking for her even though the last vision Clary had was of Dot being jumped in the alley.

They all decide their last option is visiting the Silent Brothers in the City of Bones so Clary can retrieve her wiped memories. Alec and Isabelle freak out, and so you’d think the whole sequence of them going into the graveyard and underground would be more fraught and tense, but as usual, it’s bland and boring. Though their makeup is decent. The places where this show does and does not try are mind boggling. This episode is named The Descent into Hell Isn’t Easy, and yet, it was. Even the words Clary finds there say so. “For Shadowhunters, the descent into hell is easy.”

Jace: You should know, the pain will be excruciating.

You could have fooled me.

Jace: Clary, you don’t keep the silent hunters waiting.

Oh, did we make an appointment? No. No they did not.

Luke’s captain is getting suspicious when that Circle member’s body shows up with massive claw marks. Alaric, the guy I’ve mostly ignored up to now, tells him he needs to find Clary before their “friends” doubt him.

Jace and Clary pause on their strenuous hell journey of walking down a hallway to have some bonding time, and we learn that Jace’s dad died in the Circle revolt. They hold hands into the Silent Brother’s room and they all appear around them. They use the Soul Sword to retrieve her memories, and it can kill her if she’s not strong enough, and since we know there’s no chance she’s dying in episode 2, this entire scene is not even a little tense. The sword comes down and barely touches her head, and we watch one memory of overhearing her mother mention Valentine is her father. Perhaps this is more shocking to the people who have no knowledge of this series, but it fell very flat for me.

Simon and Isabelle are doing their awkward/forward thing in his van to “listen to his band’s music”, and because it’s a teen show, band member Maureen, the other love triangle, starts texting him. And then Isabelle hears something and Simon is snatched by something with gross fingernails while she’s investigating.

Valentine questions Dot, drugs her, in an attempt to get her to help reverse the potion Jocelyn took to sleep. Later she uses her magic to break the locks on her cell.  She’s actually one of the few decent actors in this trash heap. Her struggles actually seem difficult. Valentine’s lackey attacks her after she gets out, and defends herself by stabbing him with one of the syringes he has lying around. Valentine finishes pushing the plunger and it’s implied that he stabs Dot with his glow sword.

Let’s all take a moment to mourn sweet Dot. You were too good for this world.

Back with the Rescue Rangers, Alec thinks Clary must be a Valentine spy, and it turns out Simon has been taken by some “Night Children”, or vampires. They want to exchange him for the Mortal Cup. Everyone seems to think they should keep it safe from everyone else, instead of working together to keep it from Valentine. The talking vampire looks like my brother. Somehow, this makes sense to me.

And that’s it. Will there be a next time? I honestly don’t know. I’ll have to give Episode 3 a whirl and see if I can even finish watching it. Wish me luck. [At this point there is a limit to what I will make my recappers endure – maybe during sweeps week – b.] 

It’s always great when people can do backflips off overpasses without anyone noticing. Oh right, no one can notice. Except our star, who is *special*.

Meet Clary. It’s her 18th birthday and she’s applying to attend the Brooklyn Academy of Art. They’re not impressed with her presented portfolio, but whoops! She’s sketched images for her and her friend’s graphic novel all over her portfolio by “mistake” and now she’s in the advanced program.

She has a guy friend, Simon, who is our classic “adorable invisible nerd who’s obviously in love with her but she doesn’t know it”. And his bandmate, Maureen, is also in love with him without his noticing. Is it really a YA show if there isn’t a love triangle of some kind? (Seriously, does that exist? Let me know if it does.) While they discuss this love blindness, Clary sets down her biscotti on the table, which appears to be covered in white paper. When she looks back down at it, the biscotti has been replaced with a detailed, realistic drawing of biscotti.

Somehow, neither of them question the drawing’s appearance, only the her memory that she had a real one at all. “Hm, that’s weird… I thought I had a biscotti, but now I just see a drawing of a biscotti. But it’s totally not weird at all that this tablecloth has a single drawing of biscotti on it right where I put mine.”  Oh, and it’s her 18th birthday, which she immediately curses by declaring it “the greatest 18th birthday I ever had.” She’s bright, this one.

I’m on a horse!

Oooh! It’s the soap guy. I’m looking forward to imaging his every scene with a hidden white horse under him. This is Luke, Jocelyn’s (Clary’s mother) boyfriend. He seems to be some kind of detective investigating corpses that have been drained of blood and artfully covered in satin sheets before being abandoned.

Does she look exsanguinated to you?

His captain urges him to marry Jocelyn, but he delivers the line, “We’re.. different.” like he’s mocking someone that would have that line on a soap opera. Also, his eyes glow green and dogs just stop barking. That’s a skill I think a lot of people would love to have.

When Clary gets home, we see that her house is fronted by Greenpoint Antiques, which either includes or is next to a tarot reading/psychic shop. Inside is Dot, who I guess works there? She’s playing with tarot cards and joking about her ability to “see the future”. Pretending she didn’t just turn over what appears to be a death card and that she’s not acting weird at all. We get some ominous music there as Dot flips the shop sign to Closed.

Clary heads upstairs and we meet Jocelyn, her mother.

Jocelyn: You did it, yay!!
Clary: You also follow Simon?
Jocelyn: He only has 92 followers. He needs the retweets. Congratulations.
Clary: Thank you. Hashtag, stalker mom.

Just shoot me now. If things don’t get better once all the magic and sword fighting pick up, I’m not sure I’ll be able to stomach this even for the laughs.

Jocelyn gives Clary a stele, which looks like a little crystal tipped wand. Clary has apparently been doodling the symbols that are sculpted on the handle. Her mother obviously wants to tell her some family secret, but clueless Clary [Clueless Clary] doesn’t pick up on it and is angling to get out as fast as possible to celebrate with Simon and Maureen. S&M (lol, perfect) have a band together currently called Champagne Enema. Seriously. This show is great.

While Clary dresses, Jocelyn is daydreaming about 10 years earlier, when some pond monster nearly ate Clary until Jocelyn kicked its ass.  Terrified, she takes Clary to Magnus, a warlock, to take away her memories of the shadowhunter world. Only Jocelyn thinks this is a good idea. Magnus has glowing yellow eyes. Glowing eyes are obviously a thing here.  When Luke gets home (is this his home? I can’t tell), he gives her a set of spray paints, which she accepts as if they were socks even though her words suggest it’s what she wanted. She has the emotional range of a lamp. Luke tries to breach the Family Secret conversation again, and Clary again chooses to believe nothing her parental units could say would be important and cuts them off. Simon shows up then to take her to his gig. He has an interaction with Luke that I think suggests he’s supposed to be a funny character? Instead, I’m just confused as to why he’s pointing at his nose.

For this night out, Clary dresses in her gift from Dot, a striped black tee where with alternating see through fishnet blocks. She puts a plain zip-up hoodie on over it to tone it down and I assume hide it from her mother. She hugs her mom bye, pointing out that she’s “biologically and legally an adult now” and presumably able to make sound decisions regarding her safety in the city late at night, and then illustrates that maturity by getting a piggy back ride from Simon out of the house.

Maureen questions Clary about her family background, skeptical when Clary says her mom doesn’t have any family and her dad died, so it’s just the two of them. “You guys don’t think that’s a little bit suspicious? You not knowing anything about your family? Your mom could be hiding some deep, dark secret.”  Yeah! Like the one she just tried to tell you! When she gave you the family heirloom crystal wand. “My mother is incapable of concealing anything from me.” Seriously, this chick is dumb. You obviously had no idea that a crystal wand was an important family heirloom Clueless Clary! Did you forget that already?? Probably. They drive home the point by showing Jocelyn getting out her shadowhunter sword before dramatically going to commercial.

Shadowhunter central is teeming with people, (and I know this show is already taking liberty with the books, but wasn’t that place basically a ghost town?) and complete with massive hi-tech touch screens. Alex and Isabelle are brother and sister. She’s dressed like an extra out of call girl portions of Pretty Woman, her runes glistening on her bare skin in a way that makes them look like lip gloss. I’m not sure they’re supposed to do that? Alec is giving her crap about her outfit, especially the wig, which is a platinum bob. She explains it’s what demons like, and Jace, our apparent ring leader who walks like a he really really wants you to know he’s the brawn to Alec’s brains, agrees with her. They leave one screen to walk through the house to another one that has a picture of their shapeshifting demon in his current guise. Maybe these screens aren’t as hi tech as I thought if they can’t even pull that picture up on the screen where they started. These demons are responsible for the now 7 murders of “mundanes” that are showing up with all of their blood drained, which confuses the trio because “isn’t that vampire territory?”  Isabelle is sure she can find out why they want it if she can get a sample. They head out to do whatever it is they do after shutting down Alec when he mentioned getting permission for the mission.

Sure, just rudely leave this door of swords wide open.

Next we get to see the end of the gig, complete with lots of awkward ogling from all of the lovebirds, followed by awkward staring when Simon changes shirts by the van later. They’ve decided to rename the band Rock Solid Panda, and so Clary gets out her new spray paints to decorate the van. Instead, she mysteriously paints another rune. This does not scare her nearly as much as it should. She has no memory of doing it, doesn’t know why she did, and it’s even in three different colors so it wasn’t like a small unnoticed hand movement. “Weird, I didn’t even mean to draw that.” Maureen again points out how weird that is.

Jace ends up bumping into Clary on his way into Pandemonium, where he’s following the shapeshifter. She tells him to watch where he’s going, and he’s surprised she can see him. They have a weird conversation where she accuses him of flirting and he’s mostly flabbergasted, while Simon and Maureen watch her talk to thin air. Finally, Clueless Clary realizes something is off about herself, and chooses to confront the issue by going after Jace to prove he’s real.

Subtle Guys

Inside the night club, where Clary has removed her hoodie, she follows Jace through a very large and crowded space. We see Magnus, surrounded by followers on a corner couch, react to what seems to be seeing Clary, but when he moves it’s to force two members of “Circle” to leave his club. Isabelle starts dancing on a table to lure demons, taking off her ill-fitting coat and wig. Why did she need that wig again? Clary sees one of the light swords and attempts to push the shapeshifter out of the way in some of the world’s worse action effects. Then have a choreographed fight scene where demons explode into little bits like the floating embers from burning paper. At one point, Clary picks up a dropped sword, which had gone out (why didn’t they go out in storage?), and it comes back to life right as a demon happens to fall on it. She ends up running away, catching a cab home, leaving her underage friends there with their martinis.

She is frantically retelling all of this to her mother, who is not that surprised. Somehow, despite describing how people were sprouting tentacles from their faces and being vaporized, Clueless Clary is fixated on the idea that she might have killed someone. Is she drugged? Is she going insane? Maybe she should shut up for 10 seconds so her mom can answer their questions. Before she can explain, Dot runs in to let them know the Circle has found them. Jocelyn puts a necklace on Clary, has Dot open a portal, and then pushes her through it to get her to Luke and safety. Dot gives Jocelyn a potion to use “only if you need it.”

While Clary waits for Luke at the police station, Jocelyn sets fire to Clary’s room and heads through the house to fight. Dot has been pushed out the window and is presumably dead. Sorry Dot. We learn that the Circle is looking for the Mortal Cup for Valentine, who she thought (hoped?) was dead. Jocelyn takes the potion and collapses. Clary is listening in on Luke’s “interrogation”, where two people from the Circle are confronting Luke about hiding the Cup with Jocelyn. Clary is confused by that they refer to her mother as Jocelyn Fairchild, because everything confuses her. Luke tells them they can kill Jocelyn and Clary, but if he finds the cup he’s keeping it for himself. Despite what her mother told her about only trusting Luke, Clary is now, perhaps understandably for once, confused and frightened and runs away again. Luke toward where she was hiding like he knows she’s there, but if so they don’t follow up on it.

In Chernobyl (because radiation’s fun!), a man we learn is Valentine is overseeing some growling creatures in cages that we can’t see while holding a syringe of blood. Jocelyn is brought back with the teleporting Circle in some kind of stasis, and Valentine sort of moons over her like a deranged person. One of the people who brought her chides her decision to run from the circle and Valentine kills him with a smile. You have no idea how much I love it that this crazy is played by the same person who humped a woman out a window to her death as crazy King Henry II in Reign.

Mad is what I do!

Clary runs home through some dramatic rain to find her house in ruins. Dot shows up asking about the cup, and when Clary fails to answer her, she turns into a demon. Clueless Clary just stands there and stares. I think she has a death wish. Jace shows up to save her, but Clary was scratched by the demon and faints.

She wakes up to Isabelle sitting on her bed, which is a little creepy. Isabelle is worried about Jace being distracted by a mundane, but as Jace points out, she can’t be a mundane because the seraph blade lit up when she touched it. Isabelle reminds me strongly of Rosalie from Twilight. She walks Alec out of the room because he’s very upset that Clary is there. He claims he’s worried about the mission failing and them not knowing who the blood was for.

Jace stays behind to talk to Clary. She doesn’t understand anything he says to her, and their conversation pretty much goes like this:

Clary: I’m miraculously healed and all of you have magical powers?
Jace: I’m not a warlock.
Clary: Huh?
Jace: I’m a shadowhunter.
Clary: What?
Jace: We fight downworlders.
Clary: Huh?

Poor Clueless Clary. Her listening comprehension is terrible. All she cares about is her kidnapped mother, and she tells us this with her usual lamp emotions.

This is my confused face. And my cry face. And my mad face.

Simon comes looking for her by tracing her phone signal. He’s worried to hear that she needs to get dressed before leaving an “abandoned church.”  We get another glimpse at the potential for Simon to be a comedic character.

Jace started looking through her sketchbook, because that’s just something you do without permission. Clary puts on a tight leather ensemble of Isabelle’s. “She’s very comfortable with her body.” CC’s hair looks like it’s just been styled for the runway, which is crazy, because she was in a fight and ran through rain, and then was apparently passed out for two days. They walk outside together, Jace hiding his sword behind his back while he explains to Clary about his invisibility rune, so I have no idea *why* he’s hiding it. Surely any real threat would notice his awkward “I’m hiding something big behind my back” stance. Naturally, the rune is place so that he can show off his abs when he points it out, and then he makes a joke about how it’s shame no one gets to see him because “of all this.” And then we see that Jace definitely shouldn’t be the comedic relief.

Clary’s suddenly calm and collected like it’s totally fine her house is destroyed when Simon comes to take her home. He’s really worried about her outfit, even though it covers more than her fishnet shirt did. This guy probably should be made the funny friend, because he doesn’t do pearl clutching very well. The guy from the police station comes to get Clary, but Jace takes him out, so now Simon is freaked and really wants to take her away and call Luke. Clary really doesn’t want to do that, but she doesn’t seem to explain why.

After all of this, Valentine has Jocelyn, but not the Mortal Cup, which is what he was after.  One of his minions tells him it wasn’t there, but he replies, “Just because you couldn’t see it, doesn’t mean it wasn’t there.” Is it just me immediately thinking about Clary’s weird ability to accidentally and unknowingly turn real objects into art? The underling is worried about his failure and tries to save himself by bringing up the daughter.  Valentine didn’t know she existed, and he’s weirdly excited and has decided to meet her.

And that’s it! Bad makeup runes, seraph blades that come and go based on rules they don’t even seem to understand, annoying always perfect hair that’s so perfect it looks like a wig, stupid love triangles, bad acting, jokes that may or may not be jokes? I can’t help but compare it to the plethora of similar fare on the CW, though there was less of the “hey! we listen to young, hip music!” that I saw in Reign. We’re in for some terrible fun. See you next time!

WE WELCOME SUBMISSIONS!!! Email rhymeswithnerdy@gmail.com if you have a book you would like to see reviewed. Our only guidelines is that the book either does not take itself seriously, or it takes itself way too seriously. Middle of the road is no fun for anyone. With that, I proudly submit our first offering, ‘The Marquess of Cake’.

Jessica:

Everything about this free Friday Barnes and Noble pick is horrifying. That photo makes me think he’s farting.

And “oh, this girl smells like sugar, i’ll totally use her to make an heir.. shit, i’m in love” is not the least bit appealing

Beth:

Going by this synopsis, he sounds like he should be diabetic…This should be a subcategory if it isn’t already.

Jessica:

I’m glancing at reviews, and apparently diabetes IS a subject in the book

Beth:

btw HATBROOK is a fantastic name. And by fantastic I mean unbelievable

Jessica:

He’s all “i can get an heir off her, cool.  Oh, her father was just knighted? SCORE”

Beth:

I won’t lie. I LOVE THAT TITLE

Jessica:

I hate the title Marquess. It’s misleading to me

Beth:

If I was going to be titled, I’d damn sure be the something of Cake.

Jessica:

It has 13 reviews on bn.com, 7 of them 5 stars. One of those starts out, “based on the cover, i thought this book was a comedy” but then they somehow proceeded to say how it was confusing at times but they loved the characters. And to them, that added up to 5 stars.

Beth:

Well and there was Cake…which seems to be a blatant attempt for the author to bribe the reader

Jessica:

Totally

Beth:

“read my book! there’s CAKE!”

Jessica:

And it’s not even clear that it’s a period piece AT ALL, but apparently it is? The last thing in the overview… “85,000 Words”…I’m not sure what to say to that… congrats? Why is that there?

Beth:

Wow I think I [my book] has more words that than that and it’s not even finished. Of course I have to spend a lot of time talking about the moment you pop a grape. Yeah, I don’t know either.

Jessica

Is it meant to sound like a lot, or is it a “hey, just read it okay? It’s short” How many people really know how many words translate out into page numbers, you know?

Beth:

I don’t know scrivener tells me. I think that’s roughly 300 pages

Jessica:

So it’s a good length. I don’t know why it’s synopsis worthy though

Beth:

Maybe they needed words to fill the synopsis

Jessica:

I don’t know, less might have been better. A simple sentence or two that said it was an unlikely love story between a baker and nobility would have been much more appealing.

Beth:

A case of mistaken identity

Jessica:

Exactly

Beth:

Sure it’s all very 12th night, pretty standard Romance Stuff

Jessica:

Instead, no matter how is actually written inside, the synopsis says “look at this asshole! Whoo, I get to be a princess!”

Beth:

Also says I LIKE CAKE AND GIRLS WHO SMELL LIKE CAKE!!! MAKE ME A CAKE BABY!!!

Jessica:

Insert picture of actual babies made of cake. The most horrifying thing they put on cakewrecks

Beth:

What is more horrifying…the baby cakes or the Birthing cakes?

I’m going to say the latter.

Jessica:

They’re both awful and in the same vein, and either fits this scenario. I mean it…You put the worst one you can find in there.

Done.

Reign – Olivia and braids

There’s a horse and carriage carrying two ladies; one is sleeping and the other is knitting.  A boy runs out of the woods to tell the driver that the road ahead is flooded, and encourages him to cut through the woods.  After they drive off, the boy clutches an antler shaped necklace, which matches the scar hidden underneath it.  Seems totally normal, so you probably will be surprised to hear that the wagon hits a hole, there’s druidic chanting outside, and everyone but the blond that was sleeping is killed.  She runs off into the woods.

Reign – Just Believe

Francis has come to woo Mary with talk of borders.  When that doesn’t sway her, they share their feelings in what-ifs that somehow manages to earn him a kiss.  He also hypothetically invites her to the Harvest Festival.  Meanwhile, blond girl is still running through the forest.  There are crows or ravens or some other kind of black bird I can never properly identify. Creepy McDarkbirds, as Beth as dubbed them.

Mary and her ladies are learning about a tradition where you write your regrets on a piece of paper, which is tied to a little toy boat.  You get to let your regrets sail away, both figuratively and literally.  Probably much more literally though, I can’t imagine that kind of thing lasting the next time you’re sobbing in your ale.

Reign – Lola wants to bang

Bash comes up to comment on the rarity of Mary being happy, saying that, “to see you smile is to feel the sun.”  He says it with a smirk and a flippant air and is holding a tankard of ale, so it’s not surprising that she doesn’t take him seriously.  “Do you flirt with everyone?”  Yes.  Yes he does.  Including Lola, whose name he lingered over when greeting each of the ladies (which still makes me snicker to myself because in my head I just hear, “Mary. Mary. Mary. Mary. Mary.”)  Lola tries to warn Mary that Bash has feelings for her, which she brushes off even though he left quickly after she mentioned Francis. “Well, I hope to get sauced at your wedding.”

Her warnings are interrupted by Horse Hair and Kenna whispering.  They’ve noticed Lord Castleroy, a Hapsburg who has gotten rich in the spice trade, staring at Greer.  She decides this would be a great match for her and her family, and takes it upon herself to go talk to him.  No formal introductions or anything!  Maybe they happened already.

Oh look, that blond chick is still running through the forest.

Reign – Lord Peppercorn

Not only did Lord Castleroy make his fortune in the spice trade, but he’s disturbingly infatuated with pepper.  After he mentions having seen the plant in India, Greer is excited that the conversation might be steered in more interesting directions.  Alas, no, Lord Peppercorn still has pepper trivia to impart.   She notices Kitchen Boy staring at her and bumps into Lord Peppercorn, spilling his drink on her dress.  Oh darn, now she has to leave.  Now she’ll never know the details of how you could pay your rent in pepper.

Greer is frustrated that she actually ruined her dress, and also a bit peeved at Kitchen Boy for staring at her in public.  She’s still very concerned about ruining her reputation and her chances for marrying up, despite the make out session with Kitchen Boy previously.  He offers to try to get the stain out of her dress using an old kitchen trick, but really it’s just an excuse to get her to take it off.  This boy has moves!  Also, Greer’s undergarments looks a lot like a modern wedding dress.  Super fancy.

Reign – Greer’s underdress

Francis has made one of these regret boats for Mary, christening it The Just Mary.  I’m not sure it’s a good sign that they already need a regret boat for their relationship.  They’re interrupted by a guard coming to tell Francis that forest girl has been found and is asking for him.  “Olivia?”

Reign – Hair rubbing

Oh shit you guys, he knows her name.  And he’s hugging her.  AND RUBBING HER HAIR!  Sorry Mary…  Bash is there to clarify.  This is Olivia D’Amencourt, who left court shortly before Mary arrived.  “Brokenhearted?” Mary asks.  “Yes.  He was.”  Oh girl.  Your boat isn’t going to float after you tie all your regrets to it.

Reign – Bash is a goon

Olivia (said forevermore with a sneer; Olivia) is lounging in what looks like the barn wing of the castle, covered in furs.  Francis just waltzes in, not even caring that she’s in her nightgown.  This doesn’t bode well if you were hoping his broken heart had been innocent.  Strangely enough, as she tells her story to Francis we get our first taste of a French accent.  The actress is actually French; sort of makes you wonder why they didn’t try harder with the rest of the “French” cast.  She remembers that the bandits were speaking a “gibberish language” and tells Francis what little she remembers.  He asks why she is there, since she was supposed to have left to marry another and never return.   It turns out the marriage fell through because it became known that she had been intimate with Francis.  (WARNING KENNA!)  So now she has nowhere else to go.

Mary and Francis are talking about why Olivia left.  He mentioned the marriage offer, but also that his mother made her life miserable.  Turns out they were caught snogging in the boathouse, and Catherine was not amused.  Mary takes this news with grace, though she does get a dig in about how Olivia should have known better considering Francis was engaged from childhood.  Francis promises that his past with Olivia is just that, and that he plans to help her find a new marriage so everyone can get on with their lives.

Being bored at court leads to insanity

The ladies are all lounging on what looks like a giant bed in the throne room.  Greer is complaining about Lord Peppercorn and his constant pepper chatter.  Horse Hair is annoyed because no one is listening to her read Virgil in Latin.   Sorry Horse Hair, nobody likes you or your recitation of Virgil.  This scene is kind of nice, because you see all the various court ladies sitting around playing dice and cards and all the other random things people did to pass the time when they didn’t have to bother with things like laundry and growing their own food.  Just then, Olivia comes in and the queen gets up and leaves.  SCANDAL!  She dislikes Olivia more than Mary!  This sets off an argument between Kenna and Greer about whether Olivia even belongs at court after her bad judgement of sleeping with a dude before wedlock.  Kenna is quick to defend her, for obvious reasons.  But then she calls out Greer!  OH NO SHE DIDN’T!  Greer is super awesome and I don’t care if she has a title, stop being a jerk Kenna no one cares that you’re sleeping with the king.

Ahem.  Sorry.

Mary breaks up their bickering and attempts to befriend Olivia, because she has more class than I do.  She offers to lend her a dress for the festival since Olivia‘s things are still missing in the woods.

Reign – Francis’s mad waddle

Bash is out riding when Francis waddles up to complain about him spilling the beans on his super secret (but everyone knows) love life.  And also to complain about the pagans in the forest, like Bash is some kind of keeper for them.

Horse Hair is walking down my favorite hallway, when she trips and drops a ring that bounces across the floor towards Catherine.  The queen picks it up and immediately wonders why Horse Hair has this ring that belongs to Mary.  It turns out that Horse Hair is a kleptomaniac!  “You’re a troubled, jealous little girl.  Aren’t you?”  Ugh, yes!  I knew I didn’t like you.  The penalty for stealing is losing a hand; even if Mary did that, we can assume her hair wouldn’t suffer noticeably.  The queen confiscates the ring while she decides how to use this to her favor.

Bash is out in the Blood Wood with some guards, looking for the other two people from Olivia‘s wagon.  They’re hanging upside down, their blood draining into a bowl.  Turns out one of them is still breathing, which probably means these were live sacrifices.  Joy!  Bash decides to save the dude, much to the dismay of one of the guards who is afraid of the pagans taking revenge.

Mary and Olivia are picking out her dress for the festival, and Olivia makes note of how kind Mary is.  Mary is doing her best to be cool about how free men can be with their sexuality.  Olivia, on the other hand, has decided to play her bitch card.  “You know much less about Francis’s desires than I do.”  OH NO SHE DIDN’T!  “Perhaps, now that I’m here, offering myself as an option, he’ll choose to be with me.  Once again.”  Wow dude.  Mary, you have my full permission to slap her.  I mean, that’s just rude, you’re in the process of loaning her a dress!

Nostradamus is berating Bash for interrupting the pagan sacrifice.  He mentions that he had no sense of them being near, what’s that about?  Does he have some kind of pagan spidey sense?  Bash thinks the human sacrifices are a new thing, but Nostradamus says they’ve always happened; they’re just more bold about it now.  It seems they’ve shifted from murdering people to keep others out of the woods they claim for themselves to luring people into the woods.  We don’t know why they’ve changed, but Nostradamus is sure that they’ll be angry with Bash for interrupting and that his life is in danger.  It’s probably safe to assume he’ll survive, otherwise who would round out Mary’s love triangle?

Olivia, UGH, is walking through the kitchens, looking for the wine cellar.  The pagan from the road is working in the kitchens!  Are you seriously telling me no one notices that this dude disappears into the Blood Wood, comes out covered in sacrificial blood, and NOBODY NOTICES?  Seriously, all the guards, FIRED.  Olivia recognizes his voice, but hasn’t placed why yet.  The road dude asks Kitchen Boy who she is, because apparently they’re the only two people ever working down there who can speak.  It would seem the pagans can’t count, because he didn’t realize someone had escaped their luring.

Reign – Creepy forest dude

Mary and Francis are talking in front of a fire, which has me lamenting that my fireplace has never been properly inspected.  One should definitely have a fire going when it’s snowing outside, right?  Stupid carbon monoxide…  Mary has found a noble lady in Paris, a Viscountess Whosawhatsits.  She’s over stepping a bit, since it isn’t her court or her guest, but Francis seems to realize he’s on thin ice here and goes with it.  Later Olivia!  I won’t miss you one bit.

Reign – Catherine’s love

Horse Hair is watching Catherine play with a bird while she waxes on about brokenhearted she was when she had to send Mary away to the convent after an attempt was made on her life.  Cry me a river.  She claims this is why she keeps her distance now, because she associates her with loss.  And now, boo hoo, Mary isn’t honest with her about her happiness in France, and how ever can she help her if she doesn’t know?  Oh wait!  Horse Hair can bring Catherine Mary’s letters to her mother, and then everyone is happy!  How convenient that the idea just happened upon her, now that task can be Horse Hair’s “punishment”.  She looks properly horrified at least.  Also, her hair looks like that bird has been making a nest in it.

Reign – Bird’s Nest

Olivia has come to Francis’s quarters, sneaking in wine; presumably from that wine cellar she was searching for.  I guess she plans to get him drunk and hope for a repeat in the boathouse.  Instead, Francis breaks the news that he’s sending her away.  Take that!

Kitchen Boy is returning Greer’s dress, which he couldn’t clean, and is joking about getting her out of her dress.  She’s very upset about his flippant attitude regarding her reputation and ability to marry.  He basically tells her he’s cool with her marrying another dude, he just wants to love her.  But, THE SHAME!  She actually covers her mouth she says it.  Greer, I actually like you, don’t bad act me out of it!  Kitchen Boy gets it, and says he’ll leaver her alone.

Olivia is still baring her soul to Francis.  Oh the torture, she says.  And I have to agree, I’m feeling pretty tortured.  Francis is sticking with Mary, so Olivia decides to step up her game and offers herself up as a formal mistress.  OH NO SHE DIDN’T!  And then she kisses him!  Francis pulls away, but not before he spent a second looking like he enjoyed it.  “You want me!  And I want you.  And I’m telling you, you can have me.  Any way you want.”  Wow.

Kenna runs up to Mary about how Olivia is now moving into the castle.  What the crap Francis!  Mary actually snaps at Kenna that her informant must be wrong.  Kenna agrees to ask around some more to be sure, “discreetly”, which apparently means in full view of everyone just 10 feet away and using large pointing gestures.  Catherine sidles up to Mary making vague snide comments about Kenna’s new necklace and how it’s blatantly disrespectful.  It was actually given to Catherine as a first anniversary present, and now Mary knows that Kenna is sleeping with the king.  Catherine takes this opportunity to go on about her own terrible love life, and how the king discards his lovers and then feels responsible for them afterwards; how he loved Diane before marrying Catherine.  She’s attempting to sound like she’s just sharing her sad story and considering Kenna (who she says won’t last), but all of this is said as a direct parallel to Mary and Olivia.  Mary looks ill and is seems to have decided to drown her sorrows.

Reign – Kenna’s Necklace

Also, that sacrifice guy died, but spouted some stuff about a beast in the forest that lives in a cave and demands blood or kills the pagans to get it.  Wasn’t he the carriage driver?  Why does he even know this?  Were the pagans being bad villains and reciting their grand plan before killing their victim again?  I think Bash is trying to look startled, but he always looks like that.  He’s kind of a goon.  A different hair cut would probably help.  It looks like it was done with a Flowbee.

Reign – Bash is a goon 2

Kenna has super secretly checked with the servants, and Olivia is definitely staying.  Mary is still drowning her sorrows and gets snippy with Kenna about her sleeping with the king.  She brings up a good point about making Catherine an enemy being a bad idea even if the king has promised his protection.  Kenna gets super defensive, because it’s true lurve <3 <3.  When Mary orders her to break it off, Kenna decides that she’s no longer Mary’s subject.  OH NO SHE DIDN’T!  Whose giant bed is she going to lounge in now while not listening to Virgil?  Mary is really getting the shaft this episode.  Though Catherine’s first anniversary present is actually costume jewelry, so she hasn’t faired too great either

And here comes good ol’ Francis, dumping more crap.  How many times has he said “I was going to tell you” this episode?  Too many!  The Viscountess no longer wants Olivia, so she’s staying for now.  How convenient.  Mary gets some kind of super power when she drinks, and asks if something has happened between him and Olivia.  He takes a moment to answer, and I swear to god the background music makes a horror movie noise, the kind you hear when someone is about to be stabbed.  Francis looks afraid.  I’d be afraid if this were my soundtrack too.  They actually get into a fight, because Mary demands that Olivia leave after learning something almost happened (he doesn’t tell her what that something is, which probably isn’t helping).  Francis decides to put his foot down, and then Mary basically accuses him of being his father.  Which is when Francis decides to drop that little bomb that Olivia could be his mistress.  Mary storms out with her booze…

…into Bash’s company, who is also drowning his sorrows.  Mary confiscates said booze, which she can do, because she’s a pretty lady.  Getting free booze is like some kind of consolation prize girls get for monthly torture and squeezing out humans.  So now Mary is drunk and spewing regrets, and Francis is looking for her to apologize.  She’s rightly upset about the inequality in their relationship, and Bash tells her that Francis is dumb for looking anywhere else.  So she kisses him.  OH NO SHE DIDN’T!  “I shouldn’t have done that.”  “You’re right, I should have.”  And so he kisses her!  And of course Francis is watching, because that’s how you write a love triangle!  Is he supposed to be mad when he turns away?  Maybe it’s the slightness of his shoulders, but Francis can’t seem to pull off any emotion that might require a bit of testosterone.  He’s just going to slip away there and dig out his old Cure CDs… no big deal.  So emo.

Mary hears the horns announcing the launching of the regret boats.  Seriously, her boat is going to sink.  I don’t think they make enough paper for her to even write them out.  She tries to apologize to Francis as they make a display of writing on their little slips, but he brushes her off.  Meanwhile, Catherine thanks Horse Hair for delivering Mary’s letters, and decides to make it the deal permanent.  Mary and Francis launch their boats, which miraculously don’t sink but do turn off in different directions despite a complete lack of current in the water, and he immediately leaves to find Olivia.  Who is wearing that freaking blue dress from Mary.  Seriously!  Mary looks sad and brokenhearted, and I actually feel for her.  And behold, her ship did not alleviate her regrets.

Reign – Shipwrecked relationship

Greer takes this lesson in living with regret to heart, and decides not to have any herself.  So she finds Kitchen Boy and tells him it’s on!  Whoo!  Secret love!  So far I don’t want to barf, hooray!  There’s a first for everything.

Catherine is having her face painted with what looks like honey.  I guess this is some kind of medieval wrinkle remover?  She’s talking to someone off screen.  And it’s Olivia!  Catherine summoned her here to break up Mary and Francis.  OH NO SHE DIDN’T!  It turns out everything Olivia is doing is at Catherine’s command, though apparently she does actually have feelings for Francis.  Catherine is threatening to ruin her family if she doesn’t go along.  And she doesn’t just plan to have Olivia break up Mary and Francis, but intends Olivia to get pregnant, have her wed Francis, and become the next queen of France.  She may dislike Olivia, but she feels she can control her.  Olivia, who I almost felt sorry for for a second, looks excited about this plan.  So, we’re still sneering when we say her name.

Reign – Honey face

Horse Hair and Mary are sitting in front of a lovely window together.  “I’m in.  The queen wants me to continue to give her your letters.”  Oh shit!  Horse Hair isn’t the bad guy here, she set up the queen for Mary.  Color me surprised.  I still don’t have to like your stupid hair.  Mary suspects Catherine brought Olivia to court.  Guess that plan wasn’t as secret as she thought.

The road pagan is sitting on a ledge, and I think we’re supposed to assume there’s a bit of a drop to one side.  Bash is coming home from being somewhere outside and is banging his boots together to get the mud off.  The road pagan is accusing Bash of taking something that wasn’t his, twice.  Now he owes a debt, and has to choose a replacement sacrifice, or they’ll choose for him.  He calls him Sebastian, and Bash is standing there with his sword, looking scared, asking how he knows his name.  Dude, you are the son of a king, of course all the peons in the castle know your name.  Don’t be daft.  Then the road pagan falls off the ledge and there’s a sort of ripping sound.  I’m honestly not sure if he fell to his death or what, though he did speak of it being a privilege to die in service, so probably.  Why his accent suddenly changed for this scene though, I have no idea.

I would like to point out Francis’s Harvest Festival attire.  It’s a blue velvet button up shirt, with fluffy buttons, covered in a heavily embroidered coat.  I would rock this outfit.  On Francis it just kind of makes me giggle.  I think it’s his posture.

Reign – Francis’s Coat

In closing, where the hell was Burlap Sack??

The show opens with Tomas and Francis having a pissing archery contest while everyone watches.  This was the kind of thing people did for entertainment at court.  They hadn’t invented things like anachronistic teen melodramas to watch on tv yet.  One of the targets is a dummy whose head is wrapped in a burlap sack.  Nostradamus is very concerned; what if Burlap Sack finds out and goes on a ghost rampage?  Tomas keeps making eyes at Mary, who seems annoyed, especially when Horse Hair won’t shut up about the super secret engagement.

Reign Screencap – Horse Hair

R to L: Lovely hair, Lovely hair, Lovely hair, Horror show.

Looks like someone fixed their roots since last episode.  From some angles that front swoop bang looks kind of cool; it sticks out like Ariel’s bangs from The Little Mermaid.  I loved that look as a kid.  You don’t know how often I was in front of a mirror in my youth trying to figure out how to make my bangs into a heavy swoop that floated off my forehead.  The rest of this is a monstrosity, especially compared to everyone else’s hair here.

Mary’s uncle comes to retrieve her and explain why it’s taking so long for him to convince King Henry to release her from her engagement to Francis.  Henry has to work the situation to his advantage so he doesn’t look weak, because he’s a king.  Mary points out that she’s a queen and they all expect her to just go begging.  Her uncle points out that it’s because Mary doesn’t have a leg to stand on and that she’s at the mercy of everyone.

Lola was missing from the hair lineup because she’s been sent by Mary to check on Bash.  His wound is closing, but the disease in his blood is spreading (in modern terms, he probably has an infection).  Nostradamus warns that if his fever doesn’t break by tonight, he could die.  Bash is well enough to joke that having a pretty lady near him is better than a grizzly Nostradamus (speak for yourself dude).  She decides to stay and keep him company instead of returning to the tournament.  Unlike all the other ladies who check on him and dash, Lola has buried several of her brothers and isn’t put off by death.  Because of Scarlet Fever, not because she killed them or something.  Anyway, now she’s only afraid of, “being alone.”  And there’s a moment where she reaches to touch him and pulls back at the last moment.  Bash is, of course, a continuous flirt.  This won’t end badly at all, nope.

Lola almost touches Bash while she nurses him to health

Tomas wins the tournament and gives his “favor”, which is a pink rose, to Mary.  That’s flower speak for “admiration.”  Everyone is taken aback, but Francis shrugs it off and says it’s fine.  Mary tries to apologize to Francis, but he knows that Tomas is showboating.  He’s taking the whole thing as well as can be expected for someone who only recently realized he might have feelings for someone he was going to be forced to marry and now can’t.  Stupid spy!  Then there’s even more commotion as Lord Simon Westbrook, the Evil English envoy, is arrested for being said stupid spy.  How dare you deny the shippers Westbrook!  Frary FOREVER*.  He denies it of course.

Catherine confronts Mary in the hall, the same one from episode 3 where I gushed about the windows.  Except somehow now the windows have yellow glass which is striking and lovely.  Do they change to match Mary’s dress?  We probably weren’t supposed to notice.  I do love that you can see the wooden beams in the ceiling here.  Anyway, Catherine lets Mary know that all she sees when looking at Mary is death and that she’d love to see her leave.  It’s a really disturbing thing to say to someone actually.  Mary asks why she isn’t set free if that’s the case, and naturally that’s because Henry must have all the things.

Reign – Newly yellow windows

Henry and Catherine do tell her that they’ll release Mary from her engagement if she agrees to sign testimony that Westbrook was involved in the ambush.  Only a prostitute overheard this supposed boasting, and they can’t condemn a noble person with that.  They’re not even people!  Mary questions the witness, Judith, who is wearing a lot of blush (that’s how you know she’s a prostitute) and looks scared.  She says that she saw his medallion (the royal English seal), and risked his wrath because he seemed like a horrible person.  Mary agrees to sign the testimony, and Henry decides Westbrook will be beheaded at the Michaelmas banquet.  Festive!

In case you were wondering, Michaelmas, aka the Feast of Saint Michael and the Archangels, is a holiday that takes place on September 29.  It was a Holy Day of Obligation, which basically means, “pretend it’s Sunday, go to mass, don’t work.”  I’m not really sure where beheading falls in “joy proper to the Lord’s day“.  The good news is that we have an idea of the timeframe again.

Reign – Queen Catherine

Nostradamus congratulates Catherine on her victory in getting rid of Mary.  She’s unhappy that it involved her people dying.  Nostradamus reminds her that Westbrook is kind of her cohort, but that doesn’t seem to be helping him now.  Sorry dude, Catherine has what she wants and you’ve also offended her.  No help over here!  Unless… oh, nope.  Nostradamus says Mary will still kill everyone if she stays.  Too bad.

Mary is packing when all four ladies come to comment on how quickly she’s moving with Tomas.  It seems Mary is moving to Portugal in two days.  Tomas works fast!  The girls are offended that Mary doesn’t want them to come, but Mary was just afraid to force them.  Kenna is suspiciously quiet during this interchange, and doesn’t agree to leave when everyone else speaks up.  Mary doesn’t seem to notice.  What is Kenna supposed to do, start from scratch with a new king to be a third mistress?  NONSENSE.

Reign – I don’t want to go

Francis is practicing his archery by himself when Mary comes to speak with him.  There is a lot of melodrama sap here.  They want to make out, but they can’t in case someone sees.  Francis says

I don’t know who’s lucky anymore.  I used to think that we were, the years that we had as children, the time we’ve had since you’ve been back at court.  Now I feel those days like something sharp in my heart.

I will help you feel something sharp in your heart, good lord.  Stab stab.  They decide to meet somewhere private after dark so they can smooch without worry. Unfortunately, they’re overheard by one of Tomas’ servants, who promptly tells on them.

Reign – Kenna

Guess where Kenna is?  She’s shown up at the King’s bedroom door with a glint in her eye.  We are not surprised at all!  She’s decided that she’d rather throw all that talk of saving herself and maintaining her reputation out the window, because now she doesn’t have time to play out her game of chicken with him.  The king actually shows some restraint when he hears her explanation.  “Is that supposed to convince you or me?”  She wants him to name her his mistress so she’ll have a place at court and not have to leave.  “And perhaps in time, I could have more.”  Hi, I heard about this Anne Boleyn chick in England, what do you think?  The king says, sorry, I have a mistress.  In case you forgot, you’re third in line here.  She leaves disappointed.

Francis is yelling about Westbrook over a sleeping Bash, because apparently this won’t hurt his recovery the way Lola checking on him supposedly did.  Be super quiet when he’s awake, scream all you want when he’s sleeping!  Catherine speaks of Francis’ soft heart, mentioning his love of Bash, his “bastard brother”, which is said not so much as a word describing the act of being born out of wedlock, but more in the angry, derogatory way it’s more commonly used today.  Francis is also worried about what will happen to Mary if she leaves.  Catherine encourages him to let Mary go, but Francis decides to trust his instincts, which don’t trust Tomas.

Reign – Your Bastard Brother

Mary and Francis meet in the grove for their make out session.  He’s late because he’s been asking questions about Tomas all over the castle and not being secretive about it at all.  He’s heard that Tomas is cruel to his servants, but Mary brushes him off and says that she can take care of herself.  She counters, “There are rumors about all royals.  You know what they say about you?  Half of Europe thinks that you’re sickly and weak and stunted.”  This was probably true, but the show has obviously decided it was not.  A love triangle doesn’t play out quite so well if one of the them is sick and stuttering all the time.  Mary keeps talking, and Francis kisses her to shut her up.  Or maybe his passion just overwhelmed him.  It’s hard to tell with these two.

She returns to her room, happy and giggling with Horse Hair, to find Tomas waiting for her.  He wants to set down some rules for her, maybe something along the lines of “don’t make out with other people when we’re engaged.”  As it turns out though, Tomas is a complete ass.  Are you surprised?  Because somehow I’m not.  Mary is told to get in line, which means shut up, look pretty, give all of your power to your husband.  Oh, and don’t forget that every time you displease him in any way, this random dude will be whipped.  Can’t wait for our wedding! <3 <3

Reign – Tomas is an ass

For some good news, Bash isn’t going to die, though he still looks like death.  His fever has finally broken, but he’s still weak as a kitten.  He’s been told to stay in bed and let the whole in his stomach heal, but does he do that?  Of course not!  Francis and Bash are talking about Tomas might be a monster when Tomas actually barges in to say I AM A MONSTER! SURPRISE!  He calls Mary his property, and insults Francis who then tries to take a swing at Tomas.  Bash stops him, further injuring himself.

The girls are all picking things out of a costume chest for the upcoming party, and everyone is wearing their sourpuss faces.  Kenna is being a spoiled brat, pouting about her missed chance to bed a king.  Greer decides to make the best of it, and takes two costumes while making eyes at the kitchen boy.  Kenna decides to join in and takes the sexiest costume she can find, because desperate is the only language she speaks.

Back in her room, Mary is getting ready in a dress with the craziest peplums I’ve ever seen (Beth called them fins) when Burlap Sack drops off the royal English seal.  What could this possibly be related to??  Mary ponders this allowed because she forgot the plot of the episode.

Reign – Lola as a Valkyrie

Out in the garden, Bash is practicing some swordplay, because he fully understands “rest or you’ll die.”  Lola comes up dressed in wings and a gold helmet with wings on it, which I’m told makes her a Valkyrie.  My knowledge of Norse mythology is pure crap, so I’m taking Beth’s word for it.  Any flirting Lola came to do is interrupted by the arrival of Francis.  They complain about Tomas some, and Bash offhandedly mentions how convenient it was that the French troops were ambushed so that Tomas could come to Mary’s rescue, which is when Francis realizes that’s exactly how Tomas planned it.

At the party, Westbrook is chained to a chair that looks suspiciously like a throne.  Mary, dressed as “Forever 21’s Artemis” as Beth put it.  Is that a giant jeweled newt in her hair?  She’s come to ask him about the similarities between Westbrook’s seal and the royal English seal.  Turns out he’s related to the queen is a cousin, and her rose is white but Westbrook’s is red.  Should have put suspenseful music in there.

Reign – Artemis Costume

Tomas calls Mary to him, remarking on her costume.  She says she knew the bow was his favorite weapon, but he says it’s his second favorite.  While looking down.  At his crouch.  Also, there are rooster feathers in his cap.  I kind of wish they’d just forget the whole historical thing all together so that Tomas could have come dressed as Captain Hammer.  He’s being very forward in public, and actually squeezing Mary until she hurts.  He obliquely accuses her of messing around with Francis, and threatens her when she plays innocent.

Reign – Hello Down There!

Francis comes to her rescue, and counters Tomas’ posturing with some vague accusations regarding planning the ambush.  Bash is there as backup, even though he looks like he’ll fall over at any minute.  They’d better get proof quick, or this whole show might have to change it’s arc.  Miguel, his valet and Mary’s whipping boy, is their key witness.  They also realize the prostitute, Judith, must be found as well.  Too bad Miguel is off hunting with Tomas suddenly!  That’s not suspicious.

The kitchen boy surprises Greer in the livery costume she took.  She’s nervous about him being caught, but he explains that Michaelmas is celebrated by pretending everyone is equal, even the servants.  I must have overlooked that part when I was researching it, but it earns him a kiss and he seems sweet, so I’ll go with it.

Mary catches Judith as she’s fleeing town.  Her face is bruised and she’s terrified, but tells Mary that the rose on the seal she saw was white.  That means someone got their details mixed when they were pretending to be Westbrook.  Mary gets her to agree to help.

Meanwhile, Tomas is taunting Miguel, and is ready to shoot him with his penis bow.  Francis and Bash show up just in time.  Well, almost.  Miguel is still shot, but it’s not fatal.  Bash has a sword to Tomas’ throat, though I’m not sure what kind of protection that’s meant to be considering he can barely hold the thing.  Tomas takes advantage and fights back.  Bash ends up tearing open his wound and Francis has to rescue him.  These two should consider helping less, because they sure do screw it up a lot.  Francis ends up killing Tomas, which probably means war with Portugal.  Geez Francis!  Can’t you do anything right?

Reign – Clown Braids

Reign – Clown Costume

Back in the castle, it’s time to execute Westbrook.  Gather round everyone!  The real spectacle is Horse Hair, who looks like a clown rising up out of the mists.  That neck ruff wouldn’t even be invented for a few more years.  Maybe Nostradamus tipped her off.  I’m starting to think that her hair dresser doesn’t know how to do anything else but multitudes of braids, but at least they look a little less unkempt when they’re worn up like this.

Kenna runs to the king to convince him to delay the execution.  He resists at first, saying it would make him look weak, but she tells him it would make him a better king.  He calls her brave for baring her heart, and decides he’s had enough of Catherine belittling him and Diane running off to shop in Paris.  Though really, it’s not Diane’s fault this supposed French castle is in the middle of nowhere.  So he says to hell with a mistress old enough to be my mother, and a wife that is the  mother of my children.  It’s time for a mistress young enough to be my daughter!  BASES COVERED.

Just then, Francis and Mary show up with a dead Tomas and their two witnesses.  We’re spared their revelations and skip straight to Westbrook’s reappointment as Portugal’s new envoy.  It’s too bad, he was nice on the eyes and old enough to not make me feel like a creeper.  I enjoyed his cocky banter with Mary.  The new story is that Tomas died trying to protect Francis from a stag’s horns while hunting.

King Henry: The matter will be forgotten by all of us.

Lord Westbrook: And history too no doubt.

Hahaha, I see what you did there!

Reign – Vintage 70’s Crochet Dress

Mary gets reinstated as Francis’ fiance wearing a crocheted horror literally from the 70’s topped by some kind of harness torture device.  Before the king and mention negotiations with her uncle, she swoops in and announces herself the negotiator.  Suck it uncle!  Mary publicly reminds the king of the embarrassment and war she helped France avoid, and gets him to agree to better terms.  So now Scotland finally has the troops she initially asked for protecting the border.  In only cost them the death of a bunch of French soldiers, a broken engagement, an injured Bash, a dead diplomat, and an almost war with two different countries.

Back in Mary’s bedroom the girls are chatting when Francis shows up.  So Kenna runs off to Henry.  Now that he’s decided to name her his mistress, she’s ready to do whatever he wants.  “Be gentle.”  “I will.  The first time.”  BARF.

Reign – Kenna – Be Gentle

Mary is flattered that Francis killed for her.  “You’re a true queen.  A queen any king would kill for.”  I just don’t even know what to say to that.  Assume it’s negative.  But even though Francis now realizes he wants to be with Mary, he still has to wait and see if the wedding will be good for France.  They are just the sweetest, most romantic couple EVER.

Mary yells down the secret corridor to Burlap Sack, thanking her for her role in solving the mystery of the secret spy.  “I used to feel so alone here.  I don’t anymore.  And I hope you don’t either.”  She needn’t have bothered though, because Burlap Sack is nestled right there under Mary’s bed.  That’s not creepy at all!  I love how they just slip that in there quick before the credit role.  I actually missed it the first time through.

Reign – Burlap Sack under Mary’s bed

====================

*I do hope you know that’s in jest.  Frary is a horrible name and the shippers must be stopped.

Lola is still crying over Colin.  Mary is still trying to work out who tried to set her up.  Kenna is running around in her fuck me pj’s, complete with short babydoll dress, knee high socks with tassels (TASSELS!!), and plenty of thigh showing.  For now that will have to wait, because the royal family is discussing the future wife of Francis’ little brother Charlie.  He was 7 in 1557, and would one day be King Charles IX (spoiler alert?).

Charlie is to marry Madeleine, who has a giraffe.  Fancy!  She’s arrived by ship alone because her parents are too busy partying in Morroco to care about their 7 year old daughter.  Francis is to take Charlie (but not Bash, because he’s just a bastard; Catherine can be really bitchy) to meet her at the shore.  Mary offers to go with them so she can reassure the young girl, and Henry okays it despite Catherine trying to stop it.

Mary falls asleep in the carriage on the way, where she sits beside Charlie.  I actually thought this moment was very sweet, and we see a bit of Francis actually being swept up in the romance.

There is a panic at the shore as Francis realizes there are too many boats, and that the ship that’s arrived is actually an English warship.  He orders Charlie to be taken somewhere safe and tells Mary to ride off on one of the horses.  There’s a tense moment when the carriage guards draw their bows on the landing Englishmen, but Bash rides to the rescue!  They’re not here to kill people, they just rescued Madeleine’s sinking ship.  No big deal!  It’s a good thing single horsemen can travel significantly faster than a horse and carriage, and also that they thought to send an emissary to give the court a heads up.  Mary and Francis still probably need a fresh change of clothes after all that excitement.

Mary’s dress looks like a molting ostrich, but what I can see of her crown looks very pretty.  Francis continues his complete disregard of dressing for the occasion.  The children are in formal wear, and their headwear is actually the closest the show has come so far regarding costume accuracy.  Madeleine has on something similar to what most ladies with some money wore at the time; a cap with a tail of fabric to cover the hair.  Charlie has on a type of flat cap, which was made famous by Henry VIII of England.

Le Chaperon in the 1550s

Aww, wee love as only 7 year olds can.  He’ll probably punch her next and run away.

There’s a party tonight, I assume to welcome Charlie’s future bride.  The two of them are adorably prancing around the adults in fancy white wear.  Mary and her ladies are trying to keep their cool at a party full of Englishmen.  King Henry has decided to treat them well and hope they leave soon rather than encouraging hostilities.

Catherine is on edge, because despite the English also wanting Mary out of the picture, they have an annoying habit of claiming France as part of their kingdom.  [Henry VIII’s official title: By the Grace of God, King of England and France, Defender of the Faith, Lord of Ireland, and of the Church of England and of Ireland in Earth Supreme Head; the English monarchs actually claimed France as their own from 1340-1801] Nostradamus helpfully points out that her goals of disappointing the English and Mary are at odds, but what is a mother to do.  Also, Francis doesn’t believe in prophecies, so it’s not like she can just tell him he’s going to die.  Pesky logic, why must you ruin all the things?  I’m actually quite taken with her jewelry choice here, but then, blue is my favorite color.

Lord Simon Westbrook, the EvilEnglish envoy, has a home in Paris and spends a lot of time at the French court.  He asks her to call him Simon so they can be “friendly and frank” with one another.  Which really means he want to mock her sham of an engagement, and also eyeball her figure while commenting that she’s of age.  “Remember that time we tried to poison you at the convent?  Haha, good times.”

Mary is visibly shaken, and Francis comes to her rescue.  “Yeah, I know our engagement is a sham, but let’s pretend it’s not.  You know, for your sake.  I’m still not going to marry you though.”  So chivalrous.  I’d also like to say that Simon might be a total jerk, but man he looks good in that military jacket.  The embroidery is fantastic, though the belt is hysterically big (compensating?).

Nostradamus gets a message, and he and Catherine sneak off to the dungeon.  “Remember how we totally chopped off Colin’s head?  Yeah.. that um.. didn’t happen.”  Turns out someone marked the wrong door for execution, and some random thief got the axe instead.  So that guy being tortured on the rack at the beginning?  That was Colin!  Burlap Sack set him free!

You know, I’ve watched the following scene a ton of times in the process of writing this, and around the 20th I finally notice something that made me laugh out loud.  This whole time I had been wondering where Horse Hair was while Mary learns of Colin’s survival.  I mean, most of the time the scene looks like this:

But then I finally notice this:

OH HAI!  Even CW is hiding me because I’m too embarrassing to be seen!

Mary is of course confused at this turn of events, but she realizes that it means she can actually question him when he’s found.  Catherine does all she can to make it clear that it’s unlikely Colin won’t be harmed during the recovery attempt, due to him being a vicious criminal and all that.  Certainly not because she has ordered him found and killed.  Oh, and if he isn’t found, all the other witnesses have also run away.

Reign Screencap – O RLY?

Watch it Catherine!  The king is starting to wonder about your role in this.

King Henry:  I heard you were the first to learn of Colin’s escape.  You were seen last night in the dungeon with Nostradamus.

Catherine: Yes. I sent out the guards right away.

King Henry: But you didn’t tell me.

Catherine: I wouldn’t want to disturb you in your mistress’s bed.  (Oooh, burn.)

King Henry: Diane’s at the country house.  So, by all means, keep me informed.  (Shit!) Day or night. Because I want to know whatever that boy has to say.

What’s that phrase?  Check yourself before you wreck yourself?  (Yeah, that’s right.  I don’t start using popular slang until long after it’s cool.  I’m like the opposite of a hipster.  Unless the opposite of a hipster is a cool person.  I’m definitely not that.)

There’s a big outdoor picnic for Madeleine and Charlie.  Everyone is there, and Horse Hair looks slightly more kempt than usual, which isn’t saying much.  The kids are playing a game where Charlie is blindfolded and surrounded by girls calling his name.  He has to find his “lover’s” voice among them.  It seems like an elaborate form of a game Tudor era kids played called Blind Man’s Bluff, which is basically Marco Polo for you modern kids.  But Charlie is too caught up in having all these girls after him already at his young age to hone in on Madeleine.

Kenna: How is Charles supposed to recognize the voice of his true love if she’s so quiet?

Well Kenna, not everyone has to walk around with a giant sign that says, “PLEASE HAVE SEX WITH ME!”

Francis and Mary find this game a great metaphor for their relationship.  He teases her about how impatient she’s always been, which probably felt like a slap in the face since her lack of an actual wedding is putting her life in danger.  “Excuse me for not wanting to die Francis!”  “My parents promised to protect you!”  “I’ll believe it when I see it!  Also, your mom is probably evil, no big deal.”  Francis walks off in a huff.  Also, Madeleine gets tired of waiting for Charles and ends the game, and he also walks off in a huff.  It runs in the family.

It’s okay though, because Bash is ready to rescue Mary again.  Francis, if you really want to keep this girl, you should stop letting your brother do all the wooing.  “The guards have a head start, but they’re afraid of the woods.”  “Why, what’s in the woods?”  “GHOSTS!  I mean… you know… the usual.”

Charlie went off to talk to a hole in the wall, and Mary catches him.  He has a mysterious friend that is omniscient and doesn’t let people see her.  He bribes her, because he’s a very smart 7 year old.  Burlap Sack has a name!  It’s Clarissa.  But we’re still going to call her Burlap Sack.  It just has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?  Mary goes to look for her and only finds a marble.

She does, however, find a stranger hanging out in her room, wearing her clothes.  That’s not weird or anything.  The stranger’s skin starts hurting her, and she falls on the floor screaming about poison.  Mary runs for the guards, but when they return the woman is gone.  Mary suspects her poisoner took the woman through one of the hidden passageways, and Francis promises to have the guards search them.  Oh right, guards.  Where were they again when all these people were going in and out of your room?  Not doing their job?  BEST GUARDS EVER.

King Henry finds Kenna temporarily alone, and pretends to care about her reputation.  Kenna had been giving him the jealous eye outside; apparently when Diane is away he flirts with all the ladies.  Sounds like a total catch and she must feel so special.  Is that what she takes away from this?  No.  Apparently this means she has an opportunity to win his heart.  She’s claiming her virtue is important (which would be more convincing if she wasn’t running around in lingerie at breakfast), and the king says boo to that.  It’s sex or nothing, because he’s the king and can do that.  Honestly, I really don’t care about any of this storyline.

Francis believes the poisoning was done by Lord Westbrook, and even wants to go so far as torturing him to get to the truth.  Francis blames his father’s lack of action for Mary’s lack of safety, but King Henry says she’d be unsafe without them too. Henry wields words like an expert politician, knowing how to tell the truth while getting away with an unspoken lie.  Mary might be just as unsafe in Scotland, but she’d be a lot safer if she were married to your son, or most anyone really, and you won’t let her go.  Francis tries to remind his father that Mary is essentially his ward, which comes with certain responsibilities.   The king digs deep into the majesty of his station and sings, “Mary and Francis sitting in a tree.”  Francis is flustered, and the round goes to Henry.

Bash is tracking blood through the haunted forest.  He comes across these bloody flower petals, which look suspiciously like Nostradamus’ “death to Francis” flowers.  Bash looks up to find a body hanging upside down, impossibly high.  A drop of blood falls on his face, and he smudges it with his bloody thumb instead of wiping it off.  Now he has this bloody cross on his face.  Isn’t he handsome?  *swoon*

Francis lets Mary know that Lord Westbrook has an alibi (what, did you think he did it personally?  in that hand embroidered jacket!?).  He asks about Bash, and she admits that he’s out following the blood trail.  Francis is worried that he hasn’t come back yet and runs off.  Mary’s ladies have helpfully questioned their servants and guards, and no one saw the poisoned girl leave, “and they would have.”  Because the security in this castle is AWE-SOME.

Things I love about this image:

• The embroidery on Mary’s bodice (apparently I have a thing for little embroidered flowers)
• The leadlight windows
• Even more random braiding for Horse Hair, who seems to be running around the castle in a fancy modern nightgown

Mary heads to the secret corridor in the hopes of finding Burlap Sack.  She tries to bribe her into helping by leaving some marbles, because 7 year old genius is still genius.  As she starts to leave one rolls back.  For some reason Burlap Sack can’t speak today, so Mary asks yes or no questions, which Burlap Sack answers by rolling or not rolling marbles.  Mary asks too many questions at once, “Is it the English? Is it Catherine?” and gets two marbles back.  This seems to confuse her, but I interpreted that as yes to both.  You can have more than one person trying to hurt you goober.  We hear a crunch, and Mary runs down the corridor wanting an answer to her question.  She finds a broken marble and a key.  Curiouser and curiouser.

Francis finds Bash in the forest, who has Colin on the ground with the rope around his ankle still attached.  That bloody cross is still on his face.  Francis is suspicious when Bash said their guards killed him, because of the way he was hanged and a slit neck.  Bash tells him not to be naive.  Suddenly, they’re surrounded by shadowy figures.  NOT THE FOREST GHOSTS!  Bash appeases them by cutting his hand and spilling blood on the blood petals and speaking not-English.  Francis is freaked the fuck out, as he should be.  The ghosts leave, and the boys ride off with Colin slung over the horse and unsecured, because he’s apparently great at riding even in death.

Mary takes the key and tries Catherine’s door first, but no luck.  It does, however, fit in the door of Lord Westbrook.  Inside, the poisoned girl is looking not so poisoned, and is hastily covered on his bed.  Westbrook is in the process of dressing, because the CW knows what you like.  They have a tête-à-tête, and Westbrook shows us that he really does love to be honest, though maybe learning the definition of friendship wouldn’t be amiss.  We get some actual historical truths for once:

• Queen Mary Tudor of England is ill and in danger of dying
• Her half sister Elizabeth is next in line to the throne, but Protestant and also technically illegitimate
• Which makes Mary Stuart, King Henry VIII’s great-niece who is third in line for the throne and also Catholic, a threat to Elizabeth’s succession
• Mary Stuart has no interest in the English throne and just wants peace for Scotland

Westbrook says that England will always see Scotland as a threat, especially if Mary has France to back her.  He pointedly asks her why her guards let them into her room so they could stage the dress poisoning, and Mary realizes finally that the two marbles was a double yes.  Catherine was in on this plan the whole time and is the reason all the guards are so lousy at their jobs.  Westbrook’s MO seems to be, “sure, tell her the truth, the better to terrorize her since she can’t do anything about it.”  What a spider.

Kenna is playing chess with a pretty good looking dude, and employing important seduction tricks from the Handbook of How to Get Guys like touching her mouth, and letting him win at chess.  King Henry is hovering nearby, and she goes to talk to him.  The chess game was metaphor for this relationship, because this episode is titled “Watch us play games that are metaphors for the relationship we are currently showcasing!”  The king expects her to give it up, but Kenna has decided to play the Anne Boleyn card (she’s aware that woman was beheaded after a measly 3 years on the throne, right?).  She says she wants a husband who knows she’s a virgin so his heirs aren’t in question.  You can just see her dangling this in front of him like a carrot.  The king responds, “Cool.  Good luck with that.”  Stalemate for now.  I’m on the edge of my seat.

Francis and Bash are back in the castle.  Francis wants some details about that shifty business in the forest, because whether his words were pagan (not even a language, though if you like etymology, I found this interesting) or druid (also not a language, we’ll get to this gem in a minute), it was definitely heresy.  “Tell me or I’m telling on you!”  Seriously Francis, you remind me of a yap dog and an annoying little brother all rolled into one.  Bash, rolling his eyes, gives him the translation, passing it off as nonsense used simply to appease the “vagrants in the woods.”  Ghost vagrants you mean.  Francis wants to know if Colin’s death was part of the blood oath, meaning he kind of just accused his brother of murder.  Bash tells him Colin was used as a sacrifice.  All this talk of sacrifices, but no mention of to whom or their purpose.   “I TOLD you the woods weren’t safe didn’t I?”

Francis: You went into them for Mary.

Bash: She’s your fiancée, I felt duty-bound to protect her.

Francis: Bash, we’re brothers. We could always trust each other, regardless of our station.  Let that be the last lie you tell me.

Bros before hos, Bash.  Everyone knows this.  Barney Stinson wrote a whole book about it.

Francis tells Mary that Colin is dead.

Mary: [The English] fear your country’s power.

Francis: And they’ll fear it when I’m king!

Settle down Francis, geez.  Someone is feeling impotent today.  She’s willing to settle for just about anything close to an engagement at this point.  Maybe he should get her one of those pre-engagement rings, the ones that say, “Let’s pretend I don’t have commitment issues and know what I want!”  Also known as, “Please don’t leave me while I look for someone better!”  Mary tries to explain that it’s not just the English, but his mother supporting them, that has her ready to leave.  “Don’t you talk about my mother!”

The king makes a play for Kenna’s queen.  I can’t even concentrate on this storyline enough anymore to make fun of it.  Basically, Henry demonstrated that he could make anyone marry her, because he is caring and full of love and knows what girls want.  So stop worrying about your pretend virtue Kenna.  Also, Beth had me make her this, and it deserves to be seen.  Kenna answered her door in modern lingerie and did not even put on a dressing gown. [They really went whole hog with the appliqué, amirite? – B]

Francis confronts his mother, accusing her of killing Colin and the nameless thief.  She tries to play it off as honest mistakes.  Francis is still struggling with why she would hate Mary, since it’s so obvious they’re not getting married.  Then Catherine gets a little too eager when she asks if Mary is leaving, and Francis realizes she’s guilty.

Shit!  I’ve said too much!  Francis lets her know that if anything happens to Mary, Catherine will be getting the blame.  His goodwill actually matters since she’ll have no real status once he’s king.  She goes to her room and dismisses her ladies so she can pout alone after confirming the details of Colin’s death.  The guard calls the area Colin was found as “The Blood Wood”.  Not creepy at all.  As she pulls back her covers, she is mortified to find her sheets painted with same red X used in the dungeon.

Meanwhile, the actual dungeon X is being washed off by Nostradamus.  Surely that’s not part of his job description.  Luckily for him, it looks like simple chalk paint, so it’s coming off easy.  He’s talking to Burlap Sack while he scrubs, asking her if she thinks she’s an avenging angel protecting Mary.  Burlap Sack is nowhere to be seen for most of this, but right as he begins to stand, you catch an image of her sitting at the end of the hall.  She is blocked from view as he fully stands, and when he walks away she is gone.  “You’re no angel.  If people knew what you really were…”

So… ghost.  She’s definitely a ghost.

Francis approaches Mary outside.  Let me paraphrase that conversation for you.  “My bad, my mom totally tried to kill you.  I’m going to put my money on my mother’s love for me being enough to protect you.  That’s totally enough to stay even though you want to leave because you’re likely to die if you don’t.  So let me be your ally of one.  Also, I’m still not going to marry you.”  To which Mary responds, “Sold!”  At least she has the decency to look skeptical at his offer of friendship.  I mean, what were they before?

This is the point of the show where Francis has learned that even though he might be king one day, it’s probably okay to treat Mary like a human being.  Congratulations?  Of course, the fangirls took all of this as a reason to give them a dumb conjoined name.  Frary.  I’m embarrassed even typing that.  Thank goodness that was the end of the episode.

TL;DR – Catherine and Lord Westbrook terrorize Mary by making her think a servant was poisoned by a dress made for her.  Lord Westbrook gloats about all the horrible things he’s done to her.  Colin was saved by Burlap Sack, but then murdered in the woods and hung to look like the heretics got to him first.  Bash might also be one of those heretics.  Francis realizes his mother was involved with Colin dying, and decides to be friends with Mary.  Oh, and Kenna and the king played mind-sex chess.

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I wanted to take a moment to give note on Druidism, since it looks like the show is either going to make Bash a druid or somehow involved with them.  From what I’ve read, and I’m certainly no expert, actual real-life Druidism was a thing that disappeared from Ireland (then Gaul) after Julius Caesar rode in and claimed the land for Rome in the 2nd century.  They may or may not have performed human sacrifices, depending on whether or not the sources that said they did were Roman propaganda to excuse killing them.  Druids show up in the literature of Ireland later, but are much different from the sacrificing ones.

The druids in Irish literature — for whom words such as drui, draoi, drua and drai are used — are sorcerers with supernatural powers, who are respected in society, particularly for their ability to perform divination. They can cast spells and turn people into animals or stones, or curse peoples’ crops to be blighted.  via Wikipedia

By that definition, Nostradamus could be druid.  There’s nothing mentioned there about them having a special language, but since they seem fairly unique to Ireland, Gaelic or it’s ancestor is a safe bet.  I have no idea how this is going to be tied into 16th century France, but I think we know by now that this show is really only loosely based on real life anyhow, so let’s just settle in with our popcorn and watch the insanity unfold.

Portrait of Mary Stuart in 1559 via Wikipedia

We’re not talking about simply spicing up the story of real-life person Mary Queen of Scots for entertaining tv either.  Honestly, if I didn’t know this was about her from the helpful overtext at the beginning, complete with exact year, I’d have no idea it was her.  It’s not like Mary is an uncommon name in history.  Hell, four of her ladies in waiting were named Mary.

But no, we start this show in 1557 as Mary Stuart, Queen of Scotland since she was a whopping 6 days old, leaves the convent she’s been living in to return to the French Court.  Historical Mary was going on 15 that year.  This show is on the CW though, so teenage Mary is played by 23 year old Adelaide Kane; the better for sexy interludes I presume.  Sort of CW’s thing, right?

Actually, the first scene is a guy we later learn is Nostradamus having a dream where a tree bleeds on him and somehow that means Mary is on her way.  One of my big pet peeves on television is horribly fake looking greenery, and this tree is no exception.

THE tree

I don’t know what kind of tree we’re supposed to think it is, but it looks like one that’s had random flowers and greenery attached with wire.  Also, we get a close up of one of the flowers:

Tree Blossoms of Doom

Isn’t that an orchid?  Whatever.  It’s not important really; like I said, just a pet peeve.

[Side note: Beth tells me that it’s probably meant to be a Dogwood, which would be symbolic since it was the wood used to make Jesus’ cross.]

Reign Screencap – French Convent

I’ve been trying to figure out what castle this actually is where Mary was supposedly hidden most of her life, but so far no luck.  It cracks me up that they chose a place with no roof, as if the nuns all just live there, exposed to the elements, no big deal.  Talk about taking asceticism to a whole other level.  On the plus side, it looks very similar to the actual convent where Mary hid for 3 weeks when she was 4, Inchmahome Priory, which is also currently roofless.  Though I assume it wasn’t at the time.  I hope.

Anyway, she doesn’t spend any show time here either, because her food taster is immediately poisoned by “someone with ties to the Protestant throne of England no doubt.”  Which is curious considering that in 1557 England was ruled by Bloody Mary, who was decidedly catholic and doing everything in her power to make sure everyone knew it.  Though our Mary did have a strong tie to the English throne (she was Henry VIII’s great-niece and next in line after Elizabeth), so either way I suppose assassination attempts were entirely possible.  If you’re keeping score at home, that’s a whopping 0% in accuracy so far.  Yay television!

On to the French Court!  Here we meet Francis and Sebastian, who imply that Francis, Mary’s betrothed and future King of France, is a bit of a rogue.  Surprise!  Francis also calls Sebastian a, “lucky bastard,” which is I suppose is meant as a clever pun, since he’s an actual bastard.  The royal family is preparing for the marriage of their thirteen-year-old daughter Elisabeth to Philip II of Spain (which really happened, just 2 years later).  Catherine de Medici, Queen Consort and Francis’ mother, is arguing against bringing Mary to court because, as King Henry says, she found her irritating.  Francis is being passive aggressive about having an arranged marriage, which gets us this gem:

Francis: She had skinny legs, a missing front tooth, and strong opinions.

King Henry: I’m sure the adult tooth has come in.  The opinions you can ignore, right Catherine?  *pointed look*

OOOH BURN!  Women are property and can be ignored, even if they’ve been a Queen since before you were born.  Awesome.

Next we’re taken to what looks a bit like a dungeon, where Nostradamus gives Catherine some kind of stinky poultice.

Catherine: *sniff*  That’s disgusting.

Nostradamus: Where she puts it, he won’t smell it, unless he’s a very good husband.

Catherine: Imagine that…

Nostradamus: You do want Elisabeth to bear sons?

Catherine: As soon as possible, or what is a wife’s value.

Fun fact: Nostradamus was not only a real person, which you probably know, but Catherine de Medici really thought he was a seer.

Catherine de Médicis, wife of King Henry II of France, was one of Nostradamus’ greatest admirers. After reading his almanacs for 1555, which hinted at unnamed threats to the royal family, she summoned him to Paris to explain them and to draw up horoscopes for her children.  via Wikipedia

She also was unsuccessful at having children for the first 10 years of her marriage, and “tried every known trick for getting pregnant, such as placing cow dung and ground stags’ antlers on her “source of life”, and drinking mule’s urine.”  So this poultice thing is actually one of the more accurate bits of the show so far.  And you thought it was the part they made up, didn’t you!  Oh man, this show.  It’s killing me already.

What Catherine really wants to know is whether Mary is going to rain on her parade.  Nostradamus says his visions are as yet unclear.  I guess bleeding trees could be a good thing?

Mary arrives at court and greets her ladies-in-waiting.  In real life they were all actually named Mary as well, and were all noble.

The four not-Marys

In the show, we have from left to right, Kenna, whom I assume is the “bohemian” one based on her wackadoo outfit, Lola, Aylee, the one with the always horrible hair, Queen Mary, and Greer, who is “filthy rich” but lacking a title.  They’re all excited to find husbands, except for Lola who is waiting for some dude named Colin, left behind in Scotland possibly never to be seen again.

I mean, can we just take a minute and really look at that mess?  Even forgiving the flyaways on account of wind, what the heck is up with that awful braiding?  I won’t judge you if you laugh at how perfectly the horse’s ears line up over her head in the second image.  Maybe she can ask it for some tips.  Greer says, “Oh Mary, your hair!  Didn’t the nuns teach you anything?”  Lady, you just rode in a carriage, presumably following a long boat ride, with someone that obviously needs to be taught how to do her hair.  Where was all your feminine knowledge then?

Now we get a formal introduction to the royal family.  King Henry shows up with Diane de Poitiers, his mistress (an semi-official title she kept from when Henry was roughly 19 and she 38, until he died) and their son Sebastian (who apparently the show has invented).  Then Catherine comes in and very pointedly stands in front of Diane, throwing her a very bitchy “take that!” look.  Don’t be so obvious Catherine!  Also, some lady in a burlap sack and dirty hands is hanging out in one of the windows.

Burlap Sack Ghost

Francis strolls up with his doublet all undone, walking in the grass, as if this wasn’t some kind of important ceremony.  Mary proceeds to have a serious case of word vomit, and I can’t help but laugh and feel akin, since I have the same affliction.  They both seem awkward now that they’re face to face, and happy to see each other.  I suppose they’re both pretty enough that it would be hard to be sad at first glance.  Then Nostradamus drops the bomb that their union will cause Francis to die.  DRAMA!

We get a quick lesson in how to be a lady (protect your Queen’s virtue!), some shots of the girls putting on makeup with sticks and fingers (which isn’t too far from the truth, although the look they achieve is lacking in white face and poison), and then they all dress up in new gowns from Paris and head out to explore.  Also, we’re treated to more horse hair:

Mary stays behind because she needs to go upstairs to her former rooms and reconnect with her wee baby self and remember what it was like chasing after Francis and his too-long legs.  There are old toys laying around, and there’s an air of abandonment, but what’s this?  Not actually abandoned!  Francis is up here cleaning his sword (surely that’s a euphemism).  Poor Francis is jealous of his half brother, who “they don’t worry about him dying so much that they don’t let him live.”  So Bash gets to run around and do whatever he likes, and Francis sneaks off to the attic to teach himself to make knives.  Mary offers to save him should he ever fail as king, and you can just see him feeling emasculated.  He’s attempts graciousness out loud, saying he hopes it’s never needed.  Smooth Mary, way to woo a guy with self esteem issues.  Francis quietly goes back to his room to snog Natalia, in case this scene was starting to make you feel sorry for him.

Mary is sitting next to a pond collecting rocks when her dog starts barking and growling at the nearby woods.  Which are dark, and I guess spooky?  Was the little girl at the convent right?  IS THAT A HAUNTED FOREST?  I’m not sure I can handle actual ghosts in this show, you guys.

She heads back up to Francis’ room to give him the rocks, something about putting them into his swords, but Francis gets all squirrely.  Busted!  He pulls a page from his father’s book and lets Mary know that he can do whatever he wants because he has a penis.  So she runs back outside to throw the rocks in the pond, and her dog runs off after the ghost in the forest.  But Mary is stopped from being eaten by the forest ghost by Bash, who teases and flirts with her about enjoying walking in the mud at the convent.  He offers to find her dog, but doesn’t look particularly pleased to encounter that ghost.

Oh what’s this?  Lola does see Colin again!  He’s snuck into the castle and into her room as she sits naked in the bath.  What is up with the security in this castle?  Aside from a random guy being allowed to wander the halls and into the single ladies wing, even ladies in waiting had attendants.  Women just weren’t ever alone.  Why was the Queen of Scotland wandering the grounds by herself?  Catherine, if you’re so worried about your son dying, I recommend you start with firing all of your guards and getting new ones that actually do their job.

Anyway, Colin.  He just couldn’t bear to be away from Lola and followed her to France.  They seek permission to court from Catherine, who asks lots of probing questions with a mocking air.  While the questions are actually rather normal, the way she looks at him like he’s a delectable meal is a bit weird.  Be scared Colin!

Horse Hair tries to warn Mary that Bash is a womanizer and wasn’t acting out of pure chivalry outside. Mary suggests it’s a family trait but refuses to speak further.  She’s like that annoying friend you have on Facebook that posts vague, generalized comments that are actually pointed attacks about some personal fight they’re having with someone.  Don’t be a passive aggressive twat Mary!

Burlap Sack sneaks into Mary’s room

As Mary prepares for Elisabeth’s wedding, she notices her pond rocks on the table, remembering that she dropped them in the first pond scene.  Forgetting that she must have gathered them again to give to Francis and then threw them in the pond in anger.  It’s the Burlap Sack Ghost from the window, she’s in her room!  If it were me, I would have been calling for my guards, but I guess strange women hiding out in her room is just normal for her.  Burlap Sack Ghost warns her not to drink the wine at the party and then slips away through a hidden entrance in Mary’s room.  These aren’t uncommon in castles; they let servants run around without being seen (and also let trysts happen without being seen).  I’d still be pretty freaked to find out there’s a door to my room I didn’t know about, and Burlap Sack was hanging out in my room unawares.

We enter the wedding celebrations with a explosion of modern fireworks, which at first made me skeptical.  A little research indicates that these kinds of fireworks (perhaps not quite this grand, but still in the air) were used by the French court by the 16th century, so this might be fairly accurate.  It’s a really bizarre twist to the show that the things you feel are made up are actually true, and the things that seem real are actually twisted or completely fabricated.

Inside, Colin brings Mary a glass of wine and kisses her hand, while Lola looks on with dagger eyes.

Dagger Eyes!

Also, let’s take a moment to discuss the hair again, because it’s nagging at me.  No woman wore her hair down for this entire century, nor were they ever bare-headed.  This is about all the range an authentic costume should have for this show:

1550’s Hairstyles

Exciting, no?  I can understand why they wouldn’t be using historical references for a show like this, though I’m still baffled by Horse Hair.

Mary realizes she’s hurt Lola and decides to distract her with some barefoot dancing.  I’m painfully reminded of middle school dances when the girls wanted to dance, but the boys thought it was lame, and so the girls just made a circle and swayed together.  Diane de Poitiers catches King Henry leering, and Catherine says, “We’re overrun by Scots.”  This is especially humorous considering every single person on this show has some form of English accent, and so far none of them are English.  Bash stares at Mary, and Francis catches them.  But feathers falling from the ceiling save him as Mary is reminded of a time when they were children and jumping on the bed.  So they make googly eyes instead and start to move toward each other, only to be interrupted by her ladies pointing out that it’s consummation time.  Are they actually doing their job and protecting her virtue??  Hilarious tactic.  Let’s go watch his sister have sex! Whoo!

Voyeurism

Horse Hair has a moment of pearl clutching and encourages everyone to leave, and they scatter through the castle.  Lola goes looking for Colin.  Kenna finds a dark corner to pleasure herself (seriously?!) and is accosted by King Henry (you were totally friends with Henry VIII, weren’t you?).  Mary goes looking for Francis.

Francis certainly has a way of putting his foot in his mouth.  (Francis:  There were other ways of handling this.  Mary: Handled what? Me?) Is he really supposed to be this suave guy that’s banging all the girls?  Maybe it’s just the dumb ones, or the ones that don’t care what he says because he’s a prince.  He lets her know that the wedding may not happen if France needs better allies, and Mary is rightfully offended.

That night, Mary is woken from sleep when Colin tries to rape her.  WHAT.  I don’t even know where her ladies are sleeping (seriously, they should be in her bed).  She calls for her guards, who come running, though where they were in the first place is beyond me.

Lola tells Mary that she has spoken to Colin, who told her that he was forced by someone powerful.  Mary realizes that Burlap Sack saved her by telling her not to drink the wine.  She goes to Catherine and Henry to find Colin and speak with him, attempting to get to the bottom of this plot, only to be told that he’s been beheaded for committing treason with England.  Lola goes off on Mary.

“We’re here in service to you, whatever that means. Whatever that costs us.”

What it means, girl, is that you’re supposed to be sleeping in her bed so Colin can’t sneak in in the first place.  Put that in your pipe and smoke it.  Also, yelling at your queen like that was pretty close to treason itself.

Mary leaves in tears and runs into Bash, who has found her dog.  He suggests that he’s on her side, but gets more formal when he notices his mother watching him.

Diane: Where did you find the dog?

Bash: In the woods.  It was drawn to the blood.

Diane: How close did you get?

….Okay.  These woods are super weird.

Francis confronts her the next day, getting high and mighty that someone was found in her bed.  Hello pot!  He chastises her about potentially ruining her reputation just to get back at him, because obviously the only thing that matters in his world is himself.  Are we really supposed to be rooting for this guy?  He drops his tough prince act for a moment, and Mary asks him if he’d want to marry her without the politics.  They almost kiss, but he finds his inner broomstick just in time, announces, “I won’t do this!” and marches off.

Catherine was watching from Francis’ secret knife room.  She complains to Nostradamus about his potion failing to make Mary sleep, and he says the problem was in the delivery.  So Colin died to protect Catherine’s meddling.  She asks if his visions have changed, but the bleeding tree is back and means death for Francis.  “You cannot relent.  You must continue to sacrifice.”  Sacrifice what, exactly??

We end with Mary standing alone outside at night.  Someone creeps up behind her, and somehow Mary knows that it’s Burlap Sack.  Without turning around, because this is of course how you hold conversations with sack people, Mary thanks her for saving her life.  There’s an ominous lightning strike, but when Mary turns around, Burlap Sack is gone.

Conversations with Sack People

So that’s what we have to look forward to, readers.  Horse Hair, fake trees, an entire family of horny men, ladies in waiting who don’t know what that means, a haunted wood, a Burlap Sack Ghost, and an entire cast who continually seems to forget Mary is a crowned sovereign.  Should be fantastic!